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1 She Would If She Could

George Etherege — EMOTHE0644_SheWouldIfSheCould

List of Characters (in Alphabetical Order)

ARIANA A young kinswoman of Sir Joslin

COURTALL Ned Courtall, an honest gentleman of the town

FREEMAN Frank Freeman, an honest gentleman of the town

GATTY A young kinswoman of Sir Joslin

LADY COCKWOOD

MRS GAZETTE A woman of the Exchange

MRS SENTRY Lady Cockwood’s gentlewoman

MRS TRINKET A woman of the Exchange

MUSIC

RAKE-HELL A knight of the industry

RAMPANT Madam Rampant

SIR JOSLIN Sir Joslin Jolly, a country knight

SIR OLIVER Sir Oliver Cockwood, a country knight

SERVANT to Courtall

THOMAS Sir Oliver’s servant

WAITER Francis, the waiter at the Bear

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

ARIANNA AND GATTY

LADY COCKWOOD AND COURTALL

SIR JOSLIN AND COURTALL

LADY COCKWOOD AND MRS SENTRY

SIR JOSLIN SIR OLIVER RAKE-HELL AND MUSIC

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

(A dining room)

(Enter Courtall and Freeman, and a servant brushing Courtall.)

COURTALL

So, so, 'tis well. Let the coach be made ready.

SERVANT

It shall, sir.

(Exit Servant.)

COURTALL

Well, Frank, what is to be done today?

FREEMAN

Faith, I think we must e'en follow the old trade: eat well and prepare ourselves with a bottle or two of good Burgundy, that our old acquaintance may look lovely in our eyes; for, for ought as I see, there is no hopes of new.

COURTALL

Well! This is grown a wicked town; it was otherwise in my memory. A gentleman should not have gone out of his chamber but some civil officer or other of the game would have been with him and have given him notice where he might have had a course or two in the afternoon.

FREEMAN

Truly, a good motherly woman of my acquaintance t'other day, talking of the sins of the times, told me with tears in her eyes that there are a company of higgling rascals who — partly for themselves but more especially for some secret friends — daily forestall the markets. Nay, and that many gentlemen who formerly had been persons of great worth and honor are of late, for some private reasons, become their own purveyors, to the utter decay and disencouragement of trade and industry.

COURTALL

I know there are some weary merchants who never trust their business to a factor. But, for my part, I hate the fatigue, and had rather be bound to back my own colts and man my own hawks than endure the impertinencies of bringing a young wench to the lure.

(Enter Servant.)

SERVANT

Sir, there is a gentlewoman below desires to speak with you.

COURTALL

Ha! Freeman, this may be some lucky adventure!

SERVANT

She asked me if you were alone.

COURTALL

And did not you say aye?

SERVANT

I told her I would go see.

COURTALL

Go, go down quickly, and tell her I am! [Exit Servant.] Frank, prithee let me put thee into this closet a while.

FREEMAN

Why, may not I see her?

COURTALL

On my life thou shalt have fair play, and go halves if it be a purchase that may with honor be divided. You may overhear all, but for decency’s sake, in, in man.

FREEMAN

Well, good fortune attend thee.

([Exit Freeman into the closet.] Enter Mrs Sentry.)

COURTALL

Mrs Sentry! This is a happiness beyond my expectation.

MRS SENTRY

Your humble servant, sir.

COURTALL

I hope your lady's come to town?

MRS SENTRY

Sir Oliver, my lady, and the whole family. Well! We have had a sad time in the country; my lady's so glad she's come to enjoy the freedom of this place again, and I dare say longs to have the happiness of your company.

COURTALL

Did she send you hither?

MRS SENTRY

Oh no, if she should but know that I did such a confident trick she would think me a good one, i’faith. The zeal I have to serve you made me venture to call in my way to the Exchange to tell you the good news, and to let you know our lodgings are in James Street at the Black Posts, where we lay the last summer.

COURTALL

Indeed, it is very obligingly done.

MRS SENTRY

But I must needs desire you to tell my lady that you came to the knowledge of this by some lucky chance or other, for I would not be discovered for a world.

COURTALL

Let me alone, I warrant thee.

(Enter Servant.)

SERVANT

Sir Oliver Cockwood, sir, is come to wait on you.

MRS SENTRY

O heaven! My master! My lady and myself are both undone, undone!

COURTALL

'Sdeath, why did you not tell him I was busy?

MRS SENTRY

For heaven’s sake, Mr Courtall, what shall I do?

COURTALL

Leave, leave trembling and creep into the wood-hole here. (She goes into the wood-hole.) (Enter Sir Oliver.) Sir Oliver Cockwood!

((Embraces him.))

SIR OLIVER

Honest Ned Courtall! By my troth I think thou tak'st me for a pretty wench, thou hugst me so very close and heartily.

COURTALL

Only my joy to see you, Sir Oliver, and to welcome you to town.

SIR OLIVER

Methinks, indeed, I have been an age absent, but I intend to redeem the time. And how stand affairs, prithee now? Is the wine good? Are the women kind? Well, faith, a man had better be a vagabond in this town than a justice of peace in the country; I was e'en grown a sot for want of gentleman-like recreations! If a man do but rap out an oath, the people start as if a gun went off. And if one chance but to couple himself with his neighbor’s daughter — without the help of the parson of the parish — and leave a little testimony of his kindness behind him, there is presently such an uproar that a poor man is fain to fly his country. As for drunkenness, 'tis true it may be used without scandal, but the drink is so abominable that a man would forbear it for fear of being made out of love with the vice.

COURTALL

I see, Sir Oliver, you continue still your old humor and are resolved to break your sweet lady's heart.

SIR OLIVER

You do not think me sure so barbarously unkind to let her know all this! No, no, these are secrets fit only to be trusted to such honest fellows as thou art.

COURTALL

Well may I, poor sinner, be excused since a woman of such rare beauty, such incomparable parts, and of such an unblemished reputation is not able to reclaim you from these wild courses, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

To say the truth, she is a wife that no man need be ashamed of, Ned.

COURTALL

I vow, Sir Oliver, I must needs blame you, considering how tenderly she loves you.

SIR OLIVER

Aye, aye, the more is her misfortune. And mine too, Ned: I would willingly give thee a pair of the best coach horses in my stable so thou couldst but persuade her to love me less.

COURTALL

Her virtue and my friendship sufficiently secure you against that, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

I know thou wert never married, but has it never been thy misfortune to have a mistress love thee thus entirely?

COURTALL

It never has been my good fortune, Sir Oliver. But why do you ask this question?

SIR OLIVER

Because then, perchance, thou mightst have been a little sensible what a damned trouble it is.

COURTALL

As how, Sir Oliver?

SIR OLIVER

Why look thee, thus. For a man cannot be altogether ungrateful: sometimes one is obliged to kiss, and fawn, and toy, and lie fooling an hour or two, when a man had rather, if it were not for the disgrace sake, stand all that while in the pillory pelted with rotten eggs and oranges.

COURTALL

This is a very hard case indeed, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

And then the inconvenience of keeping regular hours. But above all, that damned fiend Jealousy does so possess these passionate lovers that I protest, Ned, under the rose be it spoken, if I chance to be a little prodigal in my expense on a private friend or so, I am called to so strict an account at night that for quietness’ sake I am often forced to take a dose of cantharides to make up the sum.

COURTALL

Indeed, Sir Oliver, everything considered you are not so much to be envied as one may rashly imagine.

SIR OLIVER

Well, a pox of this tying man and woman together, for better, for worse! Upon my conscience it was but a trick that the clergy might have a feeling in the cause.

COURTALL

I do not conceive it to be much for their profit, Sir Oliver, for I dare lay a good wager: let 'em but allow Christian liberty, and they shall get ten times more by christenings than they are likely to lose by marriages.

SIR OLIVER

Faith, thou hast hit it right, Ned. And now thou talkst of Christian liberty, prithee let us dine together today and be swingingly merry, but with all secrecy.

COURTALL

I shall be glad of your good company, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

I am to call on a very honest fellow, whom I left here hard by making a visit, Sir Joslin Jolly, a kinsman of my wife’s and my neighbor in the country. We call brothers, he came up to town with me and lodgeth in the same house. He has brought up a couple of the prettiest kinswomen, heiresses of a very good fortune: would thou hadst the instructing of 'em a little. Faith, if I am not very much mistaken they are very prone to the study of the mathematics.

COURTALL

I shall be beholding to you for so good an acquaintance.

SIR OLIVER

This Sir Joslin is in great favor with my lady, one that she has an admirable good opinion of, and will trust me with him anywhere. But to say truth, he is as arrant a sinner as the best of us, and will boggle at nothing that becomes a man of honor. We will go and get leave of my lady, for it is not fit I should break out so soon without her approbation, Ned.

COURTALL

By no means, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

Where shall we meet about an hour hence?

COURTALL

At the French House or the Bear.

SIR OLIVER

At the French House, by all means.

COURTALL

Agreed, agreed.

SIR OLIVER

Would thou couldst bring a fourth man.

COURTALL

What think you of Frank Freeman?

SIR OLIVER

There cannot be a better — well — servant, Ned, servant, Ned!

(Exit Sir Oliver.)

COURTALL

Your servant, Sir Oliver. Mrs Sentry!

MRS SENTRY

(In the hole) Is he gone?

COURTALL

Aye, aye! You may venture to bolt now.

MRS SENTRY

(Crawling out) O heavens! I would not endure such another fright.

COURTALL

Come, come, prithee be composed.

MRS SENTRY

I shall not be myself again this fortnight; I never was in such a taking all the days of my life. To have been found false, and to one who to say truth has been always very kind and civil to me. But above all, I was concerned for my lady's honor—

COURTALL

Come, come, there's no harm done.

MRS SENTRY

Ah! Mr Courtall, you do not know Sir Oliver so well as I do. He has strange humors sometimes, and has it enough in's nature to play the tyrant but that my lady and myself awe him by our policy.

COURTALL

Well, well, all's well. Did you not hear what a taring blade Sir Oliver is?

MRS SENTRY

Ah! 'tis a vile dissembling man. How fairly he carries it to my lady's face! But I dare not discover him for fear of betraying myself.

COURTALL

Well, Mrs Sentry, I must dine with 'em, and after I have entered them with a beer glass or two, if I can I will slip away, and pay my respects to your lady.

MRS SENTRY

You need not question your welcome, I assure you, sir. your servant, sir.

COURTALL

Your servant, Mrs Sentry. I am very sensible of this favor, I assure you.

MRS SENTRY

I am proud it was in my power to oblige you, sir.

(Exit Mrs Sentry.)

COURTALL

Freeman! Come, come out of thy hole. [Enter Freeman from the closet.] How hast thou been able to contain?

FREEMAN

Faith, much ado, the scene was very pleasant. But above all, I admire thy impudence, I could never have had the face to have wheedled the poor knight so.

COURTALL

Pish, pish, 'twas both necessary and honest. We ought to do all we can to confirm a husband in the good opinion of his wife.

FREEMAN

Pray how long, if without offence a man may ask you, have you been in good grace with this person of honor? I never knew you had that commendable quality of secrecy before!

COURTALL

You are mistaken, Freeman, things go not as you wickedly imagine.

FREEMAN

Why, hast thou lost all sense of modesty? Dost thou think to pass these gross wheedles on me too? Come, come, this good news should make thee a little merrier. Faith, though she be an old acquaintance she has the advantage of four or five months absence. 'Slid, I know not how proud you are, but I have thought myself very spruce ere now in an old suit that has been brushed and laid up a while.

COURTALL

Freeman, I know in cases of this nature thou art an infidel. But yet methinks the knowledge thou hast of my sincere dealing with my friends should make thee a little more confiding.

FREEMAN

What devilish oath could she invent to fright thee from a discovery?

COURTALL

Wilt thou believe me if I swear, the preservation of her honor has been my fault, and not hers?

FREEMAN

This is something.

COURTALL

Why then, know that I have still been as careful to prevent all opportunities, as she has been to contrive 'em. And still have carried it so like a gentleman, that she has not had the least suspicion: she is the very spirit of impertinence, so foolishly fond and troublesome that no man above sixteen is able to endure her.

FREEMAN

Why did you engage thus far then?

COURTALL

Some conveniences which I had by my acquaintance with the sot her husband made me extraordinary civil to her, which presently by her ladyship was interpreted after the manner of the most obliging women. This wench came hither by her commission today.

FREEMAN

With what confidence she denied it!

COURTALL

Nay, that's never wanting, I assure you. Now is it expected I should lay by all other occasions and watch every opportunity to wait upon her. She would by her good will give her lover no more rest than a young squire that has newly set up a coach does his only pair of horses.

FREEMAN

Faith, if it be as thou say'st I cannot much blame the hardness of thy heart. But did not the oaf talk of two young ladies?

COURTALL

Well remembered, Frank. And now I think on't, 'twill be very necessary to carry on my business with the old one, that we may the better have an opportunity of being acquainted with them. Come, let us go and bespeak dinner, and by the way consider of these weighty affairs.

FREEMAN

Well, since there is but little ready money stirring, rather than want entertainment I shall be contented to play a while upon tick.

COURTALL

And I, provided they promise fair, and we find there's hopes of payment hereafter.

FREEMAN

Come along, come along.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE 2

(Sir Oliver Cockwood's lodgings)

(Enter Lady Cockwood.)

LADY COCKWOOD

'Tis too late to repent. I sent her, but yet I cannot but be troubled to think she stay's so long. Sure if she has so little gratitude to let him, he has more honor then to attempt anything to the prejudice of my affection— Oh, Sentry, are you come?

(Enter Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Oh madam! There has been such an accident!

LADY COCKWOOD

Prithee do not fright me, wench—

MRS SENTRY

As I was discoursing with Mr Courtall, in came Sir Oliver.

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh! I'm ruined! Undone forever!

MRS SENTRY

You'll still be sending me on these desperate errands.

LADY COCKWOOD

I am betrayed, betrayed by this false— what shall I call thee?

MRS SENTRY

Nay, but madam, have a little patience—

LADY COCKWOOD

I have lost all patience, and will never more have any—

MRS SENTRY

Do but hear me, all is well—

LADY COCKWOOD

Nothing can be well, unfortunate woman.

MRS SENTRY

Mr Courtall thrust me into the wood-hole.

LADY COCKWOOD

And did not Sir Oliver see thee?

MRS SENTRY

He had not the least glimpse of me.

LADY COCKWOOD

Dear Sentry! And what good news?

MRS SENTRY

He intends to wait upon you in the afternoon, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

I hope you did not let him know I sent you.

MRS SENTRY

No, no, madam, I’ll warrant you I did everything much to the advantage of your honor.

LADY COCKWOOD

Ah Sentry! If we could but think of some lucky plot now to get Sir Oliver out of the way.

MRS SENTRY

You need not trouble yourself about that, madam, he has engaged to dine with Mr Courtall at the French House, and is bringing Sir Joslin Jolly to get your good will. When Mr Courtall has fixed 'em with a beer glass or two, he intends to steal away and pay his devotion to your ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

Truly he is a person of much worth and honor!

MRS SENTRY

Had you but been there, madam, to have overheard Sir Oliver's discourse, he would have made you bless yourself. There is not such another wild man in the town. All his talk was of wenching, and swearing, and drinking, and tearing.

LADY COCKWOOD

Aye, aye, Sentry, I know he'll talk of strange matters behind my back. But if he be not an abominable hypocrite at home, and I am not a woman easily to be deceived, he is not able to play the spark abroad thus, I assure you. (Enter Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin, Sir Joslin singing.) My dearest dear, this is kindly done of thee to come home again thus quickly.

SIR OLIVER

Nay, my dear, thou shalt never have any just cause to accuse me of unkindness.

LADY COCKWOOD

Sir Joslin, now you are a good man, and I shall trust you with Sir Oliver again.

SIR JOSLIN

Nay, if I ever break my word with a lady I will be delivered bound to Mrs Sentry here, and she shall have leave to carve me for a capon.

MRS SENTRY

Do you think I have a heart cruel enough for such a bloody execution?

SIR JOSLIN

Kindly spoke, i'faith, girl, I'll give thee a buss for that.

(Kisses her.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Fye, fye, Sir Joslin! This is not seemly in my presence.

SIR JOSLIN

We have all our failings, Lady, and this is mine: a right bred greyhound can as well forbear running after a hare when he sees her as I can mumbling a pretty wench when she comes in my way.

LADY COCKWOOD

I have heard indeed you are a parlous man, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

I seldom brag, lady, but for a true cock of the game little Joslin dares match with the best of 'em.

SIR OLIVER

Sir Joslin's merry, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

Aye, aye, if he should be wicked, I know thou art too much a gentleman to offer an injury to thine own dear lady.

SIR JOSLIN

Faith, madam, you must give my brother Cockwood leave to dine abroad today.

LADY COCKWOOD

I protest, Sir Joslin, you begin to make me hate you too. Well, you are e'en grown as bad as the worst of 'em, you are still robbing me of the sweet society of Sir Oliver.

SIR JOSLIN

Come, come, your discipline is too severe, i'faith, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

Sir Oliver may do what he pleases, sir, he knows I have ever been his obedient lady.

SIR OLIVER

Prithee, my dear, be not angry: Sir Joseph was so earnest in his invitation, that none but a clown could have refused him.

SIR JOSLIN

Aye, Aye, we dine at my uncle Sir Joseph Jolly's, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

Will you be sure now to be a good dear and not drink nor stay out late?

SIR JOSLIN

I'll engage for all, and if there be no harm in a merry catch or a waggish story— (Enter Ariana and Mrs Gatty.) Ha, ha! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, are you got up? I know what you have been meditating on. But never trouble your heads, let me alone to bring you consolation.

GATTY

We have often been beholding to you, sir. For every time he's drunk, he brings us home a couple of fresh servants.

SIR OLIVER

Well, farewell my dear. Prithee do not sigh thus, but make thee ready, visit and be merry.

LADY COCKWOOD

I shall receive most satisfaction in my chamber.

SIR JOSLIN

Come, come along, brother. Farewell one and all, lady and Sly-girl, Sly-girl and Mad-cap, your servant, your servant—

(Exit Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin singing.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Sentry, is the new point I bought come home, and is everything in a readiness?

MRS SENTRY

Everything, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Come, come up quickly then, girl, and dress me.

(Exit Lady Cockwood and Sentry.)

ARIANA

Dost not thou wonder, Gatty, she should be so strangely fond of this coxcomb?

GATTY

Well, if she does not dissemble, may I still be discovered when I do. Didst thou not see how her countenance changed as soon as ever their backs were turned, and how earnestly she whispered with her woman? There is some weighty affair in hand, I warrant thee. My dear Ariana, how glad am I we are in this town again!

ARIANA

But we have left the benefit of the fresh air, and the delight of wandering in the pleasant groves.

GATTY

Very pretty things for a young gentlewoman to bemoan the loss of indeed, that's newly come to a relish of the good things of this world.

ARIANA

Very good, sister!

GATTY

Why, hast not thou promised me a thousand times to leave off this demureness?

ARIANA

But you are so quick.

GATTY

Why, would it not make any one mad to hear thee bewail the loss of the country? Speak but one grave word more and it shall be my daily prayers thou mayest have a jealous husband and then you'll have enough of it, I warrant you.

ARIANA

It may be, if your tongue be not altogether so nimble, I may be conformable. But I hope you do not intend we shall play such mad reaks as we did last summer?

GATTY

'Slife, dost thou think we come here to be mewed up, and take only the liberty of going from our chamber to the dining room and from the dining room to our chamber again? And like a bird in a cage with two perches only to hop up and down, up and down?

ARIANA

Well, thou art a mad wench.

GATTY

Wouldst thou never have us go to a play but with our grave relations? Never take the air but with our grave relations? To feed their pride, and make the world believe it is in their power to afford some gallant or other a good bargain?

ARIANA

But I am afraid we shall be known again.

GATTY

Pish! The men were only acquainted with our vizards and our petticoats, and they are wore out long since. How I envy that sex! Well, we cannot plague 'em enough when we have it in our power for those privileges which custom has allowed 'em above us.

ARIANA

The truth is, they can run and ramble here and there and everywhere, and we poor fools rather think the better of 'em.

GATTY

From one playhouse to the other playhouse, and if they like neither the play nor the women they seldom stay any longer than the combing of their periwigs or a whisper or two with a friend. And then they cock their caps and out they strut again.

ARIANA

But whatsoever we do, prithee now let us resolve to be mighty honest.

GATTY

There I agree with thee.

ARIANA

And if we find the gallants like lawless subjects, who the more their princes grant the more they impudently crave—

GATTY

We'll become absolute tyrants, and deprive 'em of all the privileges we gave 'em.

ARIANA

Upon these conditions I am contented to trail a pike under thee. March along, girl.

(Exeunt.)

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

(The Mulberry Garden)

(Enter Courtall and Freeman.)

COURTALL

Was there ever a couple of fops better matched than these two knights are?

FREEMAN

They are harp and violin. Nature has so tuned 'em as if she intended they should always play the fool in consort.

COURTALL

Now is Sir Oliver secure, for he dares not go home 'till he's quite drunk. And then he grows valiant, insults and defies his sweet lady, for which with prayers and tears he's forced to feign a bitter repentance the next morning.

FREEMAN

What do we here idling in the Mulberry Garden? Why do not we make this visit then?

COURTALL

Now art thou as mad upon this trail as if we were upon a hot scent.

FREEMAN

Since we know the bush, why do we not start the game?

COURTALL

Gently, good Frank. First know that the laws of honor prescribed in such nice cases will not allow me to carry thee along with me. And next, hast thou so little wit to think that a discreet lady that has had the experience of so much humane frailty can have so good an opinion of the constancy of her servant as to lead him into temptation?

FREEMAN

Then we must not hope her ladyship should make us acquainted with these gentlewomen.

COURTALL

Thou mayest as reasonably expect that an old rook should bring a young snap acquainted with his bubble. But advantages may be hereafter made by my admission into the family.

FREEMAN

What is to be done then?

COURTALL

Why, look you, thus I have contrived it. Sir Oliver, when I began to grow resty, that he might incline me a little more to drunkenness in my ear discovered to me the humor of his dear friend Sir Joslin. He assured me that when he was in that good natured condition, to requite their courtesy, he always carried the good company home with him and recommended them to his kinswomen.

FREEMAN

Very good!

COURTALL

Now after the fresh air has breathed on us a while, and expelled the vapors of the wine we have drunk, thou shalt return to these two sots whom we left at the French House according to our promise, and tell 'em I am a little stayed by some unlucky business and will be with 'em presently. Thou wilt find 'em tired with long fight, weak and unable to observe their order. Charge 'em briskly and in a moment thou shalt rout 'em, and with little or no damage to thyself gain an absolute victory.

FREEMAN

Very well!

COURTALL

In the meantime I will make my visit to the longing lady, and order my business so handsomely that I will be with thee again immediately to make an experiment of the good humor of Sir Joslin.

FREEMAN

Let's about it.

COURTALL

'Tis yet too early, we must drill away a little time here that my excuses may be more probable and my persecution more tolerable.

(Enter Ariana and Gatty with vizards, and pass nimbly over the stage.)

FREEMAN

Ha, ha! How wantonly they trip it! There is temptation enough in their very gate to stir up the courage of an old alderman. Prithee let us follow 'em.

COURTALL

I have been so often balked with these vizard masks that I have at least a dozen times forsworn 'em: they are a most certain sign of an ill face or, what is worse, an old acquaintance.

FREEMAN

The truth is nothing but some such weighty reason is able to make women deny themselves the pride they have to be seen.

COURTALL

The evening's fresh and pleasant, and yet there is but little company.

FREEMAN

Our course will be the better, these deer cannot herd. Come, come man, let’s follow!

COURTALL

I find it is a mere folly to swear anything; it does but make the devil the more earnest in his temptation.

(They go after the women.)

(Enter women [Ariana and Gatty] again and cross the stage.)

ARIANA

Now if these should prove two men of war that are crusing here to watch for prizes.

GATTY

Would they had courage enough to set upon us. I long to be engaged.

ARIANA

Look, look yonder, I protest they chase us.

GATTY

Let us bear away then. If they be truly valiant they'll quickly make more sail and board us.

(The women [Ariana and Mrs Gatty] go out and go about behind the scenes to the other door.)

(Enter Courtall and Freeman.)

FREEMAN

'Sdeath, how fleet they are! Whatsoever faults they have, they cannot be broken-winded.

COURTALL

Sure, by that little mincing step they should be country fillies that have been breathed at course-a-park and barley-break: we shall never reach 'em!

FREEMAN

I'll follow directly, do thou turn down the crosswalk and meet 'em.

(Enter the Women [Ariana and Gatty], and after 'em Courtall at the lower door, and Freeman at the upper on the contrary side.)

COURTALL

By your leave, ladies—

GATTY

I perceive you can make bold enough without it.

FREEMAN

Your servant, ladies—

ARIANA

Or any other Ladies that will give themselves the trouble to entertain you.

FREEMAN

'Slife, their tongues are as nimble as their heels.

COURTALL

Can you have so little good nature to dash a couple of bashful young men out of countenance, who came out of pure love to tender you their service?

GATTY

'Twere pity to balk 'em, sister.

ARIANA

Indeed methinks they look as if they never had been slipped before.

FREEMAN

Yes faith, we have had many a fair course in this paddock, have been very well fleshed and dare boldly fasten.

(They kiss their hands with a little force.)

ARIANA

Well, I am not the first unfortunate woman that has been forced to give her hand where she never intends to bestow her heart.

GATTY

Now, do you think 'tis a bargain already?

COURTALL

Faith, would there were some lusty earnest given for fear we should unluckily break off again.

FREEMAN

Are you so wild that you must be hooded thus?

COURTALL

Fye, fye, put off these scandals to all good faces.

GATTY

For your reputations’ sake we shall keep 'em on. ‘Slife we should be taken for your relations if we durst shew our faces with you thus publicly.

ARIANA

And what a shame that would be to a couple of young gallants, methinks you should blush to think on't.

COURTALL

These were pretty toys, invented first merely for the good of us poor lovers to deceive the jealous and to blind the malicious. But the proper use is so wickedly perverted that it makes all honest men hate the fashion mortally.

FREEMAN

A good face is as seldom covered with a vizard mask as a good hat with an oiled case. And yet on my conscience, you are both handsome.

COURTALL

Do but remove 'em a little, to satisfy a foolish scruple.

ARIANA

This is a just punishment you have brought upon yourselves by that unpardonable sin of talking.

GATTY

You can only brag now of your acquaintance with a farendon gown and a piece of black velvet.

COURTALL

The truth is there are some vain fellows whose loose behavior of late has given great discouragement to the honorable proceedings of all virtuous ladies.

FREEMAN

But I hope you have more charity than to believe us of the number of the wicked.

ARIANA

There's not a man of you to be trusted.

GATTY

What a shame is it to your whole sex that a woman is more fit to be a privy counsellor than a young gallant a lover?

COURTALL

This is a pretty kind of fooling, ladies, for men that are idle. But you must bid a little fairer if you intend to keep us from our serious business.

GATTY

Truly you seem to be men of great employment, that are every moment rattling from the eating houses to the playhouses, from the playhouses to the Mulberry Garden, that live in a perpetual hurry and have little leisure for such an idle entertainment.

COURTALL

Now would not I see thy face for the world. If it should but be half so good as thy humor thou wouldst dangerously tempt me to doat upon thee and, forgetting all shame, become constant.

FREEMAN

I perceive by your fooling here that wit and good humor may make a man in love with a blackamoor. That the devil should contrive it so that we should have earnest business now.

COURTALL

Would they would but be so kind to meet us here again tomorrow.

GATTY

You are full of business, and 'twould but take you off of your employments.

ARIANA

And we are very unwilling to have the sin to answer for of ruining a couple of such hopeful young men.

FREEMAN

Must we then despair?

ARIANA

The ladies you are going to will not be so hard-hearted.

COURTALL

(to Freeman) On my conscience, they love us and begin to grow jealous already.

FREEMAN

Who knows but this may prove the luckier adventure of the two?

COURTALL

Come, come, we know you have a mind to meet us. We cannot see you blush, speak it out boldly.

GATTY

Will you swear, then, not to visit any other women before that time?

ARIANA

Not that we are jealous, but because we would not have you tired with the impertinent conversation of our sex and come to us dull and out of humor.

COURTALL

Invent an oath, and let it be so horrid 'twould make an atheist start to hear it.

FREEMAN

And I will swear it readily, that I will not so much as speak to a woman 'till I speak to you again.

GATTY

But are you troubled with that foolish scruple of keeping an oath?

FREEMAN

O most religiously!

COURTALL

And may we not enlarge our hopes upon a little better acquaintance?

ARIANA

You see all the freedom we allow.

GATTY

It may be we may be entreated to hear a fiddle, or mingle in a country dance, or so.

COURTALL

Well! We are in too desperate a condition to stand upon articles and are resolved to yield on any terms.

FREEMAN

Be sure you be punctual now!

ARIANA

Will you be sure?

COURTALL

Or else may we become a couple of credulous coxcombs and be jilted ever after. Your servants, ladies.

(Exeunt Men[: Courtall and Freeman].)

ARIANA

I wonder what they think of us!

GATTY

You may easily imagine, for they are not of a humor so little in fashion to believe the best. I assure you the most favorable opinion they can have is that we are still a little wild and stand in need of better manning.

ARIANA

Prithee, dear girl, what dost think of 'em?

GATTY

Faith so well, that I'm ashamed to tell thee.

ARIANA

Would I had never seen 'em!

GATTY

Ha! Is it come to that already?

ARIANA

Prithee, let's walk a turn or two more and talk of 'em.

GATTY

Let us take care then we are not too particular in their commendations, lest we should discover we entrench upon one another’s inclinations and so grow quarrelsome.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE 2

(Sir Oliver's lodgings)

(Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Dear madam, do not afflict yourself thus unreasonably. I dare lay my life, it is not want of devotion but opportunity that stays him.

LADY COCKWOOD

Ingrateful man! To be so insensible of a lady’s passion!

MRS SENTRY

If I thought he were so wicked I should hate him strangely. But, madam—

LADY COCKWOOD

Do not speak one word in his behalf, I am resolved to forget him. Perfidious mortal, to abuse so sweet an opportunity!

MRS SENTRY

Hark, here is somebody coming up stairs.

LADY COCKWOOD

Peace, he may yet redeem his honor.

(Enter Courtall.)

COURTALL

Your humble servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

(Starting) Mr Courtall, for heaven’s sake, how came you hither?

COURTALL

Guided by my good fortune, madam. Your servant, Mrs Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

Your humble servant, sir; I protest you made me start too, to see you come in thus unexpectedly.

LADY COCKWOOD

I did not imagine it could be known I was in town yet.

COURTALL

Sir Oliver did me the favor to make me a visit and dine with me today, which brought me to the knowledge of this happiness, madam. And as soon as I could possibly, I got the freedom to come hither and enjoy it.

LADY COCKWOOD

You have ever been extreme obliging, sir.

MRS SENTRY

'Tis a worthy gentleman, how punctual he is to my directions!

LADY COCKWOOD

Will you be pleased to repose, sir? Sentry, set some chairs.

(Exit Sentry.)

COURTALL

With much difficulty, madam, I broke out of my company and was forced by the importunity of one Sir Joslin Jolly, I think they call him, to engage my honor I would return again immediately.

LADY COCKWOOD

You must not so soon rob me of so sweet a satisfaction.

COURTALL

No consideration, madam, could take me from you but that I know my stay at this time must needs endanger your honor. And how often I have denied myself the greatest satisfaction in the world to keep that unblemished you yourself can witness.

LADY COCKWOOD

Indeed I have often had great trials of your generosity in those many misfortunes that have attended our innocent affections.

COURTALL

Sir Oliver, madam, before I did perceive it, was got near that pitch of drunkenness which makes him come reeling home and unmanfully insult over your ladyship. And how subject he is then to injure you with an unjust suspicion you have often told me, which makes me careful not to be surprised here.

LADY COCKWOOD

Repose yourself a little, but a little, dear sir; these virtuous principles make you worthy to be trusted with a lady’s honor. Indeed Sir Oliver has his failings; yet I protest, Mr Courtall, I love him dearly but cannot be altogether unsensible of your generous passion.

COURTALL

Aye, aye, I am a very passionate lover!

LADY COCKWOOD

Is my woman retired?

COURTALL

Most dutifully, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Then let me tell you, sir: yet we may make very good use of it.

COURTALL

Now am I going to be drawn in again.

LADY COCKWOOD

If Sir Oliver be in that indecent condition you speak of, tomorrow he will be very submissive, as it is meet for so great a misdemeanor. Then can I, feigning a desperate discontent, take my own freedom without the least suspicion.

COURTALL

This is very luckily and obligingly thought on, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Now if you will be pleased to make an assignation, sir.

COURTALL

Tomorrow about ten a clock in the lower walk of the New Exchange, out of which we can quickly pop into my coach.

LADY COCKWOOD

But I am still so pestered with my woman, I dare not go without her. On my conscience she's very sincere, but it is not good to trust our reputations too much to the frailty of a servant.

COURTALL

I will bring my chariot, madam, that will hold but two.

LADY COCKWOOD

O most ingeniously imagined, dear sir! For by that means I shall have a just excuse to give her leave to see a relation, and bid her stay there till I call her.

COURTALL

It grieves me much to leave you so soon, madam, but I shall comfort myself with the thoughts of the happiness you have made me hope for.

LADY COCKWOOD

I wish it were in my power eternally to oblige you, dear sir.

COURTALL

Your humble servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Your humble servant, sweet sir. Exit Courtall. Sentry! Why, Sentry! Where are you?

(Enter Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Here, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

What a strange thing is this! Will you never take warning but still be leaving me alone in these suspicious occasions?

MRS SENTRY

I was but in the next room, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

What may Mr Courtall think of my innocent intentions? I protest, if you serve me so again I shall be strangely angry. You should have more regard to your lady's honor.

MRS SENTRY

If I stay in the room she will not speak kindly to me in a week after, and if I go out she always chides me thus. This is a strange infirmity she has, but I must bear with it; for, on my conscience, custom has made it so natural she cannot help it.

LADY COCKWOOD

Are my cousins come home yet?

MRS SENTRY

Not yet, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Dost thou know whither they went this evening?

MRS SENTRY

I heard them say they would go take the air, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Well, I see it is impossible with virtuous counsel to reclaim them. Truly they are so careless of their own I could wish Sir Joslin would remove 'em for fear they should bring an unjust imputation on my honor.

(Enter Ariana and Gatty.)

MRS SENTRY

Heavens forbid, madam!

LADY COCKWOOD

Your servant, cousins.

GATTY AND ARIANA

Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

How have you spent the cool of the evening?

GATTY

As the custom is, madam, breathing the fresh air in the park and Mulberry Garden.

LADY COCKWOOD

Without the company of a relation or some discreet body to justify your reputations to the world? You are young and may be yet insensible of it, but this is a strange censorious age, I assure you.

(Noise of music without.)

ARIANA

Hark! what music's this?

GATTY

I'll lay my life my uncle's drunk, and hath picked us up a couple of worthy servants and brought them home with him in triumph.

(Enter the Music playing, Sir Oliver strutting and swaggering, Sir Joslin singing and dancing with Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman in each hand. Gatty and Ariana, seeing Courtall and Freeman, shriek and exeunt.)

SIR JOSLIN

Hey day! I told you they were a couple of skittish fillies, but I never knew 'em boggle at a man before. I'll fetch 'em again, I warrant you, boys.

(Exit after them.)

FREEMAN

(to Courtall) These are the very self-same gowns and petticoats!

COURTALL

Their surprise confirms us it must be them.

FREEMAN

'Slife, we have betrayed ourselves very pleasantly.

COURTALL

Now am I undone to all intents and purposes, for they will innocently discover all to my lady and she will have no mercy.

SIR OLIVER

(Strutting) Dan, dan, da ra, dan... Avoid my presence, the very sight of that face makes me more impotent than an eunuch.

LADY COCKWOOD

Dear Sir Oliver!

(Offering to embrace him.)

SIR OLIVER

Forbear your conjugal clippings, I will have a wench. Thou shalt fetch me a wench, Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

Can you be so inhumane to my dear lady?

SIR OLIVER

Peace, envy, or I will have thee executed for petty treason: thy skin flayed off, stuffed and hung up in my hall in the country as a terror to my whole family.

COURTALL

What crime can deserve this horrid punishment?

SIR OLIVER

I'll tell thee, Ned: 'twas my fortune t'other day to have an intrigue with a tinker's wife in the country, and this malicious slut betrayed the very ditch where we used to make our assignations to my lady.

FREEMAN

She deserves your anger indeed, Sir Oliver. But be not so unkind to your virtuous lady.

SIR OLIVER

Thou dost not know her, Frank. I have had a design to break her heart ever since the first month that I had her, and 'tis so tough that I have not yet cracked one string on't.

COURTALL

You are too unmerciful, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

Hang her, Ned, by wicked policy she would usurp my empire, and in her heart is a very pharaoh, for every night she's a putting me upon making brick without straw.

COURTALL

Dear Madam, is it not as I told you?

LADY COCKWOOD

The fates could not have been more propitious, and I shall not be wanting to the furthering of our mutual happiness.

(Enter Sir Joslin, with Ariana and Gatty in each hand, dancing and singing.)

SIR JOSLIN

This is sly and pretty, 74

And this is wild and witty;

If either stayed

Till she died a maid,

I’faith 'twould be great pity.

Here they are, boys, i'faith, and now little Joslin's a man of his word. Heuk! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, to 'em, to 'em, to 'em, boys, alou! (Flings 'em to Courtall and Freeman, who kiss their hands.) What's yonder, your lady in tears, brother Cockwood? Come, come, I'll make up all breaches.

((He sings.))

And we'll all be merry and frolick.

Fye, fye, though man and wife are seldom in good humor alone, there are few want the discretion to dissemble it in company.

(Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Lady [Cockwood] stand talking together.)

FREEMAN

I knew we should surprise you, ladies.

COURTALL

Faith, I thought this conjuring to be but a mere jest till now, and could not believe the astrological rascal had been so skillful.

FREEMAN

How exactly he described 'em, and how punctual he was in his directions to apprehend 'em!

GATTY

Then you have been with a conjurer, gentlemen.

COURTALL

You cannot blame us, ladies: the loss of our hearts was so considerable that it may well excuse the indirect means we took to find out the pretty thieves that stole 'em.

ARIANA

Did not I tell you what men of business these were, sister?

GATTY

I vow I innocently believed they had some pre-engagement to a scrivener or a surgeon, and wished 'em so well that I am sorry to find 'em so perfidious.

FREEMAN

Why, we have kept our oaths, ladies!

ARIANA

You are much beholding to providence.

GATTY

But we are more, sister. For had we once been deluded into an opinion they had been faithful, who knows into what inconveniences that error might have drawn us?

COURTALL

Why should you be so unreasonable, ladies, to expect that from us we should scarce have hoped for from you? Fye, fye, the keeping of one’s word is a thing below the honor of a gentleman.

FREEMAN

A poor shift! Fit only to uphold the reputation of a paltry citizen.

SIR JOSLIN

Come, come, all will be well again, I warrant you, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

These are insupportable injuries, but I will bear 'em with an invincible patience and tomorrow make him dearly sensible how unworthy he has been.

SIR JOSLIN

Tomorrow my brother Cockwood will be another man. So, boys, and how do you like the flesh and blood of the Jollies? Heuk, Sly-girl and Mad-cap, hey! Come, come, you have heard them exercise their tongues a while. Now you shall see them ply their feet a little. This is a clean-limbed wench, and has neither spavin, splinter, nor wind gall; tune her a jig, and play't roundly, you shall see her bounce it away like a nimble frigot before a fresh gale. Hey, methinks I see her under sail already.

(Gatty dances a jig.)

SIR JOSLIN

Hey, my little Mad-cap... Here's a girl of the true breed of the Jollies, i'faith... But hark you, hark you, a consultation, gentlemen (bear up, brother Cockwood, a little): what think you if we pack these idle housewives to bed now and retire into a room by ourselves, and have a merry catch and a bottle or two of the best, and perfect the good work we have so unanimously carried on today?

SIR OLIVER

A most admirable intrigue... tan, dan, da, ra, dan. Come, come, march to your several quarters. Go, we have sent for a civil person or two and are resolved to fornicate in private.

LADY COCKWOOD

This is a barbarous return of all my kindness.

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

Your humble servant, madam.

(Exit Lady Cockwood and Mrs Sentry.)

COURTALL

[To Ariana and Gatty] Hark you, hark you, ladies! Do not harbor too ill an opinion of us, for faith, when you have had a little more experience of the world you'll find we are no such abominable rascals.

GATTY

We shall be so charitable to think no worse of you than we do of all mankind for your sakes, only that you are perjured, perfidious, inconstant, ungrateful.

FREEMAN

Nay, nay, that's enough in all conscience, ladies. And now you are sensible what a shameful thing it is to break one’s word, I hope you'll be more careful to keep yours tomorrow.

GATTY

“Invent an oath, and let it be so horrid—”

COURTALL

Nay, nay, it is too late for raillery, i'faith, ladies.

GATTY AND ARIANA

Well, your servant then. Your servant, ladies.

SIR OLIVER

Now the enemy's marched out...

SIR JOSLIN

Then the castle's our own, boys! Hey!

([Sings.])

And here and there I had her,

And everywhere I had her,

Her toy was such, that every touch

Would make a lover madder.

Hey, brave Sir Joslin!

SIR OLIVER

Ah my dear little witty Joslin, let me hug thee.

SIR JOSLIN

Strike up, you obstreperous rascals, and march along before us.

(Exeunt singing and dancing.)

ACT THREE

SCENE 1

(The New Exchange)

(Mrs Trinket sitting in a shop, people passing by as in the Exchange.)

MRS TRINKET

What d'ye buy? What d'ye lack, gentlemen? Gloves, ribbons, and essences? Ribbons, gloves, and essences? Enter Mr Courtall. Mr Courtall! I thought you had a quarrel to the Change and were resolved we should never see you here again.

COURTALL

Your unkindness, indeed, Mrs Trinket, had been enough to make a man banish himself forever.

(Enter Mrs Gazette.)

MRS TRINKET

Look you, yonder comes fine Mrs Gazette; thither you intended your visit, I am sure.

MRS GAZETTE

Mr Courtall! Your servant.

COURTALL

Your servant, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

This happiness was only meant to Mrs Trinket, had it not been my good fortune to pass by, by chance, I should have lost my share on't.

COURTALL

This is too cruel, Mrs Gazette, when all the unkindness is on your side, to rally your servant thus.

MRS GAZETTE

I vow this tedious absence of yours made me believe you intended to try an experiment on my poor heart, to discover that hidden secret: how long a despairing lover may languish without the sight of the party.

COURTALL

You are always very pleasant on this subject, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

And have not you reason to be so too?

COURTALL

Not that I know of.

MRS GAZETTE

Yes, you hear the good news.

COURTALL

What good news?

MRS GAZETTE

How well this dissembling becomes you! But now I think better on't, it cannot concern you: you are more a gentleman than to have an amour last longer than an Easter term with a country lady. And yet there are some I see as well in the country as in the city that have a pretty way of housewifing a lover, and can spin an intrigue out a great deal farther than others are willing to do.

COURTALL

What pretty art have they, good Mrs Gazette?

MRS GAZETTE

When tradesmen see themselves in an ill condition, and are afraid of breaking, can they do better than to take in a good substantial partner to help to carry on their trading?

COURTALL

Sure you have been at riddle me, riddle me; lately you are so wondrous witty.

MRS GAZETTE

And yet I believe my Lady Cockwood is so haughty she had rather give over the vanity of an intrigue than take in a couple of young handsome kinswomen to help to maintain it.

COURTALL

I knew it would out at last. Indeed it is the principle of most good women that love gaming, when they begin to grow a little out of play themselves, to make an interest in some young gamester or other in hopes to rook a favor now and then. But you are quite out in your policy: my Lady Cockwood is none of these, I assure you. Hark you, Mrs Gazette, you must needs bestir yourself a little for me this morning, or else heaven have mercy on a poor sinner.

MRS GAZETTE

I hope this wicked woman has no design upon your body already, alas! I pity your tender conscience.

COURTALL

I have always made thee my confident, and now I come to thee as to a faithful counsellor.

MRS GAZETTE

State your case.

COURTALL

Why, this ravenous kite is upon wing already, is fetching a little compass, and will be here within this half hour to swoop me away.

MRS GAZETTE

And you would have me your scarecrow?

COURTALL

Something of that there is in’t: she is still your customer.

MRS GAZETTE

I have furnished her and the young ladies with a few fashionable toys since they came to town, to keep 'em in countenance at a play or in the park.

COURTALL

I would have thee go immediately to the young ladies and by some device or other entice 'em hither.

MRS GAZETTE

I came just now from taking measure of 'em for a couple of handkerchiefs.

COURTALL

How unlucky's this!

MRS GAZETTE

They were calling for their hoods and scarfs and are coming hither to lay out a little money in ribbons and essences. I have recommended them to Mrs Trinket’s shop here.

COURTALL

This falls out more luckily than what I had contrived myself, or could have done! For here will they be busy just before the door where we have made our appointment. But if this long-winged devil should chance to truss me before they come...

MRS GAZETTE

I will only step up and give some directions to my maid about a little business that is in haste and come down again and watch her. If you are snapped, I'll be with you presently and rescue you, I warrant you, or at least stay you 'till more company come. She dares not force you away in my sight; she knows I am great with Sir Oliver, and as malicious a devil as the best of 'em. Your servant, sir.

(Exit Mrs Gazette.)

(Enter Freeman.)

COURTALL

Freeman! 'Tis well you are come.

FREEMAN

Well! What counter plot? What hopes of disappointing the old, and of seeing the young ladies? I am ready to receive your orders.

COURTALL

Faith, things are not so well contrived as I could have wished 'em, and yet I hope by the help of Mrs Gazette to keep my word, Frank.

FREEMAN

Nay, now I know what tool thou hast made choice of, I make no question but the business will go well forward. But I am afraid this last unlucky business has so distasted these young trouts they will not be so easily tickled as they might have been.

COURTALL

Never fear it: whatsoever women say, I am sure they seldom think the worse of a man for running at all; 'tis a sign of youth and high metal, and makes them rather piquée who shall tame him. That which troubles me most is we lost the hopes of variety, and a single intrigue in love is as dull as a single plot in a play, and will tire a lover worse than t'other does an audience.

FREEMAN

We cannot be long without some under-plots in this town. Let this be our main design, and if we are anything fortunate in our contrivance we shall make it a pleasant comedy.

COURTALL

Leave all things to me and hope the best. Be gone, for I expect their coming immediately. Walk a turn or two above, or fool a while with pretty Mrs Anvil, and scent your eyebrows and periwig with a little essence of oranges or jessamine. And when you see us all together at Mrs Gazette’s shop put in as it were by chance. I protest yonder comes the old haggard, to your post quickly. ‘Sdeath, where's Gazette and these young ladies now? Exit Freeman. Enter Lady Cockwood and Mrs Sentry. O Madam, I have waited here at least an hour, and time seems very tedious when it delays so great a happiness as you bring with you.

LADY COCKWOOD

I vow, sir, I did but stay to give Sir Oliver his due correction for those unseemly injuries he did me last night. Is your coach ready?

COURTALL

Yes, madam, but how will you dispose of your maid?

LADY COCKWOOD

My maid! For heaven’s sake, what do you mean, sir? Do I ever use to go abroad without her?

COURTALL

'Tis upon no design, madam, I speak it, I assure you. But my glass coach broke last night and I was forced to bring my chariot, which can hold but two.

LADY COCKWOOD

O heaven! You must excuse me, dear sir, for I shall deny myself the sweetest recreations in the world rather than yield to anything that may bring a blemish upon my spotless honor.

(Enter Mrs Gazette.)

MRS GAZETTE

Your humble servant, madam. Your servant, Mr Courtall.

LADY COCKWOOD AND COURTALL

Your servant, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

I am extreme glad to see your ladyship here: I intended to send my maid to your lodgings this afternoon, madam, to tell you I have a parcel of new lace come in, the prettiest patterns that ever were seen. For I am very desirous so good a customer as your ladyship should see 'em first and have your choice.

LADY COCKWOOD

I am much beholding to you, Mrs Gazette; I was newly come into the Exchange and intended to call at your shop before I went home.

(Enter Ariana and Gatty, Mrs Gazette goes to 'em.)

COURTALL

'Sdeath, here are your cousins too! now there is no hope left for a poor unfortunate lover to comfort himself withal.

LADY COCKWOOD

Will fate never be more propitious?

GATTY AND ARIANA

Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

I am newly come into the Exchange and by chance met with Mr Courtall here, who will needs give himself the trouble to play the gallant and wait upon me.

GATTY

Does your ladyship come to buy?

LADY COCKWOOD

A few trifles. Mrs Gazette says she has a parcel of very fine new laces, shall we go look upon 'em?

ARIANA

We will only fancy a suit of knots or two at this shop, and buy a little essence, and wait upon your ladyship immediately.

GATTY

Mrs Gazette, you are skilled in the fashion, pray let our choice have your approbation.

MRS GAZETTE

Most gladly, madam.

(All go to the shop to look upon ware but Courtall and Lady Cockwood.)

COURTALL

'Sdeath, madam, if you had made no ceremony but stepped into the coach presently we had escaped this mischief.

LADY COCKWOOD

My over-tenderness of my honor has blasted all my hopes of happiness.

COURTALL

To be thus unluckily surprised in the height of all our expectation leaves me no patience.

LADY COCKWOOD

Moderate your passion a little, sir, I may yet find out a way.

COURTALL

Oh 'tis impossible, madam, never think on't now you have been seen with me: to leave 'em upon any pretense will be so suspicious that my concern for your honor will make me so feverish and disordered that I shall lose the taste of all the happiness you give me.

LADY COCKWOOD

Methinks you are too scrupulous, heroic sir.

COURTALL

Besides the concerns I have for you, madam, you know the obligations I have to Sir Oliver, and what professions of friendship there are on both sides. And to be thought perfidious and ungrateful, what an affliction would that be to a generous spirit!

LADY COCKWOOD

Must we then unfortunately part thus?

COURTALL

Now I have better thought on't, that is not absolutely necessary neither.

LADY COCKWOOD

These words revive my dying joys, dear sir, go on.

COURTALL

I will by and by, when I see it most convenient, beg the favor of your ladyship and your young kinswomen to accept of a treat and a fiddle. You make some little difficulty at first, but upon earnest persuasion comply and use your interest to make the young ladies do so too. Your company will secure their reputations, and their company take off from you all suspicion.

LADY COCKWOOD

The natural inclination they have to be jigging will make them very ready to comply. But what advantage can this be to our happiness, dear sir?

COURTALL

Why first, madam, if the young ladies or Mrs Gazette have any doubts upon their surprising us together, our joining company will clear 'em all. Next, we shall have some satisfaction in being an afternoon together, though we enjoy not that full freedom we so passionately desire.

LADY COCKWOOD

Very good, sir.

COURTALL

But then lastly, madam, we gain an opportunity to contrive another appointment tomorrow, which may restore us unto all those joys we have been so unfortunately disappointed of today.

LADY COCKWOOD

This is a very prevailing argument indeed. But since Sir Oliver believes I have conceived so desperate a sorrow 'tis fit we should keep this from his knowledge.

COURTALL

Are the young ladies secret?

LADY COCKWOOD

They have the good principles not to betray themselves, I assure you.

COURTALL

Then 'tis but going to a house that is not haunted by the company and we are secure. And, now I think on't, the Bear in Drury Lane is the fittest place for our purpose.

LADY COCKWOOD

I know your honor, dear sir, and submit to your discretion. [To Ariana and Gatty] Have you gratified your fancies, cousins?

(To them Ariana, Gatty, and Mrs Gazette from the shop.)

ARIANA

We are ready to wait upon you, madam.

GATTY

I never saw colors better mingled.

MRS GAZETTE

How lively they set off one another, and how they add to the complexion!

LADY COCKWOOD

Mr Courtall, your most humble servant.

COURTALL

Pray, madam, let me have the honor to wait upon you and these young ladies till I see you in your coach.

LADY COCKWOOD

Your friendship to Sir Oliver would engage you in an unnecessary trouble.

ARIANA

Let not an idle ceremony take you from your serious business, good sir.

GATTY

I should rather have expected to have seen you, sir, walking in Westminster Hall, watching to make a match at tennis or waiting to dine with a Parliament man than to meet you in such an idle place as the Exchange is.

COURTALL

Methinks, ladies, you are well acquainted with me upon the first visit.

ARIANA

We received your character before. You know, sir, in the Mulberry Garden upon oath.

COURTALL

'Sdeath, what shall I do? Now out comes all my roguery.

GATTY

Yet I am apt to believe, sister, that was some malicious fellow that willfully perjured himself on purpose to make us have an ill opinion of this worthy gentleman.

COURTALL

Some rash men would be apt enough to inquire him out and cut his throat, ladies, but I heartily forgive him whosoever he was. For, on my conscience, 'twas not so much out of malice to me as out of love to you he did it.

MRS GAZETTE

He might imagine Mr Courtall was his rival.

COURTALL

Very likely, Mrs Gazette.

LADY COCKWOOD

Whosoever he was he was an unworthy fellow, I warrant him: Mr Courtall is known to be a person of worth and honor.

ARIANA

We took him for an idle fellow, madam, and gave but very little credit to what he said.

COURTALL

What a couple of young devils are these?

LADY COCKWOOD

Since you are willing to give yourself this trouble.

COURTALL

I ought to do my duty, madam.

(Exeunt all but Ariana and Gatty.)

ARIANA

How he blushed, and hung down his head!

GATTY

A little more had put him as much out of countenance as a country clown is when he ventures to complement his attorney’s daughter.

(They follow.)

SCENE 2

(Sir Oliver's dining room)

(Enter Sir Joslin and servant [Thomas] severally.)

SIR JOSLIN

How now, old boy! Where's my brother Cockwood today?

THOMAS

He desires to be in private, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

Why? What's the matter, man?

THOMAS

This is a day of humiliation, sir, with him for last night’s transgression.

SIR JOSLIN

I have business of consequence to impart to him, and must and will speak with him. So, ho! Brother Cockwood!

SIR OLIVER

(Without) Who's that, my brother Jolly?

SIR JOSLIN

The same, the same! Come away, boy.

SIR OLIVER

(Without) For some secret reasons I desire to be in private, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

I have such a design on foot as would draw Diogenes out of his tub to follow it. Therefore I say: come away, come away.

(Sir Oliver entering in a night gown and slippers.)

SIR OLIVER

There is such a strange temptation in thy voice, never stir.

SIR JOSLIN

What, in thy gown and slippers yet! Why, brother, I have bespoke dinner and engaged Mr Rake-hell, the little smart gentleman I have often promised thee to make thee acquainted withal, to bring a whole bevy of damsels in sky, and pink, and flame-colored taffetas. Come, come, dress thee quickly, there's to be Madam Rampant, a girl that shines and will drink at such a rate she's a mistress for Alexander were he alive again.

SIR OLIVER

How unluckily this falls out! Thomas, what clothes have I to put on?

THOMAS

None but your penitential suit, sir. All the rest are secured.

SIR OLIVER

Oh, unspeakable misfortune! That I should be in disgrace with my lady now!

SIR JOSLIN

Come, come, never talk of clothes, put on anything, thou hast a person and a mine will bear it out bravely.

SIR OLIVER

Nay, I know my behavior will show I am a gentleman, but yet the ladies will look scurvily upon me, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

That's a jest, i'faith! He that has terra firma in the country may appear in anything before 'em.

((Sings.))

For he that would have a wench kind

Ne'er smugs up himself like a ninny,

But plainly tells her his mind

And tickles her first with a guinea.

Hey, boy—

SIR OLIVER

I vow thou hast such a bewitching way with thee!

SIR JOSLIN

How lovely will the ladies look when they have a beer glass in their hands!

SIR OLIVER

I now have a huge mind to venture. But if this should come to my lady's knowledge...

SIR JOSLIN

I have bespoke dinner at the Bear, the privatest place in town. There will be no spies to betray us if Thomas be but secret, I dare warrant thee, brother Cockwood.

SIR OLIVER

I have always found Thomas very faithful. But faith, 'tis too unkind considering how tenderly my lady loves me.

SIR JOSLIN

Fye, fye, a man and kept so much under correction by a busk and a fan!

SIR OLIVER

Nay, I am in my nature as valiant as any man when once I set out. But, i'faith, I cannot but think how my dear lady will be concerned when she comes home and misses me.

SIR JOSLIN

A pox upon these qualms.

SIR OLIVER

Well, thou hast seduced me. But I shall look so untowardly...

SIR JOSLIN

Again art thou at it? In, in, and make all the haste that may be, Rake-hell and the ladies will be there before us else.

SIR OLIVER

Well, thou art an errant devil... Hey for the ladies, brother Jolly!

SIR JOSLIN

Hey for the ladies, brother Cockwood!

(Exit singing “For he that would etc.”)

SCENE 3

(The Bear)

COURTALL

(Without) Ho, Francis, Humphrey! Show a room there!

(Enter Courtall, Freeman, Lady Cockwood, Ariana, Gatty and Mrs Sentry.)

COURTALL

Pray, madam, be not so full of apprehension, there is no fear that this should come to Sir Oliver's knowledge.

LADY COCKWOOD

I were ruined if it should, sir! Dear, how I tremble! I never was in one of these houses before.

MRS SENTRY

This is a bait for the young ladies to swallow: she has been in most of the eating houses about town, to my knowledge.

COURTALL

Oh Francis!

(Enter waiter.)

WAITER

Your worship’s welcome, sir. But I must needs desire you to walk into the next room, for this is bespoke.

LADY COCKWOOD

Mr Courtall, did not you say this place was private?

COURTALL

I warrant you, madam. What company dines here, Francis?

WAITER

A couple of country knights: Sir Joslin Jolly and Sir Oliver Cockwood, very honest gentlemen.

LADY COCKWOOD

Combination to undo me!

COURTALL

[To Lady Cockwood] Peace, madam, or you'll betray yourself to the waiter!

LADY COCKWOOD

I am distracted! Sentry, did not I command thee to secure all Sir Oliver's clothes and leave nothing for him to put on but his penitential suit that I might be sure he could not stir abroad today?

MRS SENTRY

I obeyed you in everything, madam, but I have often told you this Sir Joslin is a wicked seducer.

ARIANA

If my uncle sees us, sister, what will he think of us?

GATTY

We come but to wait upon her ladyship.

FREEMAN

You need not fear, you chickens are secure under the wings of that old hen.

COURTALL

Is there to be nobody, Francis, but Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin?

WAITER

Faith, sir, I was enjoined secrecy, but you have an absolute power over me. Coming lately out of the country where there is but little variety, they have a design to solace themselves with a fresh girl or two, as I understand the business.

(Exit Waiter.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh Sentry! Sir Oliver disloyal! My misfortunes come too thick upon me.

COURTALL

Now is she afraid of being disappointed on all hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

I know not what to do, Mr Courtall; I would not be surprised here myself and yet I would prevent Sir Oliver from prosecuting his wicked and perfidious intentions.

ARIANA

[To Gatty] Now shall we have admirable sport, what with her fear and jealousy.

GATTY

[To Ariana] I lay my life she routs the wenches.

(Enter Waiter.)

WAITER

I must needs desire you to step into the next room, Sir Joslin and Sir Oliver are below already.

LADY COCKWOOD

I have not power to move a foot.

FREEMAN

We will consider what is to be done within, madam.

COURTALL

Pray, madam, come. I have a design in my head which shall secure you, surprise Sir Oliver and free you from all your fears.

LADY COCKWOOD

It cannot be, sir.

COURTALL

Never fear it. Francis, you may own Mr Freeman and I are in the house if they ask for us, but not a word of these ladies as you tender the wearing of your ears.

(Exeunt.)

(Enter Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Waiter.)

SIR JOSLIN

Come, brother Cockwood, prithee be brisk.

SIR OLIVER

I shall disgrace myself forever, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

Pox upon care, never droop like a cock in moulting time, thou art spark enough in all conscience.

SIR OLIVER

But my heart begins to fail me when I think of my lady.

SIR JOSLIN

What, more qualms yet?

SIR OLIVER

Well, I will be courageous. But it is not necessary these strangers should know this is my penitential suit, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

They shall not, they shall not. Hark you, old boy, is the meat provided? Is the wine and ice come? And are the melodious rascals at hand I spoke for?

WAITER

Everything will be in a readiness, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

If Mr Rake-hell, with a coach full or two of vizard masks and silk petticoats, call at the door usher 'em up to the place of execution.

WAITER

You shall be obeyed, sir.

(Exit Waiter.)

(Enter Rake-hell.)

SIR JOSLIN

Ho, here's my little Rake-hell come! Brother Cockwood, let me commend this ingenious gentleman to your acquaintance. He is a knight of the industry, has many admirable qualities, I assure you.

SIR OLIVER

I am very glad, sir, of this opportunity to know you.

RAKE-HELL

I am happy, sir, if you esteem me your servant. Hark you, Sir Joslin, is this Sir Oliver Cockwood in earnest?

SIR JOSLIN

In very good earnest I assure you. He is a little fantastical now and then, and dresses himself up in an odd fashion, but that's all one among friends, my little Rake-hell.

SIR OLIVER

Where are the damsels you talked of, brother Jolly? I hope Mr Rake-hell has not forgot 'em.

RAKE-HELL

They are arming for the ran-counter.

SIR JOSLIN

What, tricking and trimming?

RAKE-HELL

Even so, and will be here immediately.

SIR OLIVER

They need not make themselves so full of temptation, my brother Jolly and I can be wicked enough without it.

SIR JOSLIN

The truth is, my little Rake-hell, we are both mighty men at arms, and thou shalt see us charge anon to the terror of the ladies.

RAKE-HELL

Methinks that dress, Sir Oliver, is a little too rustical for a man of your capacity.

SIR OLIVER

I have an odd humor, sir, now and then. But I have wherewithal at home to be as spruce as any man.

RAKE-HELL

Your periwig is too scandalous, Sir Oliver; your black cap and border is never worn but by a fiddler or a waiter.

SIR JOSLIN

Prithee, my little Rake-hell, do not put my brother Cockwood out of conceit of himself! Methinks your calot is a pretty ornament, and makes a man look both polite and politic.

RAKE-HELL

I will allow you 'tis a grave ware, and fit for men of business that are every moment bending of their brows and scratching of their heads, every project would claw out another periwig. But a lover had better appear before his mistress with a bald pate: 'twill make the ladies apprehend a savor, stop their noses and avoid you. 'Slife, love in a cap is more ridiculous than love in a tub or love in a pipkin.

SIR OLIVER

I must confess your whole head is now in fashion, but there was a time when your calot was not so despicable.

RAKE-HELL

Here's a perruque, sir.

SIR OLIVER

A very good one.

RAKE-HELL

A very good one? ’Tis the best in England! Pray, Sir Joslin, take him in your hand and draw a comb through him, there is not such another frizz in Europe.

SIR JOSLIN

'Tis a very fine one indeed.

RAKE-HELL

Pray, Sir Oliver, do me the favor to grace it on your head a little.

SIR OLIVER

To oblige you, sir.

RAKE-HELL

You never wore anything became you half so well in all your life before.

SIR JOSLIN

Why, you never saw him in your life before.

RAKE-HELL

That's all one, sir, I know 'tis impossible. Here's a beaver, Sir Oliver, feel him. For fineness, substance, and for fashion, the court of France never saw a better. I have bred him but a fortnight and have him at command already. Clap him on boldly, never hat took the fore-cock and the hind-cock at one motion so naturally.

SIR OLIVER

I think you have a mind to make a spark of me before I see the ladies.

RAKE-HELL

Now you have the mien of a true cavalier, And with one look may make a lady kind, and a Hector humble: and since I named a Hector, here's a sword, sir: sa, sa, sa, try him, Sir Joslin, put him to't, cut through the staple, run him through the door, beat him to the hilts, if he breaks, you shall have liberty to break my pate, And pay me never a groat of the ten for't.

SIR JOSLIN

'Tis a very pretty weapon indeed, sir.

RAKE-HELL

The hilt is true French-wrought, and dorée by the best workman in France. This sword and this castor, with an embroidered button and loop which I have to vary him upon occasion, were sent me out of France for a token by my elder brother that went over with a handsome equipage to take the pleasure of this champagne.

SIR OLIVER

Have you a mind to sell these things, sir?

RAKE-HELL

That is below a gentleman... yet if a person of honor or a particular friend, such as I esteem you, Sir Oliver, take at any time a fancy to a band, a cravat, a velvet coat, a vest, a ring, a flajolet , or any other little toy I have about me I am good natured and may be easily persuaded to play the fool upon good terms.

(Enter Freeman.)

SIR JOSLIN

Worthy Mr Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

Honest Frank, how cam'st thou to find us out, man?

FREEMAN

By mere chance, sir. Ned Courtall is without writing a letter, and I came in to know whether you had any particular engagements, gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER

We resolved to be in private. But you are men without exception.

FREEMAN

Methinks you intended to be in private indeed, Sir Oliver. 'Sdeath, what disguise have you got on? Are you grown grave since last night and come to sin incognito?

SIR OLIVER

Hark you in your ear, Frank, this is my habit of humiliation which I always put on the next day after I have transgressed the better to make my pacification with my incensed lady.

FREEMAN

Ha, ha, ha!

RAKE-HELL

Mr Freeman, your most humble servant, sir.

FREEMAN

Oh, my little dapper officer! Are you here?

SIR JOSLIN

Ha, Mr Freeman, we have bespoke all the jovial entertainment that a merry wag can wish for: good meat, good wine, and a wholesome wench or two. For the digestion we shall have Madam Rampant, the glory of the town, the brightest she that shines, or else my little Rake-hell is not a man of his word, sir.

RAKE-HELL

I warrant you she comes, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

(Sings) And if she comes she shall not escape, 82

If twenty pounds will win her.

Her very eye commits a rape,

’Tis such a tempting sinner.

(Enter Courtall.)

COURTALL

Well said, Sir Joslin, I see you hold up still and bate not an ace of your good humor.

SIR JOSLIN

Noble Mr Courtall!

COURTALL

Bless me, Sir Oliver, what are you going to act a droll? How the people would throng about you if you were but mounted on a few deal-boards in Covent Garden now!

SIR OLIVER

Hark you, Ned, this is the badge of my lady's indignation for my last night's offence. Do not insult over a poor sober man in affliction.

COURTALL

Come, come, send home for your clothes. I hear you are to have ladies, and you are not to learn at these years how absolutely necessary a rich vest and a perruque are to a man that aims at their favors.

SIR OLIVER

A pox on't, Ned, my lady's gone abroad in a damned jealous melancholy humor and has commanded her woman to secure 'em.

COURTALL

Under lock and key?

SIR OLIVER

Aye, aye, man. ’Tis usual in these cases, out of pure love in hopes to reclaim me, and to keep me from doing my self an injury by drinking two days together.

COURTALL

What a loving lady 'tis!

SIR OLIVER

There are sots that would think themselves happy in such a lady, Ned, but to a true bred gentleman all lawful solace is abomination.

RAKE-HELL

Mr Courtall, your most humble servant, sir.

COURTALL

Oh! My little knight of the industry, I am glad to see you in such good company.

FREEMAN

[To Courtall] Courtall, hark you, are the masking habits which you sent to borrow at the playhouse come yet?

COURTALL

[To Freeman] Yes, and the ladies are almost dressed. This design will add much to our mirth, and give us the benefit of their meat, wine, and music for our entertainment.

FREEMAN

'Twas luckily thought of.

SIR OLIVER

Hark, the music comes.

(Music [starts playing off-stage.])

SIR JOSLIN

Hey, boys! Let 'em enter, let 'em enter!

(Enter Waiter.)

WAITER

An't please your worships, there is a mask of ladies without that desire to have the freedom to come in and dance.

SIR JOSLIN

Hey, boys!

SIR OLIVER

Did you bid 'em come 'en masquerade, Mr Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

No. But Rampant is a mad wench, she was half a dozen times a mumming in private company last Shrovetide, and I lay my life she has put 'em all upon this frolic.

COURTALL

They are mettled girls, I warrant them, Sir Joslin, let 'em be what they will.

SIR JOSLIN

Let 'em enter, let 'em enter! Ha, boys!

(Enter Music and the ladies in an antic, and then they take out my Lady Cockwood [with] Sir Oliver, the young ladies [Ariana and Gatty with] Courtall and Freeman, and Sentry [with] Sir Joslin, and dance a set dance.)

SIR OLIVER

Oh, my little rogue! Have I got thee? How I will turn and wind, and feague thy body!

SIR JOSLIN

Mettle on all sides, mettle on all sides, i'faith. How swimmingly would this pretty little ambling filly carry a man of my body!

((Sings.))

She's so bonny and brisk,

How she'd carvet and frisk,

If a man were once mounted upon her!

Let me have but a leap

Where 'tis wholesome and cheap,

And a fig for your person of honor.

SIR OLIVER

'Tis true, little Joslin, i'faith!

COURTALL

They have warmed us, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

Now am I as rampant as a lion, Ned, and could love as vigorously as a seaman that is newly landed after an East India voyage.

COURTALL

Take my advice, Sir Oliver, do not in your rage deprive yourself of your only hope of an accommodation with your lady.

SIR OLIVER

I had rather have a perpetual civil war than purchase peace at such a dishonorable rate. A poor fiddler after he has been three days persecuted at a country wedding takes more delight in scraping upon his old squeaking fiddle than I do in fumbling on that domestic instrument of mine.

COURTALL

Be not so bitter, Sir Oliver, on your own dear lady.

SIR OLIVER

I was married to her when I was young, Ned, with a design to be baulked as they tie whelps to the bellwether. Where I have been so butted, 'twere enough to fright me were I not pure mettle from ever running at sheep again.

COURTALL

That's no sure rule, Sir Oliver. For a wife's a dish, of which if a man once surfeit, he shall have a better stomach to all others ever after.

SIR OLIVER

What a shape is here, Ned! So exact and tempting, 'twould persuade a man to be an implicit sinner and take her face upon credit.

SIR JOSLIN

Come, brother Cockwood, let us get 'em to lay aside these masking fopperies and then we'll feague 'em in earnest. Give us a bottle, waiter.

FREEMAN

Not before dinner, good Sir Joslin...

SIR OLIVER

Lady, though I have out of drollery put myself into this contemptible dress at present, I am a gentleman and a man of courage, as you shall find anon by my brisk behavior.

RAKE-HELL

Sir Joslin! Sir Oliver! These are none of our ladies! They are just come to the door in a coach and have sent for me down to wait upon 'em up to you.

SIR JOSLIN

Hey, boys! More game, more game! Fetch 'em up, fetch 'em up!

SIR OLIVER

Why, what a day of sport will here be, Ned?

(Exit Rake-hell.)

SIR JOSLIN

They shall all have fair play, boys.

SIR OLIVER

And we will match ourselves and make a prize on’t: Ned Courtall and I against Frank Freeman and you brother Jolly, and Rake-hell shall be judge for gloves and silk stockings to be bestowed as the conqueror shall fancy.

SIR JOSLIN

Agreed, agreed, agreed!

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

A match, a match!

SIR OLIVER

Hey, boys!

(Lady Cockwood counterfeits a fit.)

MRS SENTRY

(Sentry pulling off her mask) Oh heavens! My dear lady! Help, help!

SIR OLIVER

What's here? Sentry and my lady! 'Sdeath, what a condition am I in now, Brother Jolly! You have brought me into this premunire! For heaven’s sake, run down quickly and send the rogue and whores away! Help, help! Oh, help! Dear madam, sweet lady!

(Exit Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver kneels down by her [Lady Cockwood].)

MRS SENTRY

Oh she's gone, she's gone!

FREEMAN

Give her more air!

COURTALL

Fetch a glass of cold water, Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

Dear madam speak, sweet madam speak!

MRS SENTRY

Out upon thee for a vile hypocrite! Thou art the wicked author of all this! Who but such a reprobate, such an obdurate sinner as thou art, could go about to abuse so sweet a lady?

SIR OLIVER

Dear Sentry, do not stab me with thy words but stab me with thy bodkin rather, that I may here die a sacrifice at her feet for all my disloyal actions.

MRS SENTRY

No, live, live to be a reproach and a shame to all rebellious husbands. Ah, that she had but my heart! But thou hast bewitched her affections; thou shouldst then dearly smart for this abominable treason.

GATTY

So, now she begins to come to herself.

ARIANA

Set her more upright and bend her a little forward.

LADY COCKWOOD

Unfortunate woman! Let me go! Why do you hold me? Would I had a dagger at my heart, to punish it for loving that ungrateful man.

SIR OLIVER

Dear madam, were I but worthy of your pity and belief.

LADY COCKWOOD

Peace, peace, perfidious man, I am too tame and foolish! Were I every day at the plays, the park and Mulberry Garden with a kind look secretly to indulge the unlawful passion of some young gallant... or did I associate myself with the gaming madams and were every afternoon at my Lady Brief’s and my Lady Meanwell’s at Umbre and Quebas, pretending ill luck to borrow money of a friend and then pretending good luck to excuse the plenty to a husband, my suspicious demeanor had deserved this. But I, who out of a scrupulous tenderness to my honor and to comply with thy base jealousy, have denied myself all those blameless recreations which a virtuous lady might enjoy, to be thus inhumanely reviled in my own person and thus unreasonably robbed and abused in thine too!

COURTALL

Sure she will take up anon, or crack her mind, or else the devil's in’t.

LADY COCKWOOD

Do not stay and torment me with thy sight! Go, graceless wretch, follow thy treacherous resolutions, do and waste that poor stock of comfort which I should have at home upon those your ravenous cormorants below. I feel my passion begin to swell again.

(She has a little fit again.)

COURTALL

Now will she get an absolute dominion over him, and all this will be my plague in the end!

SIR OLIVER

(Running up and down) Ned Courtall, Frank Freeman, cousin Ariana, and dear cousin Gatty, for heaven’s sake join all and moderate her passion! Ah, Sentry! Forbear thy unjust reproaches, take pity on thy master! Thou hast a great influence over her, and I have always been mindful of thy favors.

MRS SENTRY

You do not deserve the least compassion, nor would I speak a good word for you but that I know for all this 'twill be acceptable to my poor lady. Dear madam, do but look up a little, Sir Oliver lies at your feet an humble penitent.

ARIANA

How bitterly he weeps! How sadly he sighs!

GATTY

I dare say he counterfeited his sin and is real in his repentance.

COURTALL

Compose yourself a little, pray, madam. All this was mere raillery, a way of talk which Sir Oliver, being well bred, has learned among the gay people of the town.

FREEMAN

If you did but know, madam, what an odious thing it is to be thought to love a wife in good company you would easily forgive him.

LADY COCKWOOD

No, no, 'twas the mild correction which I gave him for his insolent behavior last night that has encouraged him again thus to insult over my affections.

COURTALL

Come, come, Sir Oliver, out with your bosom secret and clear all things to your lady. Is it not as we have said?

SIR OLIVER

Or may I never have the happiness to be in her good grace again! And as for the harlots, dear madam, here is Ned Courtall and Frank Freeman that have often seen me in company of the wicked. Let 'em speak if they ever knew me tempted to a disloyal action in their lives.

COURTALL

On my conscience, Madam, I may more safely swear that Sir Oliver has been constant to your ladyship than that a girl of twelve years old has her maidenhead this warm and ripening age.

(Enter Sir Joslin.)

SIR OLIVER

Here's my brother Jolly too can witness the loyalty of my heart, and that I did not intend any treasonable practice against your ladyship in the least.

SIR JOSLIN

Unless feaguing 'em with a beer glass be included in the statute. Come, Mr Courtall, to satisfy my lady and put her in a little good humor, let us sing the catch I taught you yesterday that was made by a country vicar on my brother Cockwood and me.

COURTALL AND SIR JOSLIN

(They sing.) Love and wenching are toys 157

Fit to please beardless boys,

Th'are sports we hate worse than a leaguer,

When we visit a miss

We still brag how we kiss

But 'tis with a bottle we feague her.

SIR JOSLIN

Come, come, madam, let all things be forgot. Dinner is ready, the cloth is laid in the next room, let us in and be merry. There was no harm meant as I am true little Joslin.

LADY COCKWOOD

Sir Oliver knows I can't be angry with him, though he plays the naughty man thus. But why, my dear, would y'expose yourself in this ridiculous habit to the censure of both our honors?

SIR OLIVER

Indeed I was to blame to be over-persuaded. I intended dutifully to retire into the pantry, and there civilly to divert myself at backgammon with the butler.

SIR JOSLIN

Faith, I must even own the fault was mine, I enticed him hither, lady.

SIR OLIVER

[To Courtall] How the devil, Ned, came they to find us out here?

COURTALL

[To Sir Oliver] No bloodhound draws so sure as a jealous woman.

SIR OLIVER

[To Courtall] I am afraid Thomas has been unfaithful. Prithee, Ned, speak to my lady that there may be a perfect understanding between us, and that Sentry may be sent home for my clothes that I may no longer wear the marks of her displeasure.

COURTALL

[To Sir Oliver] Let me alone, Sir Oliver. (He goes to my Lady Cockwood.) How do you find yourself, madam, after this violent passion?

LADY COCKWOOD

This has been a lucky adventure, Mr Courtall. Now am I absolute mistress of my own conduct for a time.

COURTALL

Then shall I be a happy man, madam. I knew this would be the consequence of all, and yet could not I forbear the project.

SIR OLIVER

(To Sir Joslin) How didst thou shuffle away Rake-hell and the lady's brother?

SIR JOSLIN

[To Sir Oliver] I have appointed 'em to meet us at six o’clock at the new Spring Garden.

SIR OLIVER

[To Sir Joslin] Then will we yet, in spite of the stars that have crossed us, be in conjunction with Madam Rampant, brother.

COURTALL

Come, gentlemen, dinner is on the table.

SIR JOSLIN

Ha! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, I'll enter you, i'faith! Since you have found the way to the Bear, I'll feague you.

((Sings.))

When we visit a miss

We still brag how we kiss,

But 'tis with a bottle we feague her.

(Exeunt singing.)

ACT FOUR

SCENE 1

(A dining room)

(Enter Lady Cockwood.)

LADY COCKWOOD

A lady cannot be too jealous of her servants love this faithless and inconstant age. His amorous carriage to that prating girl today, though he pretends it was to blind Sir Oliver, I fear will prove a certain sign of his revolted heart. The letters I have counterfeited in these girls’ name will clear all: if he accept of that appointment and refuses mine I need not any longer doubt. (Enter Sentry). Sentry, have the letters and message been delivered as I directed?

MRS SENTRY

Punctually, madam. I knew they were to be found at the latter end of a play. I sent a porter first with the letter to Mr Courtall, who was at the King’s House; he sent for him out by the doorkeeper and delivered it into his own hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

Did you keep on your vizard, that the fellow might not know how to describe you?

MRS SENTRY

I did, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

And how did he receive it?

MRS SENTRY

Like a traitor to all goodness, with all the signs of joy imaginable.

LADY COCKWOOD

Be not angry, Sentry, 'tis as my heart wished it. What did you do with the letter to Mr Freeman? For I thought fit to deceive 'em both, to make my policy less suspicious to Courtall.

MRS SENTRY

The porter found him at the Duke’s House, madam, and delivered it with like care.

LADY COCKWOOD

Very well.

MRS SENTRY

After the letters were delivered, madam, I went myself to the playhouse and sent in for Mr Courtall, who came out to me immediately. I told him your ladyship presented your humble service to him, and that Sir Oliver was going into the city with Sir Joslin to visit his brother Cockwood, and that it would add much more to your ladyship’s happiness if he would be pleased to meet you in Grays Inn walks this lovely evening.

LADY COCKWOOD

And how did he entertain the motion?

MRS SENTRY

Bless me, I tremble still to think upon it! I could not have imagined he had been so wicked. He counterfeited the greatest passion, railed at his fate, and swore a thousand horrid oaths that since he came into the playhouse he had notice of a business that concerned both his honor and fortune and that he was an undone man if he did not go about it presently. Prayed me to desire your ladyship to excuse him this evening and that tomorrow he would be wholly at your devotion.

LADY COCKWOOD

Ha, ha, ha! He little thinks how much he has obliged me.

MRS SENTRY

I had much ado to forbear upbraiding him with his ingratitude to your ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

Poor Sentry! be not concerned for me, I have conquered my affection and thou shalt find it is not jealousy has been my councilor in this. Go, let our hoods and masks be ready that I may surprise Courtall and make the best advantage of this lucky opportunity.

MRS SENTRY

I obey you, madam.

(Exit Sentry.)

LADY COCKWOOD

How am I filled with indignation! To find my person and my passion both despised, and, what is more, so much precious time fooled away in fruitless expectation. I would poison my face so I might be revenged on this ingrateful villain.

(Enter Sir Oliver.)

SIR OLIVER

My dearest!

LADY COCKWOOD

My dearest dear! Prithee do not go into the city tonight.

SIR OLIVER

My brother Jolly is gone before, and I am to call him at Counsellor Trott's chamber in the Temple.

LADY COCKWOOD

Well, if you did but know the fear I have upon me when you are absent you would not seek occasions to be from me thus.

SIR OLIVER

Let me comfort thee with a kiss. What should'st thou be afraid of?

LADY COCKWOOD

I cannot but believe that every woman that sees thee must be in love with thee as I am. Do not blame my jealousy.

SIR OLIVER

I protest I would refuse a countess rather than abuse thee, poor heart.

LADY COCKWOOD

And then you are so desperate upon the least occasion, I should have acquainted you else with something that concerns your honor.

SIR OLIVER

My honor! You ought in duty to do it.

LADY COCKWOOD

Nay, I knew how passionate you would be presently; therefore you shall never know it.

SIR OLIVER

Do not leave me in doubt, I shall suspect everyone I look upon. I will kill a common councilman or two before I come back if you do not tell me.

LADY COCKWOOD

Dear, how I tremble! Will you promise me you will not quarrel then? If you tender my life and happiness, I am sure you will not.

SIR OLIVER

I will bear anything rather than be an enemy to thy quiet, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

I could wish Mr Courtall a man of better principles, because I know you love him, my dear.

SIR OLIVER

Why, what has he done?

LADY COCKWOOD

I always treated him with great respects out of my regard to your friendship. But he, like an impudent man as he is, today misconstruing my civility in most unseemly language made a foul attempt upon my honor.

SIR OLIVER

Death, and hell, and furies, I will have my pumps and longsword!

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh, I shall faint! Did not you promise me you would not be so rash?

SIR OLIVER

Well, I will not kill him for fear of murdering thee, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

You may decline your friendship, and by your coldness give him no encouragement to visit our family.

SIR OLIVER

I think thy advice the best for this once, indeed, for it is not fit to publish such a business. But if he should be ever tempting or attempting let me know it, prithee, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

If you moderate yourself according to my directions now, I shall never conceal anything from you, that may increase your just opinion of my conjugal fidelity.

SIR OLIVER

Was ever man blessed with such a virtuous lady! Yet cannot I forbear going a ranging again. Now must I to the Spring Garden to meet my brother Jolly and Madam Rampant.

LADY COCKWOOD

Prithee, be so good to think how melancholy I spend my time here. For I have joy in no company but thine, and let that bring thee home a little sooner.

SIR OLIVER

Thou hast been so kind in this discovery, that I am loath to leave thee.

LADY COCKWOOD

I wish you had not been engaged so far.

SIR OLIVER

Aye, that's it. Farewell, my virtuous dear.

(Exit Sir Oliver.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Farewell, my dearest dear. I know he has not courage enough to question Courtall. But this will make him hate him, increase his confidence of me, and justify my banishing that false fellow from our house. It is not fit a man that has abused my love should come hither and pry into my actions. Besides, this will make his access more difficult to that wanton baggage. Enter Ariana and Gatty with their hoods and masks. Whither are you going, cousins?

GATTY

To take the air upon the water, madam.

ARIANA

And for variety, to walk a turn or two in the new Spring Garden.

LADY COCKWOOD

I heard you were gone abroad with Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman.

GATTY

For heaven's sake, why should your ladyship have such an ill opinion of us?

LADY COCKWOOD

The truth is, before I saw you, I believed it merely the vanity of that prating man. Mr Courtall told Mrs Gazette this morning that you were so well acquainted already that you would meet him and Mr Freeman anywhere, and that you had promised 'em to receive and make appointment by letters.

GATTY

Oh, impudent man!

ARIANA

Now you see the consequence, sister, of our rambling: they have raised this false story from our innocent fooling with 'em in the Mulberry Garden last night.

GATTY

I could almost foreswear ever speaking to a man again.

LADY COCKWOOD

Was Mr Courtall in the Mulberry Garden last night?

ARIANA

Yes, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

And did he speak to you?

GATTY

There passed a little harmless raillery betwixt us. But you amaze me, madam.

ARIANA

I could not imagine any man could be thus unworthy.

LADY COCKWOOD

He has quite lost my good opinion too. In duty to Sir Oliver, I have hitherto showed him some countenance, but I shall hate him hereafter for your sakes. But I detain you from your recreations, cousins.

GATTY

We are very much obliged to your ladyship for this timely notice.

GATTY AND ARIANA

Your servant, madam.

(Exeunt Ariana and Gatty.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Your servant, cousins... In the Mulberry Garden last night! When I sat languishing and vainly expecting him at home! This has incensed me so that I could kill him. I am glad these girls are gone to the Spring Garden, it helps my design: the letters I have counterfeited have appointed Courtall and Freeman to meet them there. They will produce 'em and confirm all I have said. I will daily poison these girls with such lies as shall make their quarrel to Courtall irreconcilable, and render Freeman only suspected. For I would not have him thought equally guilty: he secretly began to make an address to meet the at Bear, and this breach shall give him an opportunity to pursue it.

(Enter Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Here are your things, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

That's well. Oh, Sentry! I shall once more be happy, for now Mr Courtall has given me an occasion that I may without ingratitude check his unlawful passion and free myself from the trouble of an intrigue that gives me every day such fearful apprehensions of my honor.

(Exeunt Lady Cockwood and Sentry.)

SCENE 2

(New Spring Garden)

(Enter Sir Joslin, Rake-hell, and Waiter.)

WAITER

Will you be pleased to walk into an arbor, gentlemen?

SIR JOSLIN

By and by, good sir.

RAKE-HELL

I wonder why Sir Oliver is not come yet.

SIR JOSLIN

Nay, he will not fail, I warrant thee, boy. But what's the matter with thy nose, my little Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

A foolish accident. Jesting at the Fleece this afternoon I mistook my man a little, a dull rogue that could not understand raillery, made a sudden repartee with a quart-pot, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

Why didst not thou stick him to the wall, my little Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

The truth is, Sir Joslin, he deserved it. But look you, in case of a doubtful wound I am unwilling to give my friends too often the trouble to bail me. And if it should be mortal, you know a younger brother has not wherewithal to rebate the edge of a witness and mollify the hearts of a jury.

SIR JOSLIN

This is very prudently considered indeed.

RAKE-HELL

'Tis time to be wise, sir. My courage has almost run me out of a considerable annuity. When I lived first about this town, I agreed with a surgeon for twenty pounds a quarter to cure me of all the knocks, bruises, and green wounds I should receive, and in one half year the poor fellow begged me to be released of his bargain and swore I would undo him else in lint and balsam.

(Enter Sir Oliver.)

SIR JOSLIN

Ho! Here's my brother Cockwood come!

SIR OLIVER

Aye, brother Jolly, I have kept my word, you see. But 'tis a barbarous thing to abuse my lady, I have had such a proof of her virtue, I will tell thee all anon. But where's Madam Rampant, and the rest of the ladies, Mr Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

Faith, sir, being disappointed at noon they were unwilling anymore to set a certainty at hazard. ’Tis Term-time and they have severally betook themselves, some to their chamber-practice and others to the places of public pleading.

SIR OLIVER

Faith, brother Jolly, let us even go into an arbor and then feague Mr Rake-hell.

SIR JOSLIN

With all my heart, would we had Madam Rampant.

((Sings.))

She's as frolic and free

As her lovers dare be,

Never awed by a foolish punctilio;

She'll not start from her place,

Though thou namest a black ace,

And will drink a beer glass to Spudilio .

Hey, boys! Come, come, come! Let's in, and delay our sport no longer.

(Exit singing “She'll not start from her place, etc.”)

(Enter Courtall and Freeman severally.)

COURTALL

Freeman!

FREEMAN

Courtall, what the devil's the matter with thee? I have observed thee prying up and down the walks like a citizen's wife that has dropped her holiday pocket handkerchief.

COURTALL

What unlucky devil has brought thee hither?

FREEMAN

I believe a better natured devil than yours, Courtall, if a leveret be better meat than an old puss that has been coursed by most of the young fellows of her country. I am not working my brain for a counter-plot, a disappointment is not my business.

COURTALL

You are mistaken, Freeman. Prithee be gone and leave me the garden to myself, or I shall grow as testy as an old fowler that is put by his shoot after he has crept half a mile upon his belly.

FREEMAN

Prithee be thou gone, or I shall take it as unkindly as a chemist would if thou shouldst kick down his limbeck in the very minute that he looked for projection.

COURTALL

Come, come, you must yield, Freeman, your business cannot be of such consequence as mine.

FREEMAN

If ever thou hadst a business of such consequence in thy life as mine is I will condescend to be made incapable of affairs presently.

COURTALL

Why, I have an appointment made me, man, without my seeking, by a woman for whom I would have mortgaged my whole estate to have had her abroad but to break a cheesecake.

FREEMAN

And I have an appointment made me without my seeking too, by such a she that I will break the whole Ten Commandments rather than disappoint her of her breaking one.

COURTALL

Come, you do but jest, Freeman, a forsaken mistress could not be more malicious than thou art. Prithee be gone.

FREEMAN

Prithee do thou be gone.

COURTALL

'Sdeath! The sight of thee will scare my woman forever.

FREEMAN

'Sdeath! The sight of thee will make my woman believe me the falsest villain breathing.

COURTALL

We shall stand fooling till we are both undone, and I know not how to help it.

FREEMAN

Let us proceed honestly like friends, discover the truth of things to one another, and if we cannot reconcile our business we will draw cuts and part fairly.

COURTALL

I do not like that way, for talk is only allowable at the latter end of an intrigue and should never be used at the beginning of an amour for fear of frighting a young lady from her good intentions. Yet I care not, though I read the letter, but I will conceal the name.

FREEMAN

I have a letter too and am content to do the same.

COURTALL

(Reads.) Sir, in sending you this letter I proceed against the modesty of our sex—

FREEMAN

'Sdeath, this begins just like my letter!

COURTALL

Do you read on then?

FREEMAN

(Reads.) But let not the good opinion I have conceived of you, make you too severe in your censuring of me—

COURTALL

Word for word!

FREEMAN

Now do you read again.

COURTALL

(Reads.) If you give yourself the trouble to be walking in the new Spring Garden this evening I will meet you there and tell you a secret which I have reason to fear, because it comes to your knowledge by my means, will make you hate your humble servant.

FREEMAN

Verbatim my letter, heyday!

COURTALL

Prithee let’s compare the hands.

(They compare 'em.)

FREEMAN

'Sdeath, the hand's the same!

COURTALL

I hope the name is not the same too...

FREEMAN

If it be we are finely jilted, faith.

COURTALL

I long to be undeceived. Prithee do thou show first, Freeman.

FREEMAN

No, but both together, if you will.

COURTALL

Agreed.

FREEMAN

Ariana.

COURTALL

Gatty. Ha, ha, ha!

FREEMAN

The little rogues are masculine in their proceedings and have made one another confidents in their love.

COURTALL

But I do not like this altogether so well, Frank. I wish they had appointed us several places; for though 'tis evident they have trusted one another with the bargain, no woman ever seals before witness.

FREEMAN

Prithee, how didst thou escape the snares of the old devil this afternoon?

COURTALL

With much ado. Sentry had set me, if her ladyship had got me into her clutches there had been no getting off without a rescue or paying down the money, for she always arrests upon execution.

FREEMAN

You made a handsome lie to her woman.

COURTALL

For all this I know she's angry, for she thinks nothing a just excuse in these cases, though it were to save the forfeit of a man’s estate or reprieve the life of her own natural brother.

FREEMAN

Faith, thou hast not done altogether like a gentleman with her. Thou shouldst fast thyself up to a stomach now and then to oblige her. If there were nothing in it but the hearty welcome, methinks 'twere enough to make thee bear sometimes with the homeliness of the fare.

COURTALL

I know not what I might do in a camp where there were no other woman. But I shall hardly in this town, where there is such plenty, forbear good meat to get myself an appetite to horse flesh.

FREEMAN

This is rather an aversion in thee than any real fault in the woman. If this lucky business had not fallen out, I intended with your good leave to have out-bid you for her ladyship’s favor.

COURTALL

I should never have consented to that, Frank. Though I am a little resty at present I am not such a jade, but I should strain if another rid against me. I have e'er now liked nothing in a woman that I have loved at last in spite only because another had a mind to her.

FREEMAN

Yonder are a couple of vizards tripping towards us.

COURTALL

'Tis they, i'faith!

FREEMAN

We need not divide, since they come together.

COURTALL

I was a little afraid, when we compared letters, they had put a trick upon us; but now I am confirmed they are mighty honest.

(Enter Ariana and Gatty.)

ARIANA

[To Gatty] We cannot avoid 'em.

GATTY

[To Ariana] Let us dissemble our knowledge of their business a little, and then take 'em down in the height of their assurance.

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

Your servant, ladies.

ARIANA

I perceive it is as impossible, gentlemen, to walk without you as without our shadows: never were poor women so haunted by the ghosts of their self-murdered lovers.

GATTY

If it should be our good fortunes to have you in love with us, we will take care you shall not grow desperate and leave the world in an ill humor.

ARIANA

If you should, certainly your ghosts would be very malicious.

COURTALL

'Twere pity you should have your curtains drawn in the dead of the night and your pleasing slumbers interrupted by anything but flesh and blood, ladies.

FREEMAN

Shall we walk a turn?

ARIANA

By yourselves, if you please.

GATTY

Our company may put a constraint upon you. For I find you daily hover about these gardens as a kite does about a backside, watching an opportunity to catch up the poultry.

ARIANA

Woe be to the daughter or wife of some merchant tailor, or poor felt-maker now; for you seldom row to Fox Hall without some such plot against the city.

FREEMAN

You wrong us, ladies, our business has happily succeeded since we have the honor to wait upon you.

GATTY

You could not expect to see us here.

COURTALL

Your true lover, madam, when he misses his mistress is as restless as a spaniel that has lost his master. He ranges up and down the plays, the park, and all the gardens, and never stays long but where he has the happiness to see her.

GATTY

I suppose your mistress, Mr Courtall, is always the last woman you are acquainted with.

COURTALL

Do not think, madam, I have that false measure of my acquaintance which poets have of their verses, always to think the last best, though I esteem you so in justice to your merit.

GATTY

Or if you do not love her best, you always love to talk of her most. As a barren coxcomb that wants discourse is ever entertaining company out of the last book he read in.

COURTALL

Now you accuse me most unjustly, madam. Who the devil, that has common sense will go a birding with a clack in his cap?

ARIANA

Nay, we do not blame you, gentlemen, everyone in their way: a huntsman talks of his dogs, a falconer of his hawks, a jockey of his horse, and a gallant of his mistress.

GATTY

Without the allowance of this vanity, an amour would soon grow as dull as matrimony.

COURTALL

Whatsoever you say, ladies, I cannot believe you think us men of such abominable principles.

FREEMAN

For my part, I have ever held it as ingrateful to boast of the favors of a mistress as to deny the courtesies of a friend.

COURTALL

A friend that bravely ventures his life in the field to serve me deserves but equally with a mistress that kindly exposes her honor to oblige me, especially when she does it as generously too, and with as little ceremony.

FREEMAN

And I would no more betray the honor of such a woman than I would the life of a man that should rob on purpose to supply me.

GATTY

We believe you men of honor, and know it is below you to talk of any woman that deserves it.

ARIANA

You are so generous you seldom insult after a victory.

GATTY

And so vain that you always triumph before it.

COURTALL

'Sdeath! What's the meaning of all this?

GATTY

Though you find us so kind, Mr Courtall, pray do not tell Mrs Gazette tomorrow that we came hither on purpose this evening to meet you.

COURTALL

I would as soon print it and fee a fellow to post it up with the playbills.

GATTY

You have reposed a great deal of confidence in her, for all you pretend this ill opinion of her secrecy now.

COURTALL

I never trusted her with the name of a mistress that I should be jealous of if I saw her receive fruit and go out of the playhouse with a stranger.

GATTY

For ought as I see we are infinitely obliged to you, sir.

COURTALL

'Tis impossible to be insensible of so much goodness, madam.

GATTY

What goodness, pray, sir?

COURTALL

Come, come, give over this raillery.

GATTY

You are so ridiculously unworthy that 'twere a folly to reprove you with a serious look.

COURTALL

On my conscience, your heart begins to fail you now we are coming to the point as a young fellow's that was never in the field before.

GATTY

You begin to amaze me.

COURTALL

Since you yourself sent the challenge, you must not in honor fly off now.

GATTY

Challenge! Oh heavens! This confirms all: were I a man, I would kill thee for the injuries thou hast already done me.

FREEMAN

(to Ariana) Let not your suspicion of my unkindness make you thus scrupulous. Was ever city ill-treated that surrendered without assault or summons?

ARIANA

Dear sister, what ill spirit brought us hither? I never met with so much impudence in my life.

COURTALL

Hey jilts! They are as good at it already as the old one, i'faith.

FREEMAN

Come, ladies, you have exercised your wit enough. You would not venture letters of such consequence for a jest only.

GATTY

Letters! Bless me, what will this come to?

COURTALL

To that none of us shall have cause to repent I hope, madam.

ARIANA

Let us fly 'em, sister: they are devils and not men, they could never be so malicious else.

(Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Your servant, cousins.

COURTALL

(Starting) Ho, my Lady Cockwood! My ears are grown an inch already!

ARIANA

[To Gatty] My lady! she'll think this an appointment, sister.

FREEMAN

[To Courtall] This is Madam Machiavel, I suspect, Courtall.

COURTALL

[To Freeman] Nay, 'tis her plot doubtless. Now am I as much out of countenance as I should be if Sir Oliver should take me making bold with her ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

Do not let me discompose you, I can walk alone, cousins.

GATTY

Are you so uncharitable, madam, to think we have any business with 'em?

ARIANA

It has been our ill fortune to meet 'em here, and nothing could be so lucky as your coming, madam, to free us from 'em.

GATTY

They have abused us in the grossest manner.

ARIANA

Counterfeited letters under our hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

Never trouble yourselves, cousins, I have heard this is a common practice with such unworthy men. Did they not threaten to divulge them and defame you to the world?

GATTY

We cannot believe they intend anything less, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Doubtless they had such a mean opinion of your wit and honor that they thought to fright you to a base compliance with their wicked purposes.

ARIANA

I hate the very sight of 'em.

GATTY

I could almost wish myself a disease to breathe infection upon 'em.

COURTALL

Very pretty! We have carried on our designs very luckily against these young ladies.

FREEMAN

We have lost their good opinion forever.

LADY COCKWOOD

I know not whether their folly or their impudence be greater; they are not worth your anger, they are only fit to be laughed at and despised.

COURTALL

A very fine old devil this!

LADY COCKWOOD

Mr Freeman, this is not like a gentleman, to affront a couple of young ladies thus. But I cannot blame you so much, you are in a manner a stranger to our family. But I wonder how that base man can look me in the face, considering how civilly he has been treated at our house.

COURTALL

The truth is, madam, I am a rascal, but I fear you have contributed to the making me so. Be not as unmerciful as the devil is to a poor sinner.

MRS SENTRY

Did you ever see the like? Never trust me, if he has not the confidence to make my virtuous lady accessory to his wickedness.

LADY COCKWOOD

Ay Sentry! ’Tis a miracle if my honor escapes, considering the access which his greatness with Sir Oliver has given him daily to me.

FREEMAN

Faith, ladies, we did not counterfeit these letters, we are abused as well as you.

COURTALL

I received mine from a porter at the King's Playhouse, and I will show it you that you may see if you know the hand.

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Sentry] Sentry, are you sure they never saw any of your writing?

COURTALL

'Sdeath! I am so discomposed I know not where I have put it.

MRS SENTRY

[To Lady Courtall] Oh madam! Now I remember myself, Mrs Gatty helped me once to indite a letter to my sweet-heart.

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Sentry] Forgetful wench! Then I am undone!

COURTALL

Oh, here it is... Hey, who's here?

(As he has the letter in hand, enter Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver and Rake-hell, all drunk, with Music.)

SIR JOSLIN, SIR OLIVER, RAKE-HELL AND MUSIC

(They sing.) She's no mistress of mine 142

That drinks not her wine,

Or frowns at my friends’ drinking motions;

If my heart thou would'st gain,

Drink thy bottle of champagne,

’Twill serve thee for paint and love potions.

SIR OLIVER

Who's here? Courtall! In my lady's company! I'll dispatch him presently! Help me, brother Jolly!

(He draws.)

LADY COCKWOOD

For heaven’s sake, Sir Oliver!

COURTALL

(Drawing) What do you mean, sir?

SIR OLIVER

I'll teach you more manners than to make your attempts on my lady, sir!

LADY COCKWOOD AND SENTRY

Oh! Murder! Murder!

(They shriek.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Save my dear Sir Oliver! oh, my dear Sir Oliver!

(The young ladies [Ariana, Gatty] shriek and run out; they all [Freeman, Sir Joslin, Rake-hell] draw to part 'em; they [Sir Oliver, Courtall] fight off the stage; she [Lady Cockwood] shrieks and runs out)

ACT FIVE

SCENE 1

(Sir Oliver's dining room)

(Enter Lady Cockwood, table, and carpet.)

LADY COCKWOOD

I did not think he had been so desperate in his drink. If they had kiled one another, I had then been revenged, and freed from all my fears... Enter Sentry. Sentry, your carelessness and forgetfulness some time or other will undo me! Had not Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin came so luckily into the garden, the letters had been discovered and my honor left to the mercy of a false man and two young fleering girls. Did you speak to Mr Freeman unperceived in the hurry?

MRS SENTRY

I did, madam, and he promised me to disengage himself as soon as possibly he could and wait upon your ladyship with all secrecy.

LADY COCKWOOD

I have some reason to believe him a man of honor.

MRS SENTRY

Methinks indeed his very look, madam, speaks him to be much more a gentleman than Mr Courtall. But I was unwilling before now to let your ladyship know my opinion for fear of offending your inclinations.

LADY COCKWOOD

I hope by his means to get these letters into my own hands and so prevent the inconveniencies they may bring upon my honor.

MRS SENTRY

I wonder, madam, what should be Sir Oliver's quarrel to Mr Courtall.

LADY COCKWOOD

You know how apt he is to be suspicious in his drink. ’Tis very likely he thought Mr Courtall betrayed him at the Bear today.

MRS SENTRY

Pray heaven he be not jealous of your ladyship, finding you abroad so unexpectedly. If he be, we shall have a sad hand of him when he comes home, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

I should have apprehended it much myself, Sentry, if his drunkenness had not unadvisedly engaged him in his quarrel. As soon as he grows a little sober I am sure his fear will bring him home and make him apply himself to me with all humility and kindness. For he is ever under hand fain to use my interest and discretion to make friends to compound these businesses or to get an order for the securing his person and his honor.

MRS SENTRY

I believe verily Mr Courtall would have been so rude to have killed him if Mr Freeman and the rest had not civilly interposed their weapons.

LADY COCKWOOD

Heavens forbid! Though he be a wicked man, I am obliged in duty to love him. Whither did my cousins go after we came home, Sentry?

MRS SENTRY

They are at the next door, madam, laughing and playing at Lantrelou with my old Lady Love-youth and her daughters.

LADY COCKWOOD

I hope they will not come home then to interrupt my affairs with Mr Freeman. (Knocking without). Hark, somebody knocks! It may be him, run down quickly.

MRS SENTRY

I fly, madam.

(Exit Sentry.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Now if he has a real inclination for my person I'll give him a handsome opportunity to reveal it.

(Enter Sentry and Freeman.)

FREEMAN

Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh Mr Freeman! This unlucky accident has robbed me of all my quiet. I am almost distracted with thinking of the danger Sir Oliver's dear life is in.

FREEMAN

You need not fear, madam, all things will be reconciled again tomorrow.

MRS SENTRY

You would not blame my lady's apprehensions, did you but know the tenderness of her affections.

LADY COCKWOOD

Mr Courtall is a false and merciless man.

FREEMAN

He has always owned a great respect for your ladyship, and I never heard him mention you with the least dishonor.

LADY COCKWOOD

He cannot without injuring the truth, heaven knows my innocence. I hope you did not let him know, sir, of your coming hither.

FREEMAN

I should never merit the happiness to wait upon you again had I so abused this extraordinary favor, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

If I have done anything unbeseeming my honor I hope you will be just, sir, and impute it to my fear. I know no man so proper to compose this unfortunate difference as yourself, and if a lady's tears and prayers have power to move you to compassion I know you will employ your utmost endeavor to preserve me and my dear Sir Oliver.

FREEMAN

Do not, madam, afflict yourself so much: I dare engage my life and his life and honor shall be both secure.

LADY COCKWOOD

You are truly noble, sir. I was so distracted with my fears that I cannot well remember how we parted at the Spring Garden.

FREEMAN

We all divided, madam. After your ladyship and the young ladies were gone together, Sir Oliver, Sir Joslin, and the company with them took one boat, and Mr Courtall and I another.

LADY COCKWOOD

Then I need not apprehend their meeting again tonight.

FREEMAN

You need not, madam. I left Mr Courtall in his chamber, wondering what should make Sir Oliver draw upon him and fretting and fuming about the trick that was put upon us with the letters today.

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh! I had almost forgot myself. I assure you, sir, those letters were sent by one that has no inclination to be an enemy of yours. (Knocking below). Somebody knocks. Exit Sentry. If it be Sir Oliver I am undone, he will hate me mortally if he does but suspect I use any secret means to hinder him from justifying his reputation honorably to the world.

(Enter Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Oh madam! Here is Mr Courtall below in the entry, discharging a coachman. I told him your ladyship was busy but he would not hear me and I find, do what I can, he will come up.

LADY COCKWOOD

I would not willingly suspect you, sir.

FREEMAN

I have deceived him, madam, in my coming hither and am as unwilling he should find me here as you can be.

LADY COCKWOOD

He will not believe my innocent business with you but will raise a new scandal on my honor and publish it to the whole town.

MRS SENTRY

Let him step into the closet, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Quick, sir, quick, I beseech you, I will send him away again immediately.

([Exit Freeman into the closet.] Enter Courtall.)

LADY COCKWOOD

Mr Courtall! Have you no sense of honor nor modesty left? After so many injuries to come into our house, and without my approbation rudely press upon my retirement thus?

COURTALL

Pray, madam, hear my business.

LADY COCKWOOD

Thy business is maliciously to pursue my ruin. Thou com’st with a base design to have Sir Oliver catch thee here and destroy the only happiness I have.

COURTALL

I come, madam, to beg your pardon for the fault I did unwillingly commit, and to know of you the reason of Sir Oliver's quarrel to me.

LADY COCKWOOD

Thy guilty conscience is able to tell thee that, vain and ungrateful man!

COURTALL

I am innocent, madam, of all things that may offend him. And I am sure, if you would but hear me, I should remove the justice of your quarrel too.

LADY COCKWOOD

You are mistaken, sir, if you think I am concerned for your going to the Spring Garden this evening. My quarrel is the same with Sir Oliver, and is so just that thou deserv’st to be poisoned for what thou hast done.

COURTALL

Pray, madam, let me know my fault.

LADY COCKWOOD

I blush to think upon’t. Sir Oliver, since we came from the Bear, has heard something thou hast said concerning me. But what it is I could not get him to discover. He told me 'twas enough for me to know he was satisfied of my innocence.

COURTALL

This is mere passion, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

This is the usual revenge of such base men as thou art, when they cannot compass their ends, with their venomous tongues to blast the honor of a lady.

COURTALL

This is a sudden alteration, madam. Within these few hours you had a kinder opinion of me.

LADY COCKWOOD

'Tis no wonder you brag of favors behind my back, that have the impudence to upbraid me with kindness to my face. Dost thou think I could ever have a good thought of thee, whom I have always found so treacherous in thy friendship to Sir Oliver?

((Knock at the door.))

(Enter Sentry.)

MRS SENTRY

Oh madam! Here is Sir Oliver come home!

LADY COCKWOOD

O heavens! I shall be believed guilty now and he will kill us both.

(He [Courtall] draws.)

COURTALL

I warrant you, madam, I'll defend your life.

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh! There will be murder, murder! For heaven’s sake, sir, hide yourself in some corner or other.

COURTALL

I'll step into that closet, madam.

MRS SENTRY

Hold, hold, sir, by no means! His pipes and his tobacco box lie there, and he always goes in to fetch 'em.

LADY COCKWOOD

Your malice will soon be at an end. Heaven knows what will be the fatal consequence of your being found here.

MRS SENTRY

Madam, let him creep under the table, the carpet is long enough to hide him.

LADY COCKWOOD

Have you good nature enough to save the life and reputation of a lady?

COURTALL

Anything to oblige you, madam.

(He goes under the table.)

LADY COCKWOOD

(Running to the closet [to Freeman]) Be sure you do not stir, sir, whatsoever happens.

COURTALL

Not unless he pulls me out by the ears.

MRS SENTRY

Good! He thinks my lady speaks to him.

(Enter Sir Oliver.)

LADY COCKWOOD

My dear Sir Oliver—

SIR OLIVER

I am unworthy of this kindness, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Nay, I intend to chide you for your naughtiness anon, but I cannot choose but hug thee and kiss thee a little first. I was afraid I should never have had thee alive within these arms again.

SIR OLIVER

Your goodness does so increase my shame I know not what to say, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Well, I am glad I have thee safe at home. I will lock thee up above in my chamber and will not so much as trust thee downstairs till there be an end of this quarrel.

SIR OLIVER

I was so little myself I knew not what I did, else I had not exposed my person to so much danger before thy face.

MRS SENTRY

'Twas cruelly done, sir, knowing the killing concerns my lady has for you.

LADY COCKWOOD

If Mr Courtall had killed thee I was resolved not to survive thee. But before I had died I would have dearly revenged thy murder.

SIR OLIVER

As soon as I had recollected myself a little I could not rest till I came home to give thee this satisfaction, that I will do nothing without thy advice and approbation, my dear. I know thy love makes thy life depend upon mine, and it is unreasonable I should upon my own rash head hazard that though it be for the justification of thy honor. [Knocks over a China orange on top of the table.] Ud’s me! I have let fall a China orange that was recommended to me for one of the best that came over this year. 'Slife, light the candle, Sentry, 'tis run under the table.

((Knock.))

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh, I am not well!

(Sentry takes up the candle, there is a great knocking at the door, she runs away with the candle.)

MRS SENTRY

Oh heaven! Who's that that knocks so hastily?

SIR OLIVER

Why, Sentry! Bring back the candle! Are you mad to leave us in the dark, and your lady not well? How is it, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

For heaven’s sake, run after her, Sir Oliver! Snatch the candle out of her hand and teach her more manners.

SIR OLIVER

I will, my dear.

([Exit Sir Oliver.])

LADY COCKWOOD

What shall I do? Was ever woman so unfortunate in the management of affairs!

COURTALL

What will become of me now?

LADY COCKWOOD

It must be so, I had better trust my honor to the mercy of them two than be betrayed to my husband.

COURTALL

Here, here, madam. What's to be done now?

LADY COCKWOOD

I will put you into the closet, sir.

COURTALL

He'll be coming in for his tobacco box and pipes.

LADY COCKWOOD

Never fear that, sir.

FREEMAN

Now shall I be discovered! Pox on your honorable intrigue, would I were safe at Gifford’s.

LADY COCKWOOD

Here, here, sir, this is the door: whatsoever you feel be not frighted, for should you make the least disturbance you will destroy the life and, what is more, the honor of an unfortunate lady.

COURTALL

So, so, if you have occasion to remove again make no ceremony, madam.

([Exit Courtall into the closet.] Enter Sir Oliver, Sentry, Ariana, Gatty.)

SIR OLIVER

Here is the candle. How dost thou, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

I could not imagine, Sentry, you had been so ill-bred to run away and leave your master and me in the dark!

MRS SENTRY

I thought there had been another candle upon the table, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

Good! You thought! You are always excusing of your carelessness. Such another misdemeanor—

SIR OLIVER

Prithee, my dear, forgive her.

LADY COCKWOOD

The truth is I ought not to be very angry with her at present, 'tis a good natured creature. She was so frighted for fear of thy being mischiefed in the Spring Garden that I verily believe she scarce knows what she does yet.

SIR OLIVER

Light the candle, Sentry, that I may look for my orange.

LADY COCKWOOD

You have been at my Lady Love-youth’s, cousins, I hear.

ARIANA

We have, madam.

GATTY

She charged us to remember her service to you.

SIR OLIVER

[Picks up the orange.] So, here it is, my dear, I brought it home on purpose for thee.

LADY COCKWOOD

'Tis a lovely orange indeed! Thank you, my dear. I am so discomposed with the fright I have had that I would fain be at rest.

SIR OLIVER

Get a candle, Sentry. Will you go to bed, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

With all my heart, Sir Oliver. ’Tis late, cousins, you had best retire to your chamber too.

GATTY

We shall not stay long here, madam.

SIR OLIVER

Come, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

Good night, cousins.

GATTY AND ARIANA

Your servant, madam.

(Exeunt Sir Oliver, Lady Cockwood, and Sentry.)

ARIANA

I cannot but think of those letters, sister.

GATTY

That is, you cannot but think of Mr Freeman, sister. I perceive he runs in thy head as much as a new gown uses to do in the country the night before 'tis expected from London.

ARIANA

You need not talk, for I am sure the losses of an unlucky gamester are not more his meditation than Mr Courtall is yours.

GATTY

He has made some slight impression on my memory, I confess. But I hope a night will wear him out again as it does the noise of a fiddle after dancing.

ARIANA

Love, like some stains, will wear out of itself, I know, but not in such a little time as you talk of, sister.

GATTY

It cannot last longer than the stain of a mulberry at most. The next season out that goes, and my heart cannot be long unfruitful, sure.

ARIANA

Well, I cannot believe they forged these letters. What should be their end?

GATTY

That you may easily guess at. But methinks they took a very improper way to compass it.

ARIANA

It looks more like the malice or jealousy of a woman than the design of two witty men.

GATTY

If this should prove a fetch of her ladyship’s now that is a-playing the loving hypocrite above with her dear Sir Oliver.

ARIANA

How unluckily we were interrupted when they were going to show us the hand!

GATTY

That might have discovered all. I have a small suspicion that there has been a little familiarity between her ladyship and Mr Courtall.

ARIANA

Our finding of 'em together in the Exchange, and several passages I observed at the Bear, have almost made me of the same opinion.

GATTY

Yet I would fain believe the continuance of it is more her desire than his inclination. That which makes me mistrust him most is her knowing we made 'em an appointment.

ARIANA

If she were jealous of Mr Courtall she would not be jealous of Mr Freeman too. They both pretend to have received letters.

GATTY

There is something in it more than we are able to imagine. Time will make it out, I hope, to the advantage of the gentlemen.

ARIANA

I would gladly have it so. For I believe, should they give us a just cause, we should find it a hard task to hate them.

GATTY

How I love the song I learnt th'other day, since I saw them in the Mulberry Garden!

((She sings.))

To little or no purpose I spent many days,

In ranging the park, th'Exchange and th' plays;

For ne'er in my rambles till now did I prove

So lucky to meet with the man I could love.

Oh! how I am pleased when I think on this man,

That I find I must love, let me do what I can!

How long I shall love him, I can no more tell,

Than had I a fever when I should be well.

My passion shall kill me before I will show it,

And yet I would give all the world he did know it;

But oh, how I sigh when I think should he woo me,

I cannot deny what I know would undo me!

ARIANA

Fye, sister, thou art so wanton.

GATTY

I hate to dissemble when I need not. ‘Twould look as affected in us to be reserved now w'are alone as for a player to maintain the character she acts in the tiring room.

ARIANA

Prithee sing a good song.

GATTY

Now art thou for a melancholy madrigal, composed by some amorous coxcomb who swears in all companies he loves his mistress so well that he would not do her the injury were she willing to grant him the favor, and it may be is sot enough to believe he would oblige her in keeping his oath too.

ARIANA

Well, I will reach thee thy guitar out of the closet to take thee off of this subject.

GATTY

I'd rather be a nun than a lover at thy rate. Devotion is not able to make me half so serious as love has made thee already.

(Ariana opens the closet, Courtall and Freeman come out.)

COURTALL

Ha, Freeman! Is this your business with a lawyer? Here's a new discovery, i'faith!

(They [Ariana and Gatty] shriek and run out.)

FREEMAN

Peace, man! I will satisfy your jealousy hereafter. Since we have made this lucky discovery, let us mind the present businesses.

(Courtall and Freeman catch the ladies and bring them back.)

COURTALL

Nay, ladies, now we have caught you there is no escaping till w'are come to a right understanding.

(Enter Lady Cockwood and Sir Oliver and Sentry.)

FREEMAN

Come, never blush, we are as loving as you can be for your hearts, I assure you.

COURTALL

Had it not been our good fortunes to have been concealed here, you would have had ill nature enough to dissemble with us at least a fortnight longer.

LADY COCKWOOD

What's the matter with you here? Are you mad, cousins? Bless me, Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman in our house at these unseasonable hours?

SIR OLIVER

Fetch me down my longsword, Sentry! I lay my life Courtall has been tempting the honor of the young ladies!

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh, my dear!

(She [Lady Cockwood] holds him [Sir Oliver].)

GATTY

We are almost scared out of our wits! My sister went to reach my guitar out of the closet and found 'em both shut up there.

LADY COCKWOOD

Come, come, this will not serve your turn. I am afraid you had a design secretly to convey 'em into your chamber! Well, I will have no more of these doings in my family, my dear. Sir Joslin shall remove these girls tomorrow.

FREEMAN

You injure the young ladies, madam. Their surprise shows their innocence.

COURTALL

If anybody be to blame it is Mr. Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

What mean you, sir? Heaven knows I know no more of their being here—

COURTALL

Nay, nay, Mrs Sentry, you need not be ashamed to own the doing of a couple of young gentlemen such a good office.

MRS SENTRY

Do not think to put your tricks upon me, sir.

COURTALL

Understanding by Mrs Sentry, madam, that these young ladies would very likely sit and talk in the dining room an hour before they went to bed of the accidents of the day, and being impatient to know whether that unlucky business which happened in the Spring Garden about the letters had quite destroyed our hopes of gaining their esteem, for a small sum of money Mr Freeman and I obtained the favor of her to shut us up where we might overhear 'em.

LADY COCKWOOD

Is this the truth, Sentry?

MRS SENTRY

I humbly beg your pardon, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

A lady's honour is not safe that keeps a servant so subject to corruption! I will turn her out of my service for this.

SIR OLIVER

Good! I was suspicious their businesses had been with my lady at first.

LADY COCKWOOD

Now will I be in charity with him again, for putting this off so handsomely.

SIR OLIVER

Hark you, my dear: shall I forbid Mr Courtall my house?

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh! By no means, my dear. I had forgot to tell thee since I acquainted thee with that business, I have been discoursing with my Lady Love-youth and she blamed me infinitely for letting thee know it and laughed exceedingly at me, believing Mr Courtall intended thee no injury and told me 'twas only a harmless gallantry which his French breeding has used him to.

SIR OLIVER

Faith, I am apt enough to believe it. For, on my conscience, he is a very honest fellow. Ned Courtall! How the devil came it about that thee and I fell to sa, sa, in the Spring Garden?

COURTALL

You are best able to resolve yourself that, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

Well, the devil take me if I had the least unkindness for thee. Prithee let us embrace and kiss, and be as good friends as ever we were, dear rogue!

COURTALL

I am so reasonable, Sir Oliver, that I will ask no other satisfaction for the injury you have done me.

FREEMAN

Here's the letter, madam.

ARIANA

Sister, look here, do you know this hand?

GATTY

'Tis Sentry’s!

LADY COCKWOOD

Oh heavens! I shall be ruined yet.

GATTY

She has been the contriver of all this mischief!

COURTALL

Nay, now you lay too much to her charge in this. She was but my lady's secretary, I assure you, she has discovered the whole plot to us.

MRS SENTRY

What does he mean?

LADY COCKWOOD

Will he betray me at last?

COURTALL

My lady being in her nature severely virtuous is, it seems, offended at the innocent freedom you take in rambling up and down by yourselves. Which made her, out of a tenderness to your reputations, counterfeit these letters in hopes to fright you to that reservedness which she approves of.

LADY COCKWOOD

This has almost redeemed my opinion of his honor.

GATTY

Pray, madam, what was it Mrs Gazette told you concerning us?

LADY COCKWOOD

Nothing, nothing, cousins. What I told you of Mr Courtall, was mere invention, the better to carry on my design for your good.

COURTALL

Freeman! Pray, what brought you hither?

FREEMAN

A kind summons from her ladyship.

COURTALL

Why did you conceal it from me?

FREEMAN

I was afraid thy peevish jealousy might have destroyed the design I had of getting an opportunity to clear ourselves to the young ladies.

COURTALL

Fortune has been our friend in that beyond expectation. (To the ladies) I hope, ladies, you are satisfied of our innocence now.

GATTY

Well, had you been found guilty of the letters we were resolved to have counterfeited two contracts under your hands and have suborned witnesses to swear 'em.

ARIANA

That had been a full revenge. For I know you would think it as great a scandal to be thought to have an inclination for marriage as we should to be believed willing to take our freedom without it.

COURTALL

The more probable thing, ladies, had been only to pretend a promise. We have now and then courage enough to venture so far for a valuable consideration.

GATTY

The truth is, such experienced gentlemen as you are seldom mortgage your persons without it be to redeem your estates.

COURTALL

'Tis a mercy we have 'scaped the mischief so long and are like to do penance only for our own sins. Most families are a wedding behind hand in the world, which makes so many young men fooled into wives to pay their father’s debts. All the happiness a gentleman can desire is to live at liberty till he be forced that way to pay his own.

FREEMAN

Ladies, you know we are not ignorant of the good intentions you have towards us. Pray, let us treat a little.

GATTY

I hope you are not in so desperate a condition as to have a good opinion of marriage, are you?

ARIANA

'Tis to as little purpose to treat with us of anything under that, as it is for those kind ladies that have obliged you with a valuable consideration to challenge the performance of your promise.

SIR OLIVER

Well, and how, my dear Ned, goes the business between you and these ladies? Are you like to drive a bargain?

COURTALL

Faith, Sir Oliver, we are about it.

SIR OLIVER

And cannot agree, I warrant you. They are for having you take a lease for life, and you are for being tenants at will, Ned, is it not so?

GATTY

These gentlemen have found it so convenient lying in lodgings they’ll hardly venture on the trouble of taking a house of their own.

COURTALL

A pretty country seat, madam, with a handsome parcel of land and other necessaries belonging to't, may tempt us. But for a town tenement that has but one poor conveniency we are resolved we'll never deal.

(A noise of music without .)

SIR OLIVER

Hark! My brother Jolly's come home!

ARIANA

Now, gentlemen, you had best look to yourselves and come to an agreement with us quickly. For I'll lay my life, my uncle has brought home a couple of fresh chapmen that will out-bid you.

(Enter Sir Joslin with music.)

SIR JOSLIN

Hey, boys!

((Dance and sings.))

A catch and a glass,

A fiddle and a lass,

What more would an honest man have?

Hang your temperate sot,

Who would seem what he's not;

’Tis I am wise, he's but grave.

What's here? Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

Oh man! Here has been the prettiest, the luckiest discovery on all sides! We are all good friends again.

SIR JOSLIN

Hark you, brother Cockwood, I have got Madam Rampant! Rake-hell and she are without.

SIR OLIVER

Oh, heavens! Dear brother Jolly, send her away immediately, my lady has such an aversion to a naughty woman that she will swound if she does but see her.

SIR JOSLIN

Faith, I was hard put to't, I wanted a lover; and rather than I would break my old wont I dressed up Rampant in a suit I bought off Rake-hell. Enter Rake-hell [and Rampant]. But since this good company's here, I'll send her away. My little Rake-hell, come hither. You see, here are two powerful rivals, therefore for fear of kicking or a worse disaster, take Rampant with you and be going quickly.

RAKE-HELL

Your humble servant, sir.

(Exit Rake-hell and Rampant.)

COURTALL

You may hereafter spare yourself this labor, Sir Joslin. Mr Freeman and I have vowed ourselves humble servants to these ladies.

FREEMAN

I hope we shall have your approbation, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

Nay, if you have a mind to commit matrimony, I'll send for a canonical sir shall dispatch you presently.

FREEMAN

You cannot do better.

COURTALL

What think you of taking us in the humor? Consideration may be your foe, ladies.

ARIANA

Come, gentlemen, I'll make you a fair proposition. Since you have made a discovery of our inclinations, my sister and I will be content to admit you in the quality of servants.

GATTY

And if after a month’s experience of your good behavior upon serious thoughts you have courage enough to engage further, we will accept of the challenge and believe you men of honor.

SIR JOSLIN

Well spoke, i'faith, girls! And is it a match, boys?

COURTALL

If the heart of man be not very deceitful, 'tis very likely it may be so.

FREEMAN

A month is a tedious time, and will be a dangerous trial of our resolutions. But I hope we shall not repent before marriage, whate'er we do after.

SIR JOSLIN

How stand matters between you and your lady, brother Cockwood? Is there peace on all sides?

SIR OLIVER

Perfect concord, man. I will tell thee all that has happened since I parted from thee when we are alone 'twill make thee laugh heartily. Never man was so happy in a virtuous and a loving lady!

SIR JOSLIN

Though I have led Sir Oliver astray this day or two, I hope you will not exclude me the act of oblivion, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

The nigh relation I have to you, and the respect I know Sir Oliver has for you, makes me forget all that has passed, sir. But pray be not the occasion of any new transgressions.

MRS SENTRY

[To Courtall] I hope, Mr Courtall, since my endeavors to serve you have ruined me in the opinion of my lady, you will intercede for a reconciliation.

COURTALL

[To Mrs Sentry] Most willingly, Mr. Sentry. [To Lady Cockwood] Faith, madam, since things have fallen out so luckily, you must needs receive your woman into favor again.

LADY COCKWOOD

Her crime is unpardonable, sir.

MRS SENTRY

Upon solemn protestations, madam, that the gentlemen’s intentions were honorable and having reason to believe the young ladies had no aversion to their inclinations, I was of opinion I should have been ill-natured if I had not assisted 'em in the removing those difficulties that delayed their happiness.

SIR OLIVER

Come, come, girl, confess how many guineas prevailed upon your easy nature.

MRS SENTRY

Ten, an't please you, sir.

SIR OLIVER

'Slife, a sum able to corrupt an honest man in office! Faith you must forgive her, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

If it be your pleasure, Sir Oliver, I cannot but be obedient.

MRS SENTRY

[To Lady Cockwood] If Sir Oliver, madam, should ask me to see this gold, all may be discovered yet.

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Mrs Sentry] If he does, I will give thee ten guineas out of my cabinet.

MRS SENTRY

[To Lady Cockwood] I shall take care to put him upon’t. ’Tis fit, that I who have bore all the blame, should have some reasonable reward for't.

COURTALL

[To Lady Cockwood] I hope, madam, you will not envy me the happiness I am to enjoy with your fair relation.

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Courtall] Your ingenuity and goodness, sir, have made a perfect atonement for you.

COURTALL

[To Lady Cockwood] Pray, madam, what was your business with Mr Freeman?

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Courtall] Only to oblige him to endeavor a reconciliation between you and Sir Oliver. For though I was resolved never to see your face again, it was death to me to think your life was in danger.

MRS SENTRY

What a miraculous come off is this, madam!

LADY COCKWOOD

[To Courtall] It has made me so truly sensible of those dangers to which an aspiring lady must daily expose her hono, that I am resolved to give over the great business of this town and hereafter modestly confine myself to the humble affairs of my own family.

COURTALL

[To Lady Cockwood] 'Tis a very pious resolution, madam, and the better to confirm you in it, pray entertain an able chaplain.

LADY COCKWOOD

Certainly Fortune was never before so unkind to the ambition of a lady!

SIR JOSLIN

Come, boys, faith we will have a dance before we go to bed. Sly-girl and Mad-cap, give me your hands, that I may give 'em to these gentlemen; a parson shall join you e'er long, and then you will have authority to dance to some purpose. Brother Cockwood, take out your lady, I am for Mr. Sentry. We'll foot it and side it, my pretty little miss, and when we are aweary, we'll lie down and kiss. Play away, boys!

(They dance.)

COURTALL

To Gatty Now shall I sleep as little without you as I should do with you. Madam, expectation makes me almost as restless as jealousy.

FREEMAN

[To Ariana] Faith, let us dispatch this business. Yet I never could find the pleasure of waiting for a dish of meat when a man was heartily hungry.

GATTY

Marrying in this heat would look as ill as fighting in your drink.

ARIANA

And be no more a proof of love, then th'other is of valor.

SIR JOSLIN

Never trouble your heads further. Since I perceive you are all agreed on the matter, let me alone to hasten the ceremony. Come, gentlemen, lead 'em to their chambers. Brother Cockwood, do you show the way with your lady. Ha, Mrs Sentry!

((Sings.))

I gave my love a green gown

I’th merry month of may

And down she fell as wantonly,

As a tumbler does at play.

Hey boys! Lead away, boys!

SIR OLIVER

Give me thy hand, my virtuous, my dear. Henceforwards may our mutual loves increase, and when we are a bed, we'll sign the peace.

(Exeunt omnes.)