Richard Brome

The Antipodes

Brome, Richard. <<The Antipodes>> [online] Edited by Richard Cave. Egham: Royal Holloway, University of London, 2010. Richard Brome Online. https://www.dhi.ac.uk/brome/viewTranscripts.jsp?play=AN&type=MOD&act=1

Joan Oleza Simó (Investigador principal) Richard Cave (Editor de la edición crítica) Amelang, David J. (Editor)

English · Verso · 1103 versos

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) License

https://playcode.fly.dev/plays/EMOTHE0472_TheAntipodes

Tiempo histórico: Siglo XVII

Bibliografía

Ediciones modernas

Haaker, Ann, ed. The Antipodes. Brome, Richard. London: Edward Arnold, 1967. Regents Renaissance Drama.
Kastan, David Scott ; Proudfoot, Richard, ed. The Antipodes. Brome, Richard. London, 2000. Globe Quartos.
Parr, Anthony, ed. Three Renaissance Travel Plays. Manchester: Manchester University Press, 1997. The Revels Plays.
The Antipodes. Brome, Richard. In: Cave, Richard, ed. Richard Brome Online. 2010. URL: https://www.dhi.ac.uk/brome

Bibliografía crítica

Ann Haaker. "The Plague, The Theatre, and the Poet". Renaissance Drama. 1968, 1, p. 283-306.
Appelbaum, Robert. "The imaginary imaginary voyage: Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Ed. Baccolini, Raffaella. Viaggi in utopia. Ravenna. Longo, 1996, p. 143-51.
Birkett, Audrey. "Actors, Audiences and Authors: The Competition for Control in Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Ed. Orford, Peter; Jones, Michael P.; Ketterer, Lizz; McEvillia, Joshua. "Divining Thoughts": Future Directions in Shakespeare Studies. Newcastle upon Tyne: Cambridge Scholars, 2007, p. 53-68.
Chiang, Hsiao-chen. "The Metadramatic Inner Play in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Sun Yat-sen Journal of Humanities. 2004, 19, p. 57-69.
Chiang, Hsiao-chen. "The Trope of an Upside Down World: Carnival and Menippean Satire in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Concentric: Literary and Cultural Studies. 2004, 30, 2, p. 55-72.
Efstathiou-Lavabre, Athéna. "Le Théâtre dans le théâtre: Permanence d'une structure baroque dans 'The Antipodes' (1638) de Richard Brome". Bulletin de la Société d'Etudes Anglo-Américaines des XVIIe et XVIIIe Siècles. 2002, 54, p. 27-43.
Eleanor Collins. "Richard Brome’s Contract and the Relationship of Dramatist to Company in the Early Modern Period". Early Theatre. 2007, 10, p. 116-128.
Estathiou-Lavabre, Athéna. "Advising the Actors in 'Hamlet' and 'The Antipodes' : Richard Brome, Shakespeare's Contemporary?". Actes des Congrès de la Société Française Shakespeare. In special issue, 20, p. 103-123.
Jowitt, Claire. "The Politics of Mandevillian Monsters in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Ed. Niayesh, Ladan. A Knight's Legacy: Mandeville and Mandevillian Lore in Early Modern England. Manchester: Manchester University Press, 2011, p. 195-212.
Kettnich, Karen. "'Now Mark That Fellow; He Speaks Extempore': Scripted Improvisation in 'The Antipodes'". Early Theatre: A Journal Associated with the Records of Early English Drama. 2007, 10, 2, p. 129-139.
Lebek, Karolina. "Reclaiming Wonder: Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes' and the Production of Comic Catharsis". Ed. Boryslawski, Rafal; Jajszczok, Justyna; Wolff, Jakub; Bemben, Alicja. Histories of Laughter and Laughter in History: HistoRisus. Newcastle upon Tyne: Cambridge Scholars, 2016, p. 155-172.
McEvilla, Joshua J. "The Original Salisbury Court Players of Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". Notes and Queries. 2012, 59 (257), 2, p. 168-171.
McInnis, David. "Therapeutic Travel in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". SEL: Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900. 2012, 52, 2, p. 447-469.
Myhill, Nova. "Wanton Females of All Sorts': Spectatorship in 'The Antipodes'". Early Theatre: A Journal Associated with the Records of Early English Drama. 2013, 16, 2, p. 121-142.
Ramalhete Gomes, Miguel. "Intended for the Stage: Performance Criticism in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes'". SEDERI: Yearbook of the Spanish and Portuguese Society for English Renaissance Studies. 2014, 24, p. 157-169.
Sanders, Julie. "The Politics of Escapism: Fantasies of Travel and Power in Richard Brome's 'The Antipodes' and Ben Jonson's The Alchemist". Ed. Sullivan, Ceri (ed. and introd.), White, Barbara. Writing and Fantasy. New York: Longman, 1999, p. 137-150.
Taylor, Miles. "The Permeable World: Travel and Carnival in 'The Antipodes'". Exemplaria: A Journal of Theory in Medieval and Renaissance Studies. 2007, 19, 3, p. 438-54.

Traducciones

Français

Brome, Richard. "Les Antipodes". Tra. Bitot, Michel. Ed. Cottegnies,Line; Laroque,François; Maguin, Jean-Marie. Théâtre élisabéthain. Vol. 2. Paris: Gallimard, 2009.

Note on this digital edition

Reproduced by kind permission of Professor Richard Cave. ©Royal Holloway, University of London

The Persons in the Play

Blaze A Herald Painter

Joyless An Old Country Gentleman

Hughball a doctor of physic

Barbara wife to Blaze

Martha wife to Peregrine

Letoy a fantastic lord

Quailpipe his curate

Peregrine son to Joyless

Diana wife to Joyless

Byplay A conceited servant to Letoy

Truelock a close friend to Letoy

who are actors in the byplay

All Three

All

Both

[Prologue]

([Enter the PROLOGUE.])

PROLOGUE

Opinion, which our author cannot court, 1

(For the dear daintiness of it) has of late

From the old way of plays possessed a sort

Only to run to those that carry state

In scene magnificent and language high,

And clothes worth all the rest, except the action.

And such are only good, those leaders cry;

And into that belief draw on a faction

That must despise all sportive, merry wit,

Because some such great play had none in it.

But it is known (peace to their memories!)

The poets late sublimèd from our age,

Who best could understand, and best devise

Works that must ever live upon the stage,

Did well approve, and lead this humble way,

Which we are bound to travel in tonight;

And, though it be not traced so well as they

Discovered it by true Phoebean light,

Pardon our just ambition yet that strive

To keep the weakest branch o’ th’ stage alive.

I mean the weakest in their great esteem,

That count all slight that’s under us or nigh;

And only those for worthy subjects deem,

Fetched or reached at (at least) from far or high,

When low and home-bred subjects have their use,

As well as those fetched from on high or far;

And ’tis as hard a labour for the muse

To move the earth as to dislodge a star.

See yet those glorious plays; and let their sight

Your admiration move; these, your delight.

([The PROLOGUE exits.])

ACT ONE

1.1

([Enter] BLAZE [and] JOYLESS.)

BLAZE

To me, and to the City, sir, you are welcome, 2

And so are all about you: we have long

Suffered in want of such fair company.

But now that time’s calamity has given way,

Thanks to high providence, to your kinder visits,

We are (like half-pined wretches, that have lain

Long on the planks of sorrow, strictly tied

To a forced abstinence, from the sight of friends)

The sweetlier filled with Joyless.

JOYLESS

Alas, I bring 3

Sorrow too much with me to fill one house,

In the sad number of my family.

BLAZE

Be comforted, good sir. My house, which now 4

You may be pleased to call your own, is large

Enough to hold you all; and for your sorrows,

You came to lose ’em; and I hope the means

Is readily at hand: the doctor’s coming,

Who, as by letters I advertised you,

Is the most promising man to cure your son

The kingdom yields; it will astonish you

To hear the marvels he hath done in cures

Of such distracted ones, as is your son,

And not so much by bodily physic (no!

He sends few recipes to th’ apothecaries)

As medicine of the mind, which he infuses

So skilfully, yet by familiar ways,

That it begets both wonder and delight

In his observers, while the stupid patient

Finds health at unawares.

JOYLESS

You speak well of him: 5

Yet I may fear, my son’s long-grown disease

Is such he hath not met with.

BLAZE

Then I’ll tell you, sir, 6

He cured a country gentleman that fell mad

For spending of his land before he sold it

(That is: ’twas sold to pay his debts). All went

That way, for a dead horse, as one would say!

He had not money left to buy his dinner

Upon that whole-sale day. This was a cause

Might make a gentleman mad, you’ll say; and him

It did, as mad as landless squire could be;

This doctor by his art removed his madness,

And mingled so much wit among his brains

That, by the over-flowing of it merely,

He gets and spends five-hundred pound a year now,

As merrily as any gentleman

In Derbyshire; I name no man. But this

Was pretty well, you’ll say.

JOYLESS

My son’s disease 7

Grows not that way.

BLAZE

There was a lady mad 8

(I name no lady) but stark mad she was,

As any in the country, city, or almost

In court could be.

JOYLESS

How fell she mad? 9

BLAZE

With study, 10

Tedious and painful study. And for what

Now, can you think?

JOYLESS

For painting, or new fashions. 11

I cannot think for the philosopher’s stone.

BLAZE

No, ’twas to find a way to love her husband, 12

Because she did not, and her friends rebuked her.

JOYLESS

Was that so hard to find, if she desired it? 13

BLAZE

She was seven years in search of it and could not, 14

Though she consumed his whole estate by it.

JOYLESS

’Twas he was mad then. 15

BLAZE

No: he was not born 16

With wit enough to lose. But mad was she

Until this doctor took her into cure,

And now she lies as lovingly on a flockbed

With her own knight, as she had done on down

With many others (but I name no parties).

Yet this was well, you’ll say.

JOYLESS

Would all were well! 17

BLAZE

Then, sir, of officers and men of place, 18

Whose senses were so numbed, they understood not

Bribes from due fees, and fell on praemunires,

He has cured divers that can now distinguish,

And know both when and how to take of both,

And grow most safely rich by’t. T’other day

He set the brains of an attorney right,

That were quite topsy-turvy overturned

In a pitch o’er the bar, so that (poor man)

For many moons he knew not whether he

Went on his heels or’s head, till he was brought

To this rare doctor; now he walk’st again,

As upright in his calling, as the boldest

Amongst ’em. This was well, you’ll say.

JOYLESS

’Tis much. 19

BLAZE

And then for horn-mad citizens, my neighbours, 20

He cures them by the dozens, and we live

As gently with our wives as rams with ewes.

JOYLESS

"We", do you say? Were you one of his patients? 21

BLAZE

’Slid, he has almost catched me! 22

([To JOYLESS])

No sir, no.

I name no parties, I! But wish you merry;

I strain to make you so, and could tell forty

Notable cures of his to pass the time

Until he comes.

JOYLESS

But pray, has he the art 23

To cure a husband’s jealousy?

BLAZE

’Sfoot! I am catched again. 24

JOYLESS

But still you name no party! Pray, how long, 25

Good Master Blaze, has this so famous doctor,

Whom you so well set out, been a professor?

BLAZE

Never in public, nor endures the name 26

Of doctor, though I call him so, but lives

With an odd lord in town, that looks like no lord.

My doctor goes more like a lord than he.

((Enter DOCTOR [Hughball].))

O welcome sir! I sent mine own wife for you:

Ha’ you brought her home again?

DOCTOR

She’s in your house, 27

With gentlewomen, who seem to lodge here.

BLAZE

Yes, sir: this gentleman's wife, and his son’s wife: 28

They all ail something, but his son (’tis thought)

Is falling into madness, and is brought

Up by his careful father to the town here

To be your patient. Speak with him about it.

DOCTOR

How do you find him, sir? Does his disease 29

Take him by fits, or is it constantly

And at all times the same?

JOYLESS

For the most part 30

It is only inclining still to worse,

As he grows more in days. By all the best

Conjectures we have met with in the country,

’Tis found a most deep melancholy.

DOCTOR

Of what years is he? 31

JOYLESS

Of five and twenty, sir. 32

DOCTOR

Was it born with him? Is it natural, 33

Or accidental? Have you or his mother

Been so at any time affected?

JOYLESS

Never. 34

Not she unto her grave; nor I, till then,

Knew what a sadness meant, though since I have

In my son’s sad condition, and some crosses

In my late marriage, which at further time

I may acquaint you with.

BLAZE

The old man’s jealous 35

Of his young wife! I find him by the question

He put me to erewhile.

DOCTOR

Is your son married? 36

JOYLESS

Divers years since; for we had hope a wife 37

Might have restrained his travelling thoughts, and so

Have been a means to cure him; but it failed us.

DOCTOR

What has he in his younger years been most 38

Addicted to? What study or what practice?

JOYLESS

You have now, sir, found the question, which I think 39

Will lead you to the ground of his distemper.

DOCTOR

That’s the next way to the cure. Come. Quickly, quickly. 40

JOYLESS

In tender years he always loved to read 41

Reports of travels and of voyages;

And when young boys like him would tire themselves

With sports and pastimes and restore their spirits

Again by meat and sleep, he would whole days

And nights (sometimes by stealth) be on such books

As might convey his fancy round the world.

DOCTOR

Very good. On. 42

JOYLESS

When he grew up towards twenty, 43

His mind was all on fire to be abroad;

Nothing but travel still was all his aim;

There was no voyage or foreign expedition

Be said to be in hand, but he made suit

To be made one in it. His mother and

Myself opposed him still in all, and strongly

Against his will, still held him in; and won

Him into marriage, hoping that would call

In his extravagant thoughts, but all prevailed not,

Nor stayed him (though at home) from travelling

So far beyond himself that now, too late,

I wish he had gone abroad to meet his fate.

DOCTOR

Well, sir, upon good terms I’ll undertake 44

Your son: let’s see him.

JOYLESS

Yet there’s more: his wife, sir. 45

DOCTOR

I’ll undertake her too. Is she mad too? 46

BLAZE

They’ll ha’ mad children then! 47

DOCTOR

Hold you your peace. 48

JOYLESS

Alas, the danger is they will have none: 49

He takes no joy in her; and she no comfort

In him: for though they have been three years wed,

They are yet ignorant of the marriage-bed.

DOCTOR

I shall find her the madder of the two then. 50

JOYLESS

Indeed, she’s full of passion, which she utters 51

By the effects, as diversely as several

Objects reflect upon her wand’ring fancy,

Sometimes in extreme weepings, and anon

In vehement laughter; now in sullen silence,

And presently in loudest exclamations.

DOCTOR

Come, let me see ’em, sir. I’ll undertake 52

Her too. Ha’ you any more? How does your wife?

JOYLESS

Some other time for her. 53

DOCTOR

I’ll undertake 54

Her too; and you yourself, sir, by your favour

And some few yellow spots which I perceive

About your temples, may require some counsel.

(Enter BARBARA.)

BLAZE

So, he has found him. 55

JOYLESS

But my son, my son, sir? 56

BLAZE

Now, Bab, what news? 57

BARBARA

There’s news too much within, 58

For any home-bred Christian understanding.

JOYLESS

How does my son? 59

BARBARA

He is in travail, sir. 60

JOYLESS

His fit’s upon him? 61

BARBARA

Yes. Pray, Doctor Hughball, 62

Play the man-midwife, and deliver him

Of his huge tympany of news: of monsters,

Pygmies, and giants, apes, and elephants,

Gryphons and crocodiles, men upon women

And women upon men, the strangest doings!

As far beyond all Christendom as ’tis to’t.

DOCTOR

How, how? 63

BARBARA

Beyond the moon and stars, I think, 64

Or Mount in Cornwall either.

BLAZE

How prettily like a fool she talks? 65

And she were not mine own wife, I could be

So taken with her.

DOCTOR

’Tis most wondrous strange. 66

BARBARA

He talks much of the kingdom of Cathaya, 67

Of one Great Khan, and goodman Prester John,

(Whate’er they be) and says that Khan’s a clown

Unto the John he speaks of. And that John

Dwells up almost at Paradise. But sure his mind

Is in a wilderness, for there he says

Are geese that have two heads apiece, and hens

That bear more wool upon their backs than sheep.

DOCTOR

O Mandeville! Let's to him. Lead the way, sir. 68

BARBARA

And men with heads like hounds. 69

DOCTOR

Enough, enough. 70

BARBARA

You’ll find enough within, I warrant ye. 71

([DOCTOR, BLAZE and JOYLESS exit.])

And here comes the poor mad gentleman’s wife,

(Ent[er] MAR[THA].)

Almost as mad as he: she haunts me all

About the house to impart something to me.

Poor heart, I guess her grief and pity her.

To keep a maidenhead three years after marriage

Under wed-lock and key! Insufferable! Monstrous!

It turns into a wolf within the flesh,

Not to be fed with chickens and tame pigeons.

I could wish maids be warned by’t not to marry

Before they have wit to lose their maiden-heads

For fear they match with men whose wits are past it.

What a sad look, and what a sigh was there!)

[To MARTHA] Sweet Mistress Joyless, how is’t with you now?

MARTHA

When I shall know, I’ll tell. Pray tell me first, 72

How long have you been married?

BARBARA

Now she is on it. 73

[To MARTHA] Three years, forsooth.

MARTHA

And truly so have I; 74

We shall agree I see.

BARBARA

If you’ll be merry. 75

MARTHA

No woman merrier, now I have met with one 76

Of my condition. Three years married, say you? Ha, ha, ha!

BARBARA

What ails she, trow? 77

MARTHA

Three years married. Ha, ha, ha. 78

BARBARA

Is that a laughing matter? 79

MARTHA

’Tis just my story. 80

And you have had no child; that’s still my story. Ha, ha, ha!

BARBARA

Nay, I have had two children. 81

MARTHA

Are you sure on’t? 82

Or does your husband only tell you so?

Take heed o’that, for husbands are deceitful.

BARBARA

But I am o’the surer side: I am sure 83

I groaned for mine and bore ’em, when at best

He but believes he got ’em.

MARTHA

Yet both he 84

And you may be deceived, for now I’ll tell you,

My husband told me, fac’d me down and stood on’t,

We had three sons, and all great travellers,

That one had shook the Great Turk by the beard.

I never saw ’em, nor am I such a fool

To think that children can be got and born,

Trained up to men, and then sent out to travel,

And the poor mother never know nor feel

Any such matter. There’s a dream indeed!

BARBARA

Now you speak reason, and ’tis nothing but 85

Your husband’s madness that would put that dream

Into you.

MARTHA

He may put dreams into me, but 86

He ne’er put child, nor any thing towards it yet,

To me to making.

(([She] weep[s].))

Something, sure, belongs

To such a work; for I am past a child

Myself to think they are found in parsley beds,

Strawberry banks or rosemary bushes, though

I must confess I have sought and searched such places,

Because I would fain have had one.

BARBARA

’Las, poor fool! 87

MARTHA

Pray tell me, for I think nobody hears us, 88

How came you by your babes? I cannot think

Your husband got them you.

BARBARA

Fool, did I say? 89

She is a witch, I think.

([To MARTHA])

Why not my husband?

Pray can you charge me with another man?

MARTHA

Nor with him neither. Be not angry, pray now. 90

For were I now to die, I cannot guess

What a man does in child-getting. I remember

A wanton maid once lay with me, and kissed

And clipped, and clapped me strangely, and then wished

That I had been a man to have got her with child.

What must I then ha’ done, or (good now, tell me)

What has your husband done to you?

BARBARA

Was ever 91

Such a poor piece of innocence! Three years married?

[To MARTHA] Does not your husband use to lie with you?

MARTHA

Yes, he does use to lie with me, but he does not 92

Lie with me to use me as he should, I fear,

Nor do I know to teach him. Will you tell me?

I’ll lie with you and practise, if you please.

Pray take me for a night or two: or take

My husband and instruct him. But one night.

Our country folks will say, you London wives

Do not lie every night with your own husbands.

BARBARA

Your country folks should have done well to ha’ sent 93

Some news by you; but I trust none told you there

We use to leave our fools to lie with madmen.

MARTHA

Nay, now again you’re angry. 94

BARBARA

No, not I, 95

But rather pity your simplicity.

Come, I’ll take charge and care of you.

MARTHA

I thank you. 96

BARBARA

And wage my skill, against my doctor’s art, 97

Sooner to ease you of these dangerous fits,

Than he shall rectify your husband’s wits.

([BARBARA exits, followed by MARTHA, who speaks as she leaves.])

MARTHA

Indeed, indeed, I thank you. 98

1.2

([Enter] LETOY [and] BLAZE.)

LETOY

Why brought’st thou not mine arms and pedigree 99

Home with thee, Blaze, mine honest herald’s painter?

BLAZE

I have not yet, my lord, but all’s in readiness, 100

According to the herald’s full directions.

LETOY

But has he gone to the root? Has he derived me 101

Ex origine, ab antiquo? Has he fetched me

Far enough, Blaze?

BLAZE

Full four descents beyond 102

The conquest, my good lord, and finds that one

Of your French ancestry came in with the Conqueror.

LETOY

Jeffrey Letoy, ’twas he from whom the English 103

Letoys have our descent; and here have took

Such footing, that we’ll never out while France

Is France, and England England,

And the sea passable to transport a fashion.

My ancestors and I have been beginners

Of all new fashions in the court of England

From before Primo Ricardi Secundi

Until this day.

BLAZE

I cannot think, my lord, 104

They’ll follow you in this though.

LETOY

Mark the end, 105

I am without a precedent for my humour.

But is it spread and talked of in the town?

BLAZE

It is, my lord, and laughed at by a many. 106

LETOY

I am more beholding to them than all the rest: 107

Their laughter makes me merry; others’ mirth,

And not mine own it is that feeds me, that

Battens me as poor men’s cost does usurers.

But tell me, Blaze, what say they of me, ha?

BLAZE

They say, my lord, you look more like a pedlar 108

Than like a lord, and live more like an emperor.

LETOY

Why there they ha’ me right. Let others shine 109

Abroad in cloth o’bodkin; my broadcloth

Pleases mine eye as well, my body better.

Besides, I’m sure ’tis paid for (to their envy).

I buy with ready money; and at home here

With as good meat, as much magnificence,

As costly pleasures, and as rare delights,

Can satisfy my appetite and senses,

As they with all their public shows and braveries.

They run at ring, and tilt ’gainst one another;

I and my men can play a match at football,

Wrestle a handsome fall, and pitch the bar

And crack the cudgels, and a pate sometimes.

’Twould do you good to see’t.

BLAZE

More than to feel’t. 110

LETOY

They hunt the deer, the hare, the fox, the otter, 111

Polecats or harlots, what they please, whilst I

And my mad grigs, my men, can run at base,

And breathe our selves at barley-break and dancing.

BLAZE

Yes, my lord, i’the country when you are there. 112

LETOY

And now I am here i’th’ city, sir, I hope 113

I please myself with more choice home delights,

Than most men of my rank.

BLAZE

I know, my lord, 114

Your house in substance is an amphitheatre

Of exercise and pleasure.

LETOY

Sir, I have 115

For exercises, fencing, dancing, vaulting,

And for delight, music of all best kinds;

Stage plays and masques are nightly my pastimes.

And all within myself: my own men are

My music, and my actors; I keep not

A man or boy but is of quality;

The worst can sing or play his part o’th’ viols,

And act his part too in a comedy,

For which I lay my bravery on their backs;

And where another lord undoes his followers,

I maintain mine like lords. And there’s my bravery.

(Hautboys. A service, as for dinner, passes over the stage, borne by many servitors, richly apparelled, doing honour to LETOY as they pass.)

([All exit])

Now tell me, Blaze, look these like pedlar’s men?

BLAZE

Rather an emperor’s, my lord. 116

LETOY

I tell thee, 117

These lads can act the emperors’ lives all over,

And Shakespeare’s chronicled historiesto boot,

And were that Caesar, or that English Earl

That loved a Play and Player so well, now living,

I would not be outvied in my delights.

BLAZE

My lord, ’tis well. 118

LETOY

I love the quality 119

Of playing, I; I love a play with all

My heart, a good one: and a player that’s

A good one too, withal. As for the Poets,

No men love them, I think, and therefore

I write all my plays myself, and make no doubt

Some of the court will follow

Me in that too. Let my fine lords

Talk o’ their horse-tricks and their jockeys, that

Can out-talk them. Let the gallants boast

Their May-games, play-games, and their mistresses;

I love a play in my plain clothes, I,

And laugh upon the actors in their brave ones.

((Ent[er] QUAILP[IPE].))

QUALPIPE

My lord, your dinner stays prepared. 120

LETOY

Well, well, 121

Be you as ready with your grace as I

Am for my meat, and all is well.

((QUAIL[PIPE exits].))

Blaze, we have rambled

From the main point this while: it seems by his letter,

My doctor's busy at thy house. I know who’s there,

Beside. Give him this ring. Tell him it wants

A finger. Farewell, good Blaze.

([LETOY exits.])

BLAZE

Tell him it wants a finger! My small wit 122

Already finds what finger it must fit.

([BLAZE exits.])

1.3

(Enter DOCTOR, PEREGRINE, [with] a book in his hand, JOYLESS [and] DIANA.)

DOCTOR

Sir, I applaud your noble disposition, 123

And even adore the spirit of travel in you,

And purpose to wait on it through the world,

In which I shall but tread again the steps

I heretofore have gone.

PEREGRINE

All the world o’er 124

Ha’ you been already?

DOCTOR

Over and under too. 125

PEREGRINE

In the Antipodes? 126

DOCTOR

Yes, through and through: 127

No isle nor angle in that nether world,

But I have made discovery of. Pray, sir, sit.

And, sir, be you attentive: I will warrant

His speedy cure without the help of Gallen,

Hippocrates, Avicen, or Dioscorides.

DIANA

A rare man! Husband, truly I like his person 128

As well as his rare skill.

JOYLESS

Into your chamber! 129

I do not like your liking of men’s persons.

DOCTOR

Nay, lady, you may stay. Hear and admire, 130

If you so please, but make no interruptions.

JOYLESS

And let no looser words, or wandering look 131

Bewray an intimation of the slight

Regard you bear your husband, lest I send you

Upon a further pilgrimage than he

Feigns to convey my son.

DIANA

Oh, jealousy! 132

DOCTOR

Do you think, sir, to th’ Antipodes such a journey? 133

PEREGRINE

I think there’s none beyond it; and that Mandeville, 134

Whose excellent work this is, was th’ only man

That e’er came near it.

DOCTOR

Mandeville went far. 135

PEREGRINE

Beyond all English legs that I can read of. 136

DOCTOR

What think you, sir, of Drake, our famous countryman? 137

PEREGRINE

Drake was a didapper to Mandeville. 138

Candish, and Hawkins, Frobisher, all our voyagers

Went short of Mandeville. But had he reached

To this place here—yes, here—this wilderness,

And seen the trees of the Sun and Moon, that speak,

And told King Alexander of his death, he then

Had left a passage ope for travellers,

That now is kept and guarded by wild beasts,

Dragons and serpents, elephants, white and blue,

Unicorns, and lions of many colours,

And monsters more as numberless as nameless.

DOCTOR

Stay there. 139

PEREGRINE

Read here else. Can you read? 140

Is it not true?

DOCTOR

No truer than I ha’ seen’t. 141

DIANA

Ha’ you been there, sir? Ha’ you seen those trees? 142

DOCTOR

And talked with ’em, and tasted of their fruit. 143

PEREGRINE

Read here again then: it is written here, 144

That you may live four or five hundred year.

DIANA

Brought you none of that fruit home with you, sir? 145

JOYLESS

You would have some of’t would you, to have hope 146

T’outlive your husband by’t.

DIANA

I’d ha’t for you, 147

In hope you might out-live your jealousy.

DOCTOR

Your patience both, I pray: I know the grief 148

You both do labour with, and how to cure it.

JOYLESS

Would I had given you half my land ’twere done. 149

DIANA

Would I had given him half my love to settle 150

The t’other half free from encumbrances

Upon my husband.

DOCTOR

Do not think it strange, sir: 151

I’ll make your eyes witnesses of more

Than I relate, if you’ll but travel with me.

You hear me not deny that all is true

That Mandeville delivers of his travels,

Yet I myself may be as well believed.

PEREGRINE

Since you speak reverently of him, say on. 152

DOCTOR

Of Europe I’ll not speak, ’tis too near home: 153

Who’s not familiar with the Spanish garb,

Th’ Italian shrug, French cringe,and German hug?

Nor will I trouble you with my observations

Fetched from Arabia, Paphlagonia,

Mesopotamia, Mauritania,

Syria, Thessalia, Persia, India,

All still is too near home, though I have touched

The clouds upon the Pyrenean mountains,

And been on Paphos isle, where I have kissed

The image of bright Venus. All is still

Too near home to be boasted.

DIANA

That I like 154

Well in him too, he will not boast of kissing

A woman too near home.

DOCTOR

These things in me 155

Are poor: they sound in a far traveller’s ear

Like the reports of those that beggingly

Have put out , on returns from Edinburgh,

Paris, or Venice, or perhaps Madrid,

Whither a milliner may with half a nose

Smell out his way; and is not near so difficult,

As for some man in debt, and unprotected,

To walk from Charing Cross to th’ old Exchange.

No, I will pitch no nearer than th’ Antipodes,

That which is farthest distant, foot to foot

Against our region.

DIANA

What with their heels upwards? 156

Bless us! How ’scape they breaking o’ their necks?

DOCTOR

They walk upon firm earth, as we do here, 157

And have the firmament over their heads,

As we have here.

DIANA

And yet just under us! 158

Where is hell then? If they whose feet are towards us

At the lower part of the world have heaven too

Beyond their heads, where’s hell?

JOYLESS

You may find that 159

Without inquiry. Cease your idle questions.

DIANA

Sure hell’s above ground then in jealous husbands. 160

PEREGRINE

What people, sir, (I pray proceed) what people 161

Are they of the Antipodes? Are they not such

As Mandeville writes of, without heads or necks,

Having their eyes placed on their shoulders, and

Their mouths amidst their breasts?

DIANA

Ay, so indeed; 162

Though heels go upwards an their feet should slip,

They have no necks to break.

DOCTOR

Silence, sweet Lady. 163

Pray give the gentleman leave to understand me.

The people through the whole world of Antipodes,

In outward feature, language, and religion,

Resemble those to whom they are supposite:

They under Spain appear like Spaniards,

Under France, French men, under England, English,

To the exterior show: but in their manners,

Their carriage and condition of life,

Extremely contrary. To come close to you:

What part o’ th’ world’s Antipodes shall I now

Decipher to you, or would you travel to?

PEREGRINE

The furthest off. 164

DOCTOR

That is the Antipodes of England. 165

The people there are contrary to us.

As thus: here (heaven be praised!) the magistrates

Govern the people; there the people rule

The magistrates.

DIANA

There’s precious bribing then. 166

JOYLESS

You’ll hold your peace. 167

DOCTOR

Nay, lady, ’tis by nature, 168

Here generally men govern the women.

JOYLESS

I would they could else! 169

DIANA

You will hold your peace. 170

DOCTOR

But there the women over-rule the men. 171

If some men fail here in their power, some women

Slip their holds there. As parents here and masters

Command, there they obey the child and servant.

DIANA

But pray, sir, is’t by nature or by art 172

That wives o’ersway their husbands there?

DOCTOR

By nature. 173

DIANA

Then art’s above nature, as they are under us. 174

DOCTOR

In brief, sir, all 175

Degrees of people, both in sex and quality,

Deport themselves in life and conversation

Quite contrary to us.

DIANA

Why then the women 176

Do get the men with child, and put the poor fools

To grievous pain, I warrant you, in bearing.

JOYLESS

Into your chamber! Get you in, I charge you. 177

DOCTOR

By no means, as you tender your son’s good. 178

No, lady, no: that were to make men women,

And women men. But there the maids do woo

The bachelors and, ’tis most probable,

The wives lie uppermost.

DIANA

That is a trim 179

Upside-down Antipodian trick indeed.

DOCTOR

And then at christenings and gossips’ feasts, 180

A woman is not seen, the men do all

The tittle-tattle duties, while the women

Hunt, hawk and take their pleasure.

PEREGRINE

Ha’ they good game, I pray, sir? 181

DOCTOR

Excellent; 182

But by the contraries to ours, for where

We hawk at pheasant, partridge, mallard, heron,

With goshawk, tercel, falcon, laneret,

Our hawks become their game, our game their hawks,

And so the like in hunting. There the deer

Pursue the hounds, and (which you may think strange)

I ha’ seen one sheep worry a dozen foxes.

By moonshine, in a morning before day,

They hunt train-scents with oxen, and plough with dogs.

PEREGRINE

[Laughs] Hugh, hugh, hugh! 183

DIANA

Are not their swans all black and ravens white? 184

DOCTOR

Yes, indeed are they; and their parrots teach 185

Their mistresses to talk.

DIANA

That’s very strange. 186

DOCTOR

They keep their cats in cages 187

From mice that would devour them else; and birds

Teach ’em to whistle and cry "Beware the rats, Puss".

But these are frivolous nothings. I have known

Great ladies ride great horses, run at tilt,

At ring, races, and hunting matches, while

Their lords at home have painted, pawned their plate

And jewels to feast their honourable servants,

And there the merchants’ wives do deal abroad

Beyond seas, while their husbands cuckold them

At home.

DIANA

Then there are cuckolds too, it seems, 188

As well as here.

JOYLESS

Then you conclude here are. 189

DIANA

By hearsay, sir, I am not wise enough 190

To speak it on my knowledge yet.

JOYLESS

Not yet! 191

DOCTOR

Patience, good sir. 192

PEREGRINE

[Laughs] Hugh, hugh, hugh! 193

DOCTOR

What, do you laugh that there is cuckold-making 194

In the Antipodes? I tell you, sir,

It is not so abhorred here as ’tis held

In reputation there: all your old men

Do marry girls, and old women boys,

As generation were to be maintained

Only by cuckold-making.

JOYLESS

Monstrous! 195

DOCTOR

Pray, your patience. 196

There’s no such honest men there in their world,

As are their lawyers: they give away

Their practice, and t’enable ’em to do so,

Being all handicrafts, or labouring men,

They work (poor hearts, full hard) in the vacations

To give their law for nothing in the term times.

No fees are taken, which makes their divines,

Being generally covetous, the greatest wranglers

In lawsuits of a kingdom. You have not there

A gentleman in debt, though citizens

Haunt them with cap in hand to take their wares

On credit.

DIANA

What fine sport would that be here now! 197

DOCTOR

All wit and mirth and good society 198

Is there among the hirelings, clowns and tradesmen,

And all their poets are puritans.

DIANA

Ha' they poets? 199

DOCTOR

And players too. But they are all the soberest 200

Precisest people picked out of a nation.

DIANA

I never saw a play. 201

DOCTOR

Lady, you shall. 202

JOYLESS

She shall not. 203

DOCTOR

She must, if you can hope for any cure. 204

Be governed, sir: your jealousy will grow

A worse disease than your son’s madness else.

You are content I take the course I told you of

To cure the gentleman?

JOYLESS

I must be, sir. 205

DOCTOR

Say, Master Peregrine, will you travel now 206

With me to the Antipodes, or has not

The journey wearied you in the description?

PEREGRINE

No, I could hear you a whole fortnight, but 207

Let’s lose no time. Pray talk on as we pass.

((A bowl on the table.))

DOCTOR

First, sir, a health to auspicate our travels, 208

And we’ll away.

([Doctor offers bowl of wine to PEREGRINE])

PEREGRINE

Gi’ me’t. 209

((Ent[er] BLA[ZE]))

What’s he? One sent

I fear, from my dead mother to make stop

Of our intended voyage.

DOCTOR

No sir: drink. 210

BLAZE

My lord, sir, understands the course you’re in, 211

By your letters, he tells me; and bad me gi’ you

This ring, which wants a finger here, he says.

PEREGRINE

We’ll not be stayed? 212

DOCTOR

No, sir, he brings me word 213

The mariner calls away; the wind and tide

Are fair, and they are ready to weigh anchor,

Hoist sails, and only stay for us. Pray drink, sir.

PEREGRINE

A health then to the willing winds and seas 214

And all that steer towards th’ Antipodes.

([He drinks the wine])

JOYLESS

He has not drunk so deep a draught this twelvemonth. 215

DOCTOR

’Tis a deep draught indeed; and now ’tis down, 216

And carries him down to the Antipodes?

I mean but in a dream.

JOYLESS

Alas, I fear! 217

See, he begins to sink.

DOCTOR

Trust to my skill. 218

Pray take an arm, and see him in his cabin.

Good lady, save my ring that’s fallen there.

DIANA

In sooth, a marvellous neat and costly one! 219

BLAZE

So, so, the ring has found a finger. 220

DOCTOR

Come sir, aboard, aboard, aboard, aboard. 221

([DOCTOR and JOYLESS exit with PEREGRINE, while DIANA follows at a distance.])

BLAZE

To bed, to bed, to bed! I know your voyage, 222

And my dear lord’s dear plot I understand,

Whose ring hath past here by your sleight of hand.

([BLAZE exits.])

ACT TWO

2.1

([Enter] LETOY [and] DOCTOR.)

[LETOY]

Tonight, sayest thou, my Hughball? 223

DOCTOR

By all means; 224

And if your play takes to my expectation,

As I not doubt my potion works to yours,

Your fancy and my cure shall be cried up

Miraculous. Oh, you’re the lord of fancy.

LETOY

I’m not ambitious of that title, sir. 225

No, the Letoys are of antiquity,

Ages before the fancies were begot,

And shall beget still new to the world’s ends.

But are you confident o’your potion, doctor?

Sleeps the young man?

DOCTOR

Yes, and has slept these twelve hours 226

After a thousand mile an hour outright

By sea and land; and shall awake anon

In the Antipodes.

LETOY

Well, sir, my actors 227

Are all in readiness; and, I think, all perfect

But one that never will be perfect in a thing

He studies; yet he makes such shifts extempore,

(Knowing the purpose what he is to speak to)

That he moves mirth in me ’bove all the rest.

For I am none of those poetic furies,

That threats the actor’s life in a whole play,

That adds a syllable or takes away.

If he can fribble through, and move delight

In others, I am pleased.

DOCTOR

It is that mimic fellow, which your lordship 228

But lately entertained.

LETOY

The same. 229

DOCTOR

He will be wondrous apt in my affair: 230

For I must take occasion to interchange

Discourse with him sometimes amidst their scenes,

T’inform my patient, my mad young traveller,

In diverse matters.

LETOY

Do. Put him to’t: I use’t myself sometimes. 231

DOCTOR

I know it is your way. 232

LETOY

Well, to the business. 233

Hast wrought the jealous gentleman, old Joyless,

To suffer his wife to see our comedy?

DOCTOR

She brings your ring, my lord, upon her finger, 234

And he brings her in’s hand. I have instructed her

To spur his jealousy off o’ the legs.

LETOY

And I will help her in’t. 235

DOCTOR

The young distracted 236

Gentle waiting woman too that’s sick of her virginity,

Yet knows not what it is; and Blaze and’s wife

Shall all be your guests tonight, and not alone

Spectators, but (as we will carry it) actors

To fill your comic scenes with double mirth.

LETOY

Go fetch ’em then, while I prepare my actors. 237

((DOC[TOR] ex[its].))

Within there ho!

[within] This is my beard and hair. 238

[within] My lord appointed it for my part. 239

[within] No: 240

This is for you; and this is yours, this grey one.

[within] Where be the foils and targets for the women? 241

[within] Here, can’t you see? 242

LETOY

What a rude coil is there! 243

But yet it pleases me.

[within] You must not wear 244

That cloak and hat.

[within] Who told you so? I must 245

In my first scene, and you must wear that robe.

LETOY

What a noise make those knaves? Come in one of you. 246

((Enter QUAILPIPE, [three] actors and BYPLAY.))

Are you the first that answers to that name?

QUALPIPE

My lord. 247

LETOY

Why are not you ready yet? 248

QUALPIPE

I am not to put on my shape before 249

I have spoke the prologue. And for that my lord

I yet want something.

LETOY

What, I pray, with your grave formality? 250

QUALPIPE

I want my beaver shoes and leather cap 251

To speak the prologue in; which were appointed

By your lordship's own direction.

LETOY

Well, sir, well: 252

([He fetches them.])

There they be for you; I must look to all.

QUALPIPE

Certes, my lord, it is a most apt conceit: 253

The comedy being the world turned upside-down

That the presenter wear the capital beaver

Upon his feet, and on his head shoe leather.

LETOY

Trouble not you your head with my conceit, 254

But mind your part. Let me not see you act now

In your scholastic way you brought to town wi’ye,

With seesaw sack-a-down, like a sawyer;

Nor in a comic scene play Hercules Furens ,

Tearing your throat to split the audients’ ears.

And you, sir, you had got a trick of late,

Of holding out your bum in a set speech,

Your fingers fibulating on your breast,

As if your buttons or your band-strings were

Helps to your memory. Let me see you in’t

No more I charge you. No, nor you, sir, in

That over-action of the legs I told you of:

Your singles and your doubles, look you, thus――

Like one o'th' dancing masters o’the Bear-garden;

And when you have spoke, at end of every speech,

Not minding the reply, you turn you round

As tumblers do; when betwixt every feat

They gather wind by firking up their breeches.

I’ll none of these absurdities in my house,

But words and action married so together,

That shall strike harmony in the ears and eyes

Of the severest, if judicious, critics.

QUALPIPE

My lord, we are corrected. 255

LETOY

Go, be ready. 256

([QUAILPIPE and the three actors exit, leaving BYPLAY.])

But you, sir, are incorrigible and

Take licence to yourself to add unto

Your parts your own free fancy; and sometimes

To alter or diminish what the writer

With care and skill composed: and when you are

To speak to your co-actors in the scene,

You hold interlocutions with the audients.

BYPLAY

That is a way, my lord, has been allowed 257

On elder stages to move mirth and laughter.

LETOY

Yes in the days of Tarlton and Kemp 258

Before the stage was purged from barbarism

And brought to the perfection it now shines with.

Then fools and jesters spent their wits because

The poets were wise enough to save their own

For profitabler uses. Let that pass.

Tonight I’ll give thee leave to try thy wit

In answering my doctor and his patient

He brings along with him to our Antipodes.

BYPLAY

I heard of him, my lord. Blaze gave me light 259

Of the mad patient, and that he never saw

A play in’s life. It will be possible

For him to think he is in the Antipodes

Indeed, when he is on the stage among us,

When’t has been thought by some that have their wits

That all the players i’ th’ town were sunk past rising.

LETOY

Leave that, sir, to th’ event. See all be ready: 260

Your music, properties, and――

BYPLAY

All, my lord. 261

Only we want a person for a mute.

LETOY

Blaze, when he comes, shall serve. Go in. 262

((BYP[LAY] ex[its].))

My guests, I hear, are coming.

(Enter BLAZE, JOYLESS, DIANA, MARTHA, BARB[ARA].)

BLAZE

My lord, I am become your honour’s usher 263

To these your guests. The worthy Master Joyless

With his fair wife and daughter-in-law.

LETOY

They’re welcome, 264

And you in the first place, sweet Mistress Joyless.

You wear my ring, I see; you grace me in it.

JOYLESS

His ring! What ring? How came she by’t? 265

BLAZE

’Twill work. 266

LETOY

I sent it as a pledge of my affection to you, 267

For I before have seen you and do languish

Until I shall enjoy your love.

JOYLESS

He courts her. 268

LETOY

Next, lady―you―I have a toy for you too. 269

MARTHA

My child shall thank you for it, when I have one. 270

I take no joy in toys since I was married.

LETOY

Prettily answered! I make you no stranger, 271

Kind Mistress Blaze.

BARBARA

Time was your honour used 272

Me strangely too, as you’ll do these, I doubt not.

LETOY

Honest Blaze, 273

Prithee go in; there is an actor wanting.

BLAZE

Is there a part for me? How shall I study't? 274

LETOY

Thou shalt say nothing. 275

BLAZE

Then if I do not act 276

Nothing as well as the best of ’em, let me be hissed.

([BLAZE] exit[s] .)

JOYLESS

I say restore the ring, and back with me. 277

DIANA

To whom shall I restore it? 278

JOYLESS

To the lord that sent it. 279

DIANA

Is he a lord? I always thought and heard 280

I’th’ country, lords were gallant creatures. He

Looks like a thing not worth it. ’Tis not his.

The doctor gave it me, and I will keep it.

LETOY

I use small verbal courtesy Master Joyless, 281

You see, but what I can in deed, I’ll do.

You know the purpose of your coming, and

I can but give you welcome. If your son

Shall receive ease in’t, be the comfort yours,

The credit of’t my doctor’s. You are sad.

JOYLESS

My lord, I would entreat we may return; 282

I fear my wife’s not well.

LETOY

Return! Pray slight not so my courtesy. 283

DIANA

Besides, sir, I am well; and have a mind 284

(A thankful one) to taste my lord’s free bounty.

I never saw a play, and would be loath

To lose my longing now.

JOYLESS

The air of London 285

Hath tainted her obedience already;

And should the play but touch the vices of it,

She’d learn and practise ’em.

([Aloud])

Let me beseech

Your lordship’s reacceptance of the un-

Merited favour that she wears here, and

Your leave for our departure.

LETOY

I will not 286

Be so dishonoured; nor become so ill

A master of my house to let a lady

Leave it against her will, and from her longing.

I will be plain wi’ye therefore: if your haste

Must needs post you away, you may depart;

She shall not, not till the morning, for mine honour.

JOYLESS

Indeed ’tis a high point of honour in 287

A lord to keep a private gentleman’s wife

From him.

DIANA

I love this plain lord better than 288

All the brave gallant ones that e’er I dreamt on.

LETOY

’Tis time we take our seats. So: if you’ll stay, 289

Come sit with us; if not, you know your way.

JOYLESS

Here are we fallen through the doctor’s fingers 290

Into the lord’s hands. Fate deliver us.

([All exit.])

2.2

(Enter in sea-gowns and caps, DOCTOR and PEREGRINE [who is] brought in a chair by two sailors; cloaks and hats brought in.)

DOCTOR

Now the last minute of his sleeping fit 291

Determines. Raise him on his feet. So, so.

Rest him upon mine arm. Remove that chair.

Welcome ashore, sir, in th’ Antipodes.

PEREGRINE

Are we arrived so far? 292

DOCTOR

And on firm land. 293

Sailors, you may return now to your ship.Sail[ors] ex[it].

PEREGRINE

What worlds of lands and seas have I passed over, 294

Neglecting to set down my observations!

A thousand thousand things remarkable

Have slipped my memory, as if all had been

Mere shadowy phantasms or fantastic dreams.

DOCTOR

We’ll write as we return, sir; and ’tis true, 295

You slept most part o’ th’ journey hitherward,

The air was so somniferous; and ’twas well

You ’scaped the calenture by’t.

PEREGRINE

But how long do 296

You think I slept?

DOCTOR

Eight months and some odd days, 297

Which was but as so many hours and minutes

Of one’s own natural country sleep.

PEREGRINE

Eight months―――― 298

DOCTOR

’Twas nothing for so young a brain. 299

How think you one of the seven Christian champions,

David by name, slept seven years in a leek-bed.

PEREGRINE

I think I have read it in their famous history. 300

DOCTOR

But what chief thing of note now in our travels 301

Can you call presently to mind? Speak like a traveller.

PEREGRINE

I do remember, as we past the verge 302

O’ th’ upper world, coming down, down-hill,

The setting sun then bidding them good night,

Came gliding easily down by us and struck

New day before us, lighting us our way;

But with such heat that, till he was got far

Before us, we even melted.

DOCTOR

Well-wrought potion! 303

([Aloud])

Very well observed, sir.

But now we are come into a temperate clime,

Of equal composition of elements

With that of London, and as well agreeable

Unto our nature, as you have found that air.

PEREGRINE

I never was at London. 304

DOCTOR

Cry you mercy. 305

This, sir, is Anti-London. That’s th’ Antipodes

To the grand city of our nation,

Just the same people, language, and religion,

But contrary in manners, as I ha’ told you.

PEREGRINE

I do remember that relation, 306

As if you had but given it me this morning.

DOCTOR

Now cast your sea weeds off, and don fresh garments. 307

Hark, sir, their music.

(Shift)

(Hautboys. Enter LETOY, JOYLESS, DIANA, MARTHA, [and] BARBARA in masks; they sit at the other end of the stage.)

LETOY

Here we may sit, and he not see us. 308

DOCTOR

Now see one of the natives of this country. 309

Note his attire, his language and behaviour.

(Enter QUAILPIPE [as] PROLOGUE.)

QUALPIPE

Our far-fetched title over lands and seas, 310

Offers unto your view th’ Antipodes.

But what Antipodes now shall you see?

Even those that foot to foot ’gainst London be,

Because no traveller that knows that state

Shall say we personate or imitate

Them in our actions; for nothing can

Almost be spoke, but some or other man

Takes it unto himself and says the stuff,

If it be vicious or absurd enough,

Was woven upon his back. Far, far be all

That bring such prejudice mixed with their gall.

This play shall no satiric timist be

To tax or touch at either him or thee

That art notorious. ’Tis so far below

Things in our orb that do among us flow,

That no degree from kaiser to the clown,

Shall say this vice or folly was mine own.

LETOY

This had been well now, if you had not dreamt 311

Too long upon your syllables.

(Prol[ogue] ex[its].)

DIANA

The prologue call you this, my lord? 312

BARBARA

’Tis my lord’s reader and as good a lad, 313

Out of his function, as I would desire

To mix withal in civil conversation.

LETOY

Yes, lady, this was prologue to the play, 314

As this is to our sweet ensuing pleasures.

(Kiss[es her].)

JOYLESS

Kissing indeed is prologue to a play 315

Composed by th’ devil and acted by the Children

Of his black Revels. May hell take ye for’t!

MARTHA

Indeed I am weary and would fain go home. 316

BARBARA

Indeed, but you must stay and see the play. 317

MARTHA

The play? What play? It is no children's play, 318

Nor no child-getting play, pray is it?

BARBARA

You’ll see anon. Oh, now the actors enter. 319

(Flourish.)

(Enter two SERGEANTS, with swords drawn, running before a GENTLEMAN.)

GENTLEMAN

Why do you not your office, courteous friends? 320

Let me entreat you stay and take me with you.

Lay but your hands on me. I shall not rest

Until I be arrested. A sore shoulder-ache

Pains and torments me till your vertuous hands

Do clap or stroke it.

1 SERGEANT

You shall pardon us. 321

2 SERGEANT

And, I beseech you, pardon our intent, 322

Which was indeed to have arrested you.

But sooner shall the charter of the city

Be forfeited than varlets like ourselves

Shall wrong a gentleman’s peace. So, fare you well, sir.

([They] ex[it].)

GENTLEMAN

Oh, you’re unkind. 323

PEREGRINE

Pray, what are those? 324

DOCTOR

Two catchpoles 325

Run from a gentleman, it seems, that would

Have been arrested.

(Enter OLD LADY and BYPLAY, like a servingman.)

OLD LADY

Yonder’s your master. 326

Go, take him you in hand, while I fetch breath.

BYPLAY

[To GENTLEMAN] Oh, are you here? My lady and myself 327

Have sought you sweetly.

LETOY

You and your lady, you 328

Should ha’ said, puppy.

BYPLAY

For we heard you were 329

To be arrested. Pray sir, who has bailed you?

I wonder who of all your bold acquaintance

That knows my lady durst bail off her husband.

GENTLEMAN

Indeed, I was not touched. 330

BYPLAY

Have you not made 331

An end by composition, and disbursed

Some of my lady’s money for a peace

That shall beget an open war upon you?

Confess it, if you have, for ’twill come out.

She’ll ha’ you up, you know. I speak it for your good.

GENTLEMAN

I know’t, and I’ll entreat my lady wife 332

To mend thy wages t’other forty shillings

A year for thy true care of me.

OLD LADY

’Tis well, sir. 333

But now, if thou hast impudence so much

As face to face to speak unto a lady

That is thy wife and supreme head, tell me

At whose suit was it? Or upon what action?

Debts, I presume, you have none, for who dares trust

A lady’s husband who is but a squire

And under covert-barne? It is some trespass――

Answer me not till I find out the truth.

GENTLEMAN

The truth is―――― 334

OLD LADY

Peace. How dar’st thou speak the truth 335

Before thy wife? I’ll find it out myself.

DIANA

In truth, she handles him handsomely. 336

JOYLESS

Do you like it? 337

DIANA

Yes, and such wives are worthy to be liked 338

For giving good example.

LETOY

Good! Hold up 339

That humour by all means.

OLD LADY

I think I ha’ found it. 340

There was a certain mercer sent you silks

And cloth of gold to get his wife with child;

You slighted her and answered not his hopes,

And now he lays to arrest you. Is’t not so?

GENTLEMAN

Indeed, my lady wife, ’tis so. 341

OLD LADY

For shame! 342

Be not ingrateful to that honest man,

To take his wares and scorn to lie with his wife.

Do’t I command you. What did I marry you for?

The portion that you brought me was not so

Abundant, though it were five thousand pounds

(Considering too the jointure that I made you)

That you should disobey me.

DIANA

It seems the husbands 343

In the Antipodes bring portions, and

The wives make jointures.

JOYLESS

Very well observed. 344

DIANA

And wives, when they are old and past child-bearing, 345

Allow their youthful husbands other women.

LETOY

Right. And old men give their young wives like licence. 346

DIANA

That I like well. Why should not our old men 347

Love their young wives as well?

JOYLESS

Would you have it so? 348

LETOY

Peace, Master Joyless, you are too loud. Good still. 349

BYPLAY

Do as my Lady bids, you got her waiting woman 350

With child at half these words.

GENTLEMAN

Oh, but another’s 351

Wife is another thing. Far be it from

A gentleman’s thought to do so, having a wife

And handmaid of his own, that he loves better.

BYPLAY

There said you well. But take heed, I advise you, 352

How you love your own wench or your own wife

Better than other men’s.

DIANA

Good Antipodean counsel. 353

OLD LADY

Go to that waiting woman; if she prove with child, 354

I’ll take it as mine own.

GENTLEMAN

Her husband would 355

Do so. But from my house I may not stray.

MARTHA

If it be me your wife commends you to, 356

You shall not need to stray from your own house.

([She stands])

I’ll go home with you.

BARBARA

Precious! What do you mean? 357

Pray keep your seat: you’ll put the players out.

JOYLESS

Here’s goodly stuff! She’s in the Antipodes too. 358

PEREGRINE

[Gesturing towards LETOY and his guests] And what are those? 359

DOCTOR

All Antipodeans. 360

Attend, good sir.

OLD LADY

You know your charge, obey it. 361

(Enter WAITING WOMAN, great-bellied.)

WAITING WOMAN

What is his charge? Or whom must he obey, 362

Good madam, with your wild authority?

You are his wife, ’tis true, and therein may

According to our law, rule and control him.

But you must know withal, I am your servant

And bound by the same law to govern you

And be a stay to you in declining age,

To curb and qualify your head-strong will,

Which otherwise would ruin you. Moreover,

Though you're his wife, I am a breeding mother

Of a dear child of his; and therein claim

More honour from him than you ought to challenge.

OLD LADY

In sooth, she speaks but reason. 363

GENTLEMAN

Pray let’s home then. 364

WAITING WOMAN

You have something there to look to, one would think, 365

If you had any care. How well you saw

Your father at school today, and knowing how apt

He is to play the truant!

GENTLEMAN

But is he not 366

Yet gone to school?

WAITING WOMAN

Stand by, and you shall see. 367

(Enter three OLD MEN with satchels, etc.)

ALL THREE

Domine, domine duster. 368

(Three knaves in a cluster, etc.)

GENTLEMAN

Oh, this is gallant pastime! Nay, come on, 369

Is this your school? Was that your lesson, ha?

1 OLD MAN

Pray now, good son, indeed, indeed. 370

GENTLEMAN

Indeed, 371

You shall to school.

([To Byplay])

Away with him; and take

Their wagships with him, the whole cluster of ’em.

2 OLD MAN

You shan’t send us now, so you shan’t. 372

3 OLD MAN

We be none of your father, so we bain’t. 373

GENTLEMAN

Away with ’em, I say; and tell their school-mistress 374

What truants they are, and bid her pay ’em soundly.

ALL THREE

Oh! Oh! Oh! 375

BYPLAY

Come, come, ye gallows-clappers. 376

DIANA

Alas, will nobody beg pardon for 377

The poor old boys?

DOCTOR

[He gestures to Byplay] Sir, gentle sir, a word with you. 378

BYPLAY

To strangers, sir, I can be gentle. 379

LETOY

Good. 380

Now mark that fellow: he speaks extempore.

DIANA

Extempore call you him? He’s a dogged fellow 381

To the three poor old things there. Fie upon him!

PEREGRINE

Do men of such fair years here go to school? 382

BYPLAY

They would die dunces else. 383

PEREGRINE

Have you no young men scholars, sir, I pray, 384

When we have beardless doctors?

DOCTOR

He has wiped 385

My lips. You question very wisely, sir.

BYPLAY

So, sir, have we; and many reverend teachers, 386

Grave counsellors at law, perfect statesmen,

That never knew use of razor, which may live

For want of wit to lose their offices.

These were great scholars in their youth. But when

Age grows upon men here, their learning wastes

And so decays that if they live until

Threescore, their sons send them to school again.

They’d die as speechless else as new-born children.

PEREGRINE

’Tis a wise nation; and the piety 387

Of the young men most rare and commendable.

Yet give me, as a stranger, leave to beg

Their liberty this day; and what they lose by’t,

My father, when he goes to school, shall answer.

JOYLESS

I am abused on that side too. 388

BYPLAY

’Tis granted. 389

Hold up your heads and thank the gentleman

Like scholars; with your heels now.

ALL THREE

Gratias, gratias, gratias. 390

(The Old Men exit)

DIANA

Well done, son Peregrine. He’s in’s wits, I hope. 391

JOYLESS

If you lose yours the while, where’s my advantage? 392

DIANA

And trust me, ’twas well done too of Extempore 393

To let the poor old children loose. And now

I look well on him, he’s a proper man.

JOYLESS

She’ll fall in love with the actor, and undo me. 394

DIANA

Does not his lady love him, sweet my lord? 395

LETOY

Love? Yes, and lie with him, as her husband does 396

With’s maid. It is their law in the Antipodes.

DIANA

But we have no such laws with us. 397

JOYLESS

Do you 398

Approve of such a law?

DIANA

No; not so much 399

In this case, where the man and wife do lie

With their inferior servants; but in the other,

Where the old citizen would arrest the gallant

That took his wares and would not lie with’s wife,

There it seemes reasonable, very reasonable.

JOYLESS

Does it? 400

DIANA

Mak’t your own case: you are an old man; 401

I love a gentleman; you give him rich presents

To get me a child, because you cannot. Must not

We look to have our bargain?

JOYLESS

Give me leave 402

Now to be gone, my lord, though I leave her

Behind me. She is mad and not my wife,

And I may leave her.

LETOY

Come; you are moved, I see. 403

I’ll settle all. But first, prevail with you

To taste my wine and sweetmeats. The comedians

Shall pause the while. This you must not deny me.

([LETOY, DIANA, MARTHA and BARBARA] ex[it].)

JOYLESS

I must not live here always, that’s my comfort. 404

([JOYLESS] exit[s])

PEREGRINE

I thank you, sir, for the poor men’s release. 405

It was the first request that I have made

Since I came in these confines.

BYPLAY

’Tis our custom 406

To deny strangers nothing; yea, to offer

Of any thing we have that may be useful

In courtesy to strangers. Will you therefore

Be pleased to enter, sir, this habitation

And take such viands, beverage and repose

As may refresh you after tedious travels?

DOCTOR

Thou tak’st him right: for I am sure he’s hungry. 407

PEREGRINE

All I have seen since my arrival are 408

Wonders. But your humanity excels.

BYPLAY

Virtue in the Antipodes only dwells. 409

([PEREGRINE, DOCTOR and BYPLAY exit.])

ACT THREE

3.1

([Enter] LETOY, JOYLESS, DIANA, MARTHA, [and] BARBARA.)

LETOY

Yet, Master Joyless, are you pleased? You see, 410

Here's nothing but fair play, and all above-board.

JOYLESS

But it is late, and these long intermissions 411

By banqueting and courtship ’twixt the acts

Will keep back the catastrophe of your play

Until the morning light.

LETOY

All shall be short. 412

JOYLESS

And then in midst of scenes 413

You interrupt your actors; and tie them

To lengthen time in silence, while you hold

Discourse by the by.

LETOY

Pox on thy jealousy. 414

Because I give thy wife a look or word

Sometimes! What if I kiss (thus)?

([He kisses her.])

I'll not eat her!

JOYLESS

So, so, his banquet works with him. 415

LETOY

And for my actors, they shall speak, or not speak 416

As much, or more, or less, and when I please.

It is my way of pleasure, and I'll use it.

((Flourish.))

So sit: they enter.

(Enter LAWYER and POET.)

LAWYER

Your case is clear, I understand it fully 417

And need no more instructions. This shall serve

To firk your adversary from court to court.

If he stand out upon rebellious legs,

But till Octavus Michaelis next.

I'll bring him on submissive knees.

DIANA

What's he? 418

LETOY

A lawyer, and his client there, a poet. 419

DIANA

Goes law so torn, and poetry so brave? 420

JOYLESS

Will you but give the actors leave to speak, 421

They may have done the sooner?

LAWYER

Let me see: 422

This is your bill of parcels?

POET

Yes, of all 423

My several wares, according to the rates

Delivered unto my debtor.

DIANA

Wares, does he say? 424

LETOY

Yes, poetry is good ware 425

In the Antipodes, though there be some ill payers,

As well as here; but law there rights the poets.

LAWYER

(Reads) “Delivered to and for the use of the right worshipful Master Alderman Humblebee, as followeth: ―Imprimis―― ” 426

Umh, I cannot read your hand: your character

Is bad, and your orthography much worse.

Read it yourself, pray.

DIANA

Do aldermen 427

Love poetry in Antipodean London?

LETOY

Better than ours do custards; but the worst 428

Paymasters living there, worse than our gallants,

Partly for want of money, partly wit.

DIANA

Can aldermen want wit and money too? 429

That's wonderful.

POET

[Reads] “ Imprimis , sir, here is 430

For three religious madrigals to be sung

By th’ holy vestals in Bridewell, for the

Conversion of our city wives and daughters:

Ten groats a-piece—” It was his own agreement.

LAWYER

’Tis very reasonable. 431

POET

[Reads] “ Item : twelve hymns 432

For the twelve sessions during his shrievalty,

Sung by the choir of Newgate, in the praise

Of city clemency:” (for in that year

No guiltless person suffered by their judgement)

“Ten groats a piece also.”

LAWYER

So, now it rises. 433

DIANA

Why speaks your poet so demurely? 434

LETOY

Oh――― 435

’Tis a precise tone he has got among

The sober sisterhood.

DIANA

Oh, I remember: 436

The doctor said poets were all puritans

In the Antipodes. But where's the doctor?

And where’s your son, my Joyless?

LETOY

Do not mind him. 437

POET

[Reads] “ Item : A distich, graven in his thumb-ring, 438

Of all the wise speeches and sayings of all

His alder predecessors and his brethren

In two kings’ reigns.”

LAWYER

There was a curious piece. 439

POET

Two pieces he promised to me for it. 440

[Reads] “ Item : insciptions in his hall and parlour,

His gallery and garden, round the walls,

Of his own public acts, between the time

He was a common–councilman and shrieve:

One thousand lines put into wholesome verse.”

LAWYER

Here's a sum towards indeed! A thousand verses? 441

POET

They come to, at the known rate of the City 442

(That is to say at forty pence the score),

Eight pounds, six shillings, eight pence.

LAWYER

Well sir, on. 443

POET

[Reads] “ Item : an elegy for Mistress Alderwoman 444

Upon the death of one of her coach-mares

She prized above her daughter, being crooked―――

DIANA

The more beast she. 445

MARTHA

Ha, ha, ha. 446

BARBARA

Enough, enough, sweetheart. 447

MARTHA

’Tis true, for I should weep for that poor daughter: 448

’Tis like she’ll have no children. Pray now, look:

Am not I crooked too?

BARBARA

No, no, sit down. 449

POET

[Reads] “ Item : a love epistle for the aldermanikin, his son, 450

And a book of the godly life and death

Of Mistress Katherine Stubbs” (which I have turned

Into sweet metre, for the virtuous youth,

To woo an ancient lady widow with).

LAWYER

Here’s a large sum in all, for which I’ll try 451

His strength in law till he peccavicry,

When I shall sing, for all his present bigness,

Iamque opus exegi quod nec Iovis ira, nec ignis.

DIANA

The lawyer speaks the poet’s part. 452

LETOY

He thinks 453

The more; the poets in th’Antipodes

Are slow of tongue, but nimble with the pen.

POET

The counsel and the comfort you have given me 454

Requires a double fee.

(Offers money.)

LAWYER

Will you abuse me therefore? 455

I take no fees, double nor single, I.

Retain your money, you retain not me else.

Away, away. You’ll hinder other clients.

POET

Pray, give me leave to send then to your wife. 456

LAWYER

Not so much as a posy for her thimble, 457

For fear I spoil your cause.

POET

You’ve warned me, sir. 458

(Exit[s].)

DIANA

What a poor, honest lawyer’s this? 459

LETOY

They are all so in th’Antipodes. 460

(Enter a spruce, young CAPTAIN.)

LAWYER

Y’are welcome, captain. 461

In your two causes I have done my best.

CAPTAIN

And what’s the issue, pray, sir? 462

LAWYER

Truly sir, 463

Our best course is not to proceed to trial.

CAPTAIN

Your reason? I shall then recover nothing. 464

LAWYER

Yes, more by composition, than the court 465

Can lawfully adjudge you, as I have laboured.

And, sir, my course is, where I can compound

A difference, I’ll not toss nor bandy it

Into the hazard of a judgement.

DIANA

Still 466

An honest Lawyer, and though poor, no marvel.

LETOY

A kiss for thy conceit. 467

JOYLESS

A sweet occasion! 468

CAPTAIN

How! Have you done, sir? 469

LAWYER

First, you understand 470

Your several actions, and your adversaries:

The first a battery against a coachman,

That beat you sorely.

DIANA

What hard-hearted fellow 471

Could beat so spruce a gentleman, and a captain?

CAPTAIN

By this fair hilt, he did, sir, and so bruised 472

My arms, so crushed my ribs and stitched my sides,

That I have had no heart to draw my sword since.

And shall I put it up, and not his purse

Be made to pay for’t?

LAWYER

It is up already, sir, 473

If you can be advised. Observe, I pray,

Your other actions ’gainst your feathermaker,

And that of trespass for th’incessant trouble

He puts you to by importunate requests,

To pay him no money, but take longer day.

CAPTAIN

Against all human reason, for although 474

I have bought feathers off him these four years,

And never paid him a penny, yet he duns me

So desperately to keep my money still,

As if I owed him nothing. He haunts and breaks my sleeps.

I swear sir, by the motion of this I wear now,

((Shakes [head and hat with feather decoration]))

I have had twenty better feathers of him,

And as ill paid for. Yet still he duns me

To forbear my payment and take longer day

More than at first. I ha’ not said my prayers

In mine own lodging, sir, this twelvemonth’s day

For sight or thought of him. And how can you

Compound this action, or the other of

That ruffian coachman that durst lift a hand

’Gainst a commander?

LAWYER

Very easily, thus: 475

The coachman's poor and scarce his twelvemonths’ wages,

Though’t be five marks a year, will satisfy.

CAPTAIN

Pray name no sum in marks, I have had too many 476

Of’s marks already.

LAWYER

So you owe the other 477

A debt of twenty pound; the coachman now

Shall for your satisfaction beat you out

Of debt.

CAPTAIN

Beat me again? 478

LAWYER

No sir: he shall beat 479

For you your featherman, till he take his money.

CAPTAIN

So I’ll be satisfied, and help him to 480

More customers of my rank.

LAWYER

Leave it to me then: 481

It shall be by posterity repeaten

That soldiers ought not to be dunned or beaten.

Away and keep your money.

CAPTAIN

Thank you, sir. 482

(Exit[s].)

DIANA

An honest lawyer still! How he considers 483

The weak estate of a young gentleman

At arms―

((Enter BUFF WOMAN.))

But who comes here? A woman?

LETOY

Yes; that has taken up the newest fashion 484

Of the town militasters.

DIANA

Is it buff, 485

Or calfskin, trow? She looks as she could beat

Out a whole tavern garrison before her

Of— mill-tasters, call you ’em? If her husband

Be an old jealous man now, and can please her

(Lawyer reads on [his] papers.)

No better than most ancient husbands can,

I warrant she makes herself good upon him.

JOYLESS

’Tis very good; the play begins to please me. 486

BUFF WOMAN

I wait to speak w’ye, sir, but must I stand 487

Your constr’ing and piercing of your scribblings.

LAWYER

Cry mercy, lady. 488

DIANA

“Lady” does he call her? 489

LAWYER

Thus far I have proceeded in your cause 490

I’th’ marshal’s court.

BUFF WOMAN

But shall I have the combat? 491

LAWYER

Pray observe 492

The passages of my proceedings, and

The pro’s and contra’s in the windings, workings

And carriage of the cause.

BUFF WOMAN

Fah on your passages, 493

Your windy workings, and your fizzlings at

The Bar. Come ye to th’ point: is it decreed,

A combat?

LAWYER

Well, it is; and here’s your order. 494

BUFF WOMAN

Now thou hast spoken like a lawyer, 495

And here’s thy fee.

LAWYER

By no means, gentle lady. 496

BUFF WOMAN

Take it, or I will beat thy carcass thinner 497

Than thou hast worn thy gown here.

LAWYER

Pardon me. 498

BUFF WOMAN

Must I then take you in hand? 499

LAWYER

Hold, hold. I take it. 500

DIANA

Alas poor man, he will take money yet 501

Rather than blows; and so far he agrees

With our rich lawyers that sometimes give blows,

And shrewd ones, for their money.

BUFF WOMAN

Now victory 502

Afford me, Fate, or bravely let me die.

(Exit[s].)

LETOY

Very well acted, that. 503

DIANA

Goes she to fight now? 504

LETOY

You shall see that anon―――― 505

(Enter a BEGGAR and a GALLANT)

DIANA

What's here, what's here? 506

A courtier or some gallant practising

The beggar’s trade, who teaches him, I think.

LETOY

You’re something near the subject. 507

BEGGAR

Sir, excuse me. I have 508

From time to time supplied you without hope

Or purpose to receive least retribution

From you; no, not so much as thanks, or bare

Acknowledgement of the free benefits

I have conferred upon you.

GALLANT

Yet good uncle— 509

BEGGAR

Yet do you now, when that my present store 510

Responds not my occasions, seek to oppress me

With vain petitionary breath, for what I may not

Give without fear of dangerous detriment?

DIANA

In what a phrase the ragged orator 511

Displays himself!

LETOY

The Beggars are the most 512

Absolute courtiers in th’Antipodes.

GALLANT

If not a piece, yet spare me half a piece 513

For goodness sake, good sir. Did you but know

My instant want, and to what virtuous use

I would distribute it, I know you would not

Hold back your charity.

DIANA

And how feelingly 514

He begs! Then, as the beggars are the best

Courtiers, it seems the courtiers are best beggars

In the Antipodes. How contrary in all

Are they to us!

BEGGAR

Pray, to what virtuous uses 515

Would you put money to now, if you had it?

GALLANT

I would bestow a crown in ballads, 516

Love-pamphlets, and such poetical rarities,

To send down to my lady grandmother.

She’s very old, you know, and given much

To contemplation; I know she’ll send me for ’em,

In puddings, bacon, souse and pot-butter

Enough to keep my chamber all this winter.

So shall I save my father’s whole allowance

To lay upon my back, and not be forced

To shift out from my study for my victuals.

DIANA

Belike he is some student. 517

BEGGAR

There’s a crown. 518

GALLANT

I would bestow another crown in 519

Hobby-horses and rattles for my grandfather,

Whose legs and hearing fail him very much;

Then, to preserve his sight, a Jack-a-Lent,

In a green sarcenet suit, he’ll make my father

To send me one of scarlet, or he’ll cry

His eyes out for’t.

DIANA

Oh, politic young student! 520

BEGGAR

I have but just a fee left for my lawyer; 521

If he exact not that, I’ll give it thee.

DIANA

He’ll take no fee (that’s sure enough, young man) 522

Of beggars, I know that.

LETOY

You are deceived. 523

DIANA

I’ll speak to him myself else to remit it. 524

JOYLESS

You will not, sure. Will you turn actor too? 525

Pray do, be put in for a share amongst ’em!

DIANA

How must I be put in? 526

JOYLESS

The players will quickly 527

Show you, if you perform your part; perhaps

They may want one to act the whore amongst ’em.

LETOY

Fie, Master Joyless, you’re too foul. 528

JOYLESS

My lord, 529

She is too fair, it seems in your opinion,

For me. Therefore if you can find it lawful,

Keep her; I will be gone.

LETOY

Now I protest! 530

Sit and sit civilly till the play be done,

I’ll lock thee up else, as I am true Letoy.

JOYLESS

Nay, I ha’ done 531

(Whistles "Fortune my foe".)

LAWYER

Give me my fee, I cannot hear you else. 532

BEGGAR

Sir, I am poor, and all I get is at 533

The hands of charitable givers; pray sir—

LAWYER

You understand me, sir. Your cause is to be 534

Pleaded today, or you are quite o’erthrown in’t.

The judge by this time is about to sit.

Keep fast your money, and forgo your wit.

([LAWYER] exit[s].)

BEGGAR

Then I must follow, and entreat him to it: 535

Poor men in law must not disdain to do it.

([BEGGAR] exit[s].)

GALLANT

Do it then. I’ll follow you and hear the cause. 536

([GALLANT] exit[s].)

DIANA

True Antipodeans still, for, as with us 537

The gallants follow lawyers, and the beggars them,

The lawyer here is followed by the beggar,

While the gentleman follows him.

LETOY

The moral is, the lawyers here prove beggars, 538

And beggars only thrive by going to law.

DIANA

How takes the lawyers, then, the beggars’ money 539

And none else by their wills?

LETOY

They send it all 540

Up to our lawyers, to stop their mouths

That curse poor clients that are put upon ’em

In forma pauperis .

DIANA

In truth most charitable; 541

But sure that money’s lost by th’ way sometimes.

Yet, sweet my lord, whom do these beggars beg of,

That they can get aforehand so for law?

Who are their benefactors?

LETOY

Usurers, usurers. 542

DIANA

Then they have usurers in th’Antipodes too? 543

LETOY

Yes, usury goes round the world, and will do, 544

Till the general conversion of the Jews.

DIANA

But ours are not so charitable, I fear. 545

Who be their usurers?

LETOY

Soldiers and courtiers chiefly; 546

And some that pass for grave and pious churchmen.

DIANA

How finely contrary they’re still to ours. 547

(Enter BYPLAY.)

LETOY

Why do you not enter? What, are you asleep?―― 548

BYPLAY

My lord, the mad young gentleman――― 549

JOYLESS

What of him? 550

BYPLAY

He has got into our tiring house amongst us, 551

And ta’en a strict survey of all our properties,

Our statues and our images of gods, our planets and our constellations,

Our giants, monsters, furies, beasts, and bugbears,

Our helmets, shields and vizors, hairs and beards,

Our pasteboard marchpanes and our wooden pies.

LETOY

Sirrah, be brief. Be not you now as long in 552

Telling what he saw, as he surveying.

BYPLAY

Whether he thought ’twas some enchanted castle, 553

Or temple, hung and piled with monuments

Of uncouth and of various aspects,

I dive not to his thoughts. Wonder he did

A while it seemed, but yet undaunted stood:

When on the sudden, with thrice knightly force,

And thrice, thrice puissant arm he snatcheth down

The sword and shield that I played Bevis with,

Rusheth amongst the foresaid properties,

Kills monster after monster, takes the puppets

Prisoners, knocks down the Cyclops, tumbles all

Our jiggumbobs and trinkets to the wall.

Spying at last the crown and royal robes

I’th’ upper wardrobe, next to which by chance

The devil’s vizors hung and their flame-painted

Skin coats, those he removed with greater fury,

And (having cut the infernal ugly faces,

All into mammocks) with a reverend hand,

He takes the imperial diadem and crowns

Himself King of the Antipodes, and believes

He has justly gained the kingdom by his conquest.

LETOY

Let him enjoy his fancy. 554

BYPLAY

Doctor Hughball 555

Hath soothed him in’t, so that nothing can

Be said against it. He begins to govern

With purpose to reduce the manners

Of this country to his own; h’as constituted

The doctor his chief officer, whose secretary

I am to be. You’ll see a court well ordered.

LETOY

I see th’event already, by the aim 556

The doctor takes. Proceed you with your play,

And let him see it in what state he pleases.

(LETOY whispers with BARBARA)

BYPLAY

I go, my lord. 557

(Exit[s].)

DIANA

Trust me, this same Extempore, 558

(I know not’s tother name) pleases me better

For absolute action than all the rest.

JOYLESS

You were best beg him of his lord. 559

DIANA

Say you so? 560

He’s busy or I’d move him.

LETOY

Prithee do so, 561

Good Mistress Blaze.

((To MARTH[A].))

Go with her gentle lady.

Do as she bids you, you shall get a child by’t.

MARTHA

I’ll do as anybody bids me for a child. 562

JOYLESS

Diana, yet be wise: bear not the name 563

Of sober chastity to play the beast in.

DIANA

Think not yourself, nor make yourself a beast 564

Before you are one; and when you appear so,

Then thank yourself; your jealousy durst not trust me

Behind you in the country, and since I’m here,

I’ll see and know, and follow th’fashion; if

It be to cuckold you, I cannot help it.

JOYLESS

I now could wish my son had been as far 565

In the Antipodes as he thinks himself,

Ere I had run this hazard.

LETOY

You’re instructed. 566

BARBARA

And I’ll perform’t, I warrant you, my lord. 567

(BA[RBARA and] MAR[THA] ex[it].)

DIANA

Why should you wish so? Had you rather lose 568

Your son than please your wife? You show your love both ways.

LETOY

Now what’s the matter? 569

JOYLESS

Nothing, nothing――― 570

LETOY

Sit: the actors enter. 571

(Flourish.)

(Enter BYPLAY [as] the Governor, MACE-BEARER, SWORD-BEARER, [and] OFFICER[.] The Mace and Sword [are] laid on the table[.] The Governor sits.)

DIANA

What’s he, a king? 572

LETOY

No, ’tis the city governor, 573

And the chief judge within their corporation.

JOYLESS

Here's a city like to be well governed then―― 574

(Enter PEREGRINE and DOCTOR.)

LETOY

Yonder’s a king. Do you know him? 575

DIANA

’Tis your son, 576

My Joyless, now you’re pleased.

JOYLESS

Would you were pleased 577

To cease your huswif’ry in spinning out

The play at length thus.

DOCTOR

Here, sir, you shall see 578

A point of justice handled.

BYPLAY

Officer. 579

OFFICER

My lord. 580

BYPLAY

Call the defendant and the plaintiff in. 581

SWORD-BEARER

Their counsel and their witnesses. 582

BYPLAY

How now! 583

How long ha’ you been free o’th’ pointmakers,

Good Master hilt-and-scabbard carrier

(Which is in my hands now)? Do you give order

For counsel and for witnesses in a cause

Fit for my hearing, or for me to judge, haw?

I must be ruled and circumscribed by lawyers, must I,

And witnesses, haw? No, you shall know

I can give judgement, be it right or wrong,

Without their needless proving and defending!

So bid the lawyers go and shake their ears,

If they have any, and the witnesses

Preserve their breath to prophesy of dry summers.

Bring me the plaintiff and defendant only,

But the defendant first. I will not hear

Any complaint before I understand

What the defendant can say for himself.

([OFFICER exits])

PEREGRINE

I have not known such downright equity: 584

If he proceeds as he begins, I’ll grace him.—

(Enter GENTLEMAN and OFFICER.)

BYPLAY

Now, sir, are you the plaintiff or defendant, haw? 585

GENTLEMAN

Both as the case requires, my lord. 586

BYPLAY

I cannot 587

Hear two at once; speak first as you’re defendant.

GENTLEMAN

Mine adversary doth complain— 588

BYPLAY

I will hear no 589

Complaint. I say speak your defence.

GENTLEMAN

For silks and 590

Stuffs received by me—

BYPLAY

A mercer is he, haw? 591

GENTLEMAN

Yes, my good lord, he doth not now complain— 592

BYPLAY

That I like well. 593

GENTLEMAN

For money nor for wares 594

Again: but he complains—

BYPLAY

Complains again? 595

Do you double with me, haw?

GENTLEMAN

In his wife’s cause. 596

BYPLAY

Of his wife, does he, haw? That I must confess 597

Is many a good man’s case; you may proceed.

GENTLEMAN

In money I tender him double satisfaction, 598

With his own wares again unblemished, undishonoured.

BYPLAY

That is unworn, unpawned. 599

DIANA

What an odd 600

Jeering judge is this?

GENTLEMAN

But unto me 601

They were delivered upon this condition:

That I should satisfy his wife.

BYPLAY

He’ll have 602

Your body for her then, unless I empt

My breast of mercy to appease her for you.

Call in the plaintiff.

((OFFICER exit[s.]))

Sir, stand you aside.

DIANA

Oh, ’tis the flinching gentleman that broke 603

With the kind citizen’s wife. I hope the judge

Will make him an example.

(Enter CITIZEN and OFFICER.)

BYPLAY

Come you forwards. 604

([CITIZEN takes a step forward.])

Yet nearer man.

([CITIZEN comes closer.])

I know my face is terrible,

And that a citizen had rather lose

His debt than that a judge should truly know

His dealings with a gentleman. Yet speak,

Repeat without thy shopbook now, and without

Fear it may rise in judgement here against thee.

What is thy full demand? What satisfaction

Requirest thou of this gentleman?

CITIZEN

And please you sir―――― 605

SWORD-BEARER

Sir! You forget yourself. 606

BYPLAY

’Twas well said, Sword-bearer. 607

Thou know’st thy place, which is to show correction.

CITIZEN

My lord, an’t please you, if it like your honour— 608

BYPLAY

La! An intelligent citizen, and may grow 609

In time himself to sit in place of worship.

CITIZEN

I ask no satisfaction of the gentleman 610

But to content my wife; what her demand is,

’Tis best known to herself; please her, please me,

An’t please you, sir―― my lord, an’t like your honour.

But before he has given her satisfaction

I may not fall my suit, nor draw my action.

BYPLAY

You may not? 611

CITIZEN

No, alack-a-day! I may not, 612

Nor find content nor peace at home, an’t please you

(My lord, an’t like your honour, I would say).

An’t please you, what’s a tradesman that

Has a fair wife without his wife, an’t please you?

And she without content is no wife. Considering

We tradesmen live by gentlemen, an’t please you,

And our wives drive a half trade with us, if the gentlemen

Break with our wives, our wives are no wives to us,

And we but broken tradesmen, an’t please you.

And’t like your honour, my good lord, and’t please you.

BYPLAY

You argue honestly. 613

CITIZEN

Yet gentlemen, 614

Alack-a-day! and please you, and like your honour,

Will not consider our necessities,

And our desire in general through the city,

To have our sons all gentlemen like them.

BYPLAY

Nor though a gentleman consume 615

His whole estate among ye, yet his son

May live t’inherit it?

CITIZEN

Right, right, and’t please you, 616

Your honour, my good lord, an’t please you.

BYPLAY

Well, 617

This has so little to be said against it,

That you say nothing. Gentlemen, it seems

You’re obstinate, and will stand out――

GENTLEMAN

My lord, 618

Rather than not to stand out with all men’s wives,

Except mine own, I’ll yield me into prison.

CITIZEN

Alack-a-day! 619

DIANA

If our young gentlemen 620

Were like those of th’Antipodes, what decay

Of trade would here be, and how full the prisons!

GENTLEMAN

I offer him any other satisfaction: 621

His wares again, or money twice the value.

BYPLAY

That’s from the point. 622

CITIZEN

Ay! Ay! Alack-a-day! 623

Nor do I sue to have him up in prison;

Alack-a-day, what good (good gentleman)

Can I get by his body?

BYPLAY

Peace! I should 624

Now give my sentence, and for your contempt,

(Which is a great one, such as if let pass

Unpunished, may spread forth a dangerous

Example to the breach of city custom,

By gentlemen’s neglect of tradesmen’s wives)

I should say for this contempt commit you

Prisoner from sight of any other woman,

Until you give this man’s wife satisfaction,

And she release you; justice so would have it.

But as I am a citizen by nature,

(For education made it so) I’ll use

Urbanity in your behalf towards you;

And as I am a gentleman by calling,

(For so my place must have it) I’ll perform

For you the office of a gentleman

Towards his wife. I therefore order thus:

That you bring me the wares here into court,

(I have a chest shall hold ’em, as mine own)

And you send me your wife, I’ll satisfy her

Myself. I’ll do’t, and set all straight and right:

Justice is blind, but judges have their sight.

DIANA

And feeling too in the Antipodes. 625

Ha’n’t they, my lord?

JOYLESS

What’s that to you, my lady? 626

WITHIN

Dismiss the court. 627

LETOY

Dismiss the court. Cannot you hear the prompter? 628

Ha’ you lost your ears, judge?

BYPLAY

No. 629

([Aloud to Officer])

Dismiss the court.

([To GENTLEMEN and CITIZEN])

Embrace you friends, and to shun further strife,

See you send me your stuff, and you your wife.

([GENTLEMAN, CITIZEN, OFFICER, MACE-BEARER and SWORD-BEARER exit.])

PEREGRINE

Most admirable justice. 630

([BYPLAY removes his judicial robes.])

DIANA

Protest Extempore played the judge; and I 631

Knew him not all this while.

JOYLESS

What over-sight 632

Was there?

DIANA

He is a properer man, methinks 633

Now, than he was before: sure I shall love him.

JOYLESS

Sure, sure you shall not, shall you? 634

DIANA

And I warrant, 635

By his judgement speech e’en now, he loves a woman well:

For he said, if you noted him, that he

Would satisfy the citizen’s wife himself.

Methinks a gentlewoman might please him better.

JOYLESS

How dare you talk so? 636

(BYPLAY kneels and kisses PEREGRINE’S hand.)

DIANA

What’s he a-doing now, trow? 637

PEREGRINE

Kneel down again. Give me a sword somebody. 638

LETOY

The King’s about to knight him. 639

BYPLAY

Let me pray 640

Your majesty be pleased yet to withhold

That undeservèd honour till you first

Vouchsafe to grace the city with your presence,

Accept one of our hall feasts, and a freedom,

And freely use our purse for what great sums

Your majesty will please.

DIANA

What subjects there are 641

In the Antipodes!

LETOY

None in the world so loving. 642

PEREGRINE

Give me a sword, I say. Must I call thrice? 643

LETOY

No, no, take mine, my liege. 644

PEREGRINE

Yours! What are you? 645

DOCTOR

A loyal lord, one of your subjects too. 646

PEREGRINE

He may be loyal; he’s a wondrous plain one. 647

JOYLESS

Prithee, Diana, yet let’s slip away 648

Now while he’s busy.

DIANA

But where’s your daughter-in-law? 649

JOYLESS

Gone home, I warrant you, with Mistress Blaze. 650

Let them be our example.

DIANA

You are cozened. 651

JOYLESS

You’re an impudent whore. 652

DIANA

I know not what I may be 653

Made by your jealousy.

PEREGRINE

[Throwing down LETOY's sword] I’ll none o’ this. 654

Give me that princely weapon.

([Pointing to sword of state])

LETOY

Give it him. 655

SWORD-BEARER

It is a property, you know, my lord, 656

No blade, but a rich scabbard with a lath in’t.

LETOY

So is the sword of justice, for aught he knows. 657

PEREGRINE

It is enchanted. 658

BYPLAY

Yet on me let it fall, 659

Since ’tis your highness’ will, scabbard and all.

PEREGRINE

Rise up, our trusty well-belovèd knight. 660

BYPLAY

Let me find favour in your gracious sight 661

To taste a banquet now, which is prepared,

And shall be by your followers quickly shared.

PEREGRINE

My followers? Where are they? 662

LETOY

[Calls offstage] Come, sirs, quickly. 663

(Ent[er] 5 or 6 COURTIERS.)

PEREGRINE

’Tis well. Lead on the way. 664

([PEREGRINE, DOCTOR, BYPLAY and COURTIERS exit.])

DIANA

And must not we 665

Go to the banquet too?

LETOY

He must not see 666

You yet; I have provided otherwise

For both you in my chamber; and from thence

We’ll at a window see the rest o’th’ play

Or if you needs, sir, will stay here, you may.

JOYLESS

Was ever man betrayed thus into torment? 667

([DIANA, LETOY and JOYLESS] ex[it].)

ACT FOUR

4.1

(Enter DOCTOR and PEREGRINE.)

DOCTOR

Now, sir, be pleased to cloud your princely raiment 668

With this disguise. Great kings have done the like

(([PEREGRINE] puts on a cloak and hat.))

To make discovery of passages

Among the people: thus you shall perceive

What to approve, and what correct among ’em.

PEREGRINE

And so I’ll cherish or severely punish. 669

(Enter an OLD WOMAN, reading [a handbill]. To her, a young MAID [carrying a book].)

DOCTOR

Stand close sir, and observe. 670

OLD WOMAN

[Reads] “Royal pastime ... in a great match between the tanners and the butchers, six dogs of a side, to play single at the game bear for fifty pound and a ten-pound supper, for their dogs and themselves. Also you shall see two ten-dog courses at the great bear.”

MAID

Fie, granny, fie! Can no persuasions, 672

Threat’nings, nor blows prevail, but you’ll persist

In these profane and diabolical courses?

To follow bear-baitings, when you can scarce

Spell out their bills with spectacles?

OLD WOMAN

What though 673

My sight be gone beyond the reach of spectacles,

In any print but this, and though I cannot

(No, no, I cannot) read your meditations,

((strikes down her book))

Yet I can see the royal game played over and over,

And tell which dog does best, without my spectacles.

And though I could not, yet I love the noise;

The noise revives me, and the bear-garden scent

Refresheth much my smelling.

MAID

Let me entreat you 674

Forbear such beastly pastimes; they’re satanical.

OLD WOMAN

Take heed, child, what you say: ’tis the king’s game. 675

PEREGRINE

What is my game? 676

DOCTOR

Bear-baiting, sir, she means. 677

OLD WOMAN

A bear’s a princely beast, and “one side venison”, 678

Writ a good author once. You yet want years,

And are with baubles pleased; I’ll see the bears.

(Exit[s].)

MAID

And I must bear with it. She’s full of wine, 679

And for the present wilful, but in due

Season I’ll humble her. But we are all

Too subject to infirmity.

(Enter a [second] young GENTLEMAN and an old SERVINGMAN.)

GENTLEMAN

Boy—. Boy—. 680

SERVINGMAN

Sir. 681

GENTLEMAN

Here take my cloak. 682

PEREGRINE

Boy, did he say? 683

DOCTOR

Yes sir, old servants are 684

But boys to masters, be they ne’er so young.

GENTLEMAN

’Tis heavy, and I sweat. 685

SERVINGMAN

Take mine, and keep 686

You warm then. I’ll wear yours.

([They exchange cloaks.])

GENTLEMAN

Out, you varlet! 687

Dost thou obscure it, as thou meant’st to pawn it?

Is this a cloak unworthy of the light?

Publish it, sirrah. ――Oh, presumptuous slave!

Display it on one arm. ――Oh, ignorance!

SERVINGMAN

Pray load your ass yourself, as you would have it. 688

GENTLEMAN

Nay, prithee, be not angry. 689

([Rearranging the cloak on the SERVINGMAN's arm])

Thus. And now

Be sure you bear’t at no such distance but

As’t may be known appendix to this book.

PEREGRINE

This custom I have seen with us. 690

DOCTOR

Yes, but 691

It was derived from the Antipodes.

MAID

It is a dainty creature, and my blood 692

Rebels against the spirit: I must speak to him.

SERVINGMAN

Sir, here’s a Gentlewoman makes towards you. 693

GENTLEMAN

Me? She’s deceived. I am not for her mowing. 694

MAID

Fair sir, may you vouchsafe my company? 695

GENTLEMAN

No truly, I am none of those you look for. 696

The way is broad enough.

([She seizes his arm.])

Unhand me, pray you.

MAID

Pray, sir, be kinder to a lass that loves you. 697

GENTLEMAN

Some such there are, but I am none of those. 698

MAID

Come, this is but a copy of your countenance. 699

I ha’ known you better than you think I do.

GENTLEMAN

What ha’ you known me for? 700

MAID

I knew you once 701

For half a piece, I take it.

GENTLEMAN

You are deceived 702

The whole breadth of your nose. I scorn it.

MAID

Come be not coy, but send away your servant, 703

And let me gi’ you a pint of wine.

GENTLEMAN

Pray keep 704

Your courtesy, I can bestow the wine

Upon myself, if I were so disposed

To drink in taverns. Fah!

MAID

Let me bestow’t 705

Upon you at your lodging then; and there

Be civilly merry.

GENTLEMAN

Which if you do, 706

My wife shall thank you for it; but your better

Course is to seek one fitter for your turn;

You'll lose your aim in me, and I befriend you

To tell you so.

MAID

Gip gaffer shotten. Fagh! 707

Take that for your coy counsel.

(Kicks [GENTLEMAN].)

GENTLEMAN

Help! Oh, help! 708

SERVINGMAN

What mean you, gentlewoman? 709

MAID

That to you sir. 710

(Kicks [SERVINGMAN too].)

GENTLEMAN

Oh murder! Murder! 711

SERVINGMAN

Peace, good master, 712

And come away. Some cowardly jade, I warrant,

That durst not strike a woman.

(Enter CONSTABLE and WATCH.)

CONSTABLE

What's the matter? 713

SERVINGMAN

[To Maid] But an we were your match— 714

WATCH

What would you do? 715

Come, come afore the Constable. Now, if

You were her match, what would you do, sir?

MAID

Do? 716

They have done too much already sir: a virgin

([She] weeps.)

Shall not pass shortly for these street-walkers,

If some judicious order be not taken.

GENTLEMAN

Hear me the truth. 717

CONSTABLE

Sir, speak to your companions: 718

I have a wife and daughters and am bound

By hourly precepts to hear women first,

Be’t truth, or no truth. Therefore, virgin, speak,

And fear no bugbears, I will do thee justice.

MAID

Sir, they assailed me, and with violent hands, 719

When words could not prevail, they would have drawn me

Aside unto their lust, till I cried murder.

GENTLEMAN

Protest, sir, as I am a gentleman 720

And as my man's a man, she beat us both

Till I cried murder.

SERVINGMAN

That’s the woeful truth on’t. 721

CONSTABLE

You are a party and no witness, sir. 722

Besides you’re two, and one is easier

To be believed. Moreover, as you have the odds

In number, what were justice, if it should not support

The weaker side? Away with them to the Counter.

PEREGRINE

Call you this justice? 723

DOCTOR

In th’Antipodes. 724

PEREGRINE

Here’s much to be reformed. Young man, thy virtue 725

Hath won my favour. Go: thou art at large.

DOCTOR

Be gone. 726

GENTLEMAN

He puts me out. My part is now 727

To bribe the constable.

DOCTOR

No matter. Go. 728

(GENTLEMAN and [SERVINGMAN] ex[it].)

PEREGRINE

And you sir, take that sober seeming wanton 729

And clap her up till I hear better of her.

I’ll strip you of your office and your ears else.

DOCTOR

At first show mercy. 730

PEREGRINE

They are an ignorant nation 731

And have my pity mingled with correction:

And therefore, damsel (for you are the first

Offender I have noted here and this

Your first offence, for ought I know)

MAID

Yes, truly. 732

DOCTOR

That was well said. 733

PEREGRINE

Go, and transgress no more. 734

And, as you find my mercy sweet, see that

You be not cruel to your grandmother

When she returns from bear-baiting.

DOCTOR

So all be gone. 735

([MAID] ex[its])

(Enter BUFF WOMAN, her head and face bleeding, and many women, as from a prize.)

PEREGRINE

And what are these? 736

DOCTOR

A woman fencer, that has played a prize, 737

It seems, with loss of blood.

PEREGRINE

It doth amaze me. 738

((They pass over [the stage and exit].))

What can her husband be, when she’s a fencer?

DOCTOR

He keeps a school and teacheth needlework, 739

Or some such arts, which we call womanish.

PEREGRINE

’Tis most miraculous and wonderful. 740

MAN-SCOLD

(within) Rogues! Varlets! Harlots! Ha’ you done your worst, 741

Or would you drown me? Would you take my life?

WOMEN

(within) Duck him again. Duck him again. 742

PEREGRINE

What noise is this? 743

DOCTOR

Some man it seems, that’s ducked for scolding. 744

PEREGRINE

A man for scolding? 745

DOCTOR

You shall see. 746

(Enter WOMEN and MAN-SCOLD.)

WOMEN

So, so. 747

Enough, enough. He will be quiet now.

MAN-SCOLD

How know you that, you devil-ridden witch, you? 748

How, quiet? Why quiet? Has not the law passed on me,

Over and over me, and must I be quiet?

1 WOMAN

Will you incur the law the second time? 749

MAN-SCOLD

The law’s the river, is’t? Yes, ’tis a river 750

Through which great men, and cunning, wade or swim;

But mean and ignorant must drown in’t. No

You hags and hellhounds, witches, bitches, all

That were the law, the judge and executioners,

To my vexation, I hope to see

More flames about your ears, than all the water

You cast me in can quench.

3 WOMAN

In with him again: 751

He calls us names.

MAN-SCOLD

No, no; I charge ye, no! 752

Was ever harmless creature so abused?

To be drenched under water, to learn dumbness

Amongst the fishes, as I were forbidden

To use the natural members I was born with,

And of them all, the chief that man takes pleasure in:

The tongue! Oh me, accursed wretch!

([He] weeps.)

PEREGRINE

Is this a man? 753

I ask not by his beard, but by his tears.

1 WOMAN

This shower will spend the fury of his tongue, 754

And so the tempest’s over.

2 WOMAN

I am sorry for’t 755

I would have had him ducked once more.

But somebody will shortly raise the storm

In him again, I hope, for us to make

More holiday-sport of him.

([MAN-SCOLD and WOMEN] exit.)

PEREGRINE

Sure these are dreams, 756

Nothing but dreams.

DOCTOR

No, doubtless we are awake, sir. 757

PEREGRINE

Can men and women be so contrary 758

In all that we hold proper to each sex?

DOCTOR

I’m glad he takes a taste of sense in that yet. 759

PEREGRINE

’Twill ask long time and study to reduce 760

Their manners to our government.

DOCTOR

These are 761

Low things and easy to be qualified―――

But see, sir, here come courtiers; note their manners.

(Enter a COURTIER [counting his money.])

1 COURTIER

This was three shillings yesterday, how now! 762

All gone but this? Six pence, for leather soles

To my new green silk stockings, and a groat

My ordinary in pompions baked with onions.

PEREGRINE

Do such eat pompions? 763

DOCTOR

Yes; and clowns musk-melons. 764

1 COURTIER

Three pence I lost at ninepins; but I got 765

Six tokens towards that at pigeon-holes――――

’S nails!

([Enter 2 COURTIER, unseen by 1 Courtier.])

Where’s the rest? Is my poke bottom broke?

2 COURTIER

What, Jack! A pox o’ertake thee not? How dost? 766

(Kicks [him].)

1 COURTIER

What with a vengeance ail’st? Dost think my breech 767

Is made of bell-metal? Take that!

(Box[es him] o’th’ ear.)

2 COURTIER

In earnest? 768

1 COURTIER

Yes, till more comes. 769

([Grabs him by the hair.])

2 COURTIER

Pox rot your hold! Let go my lock. D’ye think 770

You’re currying of your father’s horse again?

1 COURTIER

I’ll teach you to abuse a man behind 771

Was troubled too much afore.

(They buffet.)

(Ent[er] 3rd COURT[IER, just as 2nd COURTIER knocks down 1st COURTIER.])

3 COURTIER

Hey! There boys, there. 772

Good boys are good boys still. There, Will! There, Jack!

Not a blow, now he’s down.

2 COURTIER

’Twere base, I scorn’t. 773

1 COURTIER

There’s as proud fall as stand in court or city. 774

3 COURTIER

That’s well said, Will. Troth, I commend you both. 775

How fell you out? I hope in no great anger.

2 COURTIER

For mine own part I vow I was in jest. 776

1 COURTIER

But I have told you twice and once, Will, jest not 777

With me behind. I never could endure

(Not of a boy) to put up things behind;

And that my tutor knew: I had been a scholar else.

Besides you know my sword was nocked i’th’ fashion,

Just here behind, for my back-guard and all;

And yet you would do’t.

I had as lief you would take a knife――

3 COURTIER

Come, come, 778

You’re friends. Shake hands I’ll give you half a dozen

At the next ale-house to set all right and straight.

And a new song; a dainty one; here ’tis.

([Showing them] a ballad[-sheet].)

1 COURTIER

Oh, thou art happy that canst read―― 779

I would buy ballads too, had I thy learning.

3 COURTIER

Come, we burn daylight, and the ale may sour. 780

([They] ex[it].)

PEREGRINE

Call you these Courtiers? They are rude silken clowns, 781

As coarse within as watermen or car-men.

DOCTOR

Then look on these: here are of those conditions. 782

(Ent[er] CAR-MAN [and] WATERMAN.)

WATERMAN

Sir, I am your servant. 783

CAR-MAN

I am much obliged, 784

Sir, by the plenteous favours your humanity

And noble virtue have conferred upon me,

To answer with my service your deservings.

WATERMAN

You speak what I should say. Be therefore pleased 785

T’unload, and lay the weight of your commands

Upon my care to serve you.

CAR-MAN

Still your courtesies, 786

Like waves of a spring-tide, o’er-flow the banks

Of your abundant store; and from your channel

Or stream of fair affections you cast forth

Those sweet refreshings on me (that were else

But sterile earth) which cause a gratitude

To grow upon me, humble, yet ambitious

In my devoir to do you best of service.

WATERMAN

I shall no more extend my utmost labour 787

With oar and sail to gain the livelihood

Of wife and children than to set ashore

You and your faithful honourers at the haven

Of your best wishes.

CAR-MAN

Sir, I am no less 788

Ambitious to be made the happy means,

With whip and whistle, to draw up or drive

All your detractors to the gallows.

(Enter SEDANMAN.)

WATERMAN

See, 789

Our noble friend.

SEDANMAN

Right happily encountered―― 790

I am the just admirer of your virtues.

[BOTH]

We are, in all, your servants. 791

SEDANMAN

I was in quest 792

Of such elect society to spend

A dinner-time withal.

BOTH

Sir, we are for you. 793

SEDANMAN

Three are the golden number in a tavern: 794

And at the next of best, with the best meat

And wine the house affords (if you so please)

We will be competently merry. I

Have received, lately, letters from beyond seas,

Importing much of the occurrences,

And passages of foreign states. The knowledge

Of all, I shall impart to you.

WATERMAN

And I 795

Have all the new advertisements from both

Our universities of what has passed

The most remarkably of late.

CAR-MAN

And from 796

The court I have the news at full,

Of all that was observable this progress.

PEREGRINE

From court? 797

DOCTOR

Yes, sir. They know not there they have 798

A new king here at home.

SEDANMAN

’Tis excellent! 799

We want but now the news-collecting gallant

To fetch his dinner and materials

For his this week’s dispatches.

WATERMAN

I dare think 800

The meat and news being hot upon the table,

He’ll smell his way to’t.

SEDANMAN

Please you to know yours, sir? 801

CAR-MAN

Sir, after you. 802

SEDANMAN

Excuse me. 803

WATERMAN

By no means, sir. 804

CAR-MAN

Sweet sir, lead on. 805

SEDANMAN

It shall be as your servant 806

Then to prepare your dinner.

WATERMAN

Pardon me. 807

CAR-MAN

In sooth I’ll follow you. 808

WATERMAN

Yet ’tis my obedience. 809

([CAR-MAN, WATERMAN and SEDANMAN] Ex[it].)

PEREGRINE

Are these but labouring men and t’other courtiers? 810

DOCTOR

Tis common here, sir, for your watermen 811

To write most learnedly, when your courtier

Has scarce ability to read.

PEREGRINE

Before I reign 812

A month among them, they shall change their notes,

Or I’ll ordain a course to change their coats

I shall have much to do in reformation.

DOCTOR

Patience and counsel will go through it, sir. 813

PEREGRINE

What if I craved a counsel from New England? 814

The old will spare me none.

DOCTOR

Is this man mad? 815

My cure goes fairly on. Do you marvel that

Poor men outshine the courtiers? Look you, sir,

((These persons pass over the stage in couples, according as he describes them.))

A sick man giving counsel to a physician;

And there’s a puritan tradesman teaching a

Great traveller to lie; that ballad-woman

Gives light to the most learned antiquary

In all the kingdom.

BALLAD-SINGER

Buy new ballads, come. 816

DOCTOR

A natural fool, there, giving grave instructions 817

T’a lord ambassador; that’s a schismatic,

Teaching a scrivener to keep his ears;

A parish clerk, there, gives the rudiments

Of military discipline to a general:

And there’s a basket-maker confuting Bellarmine.

PEREGRINE

Will you make me mad? 818

(Ent[er during the following speech] BYPLAY like a statesman [and] three or four PROJECTORS with bundles of papers.)

DOCTOR

We are sailed, I hope, 819

Beyond the line of madness. Now sir, see

A statesman, studious for the commonwealth,

Solicited by projectors of the country.

BYPLAY

Your projects are all good; I like them well, 820

Especially these two: this for th’increase of wool,

And this for the destroying of mice. They’re good

And grounded on great reason. As for yours

For putting down the infinite use of jacks

(Whereby the education of young children

In turning spits is greatly hindered)

It may be looked into. And yours against

The multiplicity of pocket watches,

(Whereby much neighbourly familiarity,

By asking, “what d’ye guess it is o’clock?”

Is lost) when every puny clerk can carry

The time o’th’ day in’s breeches: this, and these,

Hereafter may be looked into. For present:

This for the increase of wool (that is to say,

By flaying of live horses and new covering them

With sheepskins), I do like exceedingly.

And this for keeping of tame owls in cities

To kill up rats and mice, whereby all cats

May be destroyed, as an especial means

To prevent witchcraft and contagion.

PEREGRINE

Here’s a wise business! 821

PROJECTOR

Will your honour now, 822

Be pleased to take into consideration

The poor men’s suits for briefs to get relief,

By common charity throughout the kingdom,

Towards recovery of their lost estates?

BYPLAY

What are they? Let me hear. 823

PROJECTOR

First, here’s a gamester that sold house and land 824

To the known value of five thousand pounds,

And by misfortune of the dice lost all,

To his extreme undoing, having neither

A wife or child to succour him.

BYPLAY

A bachelor? 825

PROJECTOR

Yes, my good lord. 826

BYPLAY

And young and healthful? 827

PROJECTOR

Yes. 828

BYPLAY

Alas, ’tis lamentable! He deserves much pity. 829

PEREGRINE

How’s this? 830

DOCTOR

Observe him further, pray sir. 831

PROJECTOR

Then, here’s a bawd of sixty-odd years’ standing. 832

BYPLAY

How old was she when she set up? 833

PROJECTOR

But four 834

And twenty, my good lord. She was both ware

And merchant; flesh and butcher (as they say)

For the first twelve years of her housekeeping.

She’s now upon fourscore and has made markets

Of twice four thousand choice virginities;

And twice their number of indifferent gear.

(No riff-raff was she ever known to cope for)

Her life is certified here by the justices,

Adjacent to her dwelling―――

BYPLAY

She is decayed. 835

PROJECTOR

Quite trade-fallen, my good lord, now in her dotage; 836

And desperately undone by riot.

BYPLAY

’Las, good woman. 837

PROJECTOR

She has consumed in prodigal feasts and fiddlers 838

And lavish lendings to debauched comrades

That sucked her purse, in jewels, plate and money,

To the full value of six thousand pounds.

BYPLAY

She shall have a collection, and deserves it. 839

PEREGRINE

’Tis monstrous, this. 840

PROJECTOR

Then here are divers more, 841

Of pandars, cheaters, house and highway robbers,

That have got great estates in youth and strength

And wasted all as fast in wine and harlots,

Till age o’ertook ’em, and disabled them

For getting more.

BYPLAY

For such the law provides 842

Relief within those counties where they practised.

PEREGRINE

Ha! What, for thieves? 843

DOCTOR

Yes, their law punisheth 844

The robbed and not the thief, for surer warning

And the more safe prevention. I have seen

Folks whipped for losing of their goods and money

And the pickpockets cherished.

BYPLAY

The weal public, 845

As it severely punisheth their neglect

(Undone by fire-ruins, shipwreck and the like)

With whips, with brands, and loss of careless ears,

Imprisonment, banishment, and sometimes death;

And carefully maintaineth houses of correction

For decayed scholars and maimed soldiers,

So doth it find relief and almshouses,

For such as lived by rapine and by cozenage.

PEREGRINE

Still worse and worse! Abominable! Horrid! 846

PROJECTOR

Yet here is one, my lord, ’bove all the rest, 847

Whose services have generally been known,

Though now he be a spectacle of pity.

BYPLAY

Who’s that? 848

PROJECTOR

The captain of the cutpurses, my lord; 849

That was the best at’s art that ever was,

Is fallen to great decay by the dead palsy

In both his hands, and craves a large collection.

BYPLAY

I’ll get it him. 850

PEREGRINE

You shall not get it him. 851

Do you provide whips, brands and ordain death

For men that suffer under fire or shipwreck

The loss of all their honest gotten wealth,

And find relief for cheaters, bawds, and thieves?

I’ll hang ye all.

BYPLAY

Mercy, great king. 852

BYPLAY

Let not our ignorance suffer in your wrath, 854

Before we understand your highness’ laws.

We went by custom and the warrant, which

We had in your late predecessor’s reign.

But let us know your pleasure, you shall find

The state and commonwealth in all obedient

To alter custom, law, religion, all,

To be conformable to your commands.

PEREGRINE

’Tis a fair protestation; and my mercy 855

Meets your submission. See you merit it

In your conformity.

([During the following] LETOY, DIANA [and] JOYLESS, appear above.)

BYPLAY

Great sir, we shall. 856

In sign whereof we lacerate these papers

And lay our necks beneath your kingly feet.

PEREGRINE

Stand up, you have our favour. 857

DIANA

And mine too. 858

Never was such an actor as Extempore!

JOYLESS

You were best to fly out of the window to him. 859

DIANA

Methinks I am even light enough to do it. 860

JOYLESS

I could find in my heart to quoit thee at him. 861

DIANA

So he would catch me in his arms, I cared not. 862

LETOY

Peace both of you, or you’ll spoil all. 863

BYPLAY

Your grace 864

Abounds― abounds― your grace― I say, abounds.

LETOY

Pox o’ your mumbling chops. Is your brain dry? 865

Do you pump?

DIANA

He has done much, my lord, and may 866

Hold out a little.

LETOY

Would you could hold your peace 867

So long.

DIANA

Do you sneap me too, my lord? 868

JOYLESS

Ha, ha, ha! 869

LETOY

Blockhead! 870

JOYLESS

I hope his hotter zeal to’s actors 871

Will drive out my wife’s love-heat.

DIANA

I had 872

No need to come hither to be sneaped.

LETOY

Hoyday! 873

The rest will all be lost, we now give over

The play, and do all by extempore,

For your son’s good, to sooth him into’s wits.

If you’ll mar all, you may. Come nearer, coxcomb,

Ha’ you forgotten (puppy) my instructions

Touching his subjects and his marriage?

BYPLAY

I have all now, my lord. 874

PEREGRINE

What voice was that? 875

BYPLAY

A voice out of the clouds that doth applaud 876

Your highness’ welcome to your subjects’ loves.

LETOY

So, now he’s in. Sit still, I must go down 877

And set out things in order.

(Ex[its].)

BYPLAY

A voice that doth inform me of the tidings, 878

Spread through your kingdom, of your great arrival;

And of the general joy your people bring

To celebrate the welcome of their king.

([Shouts within.])

Hark how the country shouts with joyful votes,

Rending the air with music of their throats.

((Drum & trumpets.))

Hark how the soldier with his martial noise

Threatens your foes, to fill your crown with joys.

((Hautboys.))

Hark how the city with loud harmony

Chants a free welcome to your majesty.

((Soft music.))

Hark how the court prepares your grace to meet

With solemn music, state and beauty sweet.

(The soft music playing, ent[er] by two and two, divers COURTIERS, MARTHA after them, like a queen, between two boys in robes, her train borne up by BARBARA. All the LORDS kneel and kiss PEREGRINE’S hand. MARTHA approaching, he starts back, but is drawn on by BYPLAY and the DOCTOR. LETOY enters and mingles with the rest, and seems to instruct them all.)

DIANA

Oh, here’s a stately show! Look, Master Joyless: 879

Your daughter-in-law presented like a queen

Unto your son. I warrant now he’ll love her.

JOYLESS

A queen? 880

DIANA

Yes, yes, and Mistress Blaze is made 881

The mother of her maids, if she have any:

Perhaps the Antipodean court has none.

See, see, with what a majesty he receives ’em.

((Song))

Health, wealth, and joy our wishes bring,

All in a welcome to our king:

May no delight be found,

Wherewith he be not crowned

Apollo with the Muses,

Who arts divine infuses,

With their choice garlands deck his head;

Love and the Graces make his bed:

And to crown all, let Hymen to his side

Plant a delicious, chaste and fruitful bride.

BYPLAY

Now, sir, be happy in a marriage choice, 882

That shall secure your title of a king.

See, sir, your state presents to you the daughter,

The only child and heir apparent of

Our late deposed and deceased sovereign,

Who with his dying breath bequeathed her to you.

PEREGRINE

A crown secures not an unlawful marriage. 883

I have a wife already.

DOCTOR

No: you had, sir, 884

But she’s deceased.

PEREGRINE

How know you that? 885

DOCTOR

By sure advertisement; and that her fleeting spirit 886

Is flown into, and animates this princess.

PEREGRINE

Indeed she’s wondrous like her. 887

DOCTOR

Be not slack 888

T’embrace and kiss her, sir.

(He kisses her and retires.)

MARTHA

He kisses sweetly; 889

And that is more than e’er my husband did.

But more belongs than kissing to child-getting;

And he’s so like my husband, if you note him,

That I shall but lose time and wishes by him.

No, no, I’ll none of him.

BARBARA

I’ll warrant you he shall fulfil your wishes. 890

MARTHA

Oh, but try him you first and then tell me. 891

BARBARA

There’s a new way indeed to choose a husband! 892

Yet ’twere a good one to bar fool-getting.

DOCTOR

Why do you stand aloof, sir? 893

PEREGRINE

Mandeville writes 894

Of people near the Antipodes, called Gadlibriens,

Where on the wedding-night the husband hires

Another man to couple with his bride,

To clear the dangerous passage of a maidenhead.

DOCTOR

’Slid, he falls back again to Mandeville madness. 895

PEREGRINE

She may be of that serpentine generation 896

That stings oft-times to death (as Mandeville writes).

DOCTOR

She’s no Gadlibrien, sir, upon my knowledge. 897

You may as safely lodge with her, as with

A maid of our own nation. Besides,

You shall have ample counsel: for the present,

Receive her and entreat her to your chapel.

BYPLAY

For safety of your kingdom, you must do it. 898

(Hautboys[. PEREGRINE, MARTHA, BARBARA, the DOCTOR and the procession] exit in state, as LETOY directs. LETOY stays.)

LETOY

So, so, so, so. This yet may prove a cure. 899

DIANA

See my lord now is acting by himself. 900

LETOY

And Letoy’s wit cried up triumphant. Ho! 901

Come, Master Joyless and your wife, come down

Quickly, your parts are next. I had almost

Forgot to send my chaplain after them.

You, Domine , where are you?

(Enter QUAILPIPE in a fantastical shape.)

QUALPIPE

Here, my lord. 902

LETOY

What in that shape? 903

[QUALPIPE]

’Tis for my part, my lord, 904

Which is not all performed.

LETOY

It is, sir, and the play for this time. We 905

Have other work in hand.

QUALPIPE

Then have you lost 906

Action (I dare be bold to speak it) that

Most of my coat could hardly imitate.

LETOY

Go shift your coat, sir, or for expedition 907

Cover it with your own, due to your function.

Follies as well as vices may be hid so;

Your virtue is the same. Dispatch, and do

As Doctor Hughball shall direct you. Go.

((QUA[ILPIPE] exit[s, as] JOYLESS [and] DIANA enter..))

Now Master Joyless, do you note the progress

And the fair issue likely to ensue

In your son’s cure? Observe the doctor’s art.

First, he has shifted your son’s known disease

Of madness into folly; and has wrought him

As far short of a competent reason as

He was of late beyond it. As a man

Infected by some foul disease is drawn

By physic into an anatomy,

Before flesh fit for health can grow to rear him,

So is a madman made a fool before

Art can take hold of him to wind him up

Into his proper centre, or the medium

From which he flew beyond himself. The doctor

Assures me now, by what he has collected

As well from learned authors as his practice,

That his much troubled and confused brain

Will by the real knowledge of a woman,

Now opportunely ta’en, be by degrees

Settled and rectified with the helps beside

Of rest and diet, which he’ll administer.

DIANA

But ’tis the real knowledge of the woman, 908

Carnal, I think you mean, that carries it?

LETOY

Right, right. 909

DIANA

Nay, right or wrong, I could even wish, 910

If he were not my husband’s son, the doctor

Had made myself his recipe, to be

The means of such a cure.

JOYLESS

How, how? 911

DIANA

Perhaps that course might cure your madness too 912

Of jealousy, and set all right on all sides.

Sure, if I could but make him such a fool,

He would forgo his madness, and be brought

To Christian sense again.

JOYLESS

Heaven grant me patience 913

And send us to my country home again.

DIANA

Besides, the young man’s wife’s as mad as he. 914

What wise work will they make!

LETOY

The better, fear’t not. 915

Bab Blaze shall give her counsel; and the youth

Will give her royal satisfaction

Now in this kingly humour. I have a way

To cure your husband’s jealousy myself.

DIANA

Then I am friends again. Even now I was not, 916

When you sneaped me, my lord.

LETOY

That you must pardon. 917

Come Master Joyless. The new married pair

Are towards bed by this time; we’ll not trouble them

But keep a house-side to our selves. Your lodging

Is decently appointed.

JOYLESS

Sure your lordship 918

Means not to make your house our prison?

LETOY

By 919

My Lordship but I will, for this one night.

See sir, the keys are in my hand. You’re up,

As I am true Letoy. Consider, sir,

The strict necessity that ties you to’t,

As you expect a cure upon your son―――

Come, lady, see your chamber.

DIANA

I do wait 920

Upon your lordship.

JOYLESS

I both wait and watch. 921

Never was man so mastered by his match.

ACT FIVE

5.1

([Enter] JOYLESS with a light in his hand.)

JOYLESS

Diana! Ho! Where are you? She is lost. 922

Here is no further passage. All’s made fast.

This was the bawdy way, by which she ’scaped

My narrow watching. Have you privy posterns

Behind the hangings in your strangers’ chambers?

She’s lost from me for ever. Why then seek I?

Oh, my dull eyes! To let her slip so from ye,

To let her have her lustful will upon me!

Is this the hospitality of lords?

Why, rather, if he did intend my shame

And her dishonour, did he not betray me

From her out of his house, to travail in

The bare suspicion of their filthiness?

But hold me a nose-witness to its rankness?

No! This is sure the lordlier way; and makes

The act more glorious in my sufferings. O

([Kneels])

May my hot curses on their melting pleasures,

Cement them so together in their lust

That they may never part, but grow one monster.

(Enter BARBARA.)

BARBARA

Good gentleman! He is at his prayers now, 923

For his mad son’s good night-work with his bride.

Well fare your heart, sir: you have prayed to purpose;

But not all night I hope. Yet sure he has,

He looks so wild for lack of sleep.

([Aloud])

You’re happy, sir.

Your prayers are heard, no doubt, for I’m persuaded

You have a child got you tonight.

JOYLESS

Is’t gone 924

So far, do you think?

BARBARA

I cannot say how far. 925

Not fathom-deep, I think, but to the scantling

Of a child-getting, I dare well imagine.

For which, as you have prayed, forget not, sir,

To thank the lord o’th’ house.

JOYLESS

For getting me 926

A child? Why, I am none of his great lordship’s tenants

Nor of his followers, to keep his bastards.

Pray stay a little.

BARBARA

I should go tell my lord 927

The news: he longs to know how things do pass.

JOYLESS

Tell him I take it well, and thank him. 928

I did before despair of children, I.

But I’ll go wi’ye and thank him.

BARBARA

Sure his joy 929

Has madded him. Here’s more work for the doctor.

JOYLESS

[Withdrawing his dagger] But tell me first: were you their bawd that speak this?

BARBARA

What mean you with that dagger? 931

JOYLESS

Nothing, I 932

But play with’t. Did you see the passages

Of things? I ask: were you their bawd?

BARBARA

Their bawd? 933

I trust she is no bawd that sees and helps,

If need require, an ignorant lawful pair

To do their best.

JOYLESS

Lord’s actions all are lawful. 934

And how? And how?

BARBARA

These old folks love to hear. 935

[Aloud] I’ll tell you, sir―and yet I will not neither.

JOYLESS

Nay, pray thee out with’t. 936

BARBARA

Sir, they went to bed. 937

JOYLESS

To bed! Well, on. 938

BARBARA

On? They were off, sir, yet; 939

And yet a good while after. They were both

So simple, that they knew not what, nor how.

For she’s, sir, a pure maid.

JOYLESS

Who dost thou speak of? 940

BARBARA

I’ll speak no more, ’less you can look more tamely. 941

JOYLESS

Go bring me to ’em then. Bawd, will you go? 942

([He threatens her again with his dagger.])

BARBARA

Ah――― 943

(Enter BYPLAY, [who] holds JOYLESS.)

BYPLAY

What ail you, sir? Why bawd? Whose bawd is she? 944

JOYLESS

Your lord’s bawd and my wife’s. 945

BYPLAY

You are jealous mad. 946

Suppose your wife be missing at your chamber,

And my lord too at his: they may be honest.

If not, what’s that to her, or you, I pray,

Here in my lord’s own house?

JOYLESS

Brave, brave, and monstrous! 947

BYPLAY

She has not seen them. I heard all your talk. 948

The child she intimated is your grandchild

In posse sir, and of your son’s begetting.

BARBARA

Ay, I’ll be sworn I meant and said so too! 949

JOYLESS

Where is my wife? 950

BYPLAY

I can give no account. 951

If she be with my lord, I dare not trouble ’em.

Nor must you offer at it. No, nor stab yourself.

((Byp[lay] takes away his dagger.))

But come with me: I’ll counsel, or at least

Govern you better. She may be, perhaps,

About the bride-chamber to hear some sport,

For you can make her none, ’las, good old man—

JOYLESS

I’m most insufferably abused. 952

BYPLAY

Unless 953

The killing of yourself may do’t; and that

I would forbear, because perhaps ’twould please her.

JOYLESS

If fire or water, poison, cord or steel, 954

Or any means be found to do it, I’ll do it;

Not to please her, but rid me of my torment.

BYPLAY

I have more care and charge of you than so. 955

(JOY[LESS] and BYP[LAY] ex[it].)

BARBARA

What an old desperate man is this, to make 956

Away yourself for fear of being a cuckold!

If every man that is, or that but knows

Himself to be o’th’ order, should do so,

How many desolate widows would here be!

They are not all of that mind. Here’s my husband.

(Enter BLAZE with a habit in his hand.)

BLAZE

Bab! Art thou here? 957

BARBARA

Look well. How think’st thou, Tony? 958

Hast not thou neither slept to-night?

BLAZE

Yes, yes. 959

I lay with the butler. Who was thy bedfellow?

BARBARA

You know I was appointed to sit up. 960

BLAZE

Yes, with the doctor in the bride-chamber. 961

But had you two no waggery? Ha!

BARBARA

Why, 962

How now, Tony?

BLAZE

Nay, facks, I am not jealous. 963

Thou know’st I was cured long since, and how.

I jealous! I an ass. A man shan’t ask

His wife shortly how such a gentleman does,

Or how such a gentleman did or which did best,

But she must think him jealous.

BARBARA

You need not: for 964

If I were now to die on’t, nor the doctor,

Nor I came in a bed tonight. I mean

Within a bed.

BLAZE

Within or without, or over 965

Or under: I have no time to think o’ such poor things.

BARBARA

What’s that thou carriest, Tony? 966

BLAZE

Oh ho, Bab! 967

This is a shape.

BARBARA

A shape? What shape, I prithee, Tony? 968

BLAZE

Thou’lt see me in’t anon; but shalt not know me 969

From the stark’st fool i’th’ town. And I must dance

Naked in’t, Bab.

BARBARA

Will here be dancing, Tony? 970

BLAZE

Yes, Bab. My lord gave order for’t last night. 971

It should ha’ been i’th’ play, but because that

Was broke off, he will ha’t today.

BARBARA

Oh, Tony, 972

I did not see thee act i’th’ play.

BLAZE

Oh, but 973

I did though, Bab: two mutes.

BARBARA

What, in those breeches? 974

BLAZE

Fie fool, thou understand’st not what a mute is. 975

A mute is a dumb speaker in the play.

BARBARA

Dumb speaker! That’s a bull. Thou wert the bull 976

Then in the play. Would I had seen thee roar.

BLAZE

That’s a bull too, as wise as you are, Bab. 977

A mute is one that acteth speakingly,

And yet says nothing. I did two of them.

The sage man-midwife and the basket-maker.

BARBARA

Well, Tony, I will see thee in this thing. 978

And ’tis a pretty thing.

BLAZE

Prithee, good Bab, 979

Come in and help me on with’t in our tiring-house,

And help the gentlemen, my fellow dancers,

And thou shalt then see all our things, and all

Our properties and practice to the music.

BARBARA

Oh, Tony, come. I long to be at that. 980

([BLAZE and BARBARA] ex[i]t.)

5.2

([Enter] LETOY and DIANA.)

DIANA

My lord, your strength and violence prevail not. 981

There is a providence above my virtue

That guards me from the fury of your lust.

LETOY

Yet, yet, I prithee, yield. Is it my person 982

That thou despisest? See, here's wealthy treasure:

([A table set forth, covered with treasure.])

Jewels, that Cleopatra would have left

Her Marcus for.

DIANA

My lord, ’tis possible 983

That she who leaves a husband may be bought

Out of a second friendship.

LETOY

Had stout Tarquin 984

Made such an offer, he had done no rape,

For Lucrece had consented, saved her own,

And all those lives that followed in her cause.

DIANA

Yet then she had been a loser. 985

LETOY

Would’st have gold? 986

Mammon, nor Pluto’s self should overbid me,

For I’d give all. First, let me rain a shower

To outvie that which overwhelmed Danaë;

And after that another, a full river,

Shall from my chests perpetually flow

Into thy store.

DIANA

I have not much loved wealth, 987

But have not loathed the sight of it, till now

That you have soiled it with that foul opinion

Of being the price of virtue. Though the metal

Be pure and innocent in itself, such use

Of it is odious, indeed damnable,

Both to the seller and the purchaser.

Pity it should be so abused! It bears

A stamp upon’t, which but to clip is treason.

’Tis ill used there, where law the life controls;

Worse, where ’tis made a salary for souls.

LETOY

Deny’st thou wealth? Wilt thou have pleasure then, 988

Given and ta’en freely without all condition?

I’ll give thee such, as shall (if not exceed)

Be at the least, comparative with those

Which Jupiter got the demigods with; and

Juno was mad she missed.

DIANA

My lord, you may 989

Gloze o’er and gild the vice which you call pleasure

With god-like attributes, when it is, at best,

A sensuality, so far below

Dishonourable, that it is mere beastly;

Which reason ought to abhor; and I detest it

More than your former hated offers.

LETOY

Lastly, 990

Wilt thou have honour? I’ll come closer to thee:

For now the flames of love grow higher in me

And I must perish in them or enjoy thee.

Suppose I find by power, or law, or both,

A means to make thee mine, by freeing

Thee from thy present husband.

DIANA

Hold, stay there. 991

Now should you utter volumes of persuasions,

Lay the whole world of riches, pleasures, honours

Before me in full grant, that one, last word,

Husband, and from your own mouth spoke, confutes

And vilifies even all. The very name

Of husband, rightly weighed and well remembered,

Without more law or discipline, is enough

To govern womankind in due obedience,

Master all loose affections, and remove

Those idols, which too much, too many love,

And you have set before me to beguile

Me of the faith I owe him. But remember

You grant I have a husband; urge no more.

I seek his love. ’Tis fit he loves no whore.

LETOY

This is not yet the way. You have seen, lady, 992

My ardent love, which you do seem to slight,

Though to my death, pretending zeal to your husband.

My person nor my proffers are so despicable

But that they might (had I not vowed affection

Entirely to yourself) have met with th’ embraces

Of greater persons, no less fair, that can

Too, if they please, put on formality,

And talk in as divine a strain as you.

This is not earnest. Make my word but good

Now with a smile, I’ll give thee a thousand pound.

Look o’ my face―Come!―prithee look and laugh not―

Yes, laugh, an dar’st― Dimple this cheek a little;

I’ll nip it else.

DIANA

I pray forbear, my lord: 993

I’m past a child, and will be made no wanton.

LETOY

How can this be? So young, so vigorous, 994

And so devoted to an old man’s bed!

DIANA

That is already answered. He’s my husband. 995

You are old too, my lord.

LETOY

Yes, but of better mettle. 996

A jealous old man too, whose disposition

Of injury to beauty and young blood

Cannot but kindle fire of just revenge

In you, if you be woman, to requite

With your own pleasure his unnatural spite.

You cannot be worse to him than he thinks you,

Considering all the open scorns and jeers

You cast upon him, to a flat defiance;

Then the affronts I gave, to choke his anger;

And lastly your stol’n absence from his chamber,

All which confirms (we have as good as told him)

That he’s a cuckold. Yet you trifle time

As ’twere not worth the doing.

DIANA

Are you a lord? 997

Dare you boast honour and be so ignoble?

Did not you warrant me upon that pawn

(Which can take up no money) your blank honour,

That you would cure his jealousy, which affects him

Like a sharp sore, if I to ripen it

Would set that counterfeit face of scorn upon him,

Only in show of disobedience, which

You won me to upon your protestation

To render me unstained to his opinion

And quit me of his jealousy forever.

LETOY

No: not unstained, by your leave, if you call 998

Unchastity a stain. But for his yellows,

Let me but lie with you and let him know it,

His jealousy is gone, all doubts are cleared,

And for his love and good opinion,

He shall not dare deny’t. Come, be wise,

And this is all: all is as good as done

To him already: let’t be so with us;

And trust to me, my power and your own,

To make all good with him. If not: now mark—

To be revenged for my lost hopes (which yet

I pray thee save) I’ll put thee in his hands,

Now in his heat of fury, and not spare

To boast thou art my prostitute; and thrust ye

Out of my gates, to try’t out by yourselves.

DIANA

This you may do, and yet be still a lord; 999

This can I bear, and still be the same woman!

I am not troubled now: your wooing oratory,

Your violent hands (made stronger by your lust),

Your tempting gifts, and larger promises

Of honour and advancements were all frivolous;

But this last way of threats, ridiculous

To a safe mind, that bears no guilty grudge.

My peace dwells here, while yonder sits my judge,

And in that faith I’ll die.

LETOY

She is invincible! 1000

((Ent[er] JOYLESS and BYPLAY.))

Come I’ll relate you to your husband.

JOYLESS

No, 1001

I’ll meet her with more joy than I received

Upon our marriage day. My better soul,

Let me again embrace thee.

BYPLAY

Take your dudgeon, sir, 1002

I ha’ done you simple service.

JOYLESS

Oh, my lord, 1003

My lord, you have cured my jealousy. I thank you;

And more, your man, for the discovery;

But most the constant means, my virtuous wife,

Your medicine, my sweet lord.

LETOY

She has ta’en all 1004

I mean to give her, sir. Now sirrah, speak.

BYPLAY

I brought you to the stand from whence you saw 1005

How the game went.

JOYLESS

Oh my dear, dear Diana. 1006

BYPLAY

I seemed to do it against my will, by which I gained 1007

Your bribe of twenty pieces.

JOYLESS

Much good do thee. 1008

BYPLAY

But I assure you, my lord give me order 1009

To place you there, after it seems he had

Well put her to’t within.

JOYLESS

Stay, stay, stay, stay. 1010

Why may not this be then a counterfeit action,

Or a false mist to blind me with more error?

The ill I feared may have been done before,

And all this but deceit to daub it o’er.

DIANA

Do you fall back again? 1011

JOYLESS

Shugh, give me leave. 1012

BYPLAY

[Seizing the weapon out of JOYLESS'S hand] I must take charge, I see, o’th’ dagger again. 1013

LETOY

Come, Joyless, I have pity on thee. Hear me. 1014

I swear upon mine honour she is chaste.

JOYLESS

Honour! An oath of glass! 1015

LETOY

I prithee, hear me. 1016

I tried and tempted her for mine own ends,

More than for thine.

JOYLESS

That’s easily believed. 1017

LETOY

And had she yielded, I not only had 1018

Rejected her (for it was ne’er my purpose—

Heaven, I call thee to witness— to commit

A sin with her) but laid a punishment

Upon her, greater than thou could’st inflict.

JOYLESS

But how can this appear? 1019

LETOY

Do you know your father, lady? 1020

DIANA

I hope I am so wise a child. 1021

LETOY

Go call 1022

In my friend Truelock.

BYPLAY

Take your dagger, sir, 1023

Now I dare trust you.

LETOY

Sirrah, dare you fool 1024

When I am serious? Send in Master Truelock.

(BYP[LAY] exit[s].)

DIANA

That is my father’s name. 1025

JOYLESS

Can he be here? 1026

LETOY

Sir, I am neither conjurer nor witch, 1027

But a great fortune-teller that you’ll find

You are happy in a wife, sir, happier――yes

Happier by a hundred thousand pound

Than you were yesterday――

JOYLESS

So, so. Now he’s mad. 1028

LETOY

I mean in possibilities: provided that 1029

You use her well and never more be jealous.

JOYLESS

Must it come that way? 1030

LETOY

Look you this way, sir, 1031

When I speak to you. I’ll cross your fortune else,

As I am true Letoy.

JOYLESS

Mad, mad, he’s mad. 1032

Would we were quickly out on’s fingers yet.

LETOY

When saw you your wife’s father? Answer me? 1033

JOYLESS

He came for London four days before us. 1034

LETOY

’Tis possible he’s here then, do you know him? 1035

(Enter TRUELOCK.)

DIANA

Oh, I am happy in his sight. (She kneels.) Dear sir. 1036

LETOY

’Tis but so much knee-labour lost. Stand up, 1037

Stand up and mind me.

TRUELOCK

You are well met, son Joyless. 1038

JOYLESS

How have you been concealed, and in this house? 1039

Here’s mystery in this.

TRUELOCK

My good lord’s pleasure. 1040

LETOY

Know, sir, that I sent for him and for you, 1041

Instructing your friend, Blaze, my instrument

To draw you to my doctor with your son.

Your wife, I knew, must follow. What my end

Was in’t shall quickly be discovered to you

In a few words of your supposèd father.

DIANA

Supposèd father! 1042

LETOY

Yes. Come, Master Truelock, 1043

My constant friend of thirty years’ acquaintance,

Freely declare with your best knowledge now

Whose child this is.

TRUELOCK

Your honour does as freely 1044

Release me of my vow, then, in the secret

I locked up in this breast these seventeen years,

Since she was three days old?

LETOY

True, Master Truelock, 1045

I do release you of your vow: now speak.

TRUELOCK

Now she is yours, my lord, your only daughter. 1046

And know you, Master Joyless, for some reason

Known to my lord, and large reward to me,

She has been from the third day of her life

Reputed mine; and that so covertly

That not her lady mother nor my wife

Knew to their deaths the change of my dead infant

For this sweet lady. ’Tis most true we had

A trusty nurse’s help and secrecy,

Well paid for, in the carriage of our plot.

LETOY

Now shall you know what moved me, sir. I was 1047

A thing beyond a mad-man, like yourself

Jealous; and had that strong distrust, and fancied

Such proofs unto myself against my wife,

That I conceived the child was not mine own,

And scorned to father it; yet I gave to breed her

And marry her as the daughter of this gentleman

(Two thousand pound, I guess, you had with her).

But since your match, my wife upon her death-bed

So cleared herself of all my foul suspicions

(Blest be her memory) that I then resolved

By some quaint way (for I am still Letoy)

To see and try her throughly; and so much

To make her mine, as I should find her worthy.

And now thou art my daughter, and mine heir.

Provided still (for I am still Letoy)

You honourably love her, and defy

The cuckold-making fiend, foul jealousy.

JOYLESS

My lord, ’tis not her birth and fortune, which 1048

Do jointly claim a privilege to live

Above my reach of jealousy, shall restrain

That passion in me, but her well-tried virtue,

In the true faith of which I am confirmed,

And throughly cured.

LETOY

As I am true Letoy, 1049

Well said. I hope thy son is cured by this too.

([Enter BARBARA.])

Now, Mistress Blaze! Here is a woman now!

I cured her husband’s jealousy and twenty more

I’th’ town, by means I and my doctor wrought.

BARBARA

Truly, my lord, my husband has ta’en bread 1050

And drunk upon’t that, under heaven, he thinks,

You were the means to make me an honest woman,

Or (at the least) him a contented man.

LETOY

Ha’ done, ha’ done. 1051

BARBARA

Yes, I believe you have done! 1052

And if your husband, lady, be cured, as he should be,

And as all foolish jealous husbands ought to be,

I know what was done first, if my lord took

That course with you as me―――

LETOY

Prithee, what cam’st thou for? 1053

BARBARA

My lord, to tell you, as the doctor tells me, 1054

The bride and bridegroom, both, are coming on

The sweetliest to their wits again.

LETOY

I told you. 1055

BARBARA

Now you are a happy man, sir; and I hope 1056

A quiet man.

JOYLESS

Full of content and joy. 1057

BARBARA

Content! So was my husband, when he knew 1058

The worst he could by his wife. Now you’ll live quiet, lady.

LETOY

Why fliest thou off thus, woman, from the subject 1059

Thou wert upon?

BARBARA

I beg your honour’s pardon. 1060

And now I’ll tell you. Be it by skill or chance,

Or both, was never such a cure as is

Upon that couple! Now they strive which most

Shall love the other.

LETOY

Are they up and ready? 1061

BARBARA

Up! Up and ready to lie down again: 1062

There is no ho with them!

They have been in th’ Antipodes to some purpose,

And now are risen and returned themselves:

He’s her dear “Per” and she is his sweet “Mat”.

His kingship and her queenship are forgotten,

And all their melancholy and his travels passed

And but supposed their dreams.

LETOY

’Tis excellent. 1063

BARBARA

Now, sir, the doctor (for he is become 1064

An utter stranger to your son; and so

Are all about ’em) craves your presence

And such as he’s acquainted with.

LETOY

Go, sir. 1065

And go you, daughter.

BARBARA

Daughter! That’s the true trick 1066

Of all old whore-masters, to call their wenches

Daughters.

LETOY

Has he known you, friend Truelock, too? 1067

TRUELOCK

Yes, from his childhood. 1068

LETOY

Go, then, and possess him 1069

(Now he is sensible) how things have gone;

What art, what means, what friends have been employed

In his rare cure; and win him, by degrees

To sense of where he is. Bring him to me;

And I have yet an entertainment for him

(Of better settle-brain, then drunkard’s porridge)

To set him right. As I am true Letoy,

I have one toy left. Go.

((JOY[LESS, DIANA and TRUELOCK] ex[it].))

And go you. Why stay’st thou?

BARBARA

If I had been a gentlewoman born, 1070

I should have been your daughter too, my lord.

LETOY

But never as she is. You’ll know anon. 1071

BARBARA

Neat city-wives’ flesh yet may be as good 1072

As your course country gentlewoman’s blood.

(BAR[BARA] exit[s].)

LETOY

Go with thy flesh to Turnbull shambles! Ho! 1073

Within there!

(Ent[er] QUAILPIPE.)

QUALPIPE

Here, my lord. 1074

LETOY

The music, songs 1075

And dance I gave command for, are they ready?

QUALPIPE

All, my good lord: and (in good sooth) I cannot 1076

Enough applaud your honour’s quaint conceit

In the design; so apt, so regular,

So pregnant, so acute, and so withal

Poetice legitimate, as I

May say justly with Plautus―――

LETOY

Prithee say no more, 1077

But see upon my signal given they act

As well as I designed.

QUALPIPE

Nay, not so well, 1078

My exact lord; but as they may, they shall.

(Exit[s])

LETOY

I know no flatterer in my house but this, 1079

But for his custom I must bear with him.

’Sprecious! They come already.

([To offstage musicians])

Now begin.

(A solemn lesson upon the recorders.)

(Ent[er] TRUELOCK, JOYLESS and DIANA, PEREGRINE and MARTHA, DOCTOR and BARBARA.)

(LETOY meets them. TRUELOCK presents PEREGRINE and MARTHA to him; he salutes them.)

(They seem to make some short discourse. Then LETOY appoints them to sit.)

(PEREGRINE seems something amazed. The music ceases.)

LETOY

Again you are welcome, sir, and welcome all. 1080

PEREGRINE

I am what you are pleased to make me, but 1081

Withal so ignorant of mine own condition—

Whether I sleep, or wake, or talk, or dream;

Whether I be, or be not; or if I am,

Whether I do or do not any thing:

For I have had (if I now wake) such dreams,

And been so far transported in a long

And tedious voyage of sleep, that I may fear

My manners can acquire no welcome where

Men understand themselves.

LETOY

This is music! 1082

Sir, you are welcome; and I give full power

Unto your father and my daughter here, your mother,

To make you welcome.

PEREGRINE

How! Your daughter, sir? 1083

(JOYLESS whispers [to] PEREGRINE.)

DOCTOR

My lord, you’ll put him back again, if you 1084

Trouble his brain with new discoveries.

LETOY

Fetch him you on again then: pray are you 1085

Letoy or I?

JOYLESS

Indeed it is so, son. 1086

DOCTOR

I fear your show will but perplex him too. 1087

LETOY

I care not, sir, I’ll have it to delay 1088

Your cure awhile, that he recover soundly.

Come, sit again; again you are most welcome.

((A most untuneable flourish. Ent[er] DISCORD attended by FOLLY, JEALOUSY, MELANCHOLY and MADNESS.))

There's an unwelcome guest: uncivil Discord

That trains into my house her followers,

Folly and Jealousy, Melancholy

And Madness.

BARBARA

My husband presents Jealousy 1089

In the black-and-yellow jaundied suit there:

Half like man and t’other half like woman,

With one horn and ass-ear upon his head.

LETOY

Mark what they do: but, by the way, 1090

Conceive me this but show, sir, and device.

PEREGRINE

I think so. 1091

LETOY

How? Goes he back again now, doctor? Sheugh! 1092

(Song in untunable notes.)

DISCORD

Come forth my darlings, you that breed 1093

The common strifes that discord feed:

Come in the first place, my dear Folly;

Jealousy next, then Melancholy;

And last come Madness, thou art he

That bear’st th’ effects of all those three,

Lend me your aids, so Discord shall you crown,

And make this place a kingdom of our own.

(They dance. After a while they are broke off by a flourish, and the approach of HARMONY followed by MERCURY, CUPID, BACCHUS and APOLLO. DISCORD and her faction fall down.)

LETOY

See Harmony approaches, leading on, 1094

’Gainst Discord’s factions, four great deities:

Mercury, Cupid, Bacchus, and Apollo.

Wit against Folly, Love against Jealousy,

Wine against Melancholy, and ’gainst Madnesss, Health.

Observe the matter and the method.

PEREGRINE

Yes. 1095

LETOY

And how upon the approach of Harmony, 1096

Discord and her disorders are confounded.

(Song.)

HARMONY

Come Wit, come Love, come Wine, come Health, 1097

Maintainers of my commonwealth,

’Tis you make Harmony complete,

And from the spheres (her proper seat)

You give her power to reign on earth,

Where Discord claims a right by birth.

Then let us revel it while we are here,

And keep possession of this hemisphere.

(After a strain or two, DISCORD cheers up her faction. They all rise, and mingle in the dance with HARMONY and the rest. Dance.)

LETOY

Note there how Discord cheers up her disorders, 1098

To mingle in defiance with the virtues:

But soon they vanish and the mansion quit

((DISCORD [and her train] ex[it].))

Unto the gods of health, love, wine, and wit,

Who triumph in their habitation new,

Which they have taken, and assign to you;

In which they now salute you― bid you be

Of cheer; and for it, lay the charge on me.

(([HARMONY and her train] salute [PEREGRINE and] ex[it].))

And unto me you’re welcome, welcome all.

Meat, wine, and mirth shall flow, and what I see

Yet wanting in your cure, supplied shall be.

PEREGRINE

Indeed I find me well. 1099

MARTHA

And so shall I, 1100

After a few such nights more.

BARBARA

Are you there? 1101

MARTHA

Good Madam, pardon errors of my tongue. 1102

DIANA

I am too happy made to think of wrong. 1103

LETOY

We will want nothing for you that may please, 1104

Though we dive for it to th’ Antipodes.

[Epilogue]

DOCTOR

Whether my cure be perfect yet or no, 1105

It lies not in my doctorship to know.

Your approbation may more raise the man,

Then all the College of Physicians can;

And more health from your fair hands may be won,

Then by the strokings of the seventh son.

PEREGRINE

And from our travels in th’ Antipodes, 1106

We are not yet arrived from off the seas:

But on the waves of desp’rate fears we roam

Until your gentler hands do waft us home.