An Humorous Day’s Mirth

[Scene 1]

(Enter the Count Labervele in his shirt and night-gown with two jewels in his hand.)

LABERVELE

Yet hath the morning sprinkled thr’out the clouds 1

But half her tincture, and the soil of night

Sticks still upon the bosom of the air.

Yet sleep doth rest my love for nature’s debt,

And through her window and this dim twilight

Her maid, nor any waking I can see.

This is the holy green, my wife’s close walk,

— To which not any but herself alone

Hath any key, only that I have clapped

Her key in wax and made this counterfeit —

To the which I steal access

To work this rare and politic device.

Fair is my wife, and young and delicate,

Although too religious in the purist sort;

But pure religion being but mental stuff,

And sense, indeed, all for itself,

Is to be doubted; that, when an object comes

Fit to her humour, she will intercept

Religious letters sent unto her mind,

And yield unto the motion of her blood.

Here have I brought, then, two rich agates for her,

Graven with two posies of mine own devising,

For poets I’ll not trust, nor friends, nor any.

She longs to have a child, which yet, alas,

I cannot get, yet long as much as she,

And not to make her desperate, thus I write

In this fair jewel, though it simple be,

Yet ’tis mine own, that meaneth well enough:

Despair not of children,

Love with the longest;

When man is at the weakest,

God is at the strongest.

I hope ’tis plain and knowing. In this other, that I write:

God will reward her a thousandfold

That takes what age can, and not what age would.

I hope ’tis pretty and pathetical.

Well, even here

([Puts jewels down])

Lie both together till my love arise

And let her think you fall out of the skies.

I will to bed again.

(Exit.)

[Scene 2]

(Enter Lemot and Colinet.)

LEMOT

How like thou this morning, Colinet? What, shall we have a fair day?

COLINET

The sky hangs full of humour, and I think we shall have rain.

LEMOT

Why, rain is fair weather when the ground is dry and barren, especially when it rains humour, for then do men like hot sparrows and pigeons open all their wings ready to receive them.

COLINET

Why, then, we may chance to have a fair day, for we shall spend it with so humorous acquaintance as rains nothing but humour all their lifetime.

LEMOT

True, Colinet, over which will I sit like an old king in an old-fashion play, having his wife, his council, his children, and his fool about him, to whom he will sit and point very learnedly as followeth:

My council grave, and you my noble peers,

My tender wife, and you my children dear,

And thou my fool —

COLINET

Not meaning me, sir, I hope.

LEMOT

No, sir, but thus will I sit, as it were, and point out all my humorous companions.

COLINET

You shall do marvellous well, sir.

LEMOT

I thank you for your good encouragement. But, Colinet, thou shalt see Catalian bring me hither an odd gentleman presently to be acquainted withal, who in his manner of taking acquaintance will make us excellent sport.

COLINET

Why, Lemot, I think thou sendest about of purpose for young gallants to be acquainted withal, to make thyself merry in the manner of taking acquaintance.

LEMOT

By heaven I do, Colinet, for there is no better sport than to observe the complement, for that’s their word, complement, do you mark, sir?

COLINET

Yea, sir, but what humour hath this gallant in his manner of taking acquaintance?

LEMOT

Marry thus, sir: he will speak the very selfsame word to a syllable after him of whom he takes acquaintance, as if I should say, ‘I am marvellous glad of your acquaintance’, he will reply, ‘I am marvellous glad of your acquaintance’. ‘I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriage’; ‘I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriage’. So long as the complements of a gentleman last, he is your complete ape.

COLINET

Why, this is excellent.

LEMOT

Nay, sirrah, here’s the jest of it: when he is past this gratulation, he will retire himself to a chimney or a wall standing folding his arms thus; and go you and speak to him so far as the room you are in will afford you, you shall never get him from that most gentlemanlike set or behaviour.

COLINET

This makes his humour perfect. I would he would come once.

(Enter Catalian and Blanvel.)

LEMOT

See where he comes. Now must I say, Lupus est in fabula , for these Latin ends are part of a gentleman and a good scholar.

CATALIAN

Oh, good morrow Monsieur Lemot. Here is the gentleman you desired so much to be acquainted withal.

LEMOT

He is marvellous welcome. [To Blanvel] I shall be exceeding proud of your acquaintance.

BLANVEL

I shall be exceeding proud of your acquaintance.

LEMOT

I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriages.

BLANVEL

I have heard much good of your rare parts and fine carriages.

LEMOT

I shall be glad to be commanded by you.

BLANVEL

I shall be glad to be commanded by you.

LEMOT

I pray do not you say so.

BLANVEL

I pray do not you say so.

LEMOT

Well, gentlemen, this day let’s consecrate to mirth. And Colinet, you know, no man better, that you are mightily in love with lovely Martia, daughter to old Foyes.

COLINET

I confess it. Here are none but friends.

LEMOT

Well then, go to her this morning in Countess Moren’s name, and so perhaps you may get her company, though the old churl be so jealous that he will suffer no man to come at her but the vain gull Labesha for his living sake, and he, as yet, she will not be acquainted withal.

COLINET

Well, this I’ll do, whatsoever come on it.

LEMOT

Why nothing but good will come of it, ne’er doubt it man.

CATALIAN

He hath taken up his stand. Talk a little further and see an you can remove him.

LEMOT

I will, Catalian.

BLANVEL

I do, sir, very well, I warrant you.

LEMOT

You know the old Count Labervele hath a passing fair young lady, that is a passing foul Puritan?

BLANVEL

I know her very well, sir. She goes more like a milkmaid than a countess, for all her youth and beauty.

LEMOT

True, sir. Yet of her is the old Count so jealous that he will suffer no man to come at her. Yet I will find a means that two of us will have access to her, though before his face, which shall so heat his jealous humour till he be stark mad. But, Colinet, go you first to lovely Martia, for ’tis too soon for the old lord and his fair young lady to rise.

COLINET

Adieu , Monsieur Blanvel.

BLANVEL

Adieu , good Monsieur Colinet.

(Exit Colinet.)

LEMOT

Monsieur Blanvel, your kindness in this will bind me much to you.

BLANVEL

Monsieur Lemot, your kindness in this will bind me much to you.

LEMOT

I pray you do not say so, sir.

BLANVEL

I pray you do not say so sir.

LEMOT

Will’t please you to go in?

BLANVEL

Will’t please you to go in?

LEMOT

I will follow you.

BLANVEL

I will follow you.

LEMOT

It shall be yours.

BLANVEL

It shall be yours.

LEMOT

Kind Monsieur Blanvel.

BLANVEL

Kind Monsieur Lemot.

(Exeunt.)

[Scene 3]

(Enter Foyes and Martia and Labesha.)

FOYES

Come on, fair daughter, fall to your work of mind, and make your body fit to embrace the body of this gentleman’s, ’tis art: happy are they, say I.

LABESHA

I protest, sir, you speak the best that ever I heard.

FOYES

I pray, sir, take acquaintance of my daughter.

LABESHA

I do desire you of more acquaintance.

FOYES

[To Martia] Why dost not thou say ‘Yea, and I the same of you’?

MARTIA

That everybody says.

FOYES

Oh, you would be singular.

MARTIA

Single, indeed.

FOYES

‘Single, indeed’: that’s a pretty toy! Your betters, dame, bear double, and so shall you.

LABESHA

Exceeding pretty, did you mark it, forsooth?

MARTIA

What should I mark, forsooth?

LABESHA

Your bearing double, which equivocate is, and hath a fit allusion to a horse that bears double, for your good father means you shall endure your single life no longer, not in worse sense than bearing double, forsooth.

MARTIA

I cry you mercy, you know both belike.

LABESHA

Knowledge, forsooth, is like a horse and you, that can bear double. It nourisheth both bee and spider: the bee honeysuckle, the spider, poison. I am that bee.

MARTIA

I thought so by your stinging wit.

LABESHA

Lady, I am a bee without a sting, no way hurting any, but good to all, and before all, to your sweet self.

FOYES

Afore God, daughter, thou art not worthy to hear him speake. But who comes here?

(Enter Colinet.)

COLINET

God save you, sir.

FOYES

You are welcome, sir, for aught that I know yet.

COLINET

I hope I shall be so still, sir.

FOYES

What is your business, sir, and then I’ll tell you?

COLINET

Marry thus, sir, the Countess Moren entreats your fair daughter to bear her company this forenoon.

FOYES

This forenoon, sir? Doth my lord or lady send for her, I pray?

COLINET

My lady, I assure you.

FOYES

My lady, you assure me. Very well, sir. Yet that house is full of gallant gentlemen, dangerous thorns to prick young maids, I can tell you.

COLINET

There are none but honest and honourable gentlemen.

FOYES

All is one, sir, for that. I’ll trust my daughter with any man, but no man with my daughter, only yourself Monsieur Besha, whom I will entreat to be her guardian and to bring her home again.

COLINET

I will wait upon her, an it please you.

FOYES

No, sir, your weight upon her will not be so good. Here, Monsieur Besha, I deliver my daughter unto you a perfect maid, and so I pray you look well unto her.

COLINET

Farewell, Monsieur Foyes.

LABESHA

I warrant I’ll look unto her well enough. Mistress, will it please you to preambulate.

MARTIA

With all my heart.

(Exeunt.)

[Scene 4]

(Enter [Florila] the Puritan.)

FLORILA

What have I done? Put on too many clothes. 85

The day is hot, and I am hotter clad

Than might suffice health.

My conscience tells me that I have offended,

And I’ll put them off.

That will ask time that might be better spent.

One sin will draw another quickly so.

See how the Devil tempts. But what’s here?

([Picks up jewels])

Jewels?

How should these come here?

(Enter Labervele.)

LABERVELE

Good morrow, lovely wife. What hast thou there? 86

FLORILA

Jewels, my lord, which here I strangely found. 87

LABERVELE

That’s strange indeed. What, where none comes 88

But when yourself is here? Surely the heavens

Have rained thee jewels for thy holy life,

And using thy old husband lovingly,

Or else do fairies haunt this holy green,

As evermore mine ancestors have thought.

FLORILA

Fairies were but in times of ignorance, 89

Not since the true pure light hath been revealed.

And that they come from heaven I scarce believe.

For jewels are vain things. Much gold is given

For such fantastical and fruitless jewels,

And therefore heaven, I know, will not maintain

The use of vanity. Surely I fear

I have much sinned to stoop and take them up,

Bowing my body to an idle work.

The strength that I have had to this very deed

Might have been used to take a poor soul up

In the highway.

LABERVELE

You are too curious, wife. Behold your jewels. 90

What, methinks there’s posies written on them.

((Then he reads.))

Despair not of children,

Love with the longest;

When man is at the weakest,

God is at the strongest.

Wonderful rare and witty, nay, divine.

Why, this is heavenly comfort for thee, wife.

What is this other?

God will reward her a thousandfold

That takes what age can, and not what age would.

The best that ever I heard. No mortal brain,

I think, did ever utter such conceit

For good plain matter and for honest rhyme.

FLORILA

Vain poetry. I pray you burn them, sir. 91

LABERVELE

You are to blame, wife. Heaven hath sent you them 92

To deck yourself withal, like to yourself,

Not to go thus like a milkmaid.

Why there is difference in all estates

By all religion.

FLORILA

There is no difference. 93

LABERVELE

I prithee, wife, be of another mind 94

And wear these jewels and a velvet hood.

FLORILA

A velvet hood! O vain devilish device! 95

A toy made with a superfluous flap,

Which being cut off, my head were still as warm.

Diogenes did cast away his dish

Because his hand would serve to help him drink.

Surely these heathens shall rise up against us.

LABERVELE

Sure, wife, I think thy keeping always close, 96

Making thee melancholy, is the cause

We have no children, and therefore, if thou wilt,

Be merry and keep company i’ God’s name.

FLORILA

Sure, my lord, if I thought I should be rid 97

Of this same banishment of barrenness,

And use our marriage to the end it was made,

Which was for procreation, I should sin,

If by my keeping house I should neglect

The lawful means to be a fruitful mother;

And therefore if it please you I’ll use resort.

LABERVELE

God’s my passion, what have I done? Who would have thought her pureness would yield so soon to courses of temptations?

FLORILA

I know, my lord, ’tis true, but the lawful means must still be used.

LABERVELE

Yea, the lawful means indeed must still, but now I remember that lawful means is not abroad.

FLORILA

Well, well, I’ll keep the house still.

LABERVELE

Nay, hark you, lady, I would not have you think — marry, I must tell you this, if you should change the manner of your life, the world would think you changed religion too.

FLORILA

’Tis true, I will not go.

LABERVELE

Nay, if you have a fancy.

FLORILA

Yea, a fancy, but that’s no matter.

LABERVELE

Indeed, fancies are not for judicial and religious women.

(Enter Catalian like a scholar.)

CATALIAN

God save your lordship, and you, most religious lady.

LABERVELE

Sir, you may say God save us well indeed That thus are thrust upon in private walks.

CATALIAN

A slender thrust, sir, where I touched you not.

LABERVELE

Well, sir, what is your business?

CATALIAN

Why, sir, I have a message to my lady from Monsieur du Barte.

LABERVELE

To ‘your lady’? Well, sir, speak your mind to ‘your lady’.

FLORILA

You are very welcome, sir, and I pray how doth he?

CATALIAN

In health, madam, thanks be to God, commending his duty to your ladyship, and hath sent you a message which I would desire your honour to hear in private.

FLORILA

‘My ladyship’, and ‘my honor’! They be words which I must have you leave. They be idle words, and you shall answer for them truly. ‘My duty to you’, or ‘I desire you’, were a great deal better than ‘my ladyship’, or ‘my honour’.

CATALIAN

I thank you for your Christian admonition.

FLORILA

Nay, thank God for me. Come, I will hear your message with all my heart, and you are very welcome, sir.

LABERVELE

‘With all my heart, and you are very welcome, sir’, and go and talk with a young lusty fellow able to make a man’s hair stand upright on his head! What purity is there in this, trow you? Ha, what wench of the faculty could have been more forward? Well, sir, I will know your message.

CATALIAN

Why you shall, sir, if you be so desirous.

LABERVELE

Nay, sir, I am more than so desirous. Come, sir, study not for a new device now.

CATALIAN

Not I, my lord, this is both new and old. I am a scholar, and being spiritually inclined by your lady’s most godly life, I am to profess the ministry and to become her chaplain, to which end Monsieur du Barte hath commended me.

LABERVELE

Her chaplain, in the Devil’s name, fit to be vicar of hell!

FLORILA

My good head, what are you afraid of? He comes with a godly and neighbourly suit. What, think you his words or his looks can tempt me? Have you so little faith? If every word he spake were a serpent as subtle as that which tempted Eve, he cannot tempt me, I warrant you.

LABERVELE

Well answered for him, lady, by my faith. Well, hark you, I’ll keep your chaplain’s place yonder for a while, and at length put in one myself. (Enter Lemot. ) What, more yet? God’s my passion, whom do I see? The very imp of desolation, the minion of our King, whom no man sees to enter his house but he locks up his wife, his children, and his maids, for where he goes he carries his house upon his head like a snail. Now, sir, I hope your business is to me.

LEMOT

No, sir, I must crave a word with my lady.

LABERVELE

These words are intolerable, and she shall hear no more.

LEMOT

She must hear me speak.

LABERVELE

Must she, sir? Have you brought the King’s warrant for it?

LEMOT

I have brought that which is above kings.

LABERVELE

Why, every man for her sake is a Puritan. The Devil I think will shortly turn Puritan, or the Puritan will turn devil.

FLORILA

What have you brought, sir?

LEMOT

Marry this, madam. You know we ought to prove one another’s constancy, and I am come in all chaste and honourable sort to prove your constancy.

FLORILA

You are very welcome, sir, and I will abide your proof. It is my duty to abide your proof.

LABERVELE

You’ll bide his proof? It is your duty to bide his proof! How the devil will you bide his proof?

FLORILA

My good head, no otherwise than before your face in all honourable and religious sort. I tell you I am constant to you, and he comes to try whether I be so or no, which I must endure. Begin your proof, sir.

LEMOT

Nay, madam, not in your husband’s hearing, though in his sight, for there is no woman will show she is tempted from her constancy, though she be a little. Withdraw yourself, sweet lady.

([They withdraw.])

LABERVELE

Well, I will see though I do not hear. Women may be courted without offence, so they resist the courtier.

LEMOT

Dear and most beautiful lady, of all the sweet honest and honourable means to prove the purity of a lady’s constancy, kisses are the strongest. I will therefore be bold to begin my proof with a kiss.

FLORILA

No, sir, no kissing.

LEMOT

No kissing, madam? How shall I prove you then sufficiently not using the most sufficient proof? To flatter yourself by affection of spirit, when it is not perfectly tried, is sin.

FLORILA

You say well, sir. That which is truth is truth.

LEMOT

Then do you well, lady, and yield to the truth.

FLORILA

By your leave, sir, my husband sees. Peradventure it may breed an offence to him.

LEMOT

How can it breed an offence to your husband to see your constancy perfectly tried?

FLORILA

You are an odd man, I see. But first, I pray, tell me how kissing is the best proof of chaste ladies.

LEMOT

To give you a reason for that, you must give me leave to be obscure and philosophical.

FLORILA

I pray you be. I love philosophy well.

LEMOT

Then thus, madam: every kiss is made, as the voice is, by imagination and appetite, and as both those are presented to the ear in the voice, so are they to the silent spirits in our kisses.

FLORILA

To what spirit mean you?

LEMOT

To the spirits of our blood.

FLORILA

What if it do?

LEMOT

Why then, my imagination and mine appetite working upon your ears in my voice, and upon your spirits in my kisses, piercing therein the more deeply, they give the stronger assault against your constancy.

FLORILA

Why then, to say, ‘prove my constancy’, is as much as to say, ‘kiss me’.

LEMOT

Most true, rare lady.

FLORILA

Then prove my constancy.

LEMOT

Believe me, madam, you gather exceeding wittily upon it.

([Kisses her])

LABERVELE

Oh my forehead, my very heart aches at a blow! [Aloud] What dost thou mean, wife? Thou wilt lose thy fame, discredit thy religion, and dishonour me forever.

FLORILA

Away, sir, I will abide no more of your proof, nor endure any more of your trial.

LEMOT

Oh, she dares not, she dares not. I am as glad I have tried your purity as may be. You, the most constant lady in France? I know an hundred ladies in this town that will dance, revel all night amongst gallants, and in the morning go to bed to her husband as clear a woman as if she were new christened, kiss him, embrace him, and say, ‘no, no, husband, thou art the man’, and he takes her for the woman.

FLORILA

And all this can I do.

LABERVELE

Take heed of it, wife.

FLORILA

Fear not, my good head, I warrant you, for him.

LEMOT

Nay, madam, triumph not before the victory. How can you conquer that against which you never strive, or strive against that which never encounters you? To live idle in this walk, to enjoy this company, to wear this habit, and have no more delights than those will afford you, is to make Virtue an idle housewife, and to hide herself in slothful cobwebs that still should be adorned with actions of victory. No, madam, if you will unworthily prove your constancy to your husband, you must put on rich apparel, fare daintily, hear music, read sonnets, be continually courted, kiss, dance, feast, revel all night amongst gallants. Then if you come to bed to your husband with a clear mind and a clear body, then are your virtues ipsissima , then have you passed the full test of experiment, and you shall have an hundred gallants fight thus far in blood for the defence of your reputation.

LABERVELE

O vanity of vanities!

FLORILA

Oh husband, this is perfect trial indeed.

LABERVELE

And you will try all this now, will you not?

FLORILA

Yea, my good head, for it is written, we must pass to perfection through all temptation, Habbakuk the fourth.

LABERVELE

Habbakuk? Cuck me no cucks! In a’ doors, I say. Thieves, Puritans, murderers! In a’ doors, I say.

(Exit [with Florila].)

LEMOT

So now is he stark mad, i’faith. But, sirrah, as this is an old lord jealous of his young wife, so is ancient Countess Moren jealous of her young husband. We’ll thither to have some sport, i’faith.

(Exeunt.)

[Scene 5]

(Enter Labesha hanging upon Martia’s sleeve, and the Lord Moren comes to them.)

MOREN

I prithee, Besha, keep a little off. 170

Hang not upon her shoulders thus for shame.

LABESHA

My Lord, pardonnez-moi , I must not let her talk alone with anyone, for her father gave me charge.

MOREN

Oh, you are a goodly charger for a goose.

LABESHA

A goose! You are a gander to call me goose. I am a Christian gentleman as well as you.

MOREN

Well, sirrah, get you hence, or by my troth I’ll have thee taken out in a blanket, tossed from forth our hearing.

LABESHA

In a blanket? What, do you make a puppy of me? By skies and stones, I will go and tell your lady.

(Exit.)

MOREN

Nay, but Besha —

MARTIA

Nay, he will tell, my lord.

(Enter the Countess Moren and Labesha.)

COUNTESS

Why, how now, my lord. What, thought you I was dead, that you are wooing of another thus, or are you laying plots to work my death?

MOREN

Why neither, sweet bird. What need you move these questions unto me, whom you know loves you above all the women in the world?

COUNTESS

How he can flatter now he hath made a fault.

LABESHA

He can do little, an he cannot cog.

MOREN

Out, you ass.

COUNTESS

Well, come tell me what you did entreat.

MOREN

Nothing, by heaven, sweet bird, I swear, but to entreat her love —

COUNTESS

But to entreat her love!

MOREN

Nay, hear me out.

COUNTESS

Nay here you are out. You are out too much, methinks, and put me in —

MOREN

And put you in?

COUNTESS

In a fair taking, sir, I mean.

MOREN

Oh, you may see what hasty taking is. You women evermore scramble for our words, and never take them mannerly from our mouths.

COUNTESS

Come, tell me what you did entreat.

MOREN

I did entreat her love to Colinet.

COUNTESS

To Colinet? Oh, he is your dear cousin, and your kind heart, i’faith, is never well but when you are doing good for every man. Speak, do you love me?

MOREN

I’faith, sweet bird.

COUNTESS

Best of all others?

MOREN

Best of all others.

COUNTESS

That’s my good bird, i’faith.

LABESHA

Oh, mistress, will you love me so?

MARTIA

No, by my troth, will I not.

LABESHA

‘No, by my troth, will I not’? Why, that’s well said. I could never get her to flatter me yet.

(Enter Lemot, Blanvel, and Catalian, and Colinet.)

LEMOT

Good morrow, my good lord, and these passing lovely ladies.

COUNTESS

So now we shall have all manner of flattering with Monsieur Lemot.

LEMOT

You are all manner of ways deceived, madam, for I am so far from flattering you, that I do not a whit praise you.

COUNTESS

Why do you call us passing lovely then?

LEMOT

Because you are passing from your loveliness.

MARTIA

Madam, we shall not have one mot of Monsieur Lemot, but it shall be as it were a moat to drown all our conceit in admiration.

LEMOT

See what a mote her quick eye can spy in mine, before she looks in it.

MARTIA

So mote I thee, thine answer is as good as mought be.

LEMOT

Here’s a poor name run out of breath quickly.

COUNTESS

Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name is run out of breath at every word you speak.

LEMOT

That’s because my name signifies ‘word’.

MARTIA

Well hit, Monsieur Verbum .

LEMOT

What, are you good at Latin, lady?

MARTIA

No, sir, but I know what verbum is.

LEMOT

Why, ’tis green bum: vert is green, and you know what bum is, I am sure of that.

MARTIA

No, sir, ’tis a verb, and I can decline you.

LEMOT

That you can, I’ll be sworn.

MARTIA

What can I do?

LEMOT

Decline me, or take me a hole lower, as the proverb is.

MARTIA

Nay, sir, I mean plain grammatical declination.

LEMOT

Well, let’s hear your scholarship, and decline me.

MARTIA

I will, sir, moto, motas .

LABESHA

Oh excellent! She hath called him ass in Latin.

LEMOT

Well, sir, forward.

MARTIA

Nay, there’s enough to try both our scholarships

LEMOT

Moto, motas . Nay, faith, forward to motavi , or motandi .

MARTIA

Nay, sir, I’ll leave when I am well.

COUNTESS

Why, Monsieur Lemot, your name being in word general, is in ninny, or in hammer, or in cock, or in buzzard.

LEMOT

Or in wagtail, or in woodcock, or in dotterel, or in dizzard.

MARTIA

Or in clot, or in head, or in cow, or in baby.

LEMOT

Or in malkin, or in trash, or in pap, or in lady.

COUNTESS

Or, indeed, in everything.

LEMOT

Why, then ’tis in thing.

MARTIA

Then, good Monsieur Thing, there let it rest.

LEMOT

Then, above all things, I must have a word with you.

LABESHA

Hands off, sir, she is not for your mowing.

LEMOT

She is for your mocking.

LABESHA

An she mock me, I’ll tell her father.

LEMOT

That’s a good child, thou smellest of the mother, and she was a fool, I warrant you.

LABESHA

Meddle with me, but do not meddle with my mother.

LEMOT

That’s a good child. [To Martia] Come, I must needs have a word with you.

([They withdraw.])

LABESHA

You shall do none of your needs with her, sir.

CATALIAN

Why, what will you do?

LABESHA

What will I do? You shall see what I’ll do.

(Then he offereth to draw [his sword].)

BLANVEL

Go to, you ass! Offer to draw here, and we’ll draw thee out of the house by the heels.

LABESHA

What, three against one? Now was ever proper hard-favoured gentleman so abused? Go to, Mistress Martia, I see you well enough. Are you not ashamed to stand talking alone with such a one as he?

LEMOT

How, sir? With such a one as I, sir?

LABESHA

Yea, sir, with such a one as you, sir.

LEMOT

Why, what am I?

LABESHA

What are you, sir? Why, I know you well enough.

LEMOT

Sirrah, tell me what you know me for, or else by heaven I’ll make thee better thou hadst never known how to speak.

LABESHA

Why, sir, if you will needs know, I know you for an honourable gentleman and the King’s minion, and were it not to you, there’s ne’er a gentleman in Paris should have had her out of my hands.

MARTIA

Nay, he’s as tall a gentleman of his hands as any is in Paris.

COLINET

There’s a favour for you, sir.

LEMOT

But I can get no favour for you, sir.

BLANVEL

I pray, my lord, entreat for your cousin Colinet.

MOREN

Alas, man, I dare not for my wife.

CATALIAN

Why, my lord, she thinks it is for nothing, but to speak for your cousin.

MOREN

I pray you, bird, give me leave to speak for my cousin.

COUNTESS

I am content for him.

MOREN

Then one word with you more, courteous Lady Martia.

LABESHA

Not an you were my father!

MOREN

Gentlemen, for God’s sake thrust this ass out of the doors.

([Moren moves to Martia.])

LEMOT

Nay, by’rlady, he’ll run home and tell her father.

CATALIAN

Well, go to her. I warrant he shall not trouble you. [To Labesha] Kind gentleman, how we dote on thee. Embrace him, gentlemen.

BLANVEL

Oh, sweet Besha, how we honour thee.

COLINET

Nay gentlemen, look what a piercing eye he hath.

LABESHA

An eye? I have an eye an it were a pole-cat.

CATALIAN

Nay, look what a nose he hath.

LABESHA

My nose is neat crimson.

BLANVEL

Nay, look what a handsome man he is. O Nature, Nature,

Thou never madest man of so pure a feature.

LABESHA

Truly, truly, gentlemen, I do not deserve this kindness.

CATALIAN

Oh lord, sir, you are too modest. Come shall we walk?

LABESHA

Whither? To the alehouse?

LEMOT

Hark you, madam, have you no more care of the right of your husband, than to let him talk thus affectionately with another?

COUNTESS

Why, he speaks not for himself, but for his cousin Colinet.

LEMOT

God’s my life! He tells you so. Nay, an these excuses may serve I have done.

COUNTESS

By the mass, now I observe him, he looks very suspiciously indeed. Ne’er trust me if his lookes and his gesture do not plainly show himself to swear, ‘By this light, I do love thee’.

LEMOT

By’rlady, madam, you guess shrewdly indeed. But hark you, madam, I pray let not me be the author of discord between my good lord and you.

COUNTESS

No, no, Monsieur Lemot, I were blind if I could not see this. I’ll slit her nose, by Jesus.

([Starting for Martia.])

MOREN

How now, what’s the matter?

COUNTESS

What’s the matter? If I could come at your mistress, she should know what’s the matter.

MOREN

My mistress?

COUNTESS

Yea, your mistress. Oh, here’s fair dissimulation! [To Martia] Oh, ye impudent gossip, do I send for you to my house to make you my companion, and do you use me thus? Little dost thou know what ’tis to love a man truly, for if thou didst, thou wouldst be ashamed to wrong me so.

MARTIA

You wrong me, madam, to say I wrong you.

COUNTESS

Go to, get you out of my house.

MARTIA

I am gone, madam.

([Makes as if to leave.])

MOREN

Well, come in, sweet bird and I’ll persuade thee there’s no harm done.

COUNTESS

Well, we shall hear your persuasions.

([Exeunt Countess and Moren.])

LEMOT

Well, God knows and I can partly guess what he must do to persuade her. Well, take your fair charge, fair and manly Lord Monsieur Labesha.

COLINET

One word with you more, fair lady.

LEMOT

Not a word. No man on pain of death, not a word. He comes upon my rapier’s point, that comes within forty foot on her.

LABESHA

Thanks, good Lemot, and thanks gentlemen all, and her father shall thank you.

([Exeunt Labesha and Martia.])

COLINET

Much good do it you, sir. Come, gentlemen, let’s go wait upon the King, and see the humour of the young Lord Dowsecer.

LEMOT

Excuse me to the King, and tell him I will meet him there. [Exeunt Colinet, Catalian and Blanvel.] So, this is but the beginning of sport between this fine lord and his old lady. But this wench Martia hath happy stars reigned at the disposition of her beauty, for the King himself doth mightily dote on her. Now to my Puritan, and see if I can make up my full proof of her.

([Exit.])

[Scene 6]

(Enter [Florila] the Puritan in her best attire.)

FLORILA

Now am I up and ready. Ready? Why? 296

Because my clothes once on, that call we ready.

But readiness I hope hath reference

To some fit action for our several state.

For when I am attired thus, countess-like,

’Tis not to work, for that befits me not.

’Tis on some pleasure, whose chief object is

One man’s content, and he my husband is.

But what need I thus be attired,

For that he would be pleased with meaner weed?

Besides, I take no pleasure thus to please him

I am content, because it is my duty

To keep to him, and not to seek no further.

But if that pleasure be a thing that makes

The time seem short, if it do laughter cause,

If it procure the tongue but heartily

To say, ‘I thank you’, I have no such thing,

Nor can the godliest woman in the world

against her nature please her sense or soul.

She may say, ‘this I will’, or ‘this I will not’.

But what shall she reap hereby?

Comfort in another world, if she will stay till then.

(Enter [Labervele] her husband behind her.)

LABERVELE

Yea, marry, sir, now I must look about. 297

Now if her desolate prover come again,

Shall I admit him to make farther trial?

I’ll have a dialogue between myself

And manly reason to that special end:

‘Reason, shall I endure a desolate man to come

And court my wife, and prove her constancy?’

Reason: ‘To court and prove her you may bear, my lord,

For perfect things are not the worse for trial.

Gold will not turn to dross for deepest trial’.

Before God a comfortable saying.

Thanks, gentle Reason, I’ll trouble you no more.

[Aloud] God save, sweet wife. Look up, thy tempter comes.

FLORILA

Let him, my lord. I hope I am more blessed 298

Than to relent in thought of lewd suggestion.

LABERVELE

But if by frailty you should yield in thought, 299

What will you do?

FLORILA

Then shall you keep me close, 300

And never let me see man but your self.

If not, then boldly may I go abroad.

LABERVELE

But how shall I know whether you yield or no? 301

FLORILA

Hear us yourself, my lord. 302

LABERVELE

Tut, that were gross, 303

For no woman will yield in her husband’s hearing.

FLORILA

Then to assure you if I yield or no, 304

Mark but these signs: as he is proving me,

If I do yield, you shall perceive my face

Blush and look pale, and put on heavy looks.

If I resist, I will triumph, and smile,

And when I hold but up my finger,

Stop his vain lips, or thrust him on the breast,

Then is he overthrown both horse and foot.

LABERVELE

Why, this doth satisfy me mightily. 305

([Enter Lemot.])

See, he is come.

LEMOT

Honour to my good lord and his fair young lady. 306

LABERVELE

Now, Monsieur Satan, you are come to tempt 307

And prove at full the spirit of my wife.

LEMOT

I am, my lord, but vainly, I suppose. 308

LABERVELE

You see she dares put on this brave attire, 309

Fit with the fashion, which you think serves much

To lead a woman into light desires.

LEMOT

My lord, I see it, and the sight thereof 310

Doth half dismay me to make further proof.

LABERVELE

Nay, prove her, prove her, sir, and spare not. 311

What, doth the witty minion of our King

Think any dame in France will say him nay?

But prove her, prove her, sir, and spare not.

LEMOT

Well, sir, though half discouraged in my coming, 312

Yet I’ll go forward. Lady, by your leave.

([He crosses to Florila.])

FLORILA

Now, sir, your cunning in a lady’s proof. 313

LEMOT

Madam, in proving you I find no proof 314

Against your piercing glancings,

But swear I am shot thorough with your love.

FLORILA

I do believe you. Who will swear he loves 315

To get the thing he loves not? If he love,

What needs more perfect trial?

LEMOT

Most true rare lady. 316

FLORILA

Then are we fitly met. I love you too. 317

LEMOT

Exceeding excellent. 318

FLORILA

Nay, I know you will applaud me in this course. 319

But to let common circumstances pass,

Let us be familiar.

LEMOT

Dear life, you ravish my conceit with joy. 320

LABERVELE

I long to see the signs that she will make. 321

FLORILA

I told my husband I would make these signs: 322

If I resisted, first, hold up my finger,

As if I said, ‘i’faith, sir, you are gone’,

But it shall say, ‘i’faith, sir, we are one’.

LABERVELE

Now she triumphs and points to heaven, I warrant you. 323

FLORILA

Then must I seem as if I would hear no more 324

And stop your vain lips.

Go, cruel lips, you have bewitched me, go.

LABERVELE

Now she stops in 325

His scornèd words and rates him for his pains.

FLORILA

And when I thrust you thus against the breast, 326

Then are you overthrown both horse and foot.

LABERVELE

Now is he overthrown both horse and foot. 327

FLORILA

[Aloud] Away, vain man, have I not answered you? 328

LEMOT

Madam, I yield and swear I never saw 329

So constant nor so virtuous a lady.

LABERVELE

[To Lemot] Now, speak, I pray, and speak but truly, 330

Have you not got a wrong sow by the ear?

LEMOT

My lord, my labour is not altogether lost, 331

For now I find that which I never thought.

LABERVELE

Ah, sirrah, is the edge of your steel wit 332

Rebated then against her adamant?

LEMOT

It is, my lord. Yet one word more, fair lady. 333

LABERVELE

Fain would he have it do, and it will not be.

FLORILA

Lend him my handkerchief to wipe his lips of their last disgrace.

LABERVELE

Excellent good. Go forward, sir, I pray.

FLORILA

[To Lemot] Another sign, i’faith, love, is required. 337

LEMOT

Let him have signs enough, my heavenly love. 338

Then know there is a private meeting

This day at Verone’s ordinary,

Where if you will do me the grace to come,

And bring the beauteous Martia with you,

I will provide a fair and private room,

Where you shall be unseen of any man,

Only of me, and of the King himself,

Whom I will cause to honour your repair

With his high presence,

And there with music and quick revellings

You may revive your spirits so long time dulled.

FLORILA

I’ll send for Martia then, and meet you there, 339

And tell my husband I will lock myself

In my close walk till supper-time.

[Aloud] We pray, sir, wipe your lips of the disgrace

They took in their last labour.

LEMOT

[Going] Marry, the Devil was never so despited. 340

LABERVELE

Nay, stay, sir. 341

LEMOT

No, no, my Lord, you have the constantest wife that ever — well, I’ll say no more.

(Exit.)

LABERVELE

Never was minion so disminionèd. 343

Come, constancy, come, my girl, I’ll leave thee

Loose to twenty of them, i’faith.

(Then he sighs.)

FLORILA

Come, my good head, come. 344

(Exeunt.)

[Scene 7]

(Enter the King and all the lords [Lemot and Catalian], with the trumpets.)

KING

Why sound these trumpets, in the Devil’s name? 345

CATALIAN

To show the King comes. 346

KING

To show the King comes? 347

Go hang the trumpeters. They mock me boldly,

And every other thing that makes me known,

Not telling what I am, but what I seem:

A king of clouts, a scarecrow, full of cobwebs,

Spiders and earwigs, that sets jackdaw’s long tongue

In my bosom and upon my head.

And such are all the affections of love

Swarming in me, without command or reason.

LEMOT

How now, my liege! What, quagmired in philosophy, 348

Bound with love’s whipcord, and quite robbed of reason?

And I’ll give you a receipt for this presently.

KING

Peace, Lemot. They say the young Lord Dowsecer 349

Is rarely learned, and nothing lunatic

As men suppose,

But hateth company and worldly trash.

The judgement and the just contempt of them

Have in reason arguments that break affection,

As the most sacred poets write, and still the roughest wind.

And his rare humour come we now to hear.

LEMOT

Yea, but hark you, my liege, I’ll tell you a better humour than that. Here presently will be your fair love, Martia, to see his humour, and from thence, fair countess Florila and she will go unto Verone's ordinary, where none but you and I and Count Moren will be most merry.

KING

Why, Count Moren, I hope, dares not adventure into any woman’s company but his wife’s.

LEMOT

Yes, as I will work, my liege, and then let me alone to keep him there till his wife comes.

KING

That will be royal sport. (Enter Labervele, Labesha, and all the rest [the Countess, Moren, Foyes, Martia and Florila].) See where all comes. Welcome, fair lords and ladies.

LABERVELE

My liege, you are welcome to my poor house.

LEMOT

[Presenting Labesha] I pray, my liege, know this gentleman especially. He is a gentleman born, I can tell you.

KING

With all my heart. What might I call your name?

LABESHA

Monsieur Labesha, Seigneur de Foulasa.

KING

De Foulasa? An ill-sounding baronry, of my word. But to the purpose. Lord Labervele, we are come to see the humour of your rare son, which by some means I pray let us partake.

LABERVELE

Your highness shall too unworthily partake the sight which I with grief and tears daily behold, seeing in him the end of my poor house.

KING

You know not that, my lord. Your wife is young, and he perhaps hereafter may be moved to more society.

LABERVELE

Would to God he would, that we might do to your crown of France more worthy and more acceptable service.

KING

Thanks, good my lord. See where he appears. (Enter Lavel with a picture, and a pair of large hose, and a codpiece, and a sword.) Say, Lavel, where is your friend, the young Lord Dowsecer?

LAVEL

I look, my liege, he will be here anon, but then I must entreat your majesty and all the rest to stand unseen, for he as yet will brook no company.

KING

We will stand close, Lavel, but wherefore bring you this apparel, that picture, and that sword?

LAVEL

To put him, by the sight of them, in mind of their brave states that use them, or that at the least of the true use they should be put unto.

KING

Indeed, the sense doth still stir up the soul, and though these objects do not work, yet it is very probable in time she may. At least, we shall discern his humour of them.

(Enter Dowsecer.)

LEMOT

See where he comes contemplating. Stand close.

DOWSECER

Quid ei potest videri magnum in rebus humanis cui aeternitas omnis totiusque nota sit mundi magnitudo .

‘What can seem strange to him on earthly things

To whom the whole course of eternity,

And the round compass of the world is known?’

A speech divine, but yet I marvel much

How it should spring from thee, Mark Cicero,

That sold for glory the sweet peace of life,

And made a torment of rich nature’s work,

Wearing thyself by watchful candle-light,

When all the smiths and weavers were at rest,

And yet was gallant, ere the day bird sung,

To have a troop of clients at thy gates,

Armed with religious supplications,

Such as would make stern Minos laugh to read.

Look on our lawyers’ bills: not one contains

Virtue or honest drifts, but snares, snares, snares.

For acorns now no more are in request;

But when the oak’s poor fruit did nourish men,

Men were like oaks of body, tough, and strong.

Men were like giants then, but pygmies now,

Yet full of villainies as their skin can hold.

LEMOT

How like you this humour, my liege? 369

KING

This is no humour; this is but perfect judgement. 370

COUNTESS

Is this a frenzy? 371

MARTIA

Oh were all men such, 372

Men were no men but gods, this earth a heaven.

DOWSECER

[Noticing the sword] See, see, the shameless world, 373

That dares present her mortal enemy

With these gross ensigns of her lenity,

Iron and steel, uncharitable stuff,

Good spital-founders, enemies to whole skins,

As if there were not ways enough to die

By natural and casual accidents,

Diseases, surfeits, brave carouses,

Old aqua-vitae , and too base wines,

And thousands more. Hence with this art of murder!

([Noticing the hose and codpiece])

But here is goodly gear, the soul of man,

For ’tis his better part. Take away this,

And take away their merits and their spirits.

Scarce dare they come in any public view

Without this countenance-giver,

And some dares not come, because they have it, too,

For they may sing, in written books they find it.

What is it then, the fashion or the cost?

The cost doth match, but yet the fashion more,

For let it be but mean, so in the fashion,

And ’tis most gentleman-like. Is it so?

Make a hand in the margin, and burn the book,

A large hose and a codpiece makes a man.

A codpiece, nay indeed, but hose must down.

Well for your gentle forgers of men,

And for you come to wrest me into fashion,

I’ll wear you thus, and sit upon the matter.

LABERVELE

And so he doth despise our purposes. 374

CATALIAN

Bear with him yet, my lord, he is not resolved. 375

LAVEL

I would not have my friend mock worthy men, 376

For the vain pride of some that are not so.

DOWSECER

I do not here deride difference of states, 377

No, not in show, but wish that such as want show

Might not be scorned with ignorant Turkish pride,

Being pompous in apparel and in mind

Nor would I have with imitated shapes

Men make their native land the land of apes,

Living like strangers when they be at home,

And so perhaps bear strange hearts to their home;

Nor look a-snuff like a piannet’s tail,

For nothing but their curls and formal locks,

When, like to cream bowls, all their virtues swim

In their set faces, all their in-parts then

Fit to serve peasants or make curds for daws.

[Noticing the picture] But what a stock am I thus to neglect

This figure of man’s comfort, this rare piece?

LABERVELE

Heavens grant that make him more humane, and sociable. 378

KING

Nay, he’s more humane than all we are. 379

LABERVELE

I fear he will be too sharp to that sweet sex. 380

DOWSECER

She is very fair. I think that she be painted. 381

An if she be, sir, she might ask of me,

‘How many is there of our sex that are not?’

’Tis a sharp question. Marry and I think

They have small skill. If they were all of painting,

’Twere safer dealing with them. And indeed.

Were their minds strong enough to guide their bodies,

Their beauteous deeds should match with their heavenly looks,

’Twere necessary they should wear them.

An would they vouchsafe it, even I

Would joy in their society.

MARTIA

And who would not die with such a man? 382

DOWSECER

But to admire them as our gallants do, 383

‘Oh, what an eye she hath! Oh, dainty hand!

Rare foot and leg!’ and leave the mind respectless.

This is a plague that, in both men and women,

Make such pollution of our earthly being.

Well, I will practise yet to court this piece.

LABERVELE

Oh, happy man, now have I hope in her. 384

KING

Methinks I could endure him days and nights. 385

DOWSECER

Well, sir, now thus must I do, sir, ere it come to women. ‘Now, sir’ — a plague upon it, ’tis so ridiculous I can no further. What poor ass was it that set this in my way? Now if my father should be the man — [Sees Labervele] God’s precious coals, ’tis he!

LABERVELE

Good son, go forward in this gentle humour. 387

Observe this picture. It presents a maid

Of noble birth and excellent of parts,

Whom for our house and honour sake, I wish

Thou wouldst confess to marry.

DOWSECER

To marry father? Why, we shall have children. 388

LABERVELE

Why, that’s the end of marriage, and the joy of men. 389

DOWSECER

Oh, how you are deceived. You have but me, 390

And what a trouble am I to your joy!

But, father, if you long to have some fruit of me,

See, father, I will creep into this stubborn earth

And mix my flesh with it, and they shall breed grass

To fat oxen, asses and such-like,

And when they in the grass the spring converts

Into beasts’ nourishment,

Then comes the fruit of this my body forth.

Then may you well say,

Seeing my race is so profitably increased,

That good fat ox and that same large-eared ass

Are my son’s sons, that calf with a white face

Is his fair daughter, with which, when your fields

Are richly filled, then will my race content you.

But for the joys of children, tush, ’tis gone.

Children will not deserve, nor parents take it.

Wealth is the only father and the child,

And but in wealth no man hath any joy.

LABERVELE

Some course, dear son, take for thy honour sake. 391

DOWSECER

Then, father, here’s a most excellent corse. 392

LABERVELE

This is some comfort yet. 393

DOWSECER

If you will straight be gone and leave me here, 394

I’ll stand as quietly as any lamb,

And trouble none of you.

([Sees Martia])

LABERVELE

An hapless man. 395

LEMOT

How like you this humour yet, my liege? 396

KING

As of a holy fury, not a frenzy. 397

MOREN

See, see, my liege, he hath seen us sure. 398

KING

Nay, look how he views Martia and makes him fine. 399

LEMOT

Yea, my liege, and she, as I hope well observed, hath uttered many kind conceits of hers.

KING

Well, I’ll be gone, and when she comes to Verone’s ordinary, I’ll have her taken to my custody.

LEMOT

I’ll stay, my liege, and see the event of this.

KING

Do so, Lemot.

(Exit the King.)

DOWSECER

What have I seen? How am I burnt to dust 404

With a new sun, and made a novel phoenix!

Is she a woman that objects this sight,

Able to work the chaos of the world

Into gestion? O divine aspect,

The excellent disposer of the mind

Shines in thy beauty, and thou hast not changed

My soul to sense, but sense unto my soul,

And I desire thy pure society,

But even as angels do to angels fly.

(Exit.)

MARTIA

Fly soul and follow him. 405

LABERVELE

I marvel much at my son’s sudden strange behaviour.

LEMOT

Bear with him yet, my lord, ’tis but his humour. Come. What, shall we go to Verone’s ordinary?

LABESHA

Yea, for God’s sake, for I am passing hungry.

MOREN

Yea, come, Monsieur Lemot, will you walk?

COUNTESS

What, will you go?

MOREN

Yea, sweet bird, I have promised so.

COUNTESS

Go to, you shall not go and leave me alone.

MOREN

For one meal, gentle bird. Verone invites us to buy some jewels he hath brought of late from Italy. I’ll buy the best and bring it thee, so thou wilt let me go.

COUNTESS

Well said, flattering Fabian. But tell me, then, what ladies will be there?

MOREN

Ladies? Why, none.

LEMOT

No ladies use to come to ordinaries, madam.

COUNTESS

Go to, bird, tell me now the very truth.

MOREN

None of mine honour, bird. You never heard that ladies came to ordinaries.

COUNTESS

Oh, that’s because I should not go with you.

MOREN

Why, ’tis not fit you should.

COUNTESS

Well, hark you, bird, of my word you shall not go, unless you will swear to me, you will neither court nor kiss a dame in any sort, till you come home again.

MOREN

Why, I swear I will not.

COUNTESS

Go to, by this kiss.

MOREN

Yea, by this kiss.

FOYES

Martia, learn by this when you are a wife.

LABESHA

I like the kissing well.

FLORILA

My lord, I’ll leave you. Your son Dowsecer hath made me melancholy with his humour, and I’ll go lock myself in my close walk till supper-time.

LABERVELE

What, and not dine today?

FLORILA

No, my good head. Come, Martia, you and I will fast together.

MARTIA

With all my heart, madam.

(Exit [with Florila].)

LABERVELE

Well, gentlemen, I’ll go see my son.

(Exit.)

FOYES

By’rlady, gentlemen, I’ll go home to dinner.

LABESHA

Home to dinner? By’rlord, but you shall not. You shall go with us to the ordinary, where you shall meet gentlemen of so good carriage and passing complements it will do your heart good to see them. Why, you never saw the best sort of gentlemen if not at ordinaries.

FOYES

I promise you that’s rare, my lord. And, Monsieur Lemot, I’ll meet you there presently.

LEMOT

We’ll expect your coming.

(Exeunt all.)

[Scene 8]

(Enter Verone with his napkin upon his shoulder, and his man Jaques with another, and his son [Boy] bringing in cloth and napkins.)

VERONE

Come on, my masters, shadow these tables with their white veils, accomplish the court-cupboard, wait diligently today for my credit and your own, that if the meat should chance to be raw, yet your behaviours being neither rude nor raw, may excuse it. Or if the meat should chance to be tough, be you tender over them in your attendance, that the one may bear with the other.

JAQUES

Faith, some of them be so hard to please, finding fault with your cheer and discommending your wine, saying they fare better at Valere’s for half the money.

BOY

Besides, if there be any chibols in your napkins, they say your nose or ours have dropped on them, and then they throw them about the house.

VERONE

But these be small faults. You may bear with them. Young gentlemen and wild heads will be doing.

(Enter [Jaquena] the Maid.)

JAQUENA

Come, whose wit was it to cover in this room, in the name of God, I trow?

BOY

Why, I hope this room is as fair as the other.

JAQUENA

In your foolish opinion. You might have told a wise body so and kept yourself a fool still.

BOY

I cry you mercy. How bitter you are in your proverbs.

JAQUENA

So bitter I am, sir.

([Jaquena removes the cloth from the table nearest her])

VERONE

Oh, sweet Jaquena, I dare not say I love thee.

JAQUES

Must you control us, you proud baggage, you?

JAQUENA

Baggage? You are a knave to call me baggage.

JAQUES

A knave? My master shall know that.

VERONE

I will not see them.

JAQUES

Master, here is your maid uses herself so saucily that one house shall not hold us two long, God willing.

VERONE

Pardon me, sweet Jaquena. I must make an angry face outwardly, though I smile inwardly.

JAQUENA

Say what you will to me, sir.

VERONE

[Aloud] Oh, you are a fine gossip. Can I not keep honest servants in my house, but you must control them, you must be their mistress?

JAQUENA

Why, I did but take up the cloth, because my mistress would have the dinner in another room, and he called me baggage.

JAQUES

You called me knave and fool, I thank you, small bones.

JAQUENA

Go to, go to, she were wise enough would talk with you.

BOY

Go thy ways for the proudest harlotry that ever came in our house.

([Exit Jaquena.])

VERONE

Let her alone, boy. I have schooled her, I warrant thee. She shall not be my maid long, if I can help it.

BOY

No, I think so, sir. But what, shall I take up the cloth?

VERONE

No, let the cloth lie. Hither they’ll come first, I am sure of it. Then if they will dine in the other room, they shall.

(Enter Rowley.)

ROWLEY

Good morrow, my host. Is nobody come yet?

VERONE

Your worship is the first, sir.

ROWLEY

I was invited by my cousin, Colinet to see your jewels.

VERONE

I thank his worship and yours.

ROWLEY

Here’s a pretty place for an ordinary. I am very sorry I have not used to come to ordinaries.

VERONE

I hope we shall have your company hereafter.

ROWLEY

You are very like to.

(Enter Berger.)

BERGER

Good morrow, my host, good morrow, good Monsieur Rowley.

ROWLEY

Good morrow to you, sir.

BERGER

What, are we two the first? Give’s the cards, here. Come, this gentleman and I will go to cards while dinner be ready.

ROWLEY

No, truly, I cannot play at cards.

BERGER

How! Not play? Oh, for shame, say not so. How can a young gentleman spend his time but in play and in courting his mistress? Come, use this, lest youth take too much of the other.

ROWLEY

Faith, I cannot play, and yet I care not so much to venture two or three crowns with you.

BERGER

Oh, I thought what I should find of you. I pray God I have not met with my match.

ROWLEY

No, trust me, sir, I cannot play.

BERGER

Hark you, my host, have you a pipe of good tobacco?

VERONE

The best in the town. Boy, dry a leaf.

BOY

There’s none in the house, sir.

VERONE

Dry a dock leaf.

([Boy exits and returns with a pipe.])

BERGER

My host, do you know Monsieur Blanvel?

VERONE

Yea, passing well, sir.

BERGER

Why, he was taken learning tricks at old Lucilla’s house, the muster-mistress of all the smock-tearers in Paris, and both the bawd and the pander were carried to the dungeon.

VERONE

There was dungeon upon dungeon. But call you her the muster-mistress of all the smock-tearers in Paris?

BERGER

Yea, for she hath them all trained up afore her.

(Enter Blanvel.)

BLANVEL

Good morrow, my host; good morrow, gentlemen all.

VERONE

Good morrow, Monsieur Blanvel. I am glad of your quick delivery.

BLANVEL

Delivery? What, didst thou think I was with child?

VERONE

Yea, of a dungeon.

BLANVEL

Why, how knew you that?

ROWLEY

Why, Berger told us.

BLANVEL

Berger, who told you of it?

BERGER

One that I heard, by the Lord.

BLANVEL

Oh, excellent. You are still playing the wag.

(Enter Lemot and Moren.)

LEMOT

Good morrow, gentlemen all; good morrow, good Monsieur Rowley.

ROWLEY

At your service.

LEMOT

I pray, my lord, look what a pretty falling-band he hath. ’Tis pretty fantastical, as I have seen, made with good judgement, great show, and but little cost.

MOREN

And so it is, I promise you. Who made it, I pray?

ROWLEY

I know not, i’faith. I bought it by chance.

LEMOT

It is a very pretty one; make much of it.

(Enter Catalian sweating.)

CATALIAN

Boy, I prithee call for a coarse napkin. [Exit Boy.] Good morrow, gentlemen. I would you had been at the tennis-court: you should have seen me abeat Monsieur Besan, and I gave him fifteen and all his faults.

LEMOT

Thou didst more for him than ever God will do for thee.

CATALIAN

Jaques, I prithee fill me a cup of canary, three parts water.

([Exit Jaques.])

LEMOT

You shall have all water, an if it please you.

([Enter [Jaquena the] Maid. ])

JAQUENA

Who called for a coarse napkin?

CATALIAN

Marry I, sweetheart. Do you take the pains to bring it yourself? Have at you, by my host’s leave.

([He kisses her.])

JAQUENA

Away, sir, fie, for shame.

CATALIAN

Hark you, my host, you must marry this young wench. You do her mighty wrong else.

VERONE

Oh, sir, you are a merry man.

([Exit Verone and Jaquena.])

(Enter Foyes and Labesha)

FOYES

Good morrow, gentlemen. You see I am as good as my word.

MOREN

You are, sir, and I am very glad of it.

LEMOT

You are welcome, Monsieur Foyes. [To Labesha] But you are not, no, not you.

LABESHA

No? Welcome that gentleman, ’tis no matter for me.

LEMOT

How, sir? No matter for you. By this rush, I am angry with you, as if all our loves protested unto you were dissembled. No matter for you?

LABESHA

Nay, sweet Lemot, be not angry. I did but jest, as I am a gentleman.

LEMOT

Yea, but there’s a difference of jesting. You wrong all our affections in so doing.

LABESHA

Faith and troth, I did not, and I hope sirs you take it not so.

ALL

‘No matter for me’, ’twas very unkindly said, I must needs say so.

LABESHA

You see how they love me.

FOYES

I do, sir, and I am very glad of it.

LABESHA

And I hope, Lemot, you are not angry with me still.

LEMOT

No, faith, I am not so very a fool to be angry with one that cares not for me.

LABESHA

Do not I care for you? Nay, then.

([He weeps.])

CATALIAN

What, dost thou cry?

LABESHA

Nay, I do not cry, but my stomach waters to think that you should take it so heavily. If I do not wish that I were cut into three pieces, and that these pieces were turned into three black puddings, and that these three black puddings were turned into three of the fairest ladies in the land for your sake, I would I were hanged. What a devil can you have more than my poor heart?

CATALIAN

Well, hark you, Lemot, in good faith you are to blame to put him to this unkindness. I prithee, be friends with him.

LEMOT

Well, I am content to put up this unkindness for this once. But while you live take heed of ‘no matter for me’.

LABESHA

Why, is it such a heinous word?

LEMOT

Oh, the heinousest word in the world.

LABESHA

Well, I’ll never speak it more, as I am a gentleman.

LEMOT

No, I pray do not.

FOYES

My lord, will your lordship go to cards?

MOREN

Yea, with you, Monsieur Foyes.

ROWLEY

Lemot, will you play?

LEMOT

Pardon, good Monsieur Rowley. If I had any disposition to gaming your company should draw me beforeany man’s here.

FOYES

Labesha, what, will you play?

LABESHA

Play, yea, with all my heart. I pray lend me threepence.

ROWLEY

I’ll play no more.

CATALIAN

Why, have you won or lost?

ROWLEY

Faith, I have lost two or three crowns.

CATALIAN

Well, to him again, I’ll be your half.

LEMOT

Sirrah, dost thou know that same gentleman there?

([Indicating Rowley])

CATALIAN

No, i’faith, what is he?

LEMOT

A very fine gull and a neat reveller, one that’s heir to a great living, yet his father keeps him so short, that his shirts will scant cover the bottom of his belly, for all his gay outside; but the linings be very foul and sweaty, yea, and perhaps lousy, with despising the vain shifts of the world.

CATALIAN

But he hath gotten good store of money now, methinks.

LEMOT

Yea, and I wonder of it. Some ancient serving-man of his father’s that hath gotten forty shillings in fifty years upon his great good husbandry, he swearing monstrous oaths to pay him again, and besides to do him a good turn (when God shall hear his prayer for his father) hath lent it him, I warrant you. But, howsoever, we must speak him fair.

CATALIAN

Oh, what else!

LEMOT

[Aloud] God save sweet Monsieur Rowley. What, lose or win, lose or win?

ROWLEY

Faith, sir, save myself and lose my money.

LEMOT

Why, hark thee, Catalian; I could have told thee before what he would have said.

CATALIAN

I do not think so.

LEMOT

No? Thou seest here’s a fine plump of gallants, such as think their wits singular, and their selves rarely accomplished. Yet to show thee how brittle their wits be, I will speak to them severally, and I will tell thee before what they shall answer me.

CATALIAN

That’s excellent, let’s see that, i’faith.

LEMOT

Whatsoever I say to Monsieur Rowley, he shall say, ‘Oh, sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace’.

CATALIAN

Come, let’s see.

LEMOT

[Aloud] Now, Monsieur Rowley, methinks you are exceedingly grown since your to Paris.

ROWLEY

Oh, sir, you may see an ill weed grows apace.

CATALIAN

This is excellent, forward, sir, I pray.

LEMOT

Whatsoe’er I say to Labesha, he shall answer me, ‘Black will bear no other hue’, and that same old Justice, as greedy of a stale proverb, he shall come in the neck of that and say, ‘Black is a pearl in a woman’s eye’.

CATALIAN

Yea, much, i’faith.

LEMOT

Look thee, here comes hither Labesha.

LABESHA

Oh, sir, black will bear no other hue.

FOYES

Oh, sir, black is a pearl in a woman’s eye.

LEMOT

Sirrah Catalian, whatsoe’er I say to Berger that is so busy at cards, he shall answer me, ‘’Sblood, I do not mean to die as long as I can see one alive’.

CATALIAN

Come, let us see you.

LEMOT

[Aloud] Why, Berger, I thought thou hadst been dead. I have not heard thee chide all this while.

BERGER

’Sblood, I do not mean to die as long as I can see one alive.

CATALIAN

Why, but hark you, Lemot, I hope you cannot make this lord answer so roundly.

LEMOT

Oh, as right as any of them all, and he shall answer me with an old Latin proverb, that is, usus promptos facit .

CATALIAN

Once more, let’s see.

LEMOT

[Aloud] My lord, your lordship could not play at this game very lately, and now methinks you are grown exceeding perfect.

MOREN

Oh, sir, you may see, usus promptos facit .

(Enter Jaques.)

JAQUES

Monsieur Lemot, here is a gentleman and two gentlewomen do desire to speak with you.

LEMOT

What, are they come? Jaques, convey them into the inward parlour by the inwarde room, and there is a brace of crowns for thy labour, but let nobody know of their being here.

JAQUES

I warrant you, sir.

([Exit Jaques.])

LEMOT

So, now the sport begins, I shall start the disguised King plaguily. Nay, I shall put the lady that loves me in a monstrous fright when her husband comes and finds her here.

([Enter Boy.])

BOY

[To Lemot] The gentleman and the two gentlewomen desires your company.

LEMOT

I’ll come to them presently.

(The Boy speaks in Foyes’s ear.)

FOYES

Gentlemen, I’ll go speak with one, and come to you presently.

([Exit Foyes.])

LEMOT

My lord, I would speak a word with your lordship, if it were not for interrupting your game.

MOREN

No, I have done, Lemot.

LEMOT

My lord, there must a couple of ladies dine with us today.

MOREN

Ladies? God’s my life, I must be gone.

LEMOT

Why, hark you, my lord, I knew not of their coming, I protest to your lordship, and would you have me turn such fair ladies as these are away?

MOREN

Yea, but hark you, Lemot, did not you hear me swear to my wife that I would not tarry if there were any women? I wonder you would suffer any to come there.

LEMOT

Why, you swore but by a kiss, and kisses are no holy things, you know that.

MOREN

Why, but hark you, Lemot, indeed I would be very loath to do anything, that, if my wife should know it, should displease her.

LEMOT

Nay, then you are to obsequious. Hark you, let me entreat you, and I’ll tell you in secret, you shall have no worse company than the King’s.

MOREN

Why, will the King be there?

LEMOT

Yea, though disguised.

MOREN

Who are the ladies?

LEMOT

The flowers of Paris, I can tell you: fair countess Florila and the lady Martia.

(Enter Jaques.)

JAQUES

Monsieur Lemot, the gentleman and the two gentlewomen desire your company.

LEMOT

I’ll come to them straight. But, Jaques, come hither, I prithee. Go to Labesha and tell him that the Countess Florila and the lady Martia be here at thy master’s house, and if it come in question hereafter, deny that thou told him any such thing.

JAQUES

What, is this all? ’Sblood, I’ll deny it and forswear it too.

LEMOT

My lord, I’ll go and see the room be neat and fine, and come to you presently.

MOREN

Yea, but, hark you, Lemot, I prithee take such order that they be not known of any women in the house.

LEMOT

Now to his wife go, i’faith!

(Exit.)

JAQUES

Hark you, Monsieur Labesha, I pray let me speak a word with you.

LABESHA

With all my heart. I pray look to my stake, there’s threepence under the candlestick.

JAQUES

I pray, sir, do you know the Countess Florila and the Lady Martia?

LABESHA

Do I know the Lady Martia? I knew her before she was borne. Why do you ask me?

JAQUES

Why, they are both here at my master’s house.

LABESHA

What, is Mistress Martia at an ordinary?

JAQUES

Yea, that she is.

LABESHA

By skies and stones, I’ll go and tell her father.

(Exit.)

[Scene 9]

(Enter Lemot and the Countess.)

COUNTESS

What, you are out of breath, methinks, Monsieur Lemot?

LEMOT

It is no matter, madam, it is spent in your service, that bear your age with your honesty better than an hundred of these nice gallants, and indeed it is a shame for your husband, that, contrary to his oath made to you before dinner, he should be now at the ordinary with that light hussy Martia, which I could not choose but come and tell you. For indeed it is a shame that your motherly care should be so slightly regarded.

COUNTESS

Out on thee, strumpet, and accurst and miserable dame!

LEMOT

Now to her husband go I.

(Exit.)

COUNTESS

‘Nothing else’, quoth you. Can there be more? 610

Oh, wicked man, would he play false

That would so simply vow, and swear his faith,

And would not let me be displeased a minute,

But he would sigh and weep till I were pleased?

I have a knife within that’s razor-sharp,

And I will lay an iron in the fire,

Making it burning hot to mark the strumpet.

But ’twill be cold too, ere I can come thither.

Do something, wretched woman; stays thou here?

(Exit.)

[Scene 8 continues]

(Enter Lemot.)

LEMOT

My lord, the room is neat and fine. Will’t please you go in?

([Enter Verone.])

VERONE

Gentlemen, your dinner is ready.

ALL [BUT VERONE]

And we are ready for it.

LEMOT

Jaques, shut the doors. Let nobody come in.

(Exeunt omnes.)

[Scene 10]

(Enter Labervele, Foyes, Labesha, and the Countess.)

LABERVELE

[Knocking at door] Where be these puritans, these murderers? Let me come in here.

FOYES

Where is the strumpet?

COUNTESS

Where is this harlot? Let us come in here. 617

LABERVELE

What shall we do? The streets do wonder at us, 618

And we do make our shame known to the world.

Let us go and complain us to the King.

FOYES

Come, Labesha, will you go? 619

LABESHA

No, no, I scorn to go. No king shall hear my plaint. 620

I will in silence live a man forlorn,

Mad, and melancholy as a cat

And never more wear hat-band on my hat.

([Exeunt.])

(Enter Moren and Martia.)

MOREN

What dost thou mean? Thou must not hang on me. 621

MARTIA

Oh, good Lord Moren, have me home with you. 622

You may excuse all to my father for me.

(Enter Lemot.)

LEMOT

Oh, my lord, be not so rude to leave her now.

MOREN

Alas, man, an if my wife should see it, I were undone.

([Exeunt Moren and Martia.])

(Enter the King and another.)

KING

Pursue them, sirs, and taking Martia from him, 625

Convey her presently to Valere’s house.

([Exeunt the King and another.])

(Enter [Florila] the Puritan to Lemot.)

FLORILA

What villain was it that hath uttered this?

LEMOT

Why, ’twas even I. I thank you for your gentle terms. You give me villain at the first. I wonder where’s this old doter? What, doth he think we fear him?

FLORILA

Oh, monstrous man. What, wouldst thou have him take us?

LEMOT

Would I, quoth you? Yea, by my troth would I. I know he is but gone to call the constable or to raise the streets.

FLORILA

What means the man, trow? Is he mad?

LEMOT

No, no, I know what I do, I do it of purpose. I long to see him come and rail at you, to call you harlot, and to spurn you too. Oh, you’ll love me a great deal the better. And yet, let him come, and if he touch but one thread of you, I’ll make that thread his poison.

FLORILA

I know not what to say.

LEMOT

Speak, do you love me?

FLORILA

Yea, surely do I.

LEMOT

Why, then have not I reason that love you so dearly as I do, to make you hateful in his sight that I might more freely enjoy you.

FLORILA

Why, let us be gone, my kind Lemot, and not be wondered at in the open streets.

LEMOT

I’ll go with you through fire, through death, through hell. 637

Come, give me your own hand, my own dear heart,

This hand that I adore and reverence,

And loath to have it touch an old man’s bosom.

Oh, let me sweetly kiss it.

(He bites.)

FLORILA

Out on thee, wretch. He hath bit me to the bone. 638

Oh, barbarous cannibal. Now I perceive

Thou wilt make me a mocking-stock to all the world.

LEMOT

Come, come, leave your passions, they cannot move me. My father and my mother died both in a day, and I rung me a peal for them, and they were no sooner brought to the church and laid in their graves, but I fetched me two or three fine capers aloft and took my leave of them, as men do of their mistresses at the ending of a galliard. Beso las manos .

FLORILA

Oh, brutish nature, how accurst was I ever to endure the sound of this damned voice.

LEMOT

Well, an you do not like my humour, I can be but sorry for it. I bit you for good will, an if you accept it, so; if no, go.

FLORILA

Villain, thou didst it in contempt of me.

LEMOT

Well, an you take it so, so be it. Hark you, madam, your wisest course is even to become Puritan again. Put off this vain attire, and say, ‘I have despised all, thanks my God. Good husband, I do love thee in the Lord’, and he (good man) will think all this you have done was but to show thou couldst govern the world, and hide thee as a rainbow doth a storm. My dainty wench, go go. What, shall the flattering words of a vain man make you forget your duty to your husband? Away, repent, amend your life. You have discredited your religion forever.

FLORILA

Well, wretch, for this foul shame thou puttest on me, the curse of all affection light on thee.

(Exit.)

LEMOT

Go, Habbakuk, go. Why, this is excellent. I shall shortly become a schoolmaster, to whom men will put their wives to practise. Well, now will I go set the Queen upon the King, and tell her where he is close with his wench. And he that mends my humour, take the spurs. Sit fast, for by heaven, I’ll jerk the horse you ride on.

([Exit.])

[Scene 11]

(Enter [Verone] my host, Catalian, Blanvel, Berger, Jaques, Jaquena, and Boy.)

VERONE

Well, gentlemen, I am utterly undone without your good helps. It is reported that I received certain ladies or gentlewomen into my house. Now, here’s my man, my maid, and my boy. [To them] Now, if you saw any, speak boldly before these gentlemen.

JAQUES

I saw none, sir.

JAQUENA

Nor I, by my maidenhead.

BOY

Nor I, as I am a man.

CATALIAN

Well, my host, we’ll go answer for your house at this time, but if at other times you have had wenches, and would not let us know it, we are the less beholding to you.

(Exeunt all but [Verone] my host and the gentlemen [Berger and Catalian].)

BERGER

Peradventure the more beholding to him, but I lay my life Lemot hath devised some jest. He gave us the slip before dinner.

CATALIAN

Well, gentlemen, since we are so fitly met, I’ll tell you an excellent subject for a fit of mirth, an if it be well handled.

BERGER

Why, what is it?

CATALIAN

Why man, Labesha is grown marvellous malcontent upon some amorous disposition of his mistress, and you know he loves a mess of cream and a spice-cake with his heart, and I am sure he hath not dined today, and he hath taken on him the humour of the young Lord Dowsecer, and we will set a mess of cream, a spice-cake, and a spoon, as the armour, picture, and apparel was set in the way of Dowsecer, which I doubt not but will work a rare cure upon his melancholy.

VERONE

Why, this is excellent. I’ll go fetch the cream.

CATALIAN

And I the cake.

BERGER

And I the spoon.

(Exeunt, and come in again [and put props down].)

CATALIAN

See where he comes, as like the Lord Dowsecer as may be. Now you shall hear him begin with some Latin sentence that he hath remembered ever since he read his accidence.

(Enter Labesha.)

LABESHA

Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum . Oh, silly state of things, for things they be that cause this silly state. And what is a thing? A bauble, a toy, that stands men in small stead. (He spies the cream.) But what have we here? What vanities have we here?

VERONE

He is strongly tempted, the Lord strengthen him. See what a vein he hath.

LABESHA

Oh, cruel fortune, and dost thou spit thy spite at my poor life? But oh, sour cream, what thinkest thou that I love thee still? No, no, fair and sweet is my mistress. If thou hadst strawberries and sugar in thee — but it may be thou art set with stale cake to choke me. Well, taste it, and try it, [He starts to eat.] spoonful by spoonful: bitterer and bitterer still. But oh, sour cream, wert thou an onion. Since Fortune set thee for me, I will eat thee, and I will devour thee in spite of Fortune’s spite.

Choke I, or burst I, mistress, for thy sake,

To end my life eat I this cream and cake.

CATALIAN

So he hath done. His melancholy is well eased, I warrant you.

VERONE

[Advancing] God’s my life, gentlemen, who hath been at this cream?

LABESHA

Cream, had you cream? Where is your cream? I’ll spend my penny at your cream.

CATALIAN

Why, did not you eat this cream?

LABESHA

Talk not to me of cream, for such vain meat 666

I do despise as food. My stomach dies

Drowned in the cream bowls of my mistress’ eyes.

([He starts to leave.])

CATALIAN

Nay, stay, Labesha. 667

LABESHA

No, not I, not I. 668

([Exit.])

VERONE

Oh, he is ashamed, i’faith. But I will tell thee how thou shalt make him mad indeed: say his mistress for love of him hath drowned herself.

CATALIAN

’Sblood, that will make him hang himself.

(Exeunt omnes.)

[Scene 12]

(Enter the Queen, Lemot, and all the rest of the lords [Foyes and Labervele], and the Countess; Lemot’s [right] arm in a scarf.)

LEMOT

Have at them, i’faith, with a lame counterfeit humour. 671

[Aloud] Ache on, rude arm, I care not for thy pain,

I got it nobly in the King’s defence,

And in the guardiance of my fair Queen’s right.

QUEEN

Oh, tell me, sweet Lemot, how fares the King? 672

Or what my right was that thou didst defend?

LEMOT

That you shall know when other things are told. 673

LABERVELE

Keep not the Queen too long without her longing. 674

FOYES

No, for I tell you it is a dangerous thing. 675

COUNTESS

Little care cruel men how women long. 676

LEMOT

What, would you have me then put poison in my breath, 677

And burn the ears of my attentive Queen.

QUEEN

Tell me whate’er it be, I’ll bear it all. 678

LEMOT

Bear with my rudeness, then, in telling it, 679

For, alas, you see I can but act it with the left hand.

This is my gesture now.

QUEEN

’Tis well enough. 680

LEMOT

Yea, well enough, you say 681

This recompense have I for all my wounds.

Then thus:

The King, enamoured of another lady,

Compares your face to hers, and says that yours

Is fat and flat, and that your nether lip

Was passing big.

QUEEN

Oh, wicked man. 682

Doth he so suddenly condemn my beauty,

That, when he married me, he thought divine?

Forever blasted be that strumpet’s face,

As all my hopes are blasted, that did change them.

LEMOT

Nay, madam, though he said your face was fat, 683

And flat, and so forth, yet he liked it best,

And said a perfect beauty should be so.

LABERVELE

Oh, did he so? Why, that was right even as it should be.

FOYES

You see now, madam, how much too hasty you were in your griefs.

QUEEN

If he did so esteem of me indeed, happy am I.

COUNTESS

So may your highness be that hath so good a husband, but hell hath no plague to such an one as I.

LEMOT

Indeed, madam, you have a bad husband. Truly, then did the King

Grow mightily in love with the other lady,

And swore no king could more enrichèd be,

Than to enjoy so fair a dame as she.

QUEEN

O, monstrous man, and accurst, most miserable dame! 689

LEMOT

‘But’, says the King, ‘I do enjoy as fair, 690

And though I love her in all honoured sort,

Yet I'll not wrong my wife for all the world’.

FOYES

This proves his constancy as firm as brass. 691

QUEEN

It doth, it doth. Oh, pardon me, my lord, 692

That I mistake thy royal meaning so.

COUNTESS

In heaven your highness lives, but I in hell. 693

LEMOT

But when he viewed her radiant eyes again, 694

Blind was he strucken with her fervent beams.

And now, good King, he gropes about in corners,

Void of the cheerful light should guide us all.

QUEEN

Oh, dismal news! What, is my sovereign blind? 695

LEMOT

Blind as a beetle, madam, that, a while 696

Hovering aloft, at last in cow-shards fall.

LABERVELE

Could her eyes blind him? 697

LEMOT

Eyes, or what it was, I know not, 698

But blind I am sure he is as any stone.

QUEEN

Come, bring me to my prince, my lord, that I may lead him. None alive but I may have the honour to direct his feet.

LEMOT

How lead him, madam? Why, he can go as right as you, or any here, and is not blind of eyesight.

QUEEN

Of what then?

LEMOT

Of reason.

QUEEN

Why, thou saidst he wanted his cheerful light.

LEMOT

Of reason still I meant, whose light you know 704

Should cheerfully guide a worthy king;

For he doth love her, and hath forcèd her

Into a private room where now they are.

QUEEN

What mocking changes is there in thy words, 705

Fond man. Thou murderest me with these exclaims.

LEMOT

Why, madam, ’tis your fault. You cut me off before my words be half done.

QUEEN

Forth, and unlade the poison of thy tongue. 707

LEMOT

Another lord did love this curious lady, 708

Who hearing that the King had forcèd her

As she was walking with another earl,

Ran straightways mad for her, and with a friend

Of his, and two or three black ruffians more,

Broke desperately upon the person of the King,

Swearing to take from him, in traitorous fashion,

The instrument of procreation

With them I fought a while and got this wound,

But being unable to resist so many,

Came straight to you to fetch you to his aid.

LABERVELE

Why raised you not the streetes? 709

LEMOT

That I forbore, 710

Because I would not have the world to see

What a disgrace my liege was subject to,

Being with a woman in so mean a house.

FOYES

Whose daughter was it that he forced, I pray? 711

LEMOT

Your daughter, sir. 712

LABERVELE

Whose son was it that ran so mad for her? 713

LEMOT

Your son, my lord. 714

LABERVELE

O gods and fiends forbid! 715

COUNTESS

I pray, sir, from whom did he take the lady? 716

LEMOT

From your good lord. 717

COUNTESS

O Lord, I beseech thee, no! 718

LEMOT

’Tis all too true. Come, follow the Queen and I where I shall lead you.

QUEEN

Oh, wretched Queen, what would they take from him? 720

LEMOT

The instrument of procreation. 721

([Exeunt omnes.])

[Scene 13]

(Enter Moren.)

MOREN

Now was there ever man so much accurst that, when his mind misgave him, such a man was hapless to keep him company? Yet who would keep him company but I? O vile Lemot, my wife and I are bound to curse thee while we live, but chiefly I. Well, seek her or seek her not; find her, or find her not, I were as good see how hell opens as look upon her.

(Enter Catalian and Berger behind him.)

CATALIAN

We have him, i’faith. Stop thou him there, and I will meet him here.

MOREN

Well, I will venture once to seek her.

BERGER

God’s lord, my lord! Come you this way? Why, your wife runs ranging like as if she were mad, swearing to slit your nose if she can catch you.

(Exit.)

MOREN

What shall I do at the sight of her and hern?

CATALIAN

God’s precious, my lord! Come you this way? Your wife comes ranging with a troop of dames, like Bacchus’ drunken frows, just as you go. Shift for yourself, my lord.

MOREN

Stay, good Catalian.

CATALIAN

No, not I, my lord.

(Exit.)

(Enter Jaques.)

MOREN

How now, Jaques, what’s the news?

JAQUES

None but good, my lord.

MOREN

Why, hast not seen my wife run round about the streets?

JAQUES

Not I, my lord. I come to you from my master, who would pray you to speak to Lemot, that Lemot might speak to the King, that my master’s lottery for his jewels may go forward. He hath made the rarest device that ever you heard. We have Fortune in it, and she our maid plays, and I and my fellow carry two torches, and our boy goes before and speaks a speech. ’Tis very fine, i’faith, sir.

MOREN

Sirrah, in this thou mayst highly pleasure me. Let me have thy place to bear a torch, that I may look on my wife, an she not see me. For if I come into her sight abruptly, I were better be hanged.

JAQUES

Oh, sir, you shall, or anything that I can do. I’ll send for your wife too.

MOREN

I prithee do.

(Exeunt both.)

[Scene 14]

(Enter the Queen, and all that were in before [Lemot, with arm in sling, Foyes, Labervele and the Countess].)

LEMOT

This is the house 737

Where the mad lord did vow to do the deed.

Draw all your swords, courageous gentlemen.

I’ll bring you there where you shall honour win.

But I can tell you, you must break your shin.

COUNTESS

Who will not break his neck to save his king? 738

Set forward, Lemot.

LEMOT

Yea, much good can I do with a wounded arm. 739

I’ll go and call more help.

QUEEN

Others shall go, nay, we will raise the streets. 740

Better dishonour than destroy the King.

LEMOT

’Sblood, I know not how to excuse my villainy. I would fain be gone.

(Enter Dowsecer and his friend [Lavel].)

DOWSECER

I’ll geld the adulterous goat, and take from him 742

The instrument that plays him such sweet music.

LEMOT

Oh, rare! This makes my fiction true. Now I’ll stay. 743

QUEEN

Arrest these faithless traitorous gentlemen. 744

DOWSECER

What is the reason that you call us traitors? 745

LABERVELE

Nay, why do you attempt such violence against the person of the King?

DOWSECER

Against the King? Why this is strange to me. 747

(Enter the King and Martia.)

KING

How now, my masters? What? Weapons drawn! 748

Come you to murder me?

QUEEN

How fares my lord? 749

KING

How fare I? Well. [To Lemot] But you, i’faith, shall get me speak for you another time. [To company] He got me here to woo a curious lady, and she tempts him. Say what I can, offer what state I will in your behalf, Lemot, she will not yield.

LEMOT

I’faith, my liege, what a hard heart hath she. Well, hark you, I am content your wit shall save your honesty for this once.

KING

Peace, a plague on you, peace.

QUEEN

Because I feared that you were hurt, my lord.

KING

Hurt, how, I pray?

LEMOT

Why, hurt, madam? I am well again.

QUEEN

Do you ask? Why, he told me Dowsecer and this his friend, threatened to take away —

KING

To take away? What should they take away?

LEMOT

Name it, madam.

QUEEN

Nay, I pray, name it you.

LEMOT

Why then, thus it was, my liege. I told her Dowsecer, and this his friend, threatened to take away, an if they could, the instrument of procreation. And what was that now but Martia? Being a fair woman, is not she the instrument of procreation, as all women are?

QUEEN

O wicked man!

LEMOT

Go to, go to, you are one of those fiddles too, i’faith.

KING

Well, pardon my minion that hath frayed you thus. 763

’Twas but to make you merry in the end.

QUEEN

I joy it ends so well, my gracious lord. 764

FOYES

But say, my gracious lord, is no harm done 765

Between my loving daughter and your grace?

KING

No, of my honour and my soul, Foyes. 766

DOWSECER

The fire of love which she hath kindled in me 767

Being greater than my heat of vanity,

Hath quite expelled —

KING

Come, Dowsecer, receive with your lost wits your love, thought lost. I know you’ll yield, my lord, and you, her father.

BOTH [DOWSECER AND FOYES]

Most joyfully, my lord.

KING

And for her part I know her disposition well enough.

LEMOT

What, will you have her?

DOWSECER

Yea, marry will I.

LEMOT

I’ll go and tell Labesha presently.

(Enter Jaques and [Verone] my Host.)

JAQUES

Monsieur Lemot, I pray let me speak with you. I come to you from the Lord Moren, who would desire you to speak to the King for my master’s lottery, and he hath my place to bear a torch, for bare-faced he dares not look upon his wife, for his life.

LEMOT

Oh, excellent. I’ll further thy master’s lottery an it be but for this jest only.

KING

With all my heart. Can you be ready so soon?

VERONE

Presently, an if it like your grace.

([Exit with Jaques.])

KING

But hark you, Lemot, how shall we do for every man’s posy?

LEMOT

Will you all trust me with the making of them?

ALL

With all our hearts.

LEMOT

Why, then, I’ll go to make the posies and bring Labesha to the lottery presently.

([Exit.])

(Enter Florila like a Puritan.)

FLORILA

Surely the world is full of vanity. 782

A woman must take heed she do not hear

A lewd man speak, for every woman cannot

When she is tempted, when the wicked fiend

Gets her into his snares, escape like me.

For grace’s measure is not so filled up,

Nor so pressed down in everyone as me.

But yet I promise you a little more.

Well, I’ll go seek my head, who shall take me in

The gates of his kind arms, untouched of any.

KING

What, madam, are you so pure now? 783

FLORILA

Yea, would not you be pure? 784

KING

No, Puritan. 785

FLORILA

You must be then a devil, I can tell you. 786

LABERVELE

Oh, wife, where hast thou been? 787

FLORILA

Where did I tell you I would be, I pray. 788

LABERVELE

In thy close walk, thou saidst. 789

FLORILA

And was I not? 790

LABERVELE

Truly, I know not. I neither looked nor knocked, for Labesha told me that you and fair Martia were at Verone’s ordinary.

KING

Labesha? My lord, you are a wise man to believe a fool.

FLORILA

Well, my good head, for my part I forgive you. 793

But surely you do much offend to be

Suspicious: where there is no trust, there is no love,

And where there is no love ’twixt man and wife,

There’s no good dealing surely. For as men

Should ever love their wives, so should they ever trust them.

For what love is there where there is no trust?

KING

She tells you true, my lord. 794

LABERVELE

She doth, my liege. And, dear wife, pardon this, 795

And I will never be suspicious more.

FLORILA

Why, I say I do. 796

(Enter [Catalian and] Lemot leading Labesha in a halter.)

LEMOT

Look you, my liege, I have done simple service amongst you. Here is one had hanged himself for love, thinking his mistress had done so for him. Well, see, your mistress lives.

LABESHA

And doth my mistress live?

KING

She doth, O noble knight, but not your mistress now.

LABESHA

’Sblood, but she shall for me, or for nobody else.

([Drawing his sword])

LEMOT

How now. What, a traitor! Draw upon the King!

LABESHA

Yea, or upon any woman here in a good cause.

KING

Well, sweet Besha, let her marry Dowsecer. I’ll get thee a wife worth fifteen of her. Wilt thou have one that cares not for thee?

LABESHA

Not I, by the Lord, I scorn her. I’ll have her better if I can get her.

KING

Why, that’s well said.

LEMOT

What, madam, are you turned Puritan again?

FLORILA

When was I other, pray?

LEMOT

Marry, I’ll tell you when: when you went to the ordinary, and when you made false signs to your husband, which I could tell him all.

FLORILA

Cursed be he that maketh debate ’twixt man and wife.

LEMOT

O rare scripturian! You have sealed up my lips.

(Enter two with torches, the one of them Moren, then [Verone] my host and his son [Boy], then his Maid [Jaquena] dressed like Queen Fortune, with two pots in her hands.)

KING

What is he?

LEMOT

This is Verone’s son, my liege.

KING

What shall he do?

CATALIAN

Speak some speech that his father hath made for him.

QUEEN

Why, is he good at speeches?

CATALIAN

Oh, he is rare at speeches.

BOY

Fair ladies most tender, 817

And nobles most slender,

And gentles whose wits be scarce —

KING

My host, why do you call us ‘nobles most slender’?

VERONE

An it shall please your Grace, to be slender is to be proper, and therefore where my boy says ‘nobles most slender’, it is as much to say, fine and proper nobles.

LEMOT

Yea, but why do you call us ‘gentles whose wits are scarce’?

VERONE

To be scarce is to be rare, and therefore, whereas he says ‘gentles whose wits be scarce’, is as much as to say, gentles whose wits be rare.

LEMOT

Well, forwards, truchman.

BOY

Fair ladies most tender, 823

And nobles most slender,

And gentles whose wits be scarce;

Queen Fortune doth come

With her trump and her drum,

As it may appear by my verse.

LABESHA

[To Verone] Come hither. Are you a schoolmaster? Where was Fortune queen, of what country or kingdom?

VERONE

Why, sir, Fortune was Queen over all the world.

LABESHA

That’s a lie: there’s none that ever conquered all the world, but master Alexander. I am sure of that.

LEMOT

O rare Monsieur Labesha! Who would have thought he could have found so rare a fault in the speech.

VERONE

I’ll alter it, if it please your grace.

KING

No, ’tis very well.

BOY

Father, I must begin again. They interrupt me so.

VERONE

I beseech your grace, give the boy leave to begin again.

KING

With all my heart. ’Tis so good we cannot hear it too oft.

BOY

Fair ladies most tender, 833

And nobles most slender,

And gentles whose wits are scarce;

Queen Fortune doth come

With her fife and her drum,

As it doth appear by my voice.

Here is Fortune good,

But ill by the rood,

And this naught but good shall do you, sir;

Dealing the lots

Out of our pots,

And so good Fortune to you, sir.

LEMOT

Look you, my liege, how he that carries the torch trembles extremely.

KING

I warrant ’tis with care to carry his torch well.

LEMOT

Nay, there is something else in the wind. Why, my host, what means thy man Jaques to tremble so?

VERONE

Hold still, thou knave. What, art thou afraid to look upon the goodly presence of a king? Hold up, for shame.

LEMOT

Alas, poor man, he thinks ’tis Jaques his man. Poor lord, how much is he bound to suffer for his wife?

KING

Hark you, mine host, what goodly person is that? Is it Fortune herself?

VERONE

I’ll tell your majesty in secret who it is: it is my maid, Jaquena.

KING

I promise you she becomes her state rarely.

LEMOT

Well, my liege, you were all content that I should make your posies. Well, here they be, every one. Give Master Verone his five crowns.

KING

There’s mine and the Queen’s.

LABERVELE

There’s ours.

DOWSECER

And there is mine and Martia’s.

LEMOT

Come, Labesha, thy money.

LABESHA

You must lend me some, for my boy is run away with my purse.

LEMOT

Thy boy? I never knew any that thou hadst.

LABESHA

Had not I a boy three or four years ago, and he ran away?

LEMOT

And never since he went thou hadst not a penny? But stand by, I’ll excuse you. But, sirrah Catalian, thou shalt stand on one side and read the prizes, and I will stand on the other and read the posies.

CATALIAN

Content, Lemot.

LEMOT

Come on, Queen Fortune, tell every man his posy. This is orderly, the King and Queen are first.

KING

Come, let us see what goodly posies you have given us.

LEMOT

This is your majesty’s: ‘At the fairest, so it be not Martia’.

KING

A plague upon you, you are still playing the villain’s with me.

LEMOT

This is the Queen’s: ‘Obey the Queen’, an she speaks it to her husband, or to Fortune, which she will.

CATALIAN

A prize. Your majesty’s is the sum of four shillings in gold.

KING

Why, how can that be? There is no such coin.

VERONE

[Offering gold] Here is the worth of it, if it please your Grace.

QUEEN

Well, what’s for me? 860

CATALIAN

A heart of gold. 861

QUEEN

A goodly jewel. 862

LEMOT

Count Labervele and Florila. 863

LABERVELE

What’s my posy, sir, I pray? 864

LEMOT

Marry, this, my Lord: 865

Of all Fortune’s friends that hath joy in this life,

He is most happy that puts a sure trust in his wife.

LABERVELE

A very good one, sir. I thank you for it. 866

FLORILA

What’s mine I pray? 867

LEMOT

Marry this, madam: 868

Good Fortune, be thou my good fortune-bringer,

And make me amends for my poor bitten finger.

LABERVELE

Who bit your finger, wife? 869

FLORILA

Nobody, ’tis vain posy. 870

CATALIAN

Blank for my Lord Labervele; for his wife a posy, a pair of holy beads with a crucifix.

FLORILA

O bomination idol! I’ll none of them.

KING

Keep them thyself, Verone, she will not have them.

LEMOT

Dowsecer and Martia. I have fitted your lordship for a posy.

DOWSECER

Why, what is it?

LEMOT

Ante omnia una .

MARTIA

And what is mine, sir?

LEMOT

A serious one, I warrant you: ‘Change for the better’.

MARTIA

That’s not amiss.

CATALIAN

A prize! Dowsecer hath a caduceus, or Mercury’s rod of gold, set with jacinths and emeralds.

DOWSECER

What is for Martia?

CATALIAN

Martia hath the two serpents’ heads set with diamonds.

LEMOT

What my host Verone? 883

KING

What, is he in for his own jewels? 884

LEMOT

Oh, what else, my liege. ’Tis our bounty, and his posy is: 885

To tell you the truth in words plain and mild,

Verone loves his maid, and she is great with child.

KING

What, Queen Fortune with child! Shall we have young fortunes, my host?

VERONE

I am abused, an if it please your majesty.

JAQUENA

I’ll play no more.

LEMOT

No, faith, you need not now, you have played your bellyful already.

VERONE

Stand still, good Jaquena, they do but jest.

JAQUENA

Yea, but I like no such jesting.

([Enter Jaques.])

LEMOT

Come, great Queen Fortune, let see your posies. [To the Countess] What, madam, alas, your ladyship is one of the last.

COUNTESS

What is my posy, sir, I pray?

LEMOT

Marry, madam, your posy is made in manner and form of an echo, as if you were seeking your husband, and Fortune should be the echo, and this you say: ‘Where is my husband hid so long unmasked?’ ‘Masked’, says the echo. ‘But in what place, sweet Fortune? Let me hear’. ‘Here’, says the echo.

KING

There you lie, echo, for if he were here we must needs see him.

LEMOT

Indeed, sweet King, there methinks the echo must needs lie. If he were here, we must needs see him. ’Tis one of them that carries the torches. No, that cannot be neither, and yet, by the mass, here’s Jaques. Why, my host, did not you tell me that Jaques should be a torchbearer? Who is this? [Revealing Moren] God’s my life, my lord!

MOREN

[Trying to leave] An you be gentlemen, let me go.

COUNTESS

Nay, come your way, you may be well enough ashamed to show your face that is a perjured wretch. Did not you swear, if there were any wenches at the ordinary, you would straight come home?

KING

Why, who told you, madam, there were any there?

COUNTESS

He that will stand to it: Lemot, my liege.

LEMOT

Who? I stand to it? Alas, I told you in kindness and good will, because I would not have you company long from your husband.

MOREN

Why, lo you, bird, how much you are deceived.

COUNTESS

Why, wherefore were you afraid to be seen?

MOREN

Who? I afraid? Alas, I bore a torch to grace this honourable presence. For nothing else, sweet bird.

KING

Thanks, good Moren. See, lady, with what wrong 905

You have pursued your most enamoured lord.

But come, now all are friends, now is this day

Spent with unhurtful motives of delight,

And overjoys more my senses at the night.

And now for Dowsecer: if all will follow my device,

His beauteous love and he shall married be,

And here I solemnly invite you all

Home to my court, where with feasts we will crown

This mirthful day, and vow it to renown.

([Exeunt.])

George Chapman

An Humorous Day’s Mirth

Ediciones modernas

Bibliografía crítica

Note on this digital edition

Characters in the Play

[Scene 1]

[Scene 2]

[Scene 3]

[Scene 4]

[Scene 5]

[Scene 6]

[Scene 7]

[Scene 8]

[Scene 9]

[Scene 8 continues]

[Scene 10]

[Scene 11]

[Scene 12]

[Scene 13]

[Scene 14]