Thomas Middleton
A Chaste Maid in Cheapside
Una joven casta
(Traducción)
Middleton, Thomas. “ <<A Chaste Maid in Cheapside>> .” In: <<Thomas Middleton: Five Plays.>> Edited by Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1988, pp. 161-238.
Joan Oleza Simó
(Investigador principal)
Loughrey, Bryan; Taylor, Neil
(Editor de la edición crítica)
Tronch Pérez, Jesús
(Editor digital)
English · Verso · 258 versos
https://playcode.fly.dev/plays/EMOTHE0281_AChasteMaidInCheapside
- Tiempo histórico
-
Siglo XVII
Contemporary. The action takes place during the first half of Lent (which began on Wednesday 17 February in 1613). See Wiggins and Richardson, 2015, p. 329
- Datación
-
1613
desde 1613 y hasta 1613
- Bibliografía
-
Ediciones modernas
- Brissenden, Alan, ed. A Chaste Maid in Cheapside. Middleton, Thomas. London: Black, 2002.
- Dutton, Richard, ed. A chaste maid in cheapside ; Women beware women ; The changeling ; A game at chess. Middleton, Thomas. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1999.
- Kinney, Arthur F, ed. Chaste Maid in Cheapside. Middleton, Thomas. London: Blackwell, 1999.
- McLuskie, Kathleen E. and David Bevington, ed. Chaste Maid in Cheapside. Middleton, Thomas. Manchester: Manchester University Press, 1999. Plays on Women.
Bibliografía crítica
- Ferris, Lesley. Crossing the Stage: Controversies on Cross Dressing. London: Routledge, 1993.
- Hutson, Lorna. The Usurer’s Daughter: Male Friendship and Fictions of Women in Sixteenth-Century England. London: Routledge, 1994.
- Paster, Gail Kern. The Body Embarrassed: Drama and the Disciplines of Shame in Early Modern England. Ithaca, New York: Cornell U Press, 1993.
Note on this digital edition
Esta publicación es parte del proyecto I+D+i «Teatro español y europeo de los siglos XVI y XVII: patrimonio y bases de datos», referencia PID2019-104045GB-C54 (acrónimo EMOTHE), financiado por MICIN/AEI/10.13039/501100011033. The EMOTHE Digital Library is grateful to Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor for giving permission to reproduce the text of their Penguin Classics edition (1988). This digital edition reproduces the text edited by Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor, except for the modernization of the past participle (e.g. "play'd" is here modernized as "played"), of forms such as "murderer" (instead of "murtherer"), and in other formal aspects (as in the list of characters) derived from the adaptation of the printed text to the electronic format and XML-TEI encoding for the EMOTHE Digital Library. <<In memoriam>> , Bryan Loughrey (1952-2021)
[ <<Scene>> : Cheapside ]
[DRAMATIS PERSONAE] The Names of the Principal Persons
Mr Yellowhammer
a goldsmith
Maudline
his wife
Tim
their son
Moll
their daughter
Tutor
to Tim
Sir Walter Whorehound
a suitor to Moll
Sir Oliver Kix
kin to Sir Walter
Lady Kix
his wife
Mr Allwit
Mrs Allwit
his wife, whom Sir Walter keeps
Welsh Gentlewoman
Sir Walter’s whore
Wat
his bastard
Nick
his bastard
Davy Dahumma
his man
Touchwood Senior
a decayed gentleman
Mrs Touchwood
his wife
Touchwood Junior
another suitor to Moll
Susan
maid to Yellowhammer
Jugg,
Lady Kix’s maid
Five Gossips
Gossips and Puritans
Two Promoters; Servants; Watermen; [Wench; Dry Nurse; Wet Nurse; Porter; Gentleman; Men with baskets; Puritans; Gossips; Midwife; Parson. ]
ACT ONE
[SCENE 1]
(Enter Maudline and Moll, a shop being discovered.)
MAUDLINE
Have you played over all your old lessons o' the virginals?
MOLL
Yes.
MAUDLINE
Yes, you are a dull maid a' late, methinks you had need have somewhat to quicken your green sickness; do you weep? A husband! Had not such a piece of flesh been ordained, what had us wives been good for? To make sallets, or else cried up and down for sampier. To see the difference of these seasons! When I was of your youth, I was lightsome and quick two years before I was married. You fit for a knight's bed! Drowsy-browed, dull-eyed, drossy-spirited- I hold my life you have forgot your dancing: when was the dancer with you?
MOLL
The last week.
MAUDLINE
Last week? When I was of your bord, he missed me not a night, I was kept at it; I took delight to learn, and he to teach me, pretty brown gentleman, he took pleasure in my company; but you are dull, nothing comes nimbly from you, you dance like a plumber's daughter and deserve two thousand pounds in lead to your marriage and not in goldsmith's ware.
(Enter Yellowhammer.)
YELLOWHAMMER
Now what's the din betwixt mother and daughter, ha?
MAUDLINE
Faith, small, telling your daughter Mary of her errors.
YELLOWHAMMER
Errors? Nay, the city cannot hold you, wife, but you must needs fetch words from Westminster; I ha' done, i'faith. Has no attorney's clerk been here a' late and changed his half-crown-piece his mother sent him, or rather cozened you with a gilded twopence, to bring the word in fashion for her faults or cracks in duty and obedience? Term 'em e'en so, sweet wife. As there is no woman made without a flaw, your purest lawns have frays, and cambrics bracks.
MAUDLINE
But 'tis a husband solders up all cracks.
MOLL
What, is he come, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
Sir Walter's come.
He was met at Holborn Bridge, and in his company
12
A proper fair young gentlewoman, which I guess
13
By her red hair and other rank descriptions
14
To be his landed niece brought out of Wales,
15
Which Tim our son (the Cambridge boy) must marry.
16
'Tis a match of Sir Walter's own making
17
To bind us to him, and our heirs for ever.
18
MAUDLINE
We are honoured then, if this baggage would be humble,
19
And kiss him with devotion when he enters.
20
I cannot get her for my life
21
To instruct her hand thus, before and after,
22
Which a knight will look for, before and after.
23
I have told her still, 'tis the waving of a woman
24
Does often move a man, and prevails strongly.
25
But sweet, ha' you sent to Cambridge,
26
Has Tim word on't?
27
YELLOWHAMMER
Had word just the day after when you sent him the silver spoon to eat his broth in the hall amongst the gentlemen commoners.
MAUDLINE
O 'twas timely.
(Enter Porter.)
YELLOWHAMMER
How now?
PORTER
A letter from a gentleman in Cambridge.
YELLOWHAMMER
O one of Hobson's porters, thou art welcome. I told thee, Maud, we should hear from Tim. [Reads.] ' Amantissimis charissimisque ambobus parentibus patri et matri '.
MAUDLINE
What's the matter?
YELLOWHAMMER
Nay, by my troth, I know not, ask not me, he's grown too verbal; this learning is a great witch.
MAUDLINE
Pray let me see it, I was wont to understand him. [Reads.] ' Amantissimus charissimus ', he has sent the carrier's man, he says; ' ambobus parentibus ', for a pair of boots; ' patri et matri ', pay the porter, or it makes no matter.
PORTER
Yes by my faith! Mistress, there's no true construction in that, I have took a great deal of pains and come from the Bell sweating. Let me come to't, for I was a scholar forty years ago. 'Tis thus, I warrant you: matri , it makes no matter; ambobus parentibus , for a pair of boots; patri , pay the porter; amantissimis charissimis , he's the carrier's man, and his name is Sims- and there he says true, forsooth, my name is Sims indeed. I have not forgot all my learning. A money matter, I thought I should hit on't.
YELLOWHAMMER
Go, thou art an old fox, there's a tester for thee.
PORTER
If I see your worship at Goose Fair, I have a dish of birds for you.
YELLOWHAMMER
Why, dost dwell at Bow?
PORTER
All my lifetime, sir, I could ever say Bo, to a goose. Farewell to your worship.
42
(Exit Porter.)
YELLOWHAMMER
A merry porter.
MAUDLINE
How can he choose but be so, coming with Cambridge letters from our son Tim?
YELLOWHAMMER
What's here? [Reads.] Maxime diligo . Faith, I must to my learned counsel with this gear, 'twill ne'er be discerned else.
MAUDLINE
Go to my cousin then, at Inns of Court.
YELLOWHAMMER
Fie, they are all for French, they speak no Latin.
MAUDLINE
The parson then will do it.
(Enter a Gentleman with a chain.)
YELLOWHAMMER
Nay, he disclaims it, calls Latin 'Papistry', he will not deal with it. What is't you lack, gentleman?
GENTLEMAN
Pray weigh this chain.
(Yellowhammer weighs it.)
(Enter Sir Walter Whorehound, Welsh Gentlewoman and Davy [Dahumma].)
SIR WALTER
Now, wench, thou art welcome to the heart of the City of London.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
Dugat a whee .
SIR WALTER
You can thank me in English if you list.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
I can, sir, simply.
SIR WALTER
'Twill serve to pass, wench; 'twas strange that I should lie with thee so often, to leave thee without English- that were unnatural. I bring thee up to turn thee into gold, wench, and make thy fortune shine like your bright trade; a goldsmith's shop sets out a City maid. Davy Dahumma, not a word!
DAVY
Mum, mum, sir.
SIR WALTER
Here you must pass for a pure virgin.
DAVY
Pure Welsh virgin! She lost her maidenhead in Brecknockshire.
SIR WALTER
I hear you mumble, Davy.
DAVY
I have teeth, sir, I need not mumble yet this forty years.
SIR WALTER
The knave bites plaguily.
YELLOWHAMMER
[To Gentleman.] What's your price, sir?
GENTLEMAN
A hundred pound, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
A hundred marks the utmost, 'tis not for me else. [Exit Gentleman.] — What, Sir Walter Whorehound!
MOLL
O death!
(Exit Moll.)
MAUDLINE
Why, daughter! Faith, the baggage!
68
A bashful girl, sir; these young things are shamefast,
69
Besides you have a presence, sweet Sir Walter,
70
Able to daunt a maid brought up i'the City:
71
(Enter [Moll].)
A brave Court spirit makes our virgins quiver
72
And kiss with trembling thighs. Yet see, she comes, sir.
73
SIR WALTER
Why, how now, pretty mistress, now I have caught you. What, can you injure so your time to stray thus from your faithful servant?
YELLOWHAMMER
Pish, stop your words, good knight, 'twill make her blush else, which wound too high for the daughters of the Freedom. 'Honour,' and 'faithful servant,' they are compliments for the worthies of Whitehall or Greenwich. E'en plain, sufficient, subsidy words serves us, sir. And is this gentlewoman your worthy niece?
SIR WALTER
You may be bold with her on these terms, 'tis she, sir, heir to some nineteen mountains.
YELLOWHAMMER
Bless us all! You overwhelm me, sir, with love and riches.
SIR WALTER
And all as high as Paul's.
DAVY
Here's work, i'faith.
SIR WALTER
How sayst thou, Davy?
DAVY
Higher, sir, by far; you cannot see the top of 'em.
YELLOWHAMMER
our daughter, if things hit right.
(Enter Touchwood Junior.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
My knight with a brace of footmen
84
Is come and brought up his ewe mutton
85
To find a ram at London; I must hasten it,
86
Or else pick a' famine; her blood's mine,
87
And that's the surest. Well, knight, that choice spoil
88
Is only kept for me.
89
([Draws Moll aside.])
MOLL
Sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Turn not to me till thou mayst lawfully, It but whets my stomach, which is too sharp set already. Read that note carefully, keep me from suspicion still, nor know my zeal but in thy heart; read and send but thy liking in three words, I'll be at hand to take it.
YELLOWHAMMER
O turn, sir, turn.
A poor plain boy, an university man,
93
Proceeds next Lent to a Bachelor of Art;
94
He will be called Sir Yellowhammer then
95
Over all Cambridge, and that's half a knight.
96
MAUDLINE
Please you draw near, and taste the welcome of the City, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
Come, good Sir Walter, and your virtuous niece here.
SIR WALTER
'Tis manners to take kindness.
YELLOWHAMMER
Lead 'em in, wife.
SIR WALTER
Your company, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
I'll give't you instantly.
([Exeunt Maudline, Sir Walter, Davy and Welsh Gentlewoman.])
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
How strangely busy is the Devil and riches;
103
Poor soul kept in too hard, her mother's eye
104
Is cruel toward her, being to him.
105
'Twere a good mirth now to set him a-work
106
To make her wedding ring. I must about it.
107
Rather than the game should fall to a stranger,
108
'Twas honesty in me to enrich my father.
109
YELLOWHAMMER
The girl is wondrous peevish; I fear nothing
110
But that she's taken with some other love,
111
Then all's quite dashed. That must be narrowly looked to;
112
We cannot be too wary in our children.
113
[To touchwood Junior.] What is't you lack?
114
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O nothing now, all that I wish is present.
115
[To Yellowhammer.] I would have a wedding ring made for a gentlewoman
116
With all speed that may be.
117
YELLOWHAMMER
Of what weight, sir?
118
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Of some half ounce,
Stand fair and comely, with the spark of a diamond.
119
Sir, 'twere pity to lose the least grace.
120
YELLOWHAMMER
[Taking the stone.] Pray let's see it; indeed, sir, 'tis a pure one.
121
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
So is the mistress.
122
YELLOWHAMMER
Have you the wideness of her finger, sir?
123
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Yes, sure, I think I have her measure about me —
124
Good faith, 'tis down; I cannot show't you,
125
I must pull too many things out to be certain.
126
Let me see: long, and slender, and neatly jointed;
127
Just such another gentlewoman that's your daughter, sir.
128
YELLOWHAMMER
And therefore, sir, no gentlewoman.
129
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I protest I never saw two maids handed more alike;
130
I'll ne'er seek farther, if you'll give me leave, sir.
131
YELLOWHAMMER
If you dare venture by her finger, sir.
132
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Ay, and I'll bide all loss, sir.
133
YELLOWHAMMER
Say you so, sir? Let's see hither, girl.
134
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Shall I make bold with your finger, gentlewoman?
135
MOLL
Your pleasure, sir.
136
([Tries the ring on Moll's finger.])
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
That fits her to a hair, sir.
137
YELLOWHAMMER
What's your posy now, sir?
138
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Mass, that's true, posy, i'faith. E'en thus, sir:
139
' Love that's wise, blinds parents' eyes. '
140
YELLOWHAMMER
How, how? If I may speak without offence, sir,
141
I hold my life—
142
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
What, sir?
143
YELLOWHAMMER
Go to, you'll pardon me?
144
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Pardon you? Ay, sir.
145
YELLOWHAMMER
Will you, i'faith?
146
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Yes, faith I will.
147
YELLOWHAMMER
You'll steal away some man's daughter, am I near you?
148
Do you turn aside? You gentlemen are mad wags!
149
I wonder things can be so warily carried
150
And parents blinded so; but they're served right
151
That have two eyes and were so dull a sight.
152
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Thy doom take hold of thee.
153
YELLOWHAMMER
Tomorrow noon shall show your ring well done.
154
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Being so, 'tis soon; thanks, and your leave, sweet gentlewoman.
(Exit.)
MOLL
O were I made of wishes, I went with thee.
YELLOWHAMMER
Come now, we'll see how the rules go within.
158
MOLL
That robs my joy, there I lose all I win.
159
(Ex[eunt].)
[SCENE 2]
(Enter Davy and Allwit severally.)
DAVY
Honesty wash my eyes, I have spied a wittol.
1
ALLWIT
What, Davy Dahumma? Welcome from North Wales
2
I'faith, and is Sir Walter come?
3
DAVY
New come to town, sir.
ALLWIT
Into the maids, sweet Davy, and give order his chamber be made ready instantly; my wife's as great as she can wallow, Davy, and longs for nothing but pickled cucumbers and his coming, and now she shall ha't, boy.
DAVY
She's sure of them, sir.
5
ALLWIT
Thy very sight will hold my wife in pleasure,
6
Till the knight come himself. Go in, in, in, Davy.
7
(Exit [Davy].)
The founder's come to town; I am like a man
8
Finding a table furnished to his hand,
9
As mine is still to me, prays for the founder:
10
'Bless the right worshipful, the good founder's life.'
11
I thank him, h'as maintained my house this ten years,
12
Not only keeps my wife, but a keeps me
13
And all my family; I am at his table,
14
He gets me all my children, and pays the nurse,
15
Monthly, or weekly, puts me to nothing,
16
Rent, nor church duties, not so much as the scavenger:
17
The happiest state that ever man was born to.
18
I walk out in a morning, come to breakfast,
19
Find excellent cheer, a good fire in winter;
20
Look in my coal house about midsummer eve,
21
That's full, five or six chaldron, new laid up;
22
Look in my back yard, I shall find a steeple
23
Made up with Kentish faggots, which o'erlooks
24
The waterhouse and the windmills; I say nothing,
25
But smile and pin the door. When she lies in,
26
As now she's even upon the point of grunting,
27
A lady lies not in like her; there's her embossings,
28
Embroid'rings, spanglings, and I know not what,
29
As if she lay with all the gaudy shops
30
In Gresham's Burse about her; then her restoratives,
31
Able to set up a young 'pothecary
32
And richly stock the foreman of a drug shop;
33
Her sugar by whole loaves, her wines by rundlets.
34
I see these things, but like a happy man,
35
I pay for none at all, yet fools think's mine;
36
I have the name, and in his gold I shine;
37
And where some merchants would in soul kiss hell
38
To buy a paradise for their wives, and dye
39
Their conscience in the bloods of prodigal heirs
40
To deck their night-piece, yet all this being done,
41
Eaten with jealousy to the inmost bone —
42
As what affliction nature more constrains
43
Than feed the wife plump for another's veins? —
44
These torments stand I freed of, I am as clear
45
From jealousy of a wife as from the charge:
46
O two miraculous blessings! 'Tis the knight
47
Hath took that labour all out of my hands:
48
I may sit still and play, he's jealous for me,
49
Watches her steps, sets spies. I live at ease,
50
He has both the cost and torment; when the strings
51
Of his heart fret, I feed, laugh, or sing,
52
La dildo, dildo la dildo, la dildo dildo de dildo.
53
(Enter two Servants.)
SERVANT 1
What has he got a-singing in his head now?
SERVANT 2
Now he's out of work he falls to making dildoes.
ALLWIT
Now, sirs, Sir Walter's come.
SERVANT 1
Is our master come?
ALLWIT
Your master? What am I?
SERVANT 1
Do not you know, sir?
ALLWIT
Pray am not I your master?
SERVANT 1
O you are but our mistress's husband.
(Enter Sir Walter and Davy.)
ALLWIT
Ergo knave, your master.
62
SERVANT 1
Now 'a stands bare as well as we; make the most of him, he's but one peep above a servingman, and so much his horns make him.
SIR WALTER
How dost, Jack?
ALLWIT
Proud of your worship's health, sir.
SIR WALTER
How does your wife?
ALLWIT
E'en after your own making, sir,
68
She's a tumbler, a'faith, the nose and belly meets.
69
SIR WALTER
They'll part in time again.
70
ALLWIT
At the good hour, they will, and please your worship.
71
SIR WALTER
[To Servant.] Here, sirrah, pull off my boots. [To Allwit.] Put on, put on, Jack.
ALLWIT
I thank your kind worship, sir.
SIR WALTER
Slippers! [Servant brings slippers.] Heart, you are sleepy.
ALLWIT
The game begins already.
SIR WALTER
Pish, put on, Jack.
ALLWIT
Now I must do it, or he'll be as angry now as if I had put it on at first bidding; 'tis but observing, 'tis but observing a man's humour once, and he may ha' him by the nose all his life.
([Puts his hat back on.])
SIR WALTER
What entertainment has lain open here?
81
No strangers in my absence?
82
SERVANT 1
Sure, sir, not any.
ALLWIT
His jealousy begins. Am not I happy now
That can laugh inward whilst his marrow melts?
84
SIR WALTER
How do you satisfy me?
85
SERVANT 1
Good sir, be patient.
SIR WALTER
For two months' absence I'll be satisfied.
86
SERVANT 1
No living creature entered —
87
SIR WALTER
Entered? Come, swear —
88
SERVANT 1
You will not hear me out, sir —
89
SIR WALTER
Yes, I'll hear't out, sir.
90
SERVANT 1
Sir, he can tell himself.
91
SIR WALTER
Heart, he can tell!
Do you think I'll trust him? As a usurer
92
With forfeited lordships! Him? O monstrous injury!
93
Believe him? Can the devil speak ill of darkness?
94
What can you say, sir?
95
ALLWIT
Of my soul and conscience, sir, she's a wife as honest of her body to me as any lord's proud lady can be.
SIR WALTER
Yet, by your leave, I heard you were once offering to go to bed to her.
ALLWIT
No, I protest, sir.
98
SIR WALTER
Heart if you do, you shall take all. I'll marry!
99
ALLWIT
O I beseech you, sir —
100
SIR WALTER
That wakes the slave, and keeps his flesh in awe.
101
ALLWIT
I'll stop that gap
102
Where'er I find it open; I have poisoned
103
His hopes in marriage already —
104
Some old rich widows, and some landed virgins, —
105
(Enter two children[, Wat and Nick].)
And I'll fall to work still before I'll lose him;
106
He's yet too sweet to part from.
107
WAT
[To Allwit.] God-den, father.
108
ALLWIT
Ha, villain, peace!
109
NICK
God-den, father.
110
ALLWIT
— Should he hear 'em! —
SIR WALTER
Oh Wat! how dost, Nick? Go to school, ply your books, boys, ha?
ALLWIT
They should kneel indeed if they could say their prayers.
SIR WALTER
Let me see, stay;
How shall I dispose of these two brats now
116
When I am married? For they must not mingle
117
Amongst my children that I get in wedlock,
118
'Twill make foul work that, and raise many storms.
119
I'll bind Wat prentice to a goldsmith — my father Yellowhammer,
120
As fit as can be! Nick with some vintner; good, goldsmith
121
And vintner; there will be wine in bowls, i'faith.
122
(Enter Allwit's Wife.)
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Sweet knight,
123
Welcome; I have all my longings now in town,
124
Now well-come the good hour.
125
SIR WALTER
How cheers my mistress?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Made lightsome e'en by him that made me heavy.
126
SIR WALTER
Methinks she shows gallantly, like a moon at full, sir.
127
ALLWIT
True, and if she bear a male child, there's the man in the moon, sir.
SIR WALTER
'Tis but the boy in the moon yet, goodman calf.
ALLWIT
There was a man, the boy had never been there else.
SIR WALTER
It shall be yours, sir.
ALLWIT
No, by my troth, I'll swear it's none of mine, let him that got it keep it!
Thus do I rid myself of fear,
133
Lie soft, sleep hard, drink wine, and eat good cheer.
134
([Exeunt.])
ACT TWO
[SCENE 1]
(Enter Touchwood Senior and his Wife.)
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
'Twill be so tedious, sir, to live from you,
1
But that necessity must be obeyed.
2
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I would it might not, wife, the tediousness
3
Will be the most part mine, that understand
4
The blessings I have in thee; so to part,
5
That drives the torment to a knowing heart.
6
But as thou say'st, we must give way to need
7
And live awhile asunder; our desires
8
Are both too fruitful for our barren fortunes.
9
How adverse runs the destiny of some creatures:
10
Some only can get riches and no children,
11
We only can get children and no riches!
12
Then 'tis the prudent'st part to check our wills
13
And till our state rise make our bloods lie still.
14
Life, every year a child, and some years two,
15
Besides drinkings abroad, that's never reckoned;
16
This gear will not hold out.
17
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
Sir, for a time, I'll take the courtesy of my uncle's house,
18
If you be pleased to like on't, till prosperity
19
Look with a friendly eye upon our states.
20
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Honest wife, I thank thee; I ne'er knew
21
The perfect treasure thou brought'st with thee more
22
Than at this instant minute. A man's happy
23
When he's at poorest that has matched his soul
24
As rightly as his body. Had I married
25
A sensual fool now, as 'tis hard to 'scape it
26
'Mongst gentlewomen of our time, she would ha' hanged
27
About my neck, and never left her hold
28
Till she had kissed me into wanton businesses,
29
Which at the waking of my better judgment
30
I should have cursed most bitterly
31
And laid a thicker vengeance on my act
32
Than misery of the birth, which were enough
33
If it were born to greatness, whereas mine
34
Is sure of beggary, though it were got in wine.
35
Fulness of joy showeth the goodness in thee.
36
Thou art a matchless wife; farewell, my joy.
37
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
I shall not want your sight?
38
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I'll see thee often,
Talk in mirth, and play at kisses with thee,
39
Anything, wench, but what may beget beggars;
40
There I give o'er the set, throw down the cards,
41
And dare not take them up.
42
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
Your will be mine, sir.
(Exit.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
This does not only make her honesty perfect,
43
But her discretion, and approves her judgment.
44
Had her desires been wanton, they'd been blameless
45
In being lawful ever, but of all creatures
46
I hold that wife a most unmatched treasure
47
That can unto her fortunes fix her pleasure,
48
And not unto her blood: this is like wedlock;
49
The feast of marriage is not lust but love,
50
And care of the estate. When I please blood,
51
Merely I sing, and suck out others'; then,
52
'Tis many a wise man's fault, but of all men
53
I am the most unfortunate in that game
54
That ever pleased both genders, I ne'er played yet
55
Under a bastard; the poor wenches curse me
56
To the pit where'er I come; they were ne'er served so,
57
But used to have more words than one to a bargain.
58
I have such a fatal finger in such business
59
I must forth with't, chiefly for country wenches,
60
For every harvest I shall hinder hay-making;
61
(Enter a Wench with a child.)
I had no less than seven lay in last Progress,
62
Within three weeks of one another's time.
63
WENCH
O snaphance, have I found you?
64
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
How 'snaphance'?
65
WENCH
[Shows her child.] Do you see your workmanship?
66
Nay turn not from it, nor offer to escape, for if you do,
67
I'll cry it through the streets and follow you.
68
Your name may well be called Touchwood, a pox on you,
69
You do but touch and take; thou hast undone me;
70
I was a maid before, I can bring a certificate for it,
71
From both the churchwardens.
72
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I'll have the parson's hand too, or I'll not yield to't.
73
WENCH
Thou shalt have more, thou villain! Nothing grieves me but Ellen, my poor cousin in Derbyshire, thou hast cracked her marriage quite; she'll have a bout with thee.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Faith, when she will, I'll have a bout with her.
75
WENCH
A law bout, sir, I mean.
76
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
True, lawyers use such bouts as other men do,
77
And if that be all thy grief, I'll tender her a husband;
78
I keep of purpose two or three gulls in pickle
79
To eat such mutton with, and she shall choose one.
80
Do but in courtesy, faith, wench, excuse me
81
Of this half yard of flesh, in which I think it wants
82
A nail or two.
83
WENCH
No, thou shalt find, villain,
It hath right shape, and all the nails it should have.
84
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Faith, I am poor; do a charitable deed, wench;
85
I am a younger brother, and have nothing.
86
WENCH
Nothing! Thou hast too much, thou lying villain,
87
Unless thou wert more thankful.
88
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I have no dwelling,
I brake up house but this morning. Pray thee pity me;
89
I am a good fellow, faith, have been too kind
90
To people of your gender: if I ha't
91
Without my belly, none of your sex shall want it.
92
That word has been of force to move a woman. —
There's tricks enough to rid thy hand on't, wench:
94
Some rich man's porch, tomorrow before day,
95
Or else anon i'th'evening; twenty devices.
96
Here's all I have, i'faith, take purse and all.
97
And would I were rid of all the ware i'the shop so.
WENCH
Where I find manly dealings, I am pitiful:
99
This shall not trouble you.
100
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
And I protest, wench, the next I'll keep myself.
101
WENCH
Soft, let it be got first.
102
This is the fifth; if e'er I venture more,
103
Where I now go for a maid, may I ride for a whore.
104
(Exit.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
What shift she'll make now with this piece of flesh
105
In this strict time of Lent, I cannot imagine;
106
Flesh dare not peep abroad now; I have known
107
This city now above this seven years,
108
But I protest in better state of government
109
I never knew it yet, nor ever heard of;
110
There has been more religious, wholesome laws
111
In the half circle of a year erected
112
For common good, than memory ever knew of,
113
(Enter Sir Oliver Kix and his Lady.)
Setting apart corruption of promoters
114
And other poisonous officers that infect
115
And with a venomous breath taint every goodness.
116
LADY KIX
O that e'er I was begot, or bred, or born!
117
SIR OLIVER
Be content, sweet wife.
118
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
What's here to do, now?
I hold my life she's in deep passion
119
For the imprisonment of veal and mutton
120
Now kept in garrets, weeps for some calf's head now;
121
Methinks her husband's head might serve, with bacon.
122
(Enter Touchwood Junior.)
LADY KIX
Hist!
123
SIR OLIVER
Patience, sweet wife.
124
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Brother, I have sought you strangely.
125
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Why, what's the business?
126
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
With all speed thou canst, procure a licence for me.
127
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
How, a licence?
128
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Cud's foot, she's lost else, I shall miss her ever.
129
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Nay, sure, thou shalt not miss so fair a mark
130
For thirteen shillings fourpence.
131
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Thanks by hundreds.
(Exit [with Touchwood Senior].)
SIR OLIVER
Nay, pray thee cease, I'll be at more cost yet,
132
Thou know'st we are rich enough.
133
LADY KIX
All but in blessings,
And there the beggar goes beyond us. O! O! O!
134
To be seven years a wife and not a child! O not a child!
135
SIR OLIVER
Sweet wife, have patience.
136
LADY KIX
Can any woman have a greater cut?
137
SIR OLIVER
I know 'tis great, but what of that, wife?
138
I cannot do withal; there's things making
139
By thine own doctor's advice at 'pothecary's;
140
I spare for nothing, wife, no, if the price
141
Were forty marks a spoonful,
142
I'd give a thousand pound to purchase fruitfulness;
143
'Tis but bating so many good works
144
In the erecting of Bridewells and spital-houses,
145
And so fetch it up again, for, having none,
146
I mean to make good deeds my children.
147
LADY KIX
Give me but those good deeds, and I'll find children.
148
([Exit Touchwood Senior.])
SIR OLIVER
Hang thee, thou hast had too many!
149
LADY KIX
Thou liest, brevity!
150
SIR OLIVER
O horrible! Dar'st thou call me 'brevity'?
151
Dar'st thou be so short with me?
152
LADY KIX
Thou deservest worse.
153
Think but upon the goodly lands and livings
154
That's kept back through want on't.
155
SIR OLIVER
Talk not on't, pray thee;
156
Thou'lt make me play the woman and weep too.
157
LADY KIX
'Tis our dry barrenness puffs up Sir Walter;
158
None gets by your not-getting, but that knight;
159
He's made by th'means, and fats his fortune shortly
160
In a great dowry with a goldsmith's daughter.
161
SIR OLIVER
They may all be deceived,
162
Be but you patient, wife.
163
LADY KIX
I have suffered a long time.
164
SIR OLIVER
Suffer thy heart out, a pox suffer thee!
165
LADY KIX
Nay thee, thou desertless slave!
166
SIR OLIVER
Come, come, I ha' done.
167
You'll to the gossiping of Master Allwit's child?
168
LADY KIX
Yes, to my much joy!
169
Everyone gets before me: there's my sister
170
Was married but at Barthol'mew eve last,
171
And she can have two children at a birth.
172
O one of them, one of them would ha' served my turn.
173
SIR OLIVER
Sorrow consume thee, thou art still crossing me,
174
And know'st my nature —
175
(Enter a Maid [Jugg].)
JUGG
O mistress! Weeping or railing,
That's our house harmony.
176
LADY KIX
What sayst, Jugg?
177
JUGG
The sweetest news.
178
LADY KIX
What is't, wench?
179
JUGG
Throw down your doctor's drugs,
180
They're all but heretics; I bring certain remedy
181
That has been taught, and proved, and never failed.
182
SIR OLIVER
O that, that, that or nothing.
183
JUGG
There's a gentleman,
184
I haply have his name, too, that has got
185
Nine children by one water that he useth:
186
It never misses; they come so fast upon him,
187
He was fain to give it over.
188
LADY KIX
His name, sweet Jugg?
JUGG
One Master Touchwood, a fine gentleman,
189
But run behind hand much with getting children.
190
SIR OLIVER
Is't possible?
191
JUGG
Why, sir, he'll undertake,
Using that water, within fifteen year,
192
For all your wealth, to make you a poor man,
193
You shall so swarm with children.
194
SIR OLIVER
I'll venture that, i'faith.
195
LADY KIX
That shall you, husband.
JUGG
But I must tell you first, he's very dear.
196
SIR OLIVER
No matter, what serves wealth for?
197
LADY KIX
True, sweet husband.
[SIR OLIVER]
There's land to come. Put case his water stands me
198
In some five hundred pound a pint,
199
'Twill fetch a thousand, and a kersten soul.
200
I'll about it.
201
[LADY KIX]
And that's worth all, sweet husband.
202
(Ex[eunt.])
[SCENE 2]
(Enter Allwit.)
ALLWIT
I'll go bid gossips presently myself,
1
That's all the work I'll do; nor need I stir,
2
But that it is my pleasure to walk forth
3
And air myself a little; I am tied to nothing
4
In this business, what I do is merely recreation,
5
Not constraint.
6
Here's running to and fro, nurse upon nurse,
7
Three charwomen, besides maids and neighbours' children.
8
Fie, what a trouble I have rid my hands on!
9
It makes me sweat to think on't.
10
(Enter Sir Walter Whorehound.)
SIR WALTER
How now, Jack?
ALLWIT
I am going to bid gossips for your worship's child, sir.
11
A goodly girl, i'faith, give you joy on her,
12
She looks as if she had two thousand pound to her portion
13
And run away with a tailor; a fine, plump, black-eyed slut;
14
Under correction, sir,
15
I take delight to see her. - Nurse!
16
(Enter a Dry Nurse.)
DRY NURSE
Do you call, sir?
ALLWIT
I call not you, I call the wet nurse hither.
17
Give me the wet nurse.
18
(Exit [Dry Nurse].)
(Enter Wet Nurse [carrying a baby].)
Ay, 'tis thou,
Come hither, come hither,
19
Let's see her once again; I cannot choose
20
But buss her thrice an hour.
21
WET NURSE
You may be proud on't, sir,
22
'Tis the best piece of work that e'er you did.
23
ALLWIT
Think'st thou so, nurse? What sayest to Wat and Nick?
24
WET NURSE
They're pretty children both, but here's a wench
25
Will be a knocker.
26
ALLWIT
Pup! Sayst thou me so? Pup, little countess.
27
Faith, sir, I thank your worship for this girl,
28
Ten thousand times, and upward.
29
SIR WALTER
I am glad I have her for you, sir.
30
ALLWIT
Here, take her in, nurse; wipe her, and give her spoon-meat.
31
WET NURSE
Wipe your mouth, sir.
32
(Exit [with child].)
ALLWIT
And now about these gossips.
33
SIR WALTER
Get but two, I'll stand for one myself.
34
ALLWIT
To your own child, sir?
35
SIR WALTER
The better policy, it prevents suspicion;
36
'Tis good to play with rumour at all weapons.
37
ALLWIT
Troth, I commend your care, sir; 'tis a thing
38
That I should ne'er have thought on.
39
SIR WALTER
The more slave!
When man turns base, out goes his soul's pure flame,
40
The fat of ease o'erthrows the eyes of shame.
41
ALLWIT
I am studying who to get for godmother
42
Suitable to your worship. Now I ha' thought on't.
43
SIR WALTER
I'll ease you of that care, and please myself in't.
44
My love, the goldsmith's daughter, if I send,
45
Her father will command her.
46
(Enter Davy.)
ALLWIT
I'll fit your worship then with a male partner.
47
SIR WALTER
What is he?
48
ALLWIT
A kind, proper gentleman, brother to Master Touchwood.
49
SIR WALTER
I know Touchwood: has he a brother living?
50
ALLWIT
A neat bachelor.
51
SIR WALTER
Now we know him, we'll make shift with him.
52
Dispatch, the time draws near. — Come hither, Davy.
53
(Exit [with Davy].)
ALLWIT
In troth, I pity him, he ne'er stands still.
54
Poor knight, what pains he takes: sends this way one,
55
That way another, has not an hour's leisure.
56
I would not have thy toil for all thy pleasure.
57
(Enter two Promoters.)
Ha, how now? What are these that stand so close
58
At the street corner, pricking up their ears
59
And snuffing up their noses, like rich men's dogs
60
When the first course goes in? By the mass, promoters!
61
'Tis so, I hold my life, and planted there
62
To arrest the dead corps of poor calves and sheep,
63
Like ravenous creditors that will not suffer
64
The bodies of their poor departed debtors
65
To go to th'grave, but e'en in death to vex
66
And stay the corps, with bills of Middlesex.
67
This Lent will fat the whoresons up with sweetbreads
68
And lard their whores with lamb-stones; what their golls
69
Can clutch goes presently to their Molls and Dolls:
70
The bawds will be so fat with what they earn
71
Their chins will hang like udders by Easter eve
72
And, being stroked, will give the milk of witches.
73
How did the mongrels hear my wife lies in?
74
Well, I may baffle 'em gallantly.
75
I am a stranger both unto the City
76
And to her carnal strictness.
77
PROMOTER 1
Good; your will, sir?
ALLWIT
Pray tell me where one dwells that kills this Lent.
78
PROMOTER 1
Come hither, Dick; a bird, a bird!
79
PROMOTER 2
What is't that you would have?
80
ALLWIT
Faith, any flesh,
But I long especially for veal and green sauce.
81
PROMOTER 1
Green goose, you shall be sauced.
82
ALLWIT
I have half a scornful stomach, no fish will be admitted.
83
PROMOTER 1
Not this Lent, sir?
84
ALLWIT
Lent! What cares colon here for Lent?
85
([Slaps his belly.])
PROMOTER 1
You say well, sir;
86
Good reason that the colon of a gentleman,
87
As you were lately pleased to term your worship, sir,
88
Should be fulfilled with answerable food,
89
To sharpen blood, delight health, and tickle nature.
90
Were you directed hither to this street, sir?
91
ALLWIT
That I was, ay, marry.
92
PROMOTER 2
And the butcher, belike,
Should kill and sell close in some upper room?
93
ALLWIT
Some apple loft, as I take it, or a coal house,
94
I know not which, i'faith.
95
PROMOTER 2
Either will serve.
This butcher shall kiss Newgate, 'less he turn up
96
The bottom of the pocket of his apron. —
97
You go to seek him?
98
ALLWIT
Where you shall not find him;
I'll buy, walk by your noses with my flesh,
99
Sheep-biting mongrels, hand-basket freebooters!
100
My wife lies in; a foutra for promoters!
101
(Exit.)
PROMOTER 1
That shall not serve your turn. What a rogue's this! How cunningly he came over us!
(Enter a Man with meat in a basket.)
PROMOTER 2
Hush't, stand close.
MAN
I have 'scaped well thus far; they say the knaves are wondrous hot and busy.
PROMOTER 1
By your leave, sir,
105
We must see what you have under your cloak there.
106
MAN
Have? I have nothing.
PROMOTER 1
No, do you tell us that? What makes this lump stick out then? We must see, sir.
MAN
What will you see, sir? A pair of sheets, and two of my wife's foul smocks going to the washers?
PROMOTER 2
O we love that sight well, you cannot please us better!
110
([Searches the basket.])
What, do you gull us? Call you these shirts and smocks?
111
MAN
Now a pox choke you!
112
You have cozened me and five of my wife's kin'red
113
Of a good dinner; we must make it up now
114
With herrings and milk pottage.
115
(Exit.)
PROMOTER 1
'Tis all veal.
PROMOTER 2
All veal? Pox, the worse luck! I promised faithfully to send this morning a fat quarter of lamb to a kind gentlewoman in Turnbull Street that longs, and how I'm crossed.
PROMOTER 1
Let's share this, and see what hap comes next then.
117
(Enter another with a basket.)
PROMOTER 2
Agreed. Stand close again; another booty.
118
What's he?
119
PROMOTER 1
Sir, by your favour.
MAN
Meaning me, sir?
PROMOTER 1
Good Master Oliver? Cry thee mercy, i'faith!
120
What has thou there?
121
MAN
A rack of mutton, sir, and half a lamb;
122
you know my mistress's diet.
123
PROMOTER 1
Go, go, we see thee not; away, keep close.
124
Heart, let him pass! Thou'lt never have the wit
125
To know our benefactors.
126
([Exit Man.])
PROMOTER 2
I have forgot him.
PROMOTER 1
'Tis Master Beggarland's man, the wealthy merchant
127
That is in fee with us.
128
PROMOTER 2
Now I have a feeling of him.
129
PROMOTER 1
You know he purchased the whole Lent together,
130
Gave us ten groats a-piece on Ash Wednesday.
131
PROMOTER 2
True, true.
132
(Enter a Wench with a basket, and a child in it under a loin of mutton.)
PROMOTER 1
A wench.
PROMOTER 2
Why then, stand close indeed.
WENCH
Women had need of wit, if they'll shift here,
133
And she that hath wit may shift anywhere.
134
PROMOTER 1
Look, look! Poor fool,
135
She has left the rump uncovered too,
136
More to betray her; this is like a murderer
137
That will outface the deed with a bloody band.
138
PROMOTER 2
What time of the year is't, sister?
139
WENCH
O sweet gentlemen, I am a poor servant,
140
Let me go.
141
PROMOTER 1
You shall, wench, but this must stay with us.
142
WENCH
O you undo me, sir!
143
'Tis for a wealthy gentlewoman that takes physic, sir;
144
The doctor does allow my mistress mutton.
145
O as you tender the dear life of a gentlewoman,
146
I'll bring my master to you; he shall show you
147
A true authority from the higher powers,
148
And I'll run every foot.
149
PROMOTER 2
Well, leave your basket then,
And run and spare not.
150
WENCH
Will you swear then to me
To keep it till I come.
151
PROMOTER 1
Now by this light, I will.
WENCH
What say you, gentleman?
152
PROMOTER 2
What a strange wench 'tis!
Would we might perish else.
153
WENCH
Nay then I run, sir.
(Exit.)
PROMOTER 1
And ne'er return, I hope.
154
PROMOTER 2
A politic baggage,
She makes us swear to keep it;
155
I prithee, look what market she hath made.
156
PROMOTER 1
[Emptying the basket.] Imprimis , sir, a good fat loin of mutton;
157
What comes next under this cloth?
158
Now for a quarter of lamb.
159
PROMOTER 2
Now for a shoulder of mutton.
160
PROMOTER 1
Done.
161
PROMOTER 2
Why, done, sir?
162
PROMOTER 1
[Feeling the basket.] By the mass, I feel I have lost:
163
'Tis of more weight, i'faith.
164
PROMOTER 2
Some loin of veal?
PROMOTER 1
No, faith, here's a lamb's head,
165
I feel that plainly. Why yet [I'll] win my wager.
166
([Discovers child.])
PROMOTER 2
Ha?
167
PROMOTER 1
'Swounds, what's here?
168
PROMOTER 2
A child!
169
PROMOTER 1
A pox of all dissembling cunning whores!
170
PROMOTER 2
Here's an unlucky breakfast!
171
PROMOTER 1
What shall's do?
172
PROMOTER 2
The quean made us swear to keep it too.
173
PROMOTER 1
We might leave it else.
174
PROMOTER 2
Villainous strange!
175
Life, had she none to gull but poor promoters
176
That watch hard for a living?
177
PROMOTER 1
Half our gettings must run in sugar-sops
178
And nurses' wages now, besides many a pound of soap
179
And tallow; we have need to get loins of mutton still,
180
To save suet to change for candles.
181
PROMOTER 2
Nothing mads me but this was a lamb's head with you, you felt it. She has made calves' heads of us.
PROMOTER 1
Prithee, no more on't.
184
There's time to get it up; it is not come
185
To mid-Lent Sunday yet.
186
PROMOTER 2
I am so angry, I'll watch no more today.
187
PROMOTER 1
Faith, nor I neither.
188
PROMOTER 2
Why then I'll make a motion.
189
PROMOTER 1
Well, what is't?
190
PROMOTER 2
Let's e'en go to the Checker at Queenhive and roast the loin of mutton, till young flood; then send the child to Brainford.
([Exeunt.])
[SCENE 3]
(Enter Allwit in one of Sir Walter's suits, and Davy trussing him.)
ALLWIT
'Tis a busy day at our house, Davy.
DAVY
Always the kursning day, sir.
ALLWIT
Truss, truss me, Davy.
DAVY
No matter and you were hanged, sir.
ALLWIT
How does this suit fit me, Davy?
5
DAVY
Excellent neatly; my master's things were ever fit for you, sir, e'en to a hair, you know.
ALLWIT
Thou has hit it right, Davy,
7
We ever jumped in one, this ten years, Davy.
8
(Enter a Servant with a box.)
So, well said. What art thou?
9
SERVANT
Your comfit-maker's man, sir.
10
ALLWIT
O sweet youth, into the nurse quick,
11
Quick, 'tis time, i'faith
12
Your mistress will be here?
13
SERVANT
She was setting forth, sir.
14
(Enter two Puritans.)
ALLWIT
Here comes our gossips now. O I shall have such kissing work today. Sweet Mistress Underman, welcome, i'faith.
PURITAN 1
Give you joy of your fine girl, sir,
16
Grant that her education may be pure,
17
And become one of the faithful.
18
ALLWIT
Thanks to your sisterly wishes, Mistress Underman.
19
PURITAN 2
Are any of the brethren's wives yet come?
20
ALLWIT
There are some wives within, and some at home.
21
PURITAN 1
Verily, thanks, sir.
22
([Exeunt Puritans.])
ALLWIT
Verily, you are an ass, forsooth;
23
I must fit all these times, or there's no music.
24
(Enter two Gossips.)
Here comes a friendly and familiar pair;
25
Now I like these wenches well.
26
GOSSIP 1
How dost, sirrah?
27
ALLWIT
Faith, well, I thank you, neighbour, and how dost thou?
GOSSIP 2
Want nothing, but such getting, sir, as thine.
29
ALLWIT
My gettings, wench? They are poor.
30
GOSSIP 1
Fie that thou'lt say so!
31
Th'ast as fine children as a man can get.
32
DAVY
Ay, as a man can get,
And that's my master.
34
ALLWIT
They are pretty, foolish things.
Put to making in minutes;
35
I ne'er stand long about 'em.
36
Will you walk in, wenches?
37
([Exeunt Gossips.])
(Enter Touchwood Junior and Moll.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
The happiest meeting that our souls could wish for. Here's the ring ready; I am beholding unto your father's haste, h'as kept his hour.
MOLL
He never kept it better.
(Enter Sir Walter Whorehound.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Back, be silent.
SIR WALTER
Mistress and partner, I will put you both into one cup.
([Drinks their health.])
DAVY
Into one cup! Most proper:
42
A fitting compliment for a goldsmith's daughter.
43
ALLWIT
Yes, sir, that's he must be your worship's partner
44
In this day's business, Master Touchwood's brother.
45
SIR WALTER
I embrace your acquaintance, sir.
46
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
It vows your service, sir.
47
SIR WALTER
It's near high time. Come, Master Allwit.
48
ALLWIT
Ready, sir.
49
SIR WALTER
Will't please you walk?
50
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Sir, I obey your time.
51
(Ex[eunt.])
[SCENE 4]
(Enter Midwife with the child, [Maudline, two Puritans] and the Gossips to the kurs'ning.)
([Exit Midwife with child.])
GOSSIP 1
[Offering precedence.] Good Mistress Yellowhammer.
1
MAUDLINE
In faith, I will not.
2
GOSSIP 1
Indeed it shall be yours.
3
MAUDLINE
I have sworn, i'faith.
4
GOSSIP 1
I'll stand still then.
5
MAUDLINE
So will you let the child go without company
6
And make me forsworn.
7
GOSSIP 1
You are such another creature.
8
([Exeunt Gossip 1 and Maudline.])
GOSSIP 2
Before me? I pray come down a little.
9
GOSSIP 3
Not a whit; I hope I know my place.
10
GOSSIP 2
Your place? Great wonder, sure! Are you any better than a comfit-maker's wife?
GOSSIP 3
And that's as good at all times as a 'pothecary's.
12
GOSSIP 2
Ye lie! Yet I forbear you too.
13
([Exeunt Gossips 2 and 3.])
PURITAN 1
Come, sweet sister, we go in unity and show the fruits of peace like children of the spirit.
PURITAN 2
I love lowliness.
([Exeunt Puritans.])
GOSSIP 4
True, so say I: though they strive more,
16
There comes as proud behind as goes before.
17
GOSSIP 5
Every inch, i'faith.
18
([Exeunt.])
ACT THREE
[SCENE I]
(Enter Touchwood Junior and a Parson.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O sir, if ever you felt the force of love, pity it in me!
1
PARSON
Yes, though I ne'er was married, sir,
2
I have felt the force of love from good men's daughters,
3
And some that will be maids yet three years hence.
4
Have you got a licence?
5
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Here, 'tis ready, sir.
PARSON
That's well.
6
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
The ring and all things perfect, she'll steal hither.
7
PARSON
She shall be welcome, sir; I'll not be long
8
A-clapping you together.
9
(Enter Moll and Touchwood Senior.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O here she's come, sir.
PARSON
What's he?
10
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
My honest brother.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Quick, make haste, sirs!
MOLL
You must dispatch with all the speed you can,
11
For I shall be missed straight; I made hard shift
12
For this small time I have.
13
PARSON
Then I'll not linger;
Place that ring upon her finger:
14
([Touchwood Junior places the ring on Moll's finger.])
This the finger plays the part,
15
Whose master-vein shoots from the heart.
16
Now join hands —
17
(Enter Yellowhammer and Sir Walter.)
YELLOWHAMMER
Which I will sever,
And so ne'er again meet never!
18
MOLL
O we are betrayed.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Hard fate!
19
SIR WALTER
I am struck with wonder.
YELLOWHAMMER
Was this the politic fetch, thou mystical baggage,
20
Thou disobedient strumpet?
21
[To Sir Walter] And were so wise to send for her to such an end?
22
SIR WALTER
Now I disclaim the end; you'll make me mad.
23
YELLOWHAMMER
And what are you, sir?
24
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
And you cannot see with those two glasses, put on a pair more.
YELLOWHAMMER
I dreamt of anger still. Here, take your ring, sir.
26
Ha, this? Life, 'tis the same: abominable!
27
Did not I sell this ring?
28
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I think you did, you received money for it.
29
YELLOWHAMMER
Heart, hark you, knight,
30
Here's no inconscionable villainy!
31
Set me a-work to make the wedding ring,
32
And come with an intent to steal my daughter:
33
Did ever runaway match it?
34
SIR WALTER
This your brother, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
He can tell that as well as I.
35
YELLOWHAMMER
The very posy mocks me to my face:
'Love that's wise, blinds parents' eyes.'
37
I thank your wisdom, sir, for blinding of us;
38
We have good hope to recover our sight shortly;
39
In the meantime, I will lock up this baggage
40
As carefully as my gold: she shall see as little sun,
41
If a close room or so can keep her from the light on't.
42
MOLL
O sweet father, for love's sake pity me.
43
YELLOWHAMMER
Away!
44
MOLL
[To Touchwood Junio.] Farewell, sir, all content bless thee,
45
And take this for comfort:
46
Though violence keep me, thou canst lose me never;
47
I am ever thine although we part for ever.
48
YELLOWHAMMER
Ay, we shall part you, minx.
49
(Exit [with Moll].)
SIR WALTER
Your acquaintance, sir, came very lately,
50
Yet it came too soon;
51
I must hereafter know you for no friend,
52
But one that I must shun like pestilence,
53
Or the disease of lust.
54
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Like enough, sir; you ha' ta'en me at the worst time for words that e'er ye picked out; faith, do not wrong me, sir.
(Exit [with Parson].)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Look after him and spare not: there he walks
56
That never yet received baffling; you're blessed
57
More than e'er I knew. Go take your rest.
58
(Exit.)
SIR WALTER
I pardon you, you are both losers.
59
(Exit.)
[SCENE 2]
(A bed thrust out upon the stage, Allwit's Wife in it.)
(Enter all the Gossips [with Maudline,Lady Kix, the Puritans, and Dry Nurse with the child.])
GOSSIP 1
How is't, woman? We have brought you home a kursen soul.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Ay, I thank your pains.
2
PURITAN 1
And verily well kursened, i'the right way,
3
Without idolatry or superstition,
4
After the pure manner of Amsterdam.
5
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Sit down, good neighbours. — Nurse!
6
NURSE
At hand, forsooth.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Look they have all low stools.
7
NURSE
They have, forsooth.
GOSSIP 2
Bring the child hither, nurse. How say you now,
8
Gossip, is't not a chopping girl, so like the father?
9
GOSSIP 3
As if it had been spit out of his mouth,
10
Eyed, nosed and browed as like a girl can be,
11
Only, indeed, it has the mother's mouth.
12
GOSSIP 2
The mother's mouth up and down, up and down!
13
GOSSIP 3
'Tis a large child; she's but a little woman.
14
PURITAN 1
No believe me, a very spiny creature, but all heart,
15
Well mettled, like the faithful, to endure
16
Her tribulation here, and raise up seed.
17
GOSSIP 2
She had a sore labour on't, I warrant you, you can tell, neighbour.
GOSSIP 3
O she had great speed;
19
We were afraid once,
20
But she made us all have joyful hearts again;
21
'Tis a good soul, i'faith;
22
The midwife found her a most cheerful daughter.
23
PURITAN 1
'Tis the spirit; the sisters are all like her.
24
(Enter Sir Walter with two spoons and plate[, Moll] and Allwit.)
GOSSIP 2
O here comes the chief gossip, neighbours.
25
([Exit Nurse with child.])
SIR WALTER
The fatness of your wishes to you all, ladies.
26
GOSSIP 3
O dear sweet gentleman, what fine words he has:
27
'The fatness of our wishes'.
28
GOSSIP 2
Calls us all 'ladies'!
GOSSIP 4
I promise you, a fine gentleman, and a courteous.
29
GOSSIP 2
Methinks her husband shows like a clown to him.
30
GOSSIP 3
I would not care what clown my husband were too, so I had such fine children.
GOSSIP 2
She's all fine children, gossip.
32
GOSSIP 3
Ay, and see how fast they come.
33
PURITAN 1
Children are blessings, if they be got with zeal,
34
By the brethren, as I have five at home.
35
SIR WALTER
[To Mistress Allwit.] The worst is past, I hope now, gossip.
36
MISTRESS ALLWIT
So I hope too, good sir.
37
ALLWIT
Why then so hope I too for company!
38
I have nothing to do else.
39
SIR WALTER
[Giving cup and spoons] A poor remembrance, lady,
40
To the love of the babe; I pray accept of it.
41
MISTRESS ALLWIT
O you are at too much charge, sir.
42
GOSSIP 2
Look, look, what has he given her! What is't, gossip?
43
GOSSIP 3
Now, by my faith, a fair high standing cup and two great 'postle spoons, one of them gilt.
PURITAN 1
Sure that was Judas then with the red beard.
PURITAN 2
I would not feed my daughter with that spoon for all the world, for fear of colouring her hair; red hair the brethren like not, it consumes them much; 'tis not the sisters' colour.
(Enter Nurse with comfits and wine.)
ALLWIT
Well said, nurse;
47
About, about with them amongst the gossips.
48
Now out comes all the tasseled handkerchers;
49
They are spread abroad between their knees already;
50
Now in goes the long fingers that are washed
51
Some thrice a day in urine — my wife uses it.
52
Now we shall have such pocketing;
53
See how they lurch at the lower end.
54
PURITAN 1
Come hither, nurse.
55
ALLWIT
Again! She has taken twice already.
56
PURITAN 1
I had forgot a sister's child that's sick.
57
([Takes more comfits.])
ALLWIT
A pox, it seems your purity loves sweet things well that puts in thrice together. Had this been all my cost now I had been beggared. These women have no consciences at sweetmeats, where'er they come; see and they have not culled out all the long plums, too, they have left nothing here but short wriggle-tail comfits, not worth mouthing; no mar'l I heard a citizen complain once that his wife's belly only broke his back: mine had been all in fitters seven years since, but for this worthy knight that with a prop upholds my wife and me, and all my estate buried in Bucklersberrie.
([Wine is served.])
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Here, Mistress Yellowhammer, and neighbours,
59
To you all that have taken pains with me,
60
All the good wives at once.
61
([Drinks to their health.])
PURITAN 1
I'll answer for them.
They wish all health and strength,
62
And that you may courageously go forward,
63
To perform the like and many such,
64
Like a true sister with motherly bearing.
65
([Drinks.])
ALLWIT
Now the cups troll about to wet the gossips' whistles;
66
It pours down, i'faith; they never think of payment.
67
PURITAN 1
Fill again, nurse.
68
([Drinks again.])
ALLWIT
Now bless thee, two at once! I'll stay no longer;
69
It would kill me and if I paid for't.
70
[To Sir Walter.] Will it please you to walk down and leave the women?
71
SIR WALTER
With all my heart, Jack.
72
ALLWIT
Troth, I cannot blame you.
73
SIR WALTER
Sit you all, merry ladies.
74
ALL GOSSIPS
Thank your worship, sir.
75
PURITAN 1
Thank your worship, sir.
76
ALLWIT
A pox twice tipple ye, you are last and lowest!
77
(Exit [Allwit with Sir Walter].)
PURITAN 1
Bring hither that same cup, nurse, I would fain drive away this (hup!) antichristian grief.
([Nurse refills the glass, then exits.])
GOSSIP 3
See, gossip, and she lies not in like a countess;
79
Would I had such a husband for my daughter!
80
GOSSIP 4
Is not she toward marriage?
81
GOSSIP 3
O no, sweet gossip!
GOSSIP 4
Why, she's nineteen!
82
GOSSIP 3
Ay, that she was last Lammas;
But she has a fault, gossip, a secret fault.
83
GOSSIP 4
A fault, what is't?
84
GOSSIP 3
I'll tell you when I have drunk.
([Drinks.])
GOSSIP 4
Wine can do that, I see, that friendship cannot.
85
GOSSIP 3
And now I'll tell you, gossip: she's too free.
86
GOSSIP 4
Too free?
87
GOSSIP 3
O ay, she cannot lie dry in her bed.
GOSSIP 4
What, and nineteen?
88
GOSSIP 3
'Tis as I tell you, gossip.
([Enter Nurse and speaks to Maudline.])
MAUDLINE
Speak with me, nurse? Who is't?
89
NURSE
A gentleman from Cambridge;
90
I think it be your son, forsooth.
91
MAUDLINE
'Tis my son Tim, i'faith.
92
Prithee call him up among the women;
93
([Exit Nurse.])
'Twill embolden him well,
94
For he wants nothing but audacity.
95
Would the Welsh gentlewoman at home were here now.
96
LADY KIX
Is your son come, forsooth?
97
MAUDLINE
Yes, from the university, forsooth.
98
LADY KIX
'Tis a great joy on ye.
99
MAUDLINE
There's a great marriage towards for him.
100
LADY KIX
A marriage?
101
MAUDLINE
Yes, sure, a huge heir in Wales,
102
At lease to nineteen mountains,
103
Besides her goods and cattle.
104
(Enter [Nurse with] Tim.)
TIM
O I'm betrayed!
(Exit.)
MAUDLINE
What, gone again? Run after him, good nurse;
105
([Exit Nurse.])
He's so bashful, that's the spoil of youth;
106
In the university they're kept still to men,
107
And ne'er trained up to women's company.
108
LADY KIX
'Tis a great spoil of youth, indeed.
109
(Enter Nurse and Tim.)
NURSE
Your mother will have it so.
110
MAUDLINE
Why son, why Tim!
111
What, must I rise and fetch you? For shame, son!
112
TIM
Mother, you do intreat like a freshwoman;
113
'Tis against the laws of the university
114
For any that has answered under Bachelor
115
To thrust 'mongst married wives.
116
MAUDLINE
Come, we'll excuse you here.
117
TIM
Call up my tutor, mother, and I care not.
118
MAUDLINE
What is your tutor come? Have you brought him up?
119
TIM
I ha' not brought him up, he stands at door:
120
Negatur. There's logic to begin with you, mother.
121
MAUDLINE
Run, call the gentleman, nurse, he's my son's tutor.
122
([Exit Nurse.])
Here, eat some plums.
123
TIM
Come I from Cambridge, and offer me six plums?
124
MAUDLINE
Why, how now, Tim,
125
Will not your old tricks yet be left?
126
TIM
Served like a child,
127
When I have answered under bachelor?
128
MAUDLINE
You'll never lin till I make your tutor whip you; you know how I served you once at the free school in Paul's churchyard?
TIM
O monstrous absurdity!
130
Ne'er was the like in Cambridge since my time;
131
Life, whip a bachelor? You'd be laughed at soundly;
132
Let not my tutor hear you!
133
'Twould be a jest through the whole university;
134
No more words, mother.
135
(Enter Tutor.)
MAUDLINE
Is this your tutor, Tim?
136
TUTOR
Yes surely, lady, I am the man that brought him in league with logic, and read the Dunces to him.
TIM
That did he, mother, but now I have 'em all in my own pate, and can as well read 'em to others.
TUTOR
That can he, mistress, for they flow naturally from him.
139
MAUDLINE
I'm the more beholding to your pains, sir.
140
TUTOR
Non ideo sane.
141
MAUDLINE
True, he was an idiot indeed
142
When he went out of London, but now he's well mended.
143
Did you receive the two goose pies I sent you?
144
TUTOR
And eat them heartily, thanks to your worship.
145
MAUDLINE
'Tis my son Tim: I pray bid him welcome, gentlewomen.
146
TIM
'Tim'? Hark you, 'Timotheus', mother, 'Timotheus'.
147
MAUDLINE
How? Shall I deny your name? 'Timotheus', quoth he?
148
Faith, there's a name! 'Tis my son Tim, forsooth.
149
LADY KIX
You're welcome, Master Tim.
150
(Kiss.)
TIM
O this is horrible, she wets as she kisses!
151
Your handkercher, sweet tutor, to wipe them off as fast as they come on.
152
GOSSIP 2
Welcome from Cambridge.
153
(Kiss.)
TIM
This is intolerable! This woman has a villainous sweet breath, did she not stink of comfits. Help me, sweet tutor, or I shall rub my lips off.
TUTOR
I'll go kiss the lower end the whilst.
TIM
Perhaps that's the sweeter, and we shall dispatch the sooner.
PURITAN 1
Let me come next. Welcome from the well-spring of discipline that waters all the brethren.
(Reels and falls.)
TIM
Hoist, I beseech thee.
GOSSIP 3
O bless the woman! — Mistress Underman!
159
([Puritan 1 is helped to her feet.])
PURITAN 1
'Tis but the common affliction of the faithful,
160
We must embrace our falls.
161
TIM
I'm glad I 'scaped it, it was some rotten kiss, sure:
162
It dropped down before it came at me.
163
(Enter Allwit and Davy.)
ALLWIT
Here's a noise! Not parted yet?
164
Hyda, a looking glass! They have drunk so hard in plate
165
That some of them had need of other vessels.
166
[Aloud.] Yonder's the bravest show.
167
ALL GOSSIPS
Where? Where, sir?
168
ALLWIT
Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,
169
With two brave drums and a standard bearer.
170
ALL GOSSIPS
O brave!
171
TIM
Come, tutor.
172
(Ex[eunt Tim and Tutor.])
ALL GOSSIPS
Farewell, sweet gossip.
173
(Ex[eunt Gossips.])
MISTRESS ALLWIT
I thank you all for your pains.
174
PURITAN 1
Feed and grow strong.
175
([Exeunt all except Allwit and Davy.])
ALLWIT
You had more need to sleep than eat;
176
Go take a nap with some of the brethren, go,
177
And rise up a well-edified, boldified sister!
178
O here's a day of toil well passed o'er,
179
Able to make a citizen hare mad!
180
How hot they have made the room with their thick bums;
181
Dost not feel it, Davy?
182
DAVY
Monstrous strong, sir.
183
ALLWIT
What's here under the stools?
184
DAVY
Nothing but wet, sir; some wine spilt here, belike.
185
ALLWIT
Is't no worse, thinkst thou?
186
Fair needlework stools cost nothing with them, Davy.
187
DAVY
Nor you neither, i'faith.
188
ALLWIT
Look how they have laid them,
189
E'en as they lie themselves, with their heels up;
190
How they have shuffled up the rushes too, Davy,
191
With their short, figging, little, shittle-cork heels!
192
These women can let nothing stand as they find it.
193
But what's the secret thou'st about to tell me,
194
My honest Davy?
195
DAVY
If you should disclose it, sir —
196
ALLWIT
Life, rip my belly up to the throat then, Davy.
197
DAVY
My master's upon marriage.
198
ALLWIT
Marriage, Davy? Send me to hanging rather.
199
DAVY
I have stung him.
200
ALLWIT
When, where? What is she, Davy?
201
DAVY
E'en the same was gossip, and gave the spoon.
202
ALLWIT
I have no time to stay, nor scarce can speak;
203
I'll stop those wheels, or all the work will break.
204
(Exit.)
DAVY
I knew 'twould prick. Thus do I fashion still
205
All mine own ends by him and his rank toil:
206
'Tis my desire to keep him still from marriage;
207
Being his poor nearest kinsman, I may fare
208
The better at his death; there my hopes build
209
Since my Lady Kix is dry, and hath no child.
210
(Exit.)
[SCENE 3]
(Enter both the Touchwoods.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Y'are in the happiest way to enrich yourself
1
And pleasure me, brother, as man's feet can tread in,
2
For though she be locked up, her vow is fixed only to me;
3
Then time shall never grieve me, for by that vow,
4
E'en absent I enjoy her, assuredly confirmed that none
5
Else shall, which will make tedious years seem gameful
6
To me. In the mean space, lose you no time, sweet brother;
7
You have the means to strike at this knight's fortunes
8
And lay him level with his bankrout merit;
9
Get but his wife with child, perch at tree top,
10
And shake the golden fruit into her lap.
11
About it before she weep herself to a dry ground,
12
And whine out all her goodness.
13
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Prithee, cease;
I find a too much aptness in my blood
14
For such a business without provocation;
15
You might well spared this banquet of eryngoes,
16
Artichokes, potatoes, and your buttered crab;
17
They were fitter kept for your own wedding dinner.
18
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Nay and you'll follow my suit, and save my purse too,
19
Fortune dotes on me: he's in happy case
20
Finds such an honest friend i'the common place.
21
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Life, what makes thee so merry? Thou hast no cause
22
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,
23
Unless there be news come, with new additions.
24
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Why there thou hast it right,
25
I look for her this evening, brother.
26
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
How's that, 'look for her'?
27
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I will deliver you of the wonder straight, brother:
28
By the firm secrecy and kind assistance
29
Of a good wench i'the house, who, made of pity,
30
Weighing the case her own, she's led through gutters,
31
Strange hidden ways, which none but love could find,
32
Or ha' the heart to venture; I expect her
33
Where you would little think.
34
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I care not where,
So she be safe, and yours.
35
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Hope tells me so;
But from your love and time my peace must grow.
36
(Exit.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
You know the worst then, brother. Now to my Kix,
37
The barren he and she; they're i'the next room;
38
But to say which of their two humours hold them
39
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
40
SIR OLIVER
[To his Lady within.] Thou liest, barrenness!
41
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
O is't that time of day? Give you joy of your tongue,
42
There's nothing else good in you: this their life
43
The whole day, from eyes open to eyes shut,
44
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends,
45
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,
46
And then be pleased again, no man knows which way;
47
Fall out like giants, and fall in like children;
48
Their fruit can witness as much.
49
(Enter Sir Oliver Kix and his Lady.)
SIR OLIVER
'Tis thy fault.
50
LADY KIX
Mine, drouth and coldness?
51
SIR OLIVER
Thine, 'tis thou art barren.
52
LADY KIX
I barren! O life, that I durst but speak now,
53
In mine own justice, in mine own right! I barren!
54
'Twas otherways with me when I was at Court;
55
I was ne'er called so till I was married.
56
SIR OLIVER
I'll be divorced.
57
LADY KIX
Be hanged! I need not wish it,
That will come too soon to thee: I may say
58
'Marriage and hanging goes by destiny',
59
For all the goodness I can find in't yet.
60
SIR OLIVER
I'll give up house, and keep some fruitful whore,
61
Like an old bachelor, in a tradesman's chamber;
62
She and her children shall have all.
63
LADY KIX
Where be they?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Pray cease;
64
When there are friendlier courses took for you
65
To get and multiply within your house,
66
At your own proper costs in spite of censure,
67
Methinks an honest peace might be established.
68
SIR OLIVER
What, with her? Never.
69
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Sweet sir!
SIR OLIVER
You work all in vain.
LADY KIX
Then he doth all like thee.
70
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Let me intreat, sir.
SIR OLIVER
Singleness confound her!
71
I took her with one smock.
72
LADY KIX
But indeed you came not so single,
73
When you came from shipboard.
74
SIR OLIVER
Heart, she bit sore there!
75
[To Touchwood Senior.] Prithee, make's friends.
76
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Is't come to that? The peal begins to cease.
77
SIR OLIVER
I'll sell all at an outcry.
78
LADY KIX
Do thy worst, slave!
[To Touchwood Senior.] Good sweet sir, bring us into love again.
79
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Some would think this impossible to compass. —
80
Pray let this storm fly over.
81
SIR OLIVER
Good sir, pardon me: I'm master of this house,
82
Which I'll sell presently, I'll clap up bills this evening.
83
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Lady, friends – come!
84
LADY KIX
If e'er ye loved woman, talk not on't, sir.
85
What, friends with him? Good faith, do you think I'm mad?
86
With one that's scarce the hinder quarter of a man?
87
SIR OLIVER
Thou art nothing of a woman.
88
LADY KIX
Would I were less than nothing.
89
(Weeps.)
SIR OLIVER
Nay, prithee, what dost mean?
90
LADY KIX
I cannot please you.
SIR OLIVER
I'faith, thou art a good soul, he lies that says it;
91
Buss, buss, pretty rogue.
92
([Kisses her.])
LADY KIX
You care not for me.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Can any man tell now which way they came in?
93
By this light, I'll be hanged then!
94
SIR OLIVER
Is the drink come?
95
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here's a little vial of almond-milk
96
That stood me in some three pence.
97
SIR OLIVER
I hope to see thee, wench, within these few years,
98
Circled with children, pranking up a girl,
99
And putting jewels in their little ears;
100
Fine sport, i'faith.
101
LADY KIX
Ay, had you been aught, husband,
It had been done ere this time.
102
SIR OLIVER
'Had been aught'! Hang thee, hadst thou been aught!
103
But a cross thing I ever found thee.
104
LADY KIX
Thou art a grub to say so.
105
SIR OLIVER
A pox on thee!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
By this light they are out again at the same door,
106
And no man can tell which way. —
107
Come, here's your drink, sir.
108
SIR OLIVER
I will not take it now, sir,
109
And I were sure to get three boys ere midnight.
110
LADY KIX
Why there thou show'st now of what breed thou com'st,
111
To hinder generation! O thou villain,
112
That knows how crookedly the world goes with us
113
For want of heirs, yet put by all good fortune.
114
SIR OLIVER
Hang, strumpet, I will take it now in spite!
115
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Then you must ride upon't five hours.
116
SIR OLIVER
I mean so. — Within there!
117
(Enter a Servant.)
SERVANT
Sir?
118
SIR OLIVER
Saddle the white mare;
119
I'll take a whore along, and ride to Ware.
120
LADY KIX
Ride to the Devil!
SIR OLIVER
I'll plague you every way.
121
Look ye, do you see, 'tis gone.
122
(Drinks.)
LADY KIX
A pox go with it!
123
SIR OLIVER
Ay, curse and spare not now.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Stir up and down, sir, you must not stand.
124
SIR OLIVER
Nay, I'm not given to standing.
125
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
So much the better, sir, for the —
126
SIR OLIVER
I never could stand long in one place yet,
127
I learnt it of my father, ever figient.
128
How if I crossed this, sir?
129
(Capers.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
— Although you brake your neck, sir.
SIR OLIVER
What say you to a table thus high, sir?
131
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Nothing better, sir. If it be furnished with good victuals. — You remember how the bargain runs about this business?
SIR OLIVER
Or else I had a bad head; you must receive, sir, four hundred pounds of me at four several payments: one hundred pound now in hand.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Right, that I have, sir.
134
SIR OLIVER
Another hundred when my wife is quick; the third when she's brought a-bed; and the last hundred when the child cries, for if it should be stillborn, it doth no good, sir.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
All this is even still; a little faster, sir.
136
SIR OLIVER
Not a whit, sir,
137
I'm in an excellent pace for any physic.
138
(Enter a Servant.)
SERVANT
Your white mare's ready.
139
SIR OLIVER
I shall up presently.
(Exit Servant.)
One kiss, and farewell.
140
LADY KIX
Thou shalt have two, love.
SIR OLIVER
Expect me about three.
141
(Exit.)
LADY KIX
With all my heart, sweet.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
By this light they have forgot their anger since,
142
And are as far in again as e'er they were.
143
Which way the devil came they? Heart, I saw 'em not,
144
Their ways are beyond finding out.
145
LADY KIX
How must I take mine, sir?
146
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Clean contrary, yours must be taken lying.
147
LADY KIX
Abed, sir?
148
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Abed, or where you will for your own ease;
149
Your coach will serve.
150
LADY KIX
The physic must needs please.
(Ex[eunt.])
ACT FOUR
[SCENE 1]
(Enter Tim and Tutor.)
TIM
Negatur argumentum, tutor.
TUTOR
Probo tibi, pupil, stultus non est animal rationale.
TIM
Falleris sane.
TUTOR
Quaeso ut taceas: probo tibi —
TIM
Quomodo probas, domine?
TUTOR
Stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale.
TIM
Sic argumentaris, domine: stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale. Negatur argumentum again, tutor.
TUTOR
Argumentum iterum probo tibi, domine: qui non participat de ratione, nullo modo potest vocari rationalis; but stultus non participat de ratione, ergo stultus nullo modo potest dici rationalis.
TIM
Participat.
TUTOR
Sic disputas: qui participat, quomodo participat?
TIM
Ut homo, probabo tibi in syllogismo.
TUTOR
Hunc proba.
TIM
Sic probo, domine: stultus est homo sicut tu et ego summus; homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
(Enter Maudline.)
MAUDLINE
Here's nothing but disputing all the day long with 'em.
14
TUTOR
Sic disputus: stultus est homo sicut tu et ego summus, homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
MAUDLINE
Your reasons are both good what e'er they be;
16
Pray, give them o'er; faith, you'll tire yourselves.
17
What's the matter between you?
18
TIM
Nothing but reasoning about a fool, mother.
19
MAUDLINE
About a fool, son? Alas, what need you trouble your heads about that? None of us all but knows what a fool is.
TIM
Why, what's a fool, mother?
21
I come to you now.
22
MAUDLINE
Why, one that's married before he has wit.
TIM
'Tis pretty, i'faith, and well guessed of a woman never brought up at the university; but bring forth what fool you will, mother, I'll prove him to be as reasonable a creature as myself or my tutor here.
MAUDLINE
Fie, 'tis impossible.
TUTOR
Nay, he shall do't, forsooth.
26
TIM
'Tis the easiest thing to prove a fool by logic;
27
By logic I'll prove anything.
28
MAUDLINE
What, thou wilt not!
TIM
I'll prove a whore to be an honest woman.
30
MAUDLINE
Nay, by my faith, she must prove that herself, or logic will never do't.
TIM
'Twill do't I tell you.
32
MAUDLINE
Some in this street would give a thousand pounds that you could prove their wives so.
TIM
Faith, I can, and all their daughters too, though they had three bastards. When comes your tailor hither?
MAUDLINE
Why what of him?
TIM
By logic I'll prove him to be a man,
36
Let him come when he will.
37
MAUDLINE
How hard at first was learning to him! Truly, sir, I thought he would never a took the Latin tongue. How many Accidences do you think he wore out ere he came to his Grammar?
TUTOR
Some three or four?
MAUDLINE
Believe me, sir, some four and thirty.
TIM
Pish, I made haberdines of 'em in church porches.
MAUDLINE
He was eight years in his Grammar and stuck horribly at a foolish place there called as in presenti .
TIM
Pox, I have it here now.
([Taps his forehead.])
MAUDLINE
He so shamed me once before an honest gentleman that knew me when I was a maid.
TIM
These women must have all out.
MAUDLINE
'Quid est grammatica?' says the gentleman to him (I shall remember by a sweet, sweet token), but nothing could he answer.
TUTOR
How now, pupil, ha? Quid est grammatica?
TIM
Grammatica? Ha, ha, ha!
MAUDLINE
Nay, do not laugh, son, but let me hear you say it now: there was one word went so prettily off the gentleman's tongue, I shall remember it the longest day of my life.
TUTOR
Come, quid est grammatica?
50
TIM
Are you not ashamed, tutor? Grammatica? Why, recte scribendi atque loquendi ars , sir-reverence of my mother.
MAUDLINE
That was it, i'faith! Why now, son, I see you are a deep scholar; and, master tutor, a word I pray. Let us withdraw a little into my husband's chamber; I'll send in the North Wales gentlewoman to him, she looks for wooing. I'll put together both and lock the door.
TUTOR
I give great approbation to your conclusion.
(Exit [with Maudline].)
TIM
I mar'l what this gentlewoman should be
54
That I should have in marriage: she's a stranger to me;
55
I wonder what my parents mean, i'faith,
56
To match me with a stranger so:
57
A maid that's neither kiff nor kin to me.
58
Life, do they think I have no more care of my body
59
Than to lie with one that I ne'er knew,
60
A mere stranger,
61
One that ne'er went to school with me neither,
62
Nor ever playfellows together?
63
They're mightily o'erseen in't, methinks.
64
They say she has mountains to her marriage;
65
She's full of cattle, some two thousand runts;
66
Now what the meaning of these runts should be,
67
My tutor cannot tell me;
68
I have looked in Rider's Dictionary for the letter R
69
And there I can hear no tidings of these runts neither;
70
Unless they should be Rumford hogs,
71
I know them not.
72
(Enter Welsh Gentlewoman.)
And here she comes.
73
If I know what to say to her now
74
In the way of marriage, I'm no graduate!
75
Methinks, i'faith, 'tis boldly done of her
76
To come into my chamber, being but a stranger;
77
She shall not say I'm so proud yet, but I'll speak to her:
78
Marry, as I will order it,
79
She shall take no hold of my words, I'll warrant her.
80
([She curtsys.])
She looks and makes a cur'sey! —
81
Salve tu quoque, puella pulcherrima,
82
Quid vis nescio nec sane curo, —
83
Tully's own phrase to a heart!
84
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
I know not what he means;
85
A suitor, quotha?
86
I hold my life he understands no English.
87
TIM
Fertur, mehercule tu virgo,
88
Wallia ut opibus abundis maximis.
89
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
What's this fertur and abundundis ?
90
He mocks me sure, and calls me a bundle of farts.
91
TIM
I have no Latin word now for their runts; I'll make some shift or other. —
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
This is most strange. May be he can speak Welsh. —
TIM
Cog foggin? I scorn to cog with her; I'll tell her so too, in a word near her own language. —
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
Rhegosin a whiggin harle ron corid ambre.
TIM
By my faith, she's a good scholar, I see that already:
96
She has the tongues plain; I hold my life she has travelled.
97
What will folks say? 'There goes the learned couple!'
98
Faith, if the truth were known, she hath proceeded.
99
(Enter Maudline.)
MAUDLINE
How now, how speeds your business?
100
TIM
I'm glad my mother's come to part us.
101
MAUDLINE
How do you agree, forsooth?
102
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
As well as e'er we did before we met.
103
MAUDLINE
How's that?
104
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
You put me to a man I understand not;
105
Your son's no English man methinks.
106
MAUDLINE
No English man? Bless my boy,
107
And born i'the heart of London!
108
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
I ha' been long enough in the chamber with him
109
And I find neither Welsh nor English in him.
110
MAUDLINE
Why, Tim, how have you used the gentlewoman?
111
TIM
As well as a man might do, mother, in modest Latin.
112
MAUDLINE
Latin, fool!
113
TIM
And she recoiled in Hebrew.
114
MAUDLINE
In Hebrew, fool? 'Tis Welsh.
115
TIM
All comes to one, mother.
116
MAUDLINE
She can speak English too.
117
TIM
Who told me so much?
118
Heart, and she can speak English, I'll clap to her;
119
I thought you'd marry me to a stranger.
120
MAUDLINE
You must forgive him, he's so inured to Latin,
121
He and his tutor, that he hath quite forgot
122
To use the Protestant tongue.
123
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
'Tis quickly pardoned, forsooth.
124
MAUDLINE
Tim, make amends and kiss her.
125
[To her.] He makes towards you, forsooth.
126
([Tim kisses Welsh Gentlewoman.])
TIM
O delicious! One may discover her country by her kissing. 'Tis a true saying, 'There's nothing tastes so sweet as your Welsh mutton.' — It was reported you could sing.
MAUDLINE
O rarely, Tim, the sweetest British songs.
TIM
And 'tis my mind, I swear, before I marry
129
I would see all my wife's good parts at once,
130
To view how rich I were.
131
MAUDLINE
Thou shalt hear sweet music, Tim.
132
[To Welsh Gentlewoman.] Pray, forsooth.
(Music and Welsh song.)
(THE SONG [sung by Welsh Gentlewoman].)
Cupid is Venus' only joy,
133
But he is a wanton boy,
134
A very, very wanton boy;
135
He shoots at ladies' naked breasts,
136
He is the cause of most men's crests,
137
I mean upon the forehead,
138
Invisible but horrid;
139
'Twas he first taught upon the way
140
To keep a lady's lips in play.
141
Why should not Venus chide her son
142
For the pranks that he hath done,
143
The wanton pranks that he hath done?
144
He shoots his fiery darts so thick,
145
They hurt poor ladies to the quick,
146
Ah me, with cruel wounding!
147
His darts are so confounding
148
That life and sense would soon decay,
149
But that he keeps their lips in play.
150
Can there be any part of bliss
151
In a quickly fleeting kiss,
152
A quickly fleeting kiss?
153
To one's pleasure, leisures are but waste,
154
The slowest kiss makes too much haste,
155
And lose it ere we find it;
156
The pleasing sport they only know
157
That close above and close below.
158
TIM
I would not change my wife for a kingdom;
159
I can do somewhat too in my own lodging.
160
(Enter Yellowhammer and Allwit [who is disguised].)
YELLOWHAMMER
Why well said, Tim! The bells go merrily;
161
I love such peals a' life; wife, lead them in a while;
162
Here's a strange gentleman desires private conference.
163
([Exeunt Maudline, Tim and Welsh Gentlewoman.])
You're welcome, sir, the more for your name's sake:
164
Good Master Yellowhammer, I love my name well,
165
And which a' the Yellowhammers take you descent from,
166
If I may be so bold with you? Which, I pray?
167
ALLWIT
The Yellowhammers in Oxfordshire,
168
Near Abbington.
169
YELLOWHAMMER
And those are the best Yellowhammers and truest bred: I came from thence myself, though now a Citizen. I'll be bold with you; you are most welcome.
ALLWIT
I hope the zeal I bring with me shall deserve it.
171
YELLOWHAMMER
I hope no less; what is your will, sir?
172
ALLWIT
I understand by rumours, you have a daughter,
173
Which my bold love shall henceforth title 'cousin.'
174
YELLOWHAMMER
I thank you for her, sir.
175
ALLWIT
I heard of her virtues and other confirmed graces.
176
YELLOWHAMMER
A plaguey girl, sir.
177
ALLWIT
Fame sets her out with richer ornaments
178
Than you are pleased to boast of; 'tis done modestly.
179
I hear she's towards marriage.
180
YELLOWHAMMER
You hear truth, sir.
181
ALLWIT
And with a knight in town, Sir Walter Whorehound.
182
YELLOWHAMMER
The very same, sir.
183
ALLWIT
I am the sorrier for't.
184
YELLOWHAMMER
The sorrier? Why, cousin?
185
ALLWIT
'Tis not too far past, is't? It may be yet recalled?
186
YELLOWHAMMER
Recalled? Why, good sir?
187
ALLWIT
Resolve me in that point, ye shall hear from me.
188
YELLOWHAMMER
There's no contract passed.
189
ALLWIT
I am very joyful, sir.
190
YELLOWHAMMER
But he's the man must bed her.
191
ALLWIT
By no means, cuz; she's quite undone then
192
And you'll curse the time that e'er you made the match;
193
He's an arrant whoremaster, consumes his time and state, —
194
[Whispers.] — whom in my knowledge he hath kept this seven years;
195
Nay, cuz, another man's wife too.
196
YELLOWHAMMER
O abominable!
197
ALLWIT
Maintains the whole house, apparels the husband,
198
Pays servants' wages, not so much but —
199
([Whispers.])
YELLOWHAMMER
Worse and worse! And doth the husband know this?
200
ALLWIT
Knows? Ay, and glad he may too, 'tis his living:
201
As other trades thrive, butchers by selling flesh,
202
Poulters by venting conies, or the like, cuz.
203
YELLOWHAMMER
What an incomparable wittol's this!
204
ALLWIT
Tush, what cares he for that?
205
Believe me, cuz, no more than I do.
206
YELLOWHAMMER
What a base slave is that!
207
ALLWIT
All's one to him: he feeds and takes his ease,
208
Was ne'er the man that ever broke his sleep
209
To get a child yet, by his own confession,
210
And yet his wife has seven.
211
YELLOWHAMMER
What, by Sir Walter?
212
ALLWIT
Sir Walter's like to keep 'em, and maintain 'em,
213
In excellent fashion; he dares do no less, sir.
214
YELLOWHAMMER
Life, has he children too?
215
ALLWIT
Children? Boys thus high,
216
In their Cato and Cordelius.
217
YELLOWHAMMER
What, you jest, sir!
218
ALLWIT
Why, one can make a verse
219
And is now at Eton College.
220
YELLOWHAMMER
O this news has cut into my heart, cuz!
221
ALLWIT
It had eaten nearer if it had not been prevented.
222
One Allwit's wife.
223
YELLOWHAMMER
Allwit? Foot, I have heard of him;
224
He had a girl kursened lately?
225
ALLWIT
Ay, that work did cost the knight above a hundred mark.
226
YELLOWHAMMER
I'll mark him for a knave and villain for't;
227
A thousand thanks and blessings! I have done with him.
228
ALLWIT
Ha, ha, ha! This knight will stick by my ribs still;
229
I shall not lose him yet, no wife will come;
230
Where'er he woos, I find him still at home, ha, ha!
231
(Exit.)
YELLOWHAMMER
Well grant all this, say now his deeds are black,
Pray what serves marriage, but to call him back;
233
I have kept a whore myself, and had a bastard,
234
By Mistress Anne, in Anno —
235
I care not who knows it; he's now a jolly fellow,
236
H'as been twice warden; so may his fruit be:
237
They were but base begot, and so was he.
238
The knight is rich, he shall be my son-in-law,
239
No matter, so the whore he keeps be wholesome;
240
My daughter takes no hurt then, so let them wed,
241
I'll have him sweat well e'er they go to bed.
242
(Enter Maudline.)
MAUDLINE
O husband, husband!
243
YELLOWHAMMER
How now, Maudline?
244
MAUDLINE
We are all undone! She's gone, she's gone!
245
YELLOWHAMMER
Again? Death! Which way?
246
MAUDLINE
Over the houses.
247
Lay the waterside, she's gone forever, else.
248
YELLOWHAMMER
O vent'rous baggage!
249
(Exit [with Maudline].)
(Enter Tim and Tutor.)
TIM
Thieves, thieves! My sister's stolen!
250
Some thief hath got her.
251
O how miraculously did my father's plate 'scape!
252
'Twas all left out, tutor.
253
TUTOR
Is't possible?
254
TIM
Besides three chains of pearl and a box of coral.
255
My sister's gone, let's look at Trig stairs for her;
256
My mother's gone to lay the Common stairs
257
At Puddle wharf, and at the dock below
258
Stands my poor silly father. Run, sweet tutor, run.
259
(Exit [with Tutor].)
[SCENE 2]
(Enter both the Touchwoods.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I had been taken, brother, by eight sergeants,
1
But for the honest watermen; I am bound to them,
2
They are the most requiteful'st people living:
3
For as they get their means by gentlemen,
4
They are still the forwardest to help gentlemen.
5
You heard how one 'scaped out of the Blackfriars
6
But a while since from two or three varlets
7
Came into the house with all their rapiers drawn,
8
As if they'd dance the sword-dance on the stage,
9
With candles in their hands like chandlers' ghosts,
10
Whilst the poor gentleman so pursued and bandied
11
Was by an honest pair of oars safely landed.
12
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I love them with my heart for't.
13
(Enter three or four Watermen.)
WATERMAN 1
Your first man, sir.
WATERMAN 2
Shall I carry you gentlemen with a pair of oars?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
These be the honest fellows:
16
Take one pair, and leave the rest for her.
17
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Barn Elms.
18
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
No more, brother.
19
WATERMAN 1
Your first man.
([Exit Touchwood Senior with Waterman 1.])
WATERMAN 2
Shall I carry your worship?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Go. —
22
And you honest watermen that stay,
23
Here's a French crown for you;
24
([Gives money.])
There comes a maid with all speed to take water,
25
Row her lustily to Barn Elms after me.
26
WATERMAN 2
To Barn Elms, good sir. Make ready the boat, Sam. We'll wait below.
([Exeunt Watermen.])
(Enter Moll.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
What made you stay so long?
28
MOLL
I found the way more dangerous than I looked for.
29
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Away, quick! There's a boat waits for you;
30
And I'll take water at Paul's wharf and overtake you.
31
MOLL
Good sir, do; we cannot be too safe.
32
([Exeunt.])
[SCENE 3]
(Enter Sir Walter, Yellowhammer, Tim and Tutor.)
SIR WALTER
Life, call you this close keeping?
YELLOWHAMMER
She was kept under a double lock.
SIR WALTER
A double devil!
TIM
That's a buff sergeant, tutor, he'll ne'er wear out.
YELLOWHAMMER
How would you have women locked?
TIM
With padlocks, father; the Venetian uses it, my tutor reads it.
SIR WALTER
Heart, if she were so locked up, how got she out?
YELLOWHAMMER
There was a little hole looked into the gutter,
8
But who would have dreamt of that?
9
SIR WALTER
A wiser man would.
10
TIM
He says true, father, a wise man for love will seek every hole; my tutor knows it.
TUTOR
Verum poeta dicit.
12
TIM
Dicit Virgilius , father.
13
YELLOWHAMMER
Prithee, talk of thy gills somewhere else, she's played the gill with me. Where's your wise mother now?
TIM
Run mad, I think; I thought she would have drowned herself, she would not stay for oars, but took a smelt boat: sure, I think she be gone a-fishing for her!
YELLOWHAMMER
She'll catch a goodly dish of gudgeons now,
16
Will serve us all to supper.
17
(Enter Maudline drawing Moll by the hair, and Watermen.)
MAUDLINE
I'll tug thee home by the hair.
WATERMEN
Good mistress, spare her.
MAUDLINE
Tend your own business.
WATERMEN
You are a cruel mother.
(Ex[eunt Watermen].)
MOLL
O my heart dies!
MAUDLINE
I'll make thee an example for all the neighbours' daughters.
MOLL
Farewell, life!
MAUDLINE
You that have tricks can counterfeit.
YELLOWHAMMER
Hold, hold, Maudline!
MAUDLINE
I have brought your jewel by the hair.
YELLOWHAMMER
She's here, knight.
SIR WALTER
Forbear or I'll grow worse.
TIM
Look on her, tutor, she hath brought her from the water like a mermaid: she's but half my sister now, as far as the flesh goes, the rest may be sold to fishwives.
MAUDLINE
Dissembling, cunning baggage!
YELLOWHAMMER
Impudent strumpet!
SIR WALTER
Either give over both, or I'll give over!
33
[To Moll.] Why have you used me thus, unkind mistress?
34
Wherein have I deserved?
35
YELLOWHAMMER
You talk too fondly, sir. We'll take another course and prevent all; we might have done't Iong since; we'll lose no time now, nor trust to't any longer: tomorrow morn as early as sunrise we'll have you joined.
MOLL
O bring me death tonight, love-pitying Fates,
37
Let me not see tomorrow up upon the world.
38
YELLOWHAMMER
Are you content, sir, till then she shall be watched?
39
MAUDLINE
Baggage, you shall.
(Exit [with Moll and Yellowhammer].)
TIM
Why, father, my tutor and I will both watch in armour.
TUTOR
How shall we do for weapons?
TIM
Take you no care for that, if need be I can send for conquering metal, tutor, ne'er lost day yet; 'tis but at Westminster; I am acquainted with him that keeps the monuments; I can borrow Harry the Fifth's sword, 'twill serve us both to watch with.
(Exit [with Tutor].)
SIR WALTER
I never was so near my wish, as this chance
44
Makes me; ere tomorrow noon,
45
I shall receive two thousand pound in gold
46
And a sweet maidenhead
47
Worth forty.
48
(Enter Touchwood Junior with a Waterman.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O thy news splits me!
49
WATERMAN
Half drowned, she cruelly tugged her by the hair,
50
Forced her disgracefully, not like a mother.
51
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Enough, leave me, like my joys.
52
(Exit Waterman.)
[To Sir Walter.] Sir, saw you not a wretched maid pass this way? —
53
Heart, villain, is it thou?
54
SIR WALTER
Yes, slave, 'tis I!
(Both draw and fight.)
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I must break through thee then: there is no stop
55
That checks my tongue and all my hopeful fortunes,
56
That breast excepted, and I must have way.
57
SIR WALTER
Sir, I believe 'twill hold your life in play.
58
([Wounds Touchwood Junior.])
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Sir, you'll gain the heart in my breast at first!
59
SIR WALTER
There is no dealing then? Think on the dowry for two thousand pounds.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[Wounding Sir Walter.] O now 'tis quit, sir.
61
SIR WALTER
And being of even hand, I'll play no longer.
62
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
No longer, slave?
63
SIR WALTER
I have certain things to think on
64
Before I dare go further.
65
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
But one bout?
I'll follow thee to death, but ha't out.
66
(Ex[eunt.])
ACT FIVE
[SCENE 1]
(Enter Allwit, his Wife, and Davy Dahumma.)
MISTRESS ALLWIT
A misery of a house!
1
ALLWIT
What shall become of us?
2
DAVY
I think his wound be mortal.
3
ALLWIT
Think'st thou so, Davy?
4
Then am I mortal too, but a dead man, Davy;
5
This is no world for me, when e'er he goes,
6
I must e'en truss up all, and after him, Davy;
7
A sheet with two knots, and away!
8
(Enter Sir Walter led in hurt [by two Servants.].)
DAVY
O see, sir,
How faint he goes! Two of my fellows lead him.
9
MISTRESS ALLWIT
O me!
10
([Faints.])
ALLWIT
Hyday, my wife's laid down too! Here's like to be
11
A good house kept, when we are altogether down.
12
Take pains with her, good Davy, cheer her up there.
13
Let me come to his worship, let me come.
14
([Exeunt Servants.])
SIR WALTER
Touch me not, villain! My wound aches at thee,
15
Thou poison to my heart!
16
ALLWIT
He raves already,
His senses are quite gone, he knows me not. —
17
Look up, an't like your worship; heave those eyes;
18
Call me to mind; is your remembrance left?
19
Look in my face: who am I, an't like your worship?
20
SIR WALTER
If any thing be worse than slave or villain,
21
Thou art the man.
22
ALLWIT
Alas, his poor worship's weakness!
He will begin to know me by little and little.
23
SIR WALTER
No devil can be like thee!
24
ALLWIT
Ah, poor gentleman,
Methinks the pain that thou endurest.
25
SIR WALTER
Thou know'st me to be wicked, for thy baseness
26
Kept the eyes open still on all my sins;
27
None knew the dear account my soul stood charged with
28
So well as thou, yet like Hell's flattering angel
29
Would'st thou never tell me on't, let'st me go on
30
And join with death in sleep: that if I had not waked
31
Now by chance, even by a stranger's pity,
32
I had everlastingly slept out all hope
33
Of grace and mercy.
34
ALLWIT
Now he is worse and worse.
Wife, to him wife, thou wast wont to do good on him.
35
MISTRESS ALLWIT
How is't with you, sir?
36
SIR WALTER
Not as with you,
Thou loathsome strumpet! Some good pitying man
37
Remove my sins out of my sight a little;
38
I tremble to behold her, she keeps back
39
All comfort while she stays. Is this a time,
40
Unconscionable woman, to see thee?
41
Art thou so cruel to the peace of man,
42
Not to give liberty now? The devil himself
43
Shows a far fairer reverence and respect
44
To goodness than thyself: he dares not do this,
45
But part[s] in time of penitence, hides his face;
46
When man withdraws from him, he leaves the place.
47
Hast thou less manners, and more impudence,
48
Than thy instructor? Prithee, show thy modesty,
49
If the least grain be left, and get thee from me.
50
Thou should'st be rather locked many rooms hence
51
From the poor miserable sight of me,
52
If either love or grace had part in thee.
53
MISTRESS ALLWIT
He is lost for ever.
54
ALLWIT
Run, sweet Davy, quickly,
And fetch the children hither; sight of them
55
Will make him cheerful straight.
56
([Exit Davy.])
SIR WALTER
O death! Is this
A place for you to weep? What tears are those?
57
Get you away with them, I shall fare the worse
58
As long as they are a-weeping; they work against me;
59
There's nothing but thy appetite in that sorrow,
60
Thou weep'st for lust; I feel it in the slackness
61
Of comforts coming towards me.
62
I was well till thou began'st to undo me:
63
This shows like the fruitless sorrow of a careless mother
64
That brings her son with dalliance to the gallows,
65
And then stands by, and weeps to see him suffer.
66
(Enter Davy with the Children [Wat, Nick and baby].)
DAVY
There are the children, sir, an't like your worship;
67
Your last fine girl; in troth she smiles!
68
Look, look, in faith, sir.
69
SIR WALTER
O my vengeance!
Let me for ever hide my cursed face
70
From sight of those that darkens all my hopes
71
And stand between me and the sight of heaven.
72
Who sees me now, he too and those so near me,
73
May rightly say, I am o'er-grown with sin.
74
O how my offences wrestle with my repentance!
75
It hath scarce breath;
76
Still my adulterous guilt hovers aloft
77
And with her black wings beats down all my prayers
78
Ere they be half way up. What's he knows now
79
How long I have to live? O what comes then?
80
My taste grows bitter; the round world, all gall now;
81
Her pleasing pleasures now hath poisoned me,
82
Which I exchanged my soul for:
83
Make way a hundred sighs at once for me.
84
ALLWIT
Speak to him, Nick.
85
NICK
I dare not, I am afraid.
ALLWIT
Tell him he hurts his wounds, Wat, with making moan.
86
SIR WALTER
Wretched, death of seven.
87
ALLWIT
Come, let's be talking somewhat to keep him alive. -
88
Ah, sirrah Wat, and did my lord bestow that jewel on thee,
89
For an epistle thou mad'st in Latin?
90
Thou art a good forward boy, there's great joy on thee.
91
SIR WALTER
O sorrow!
92
ALLWIT
Heart, will nothing comfort him?
If he be so far gone, 'tis time to moan.
93
[To Sir Walter.] Here's pen, and ink, and paper, and all things ready;
94
Will't please your worship for to make your will?
95
SIR WALTER
My will? Yes, yes, what else? Who writes apace now?
96
ALLWIT
That can your man Davy, an't like your worship,
97
A fair, fast, legible hand.
98
SIR WALTER
Set it down then:
99
([Davy writes.])
Imprimis , I bequeath to yonder wittol
100
Three times his weight in curses —
101
ALLWIT
How?
102
SIR WALTER
All plagues of body and of mind —
103
ALLWIT
Write them not down, Davy.
104
DAVY
It is his will; I must.
105
SIR WALTER
Together also
With such a sickness, ten days ere his death.
106
ALLWIT
There's a sweet legacy,
107
I am almost choked with't.
108
SIR WALTER
Next I bequeath to that foul whore his wife
109
All barrenness of joy, a drouth of virtue,
110
And dearth of all repentance; for her end,
111
The common misery of an English strumpet,
112
In French and Dutch beholding ere she dies
113
Confusion of her brats before her eyes
114
And never shed a tear for it.
115
(Enter a Servant.)
SERVANT
Where's the knight?
O sir, the gentleman you wounded is newly departed.
116
SIR WALTER
Dead? Lift, lift! Who helps me?
117
ALLWIT
Let the law lift you now, that must have all;
118
I have done lifting on you, and my wife too.
119
SERVANT
You were best lock yourself close.
120
ALLWIT
Not in my house, sir,
I'll harbour no such persons as men-slayers.
121
Lock yourself where you will.
122
SIR WALTER
What's this?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Why husband!
ALLWIT
I know what I do, wife.
123
MISTRESS ALLWIT
You cannot tell yet;
For having killed the man in his defence,
124
Neither his life nor estate will be touched, husband.
125
ALLWIT
Away, wife! Hear a fool! His lands will hang him.
126
SIR WALTER
Am I denied a chamber?
127
What say you, forsooth?
128
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Alas, sir, I am one that would have all well,
129
But must obey my husband. [To Allwit.] Prithee, love,
130
Let the poor gentleman stay, being so sore wounded;
131
There's a close chamber at one end of the garret
132
We never use, let him have that, I prithee.
133
ALLWIT
We never use? You forget sickness then,
134
And physic times: is't not a place for easement?
135
(Enter a [second] Servant.)
SIR WALTER
O death! Do I hear this with part
136
Of former life in me? [To Servant 2.] What's the news now?
137
SERVANT 2
Troth, worse and worse; you're like to lose your land
138
If the law save your life, sir, or the surgeon.
139
ALLWIT
Hark you there, wife.
140
SIR WALTER
Why how, sir?
141
SERVANT 2
Sir Oliver Kix's wife is new quickened;
142
That child undoes you, sir.
143
SIR WALTER
All ill at once.
ALLWIT
I wonder what he makes here with his consorts?
144
Cannot our house be private to ourselves,
145
But we must have such guests? I pray depart, sirs,
146
And take your murderer along with you;
147
Good he were apprehended ere he go,
148
H'as killed some honest gentleman. Send for officers.
149
SIR WALTER
I'll soon save you that labour.
150
ALLWIT
I must tell you, sir,
151
You have been somewhat bolder in my house
152
Than I could well like of; I suffered you
153
Till it stuck here at my heart; I tell you truly
154
I thought you had been familiar with my wife once.
155
MISTRESS ALLWIT
With me? I'll see him hanged first: I defy him
156
And all such gentlemen in the like extremity.
157
SIR WALTER
If ever eyes were open, these are they;
158
Gamesters, farewell, I have nothing left to play.
159
(Exit.)
ALLWIT
And therefore get you gone, sir.
160
DAVY
Of all wittols
Be thou the head! [To Mistress Allwit.] Thou, the grand whore of spitals!
161
(Exit [with Servants].)
ALLWIT
So, since he's like now to be rid of all,
162
I am right glad I am so well rid of him.
163
MISTRESS ALLWIT
I knew he durst not stay, when you named officers.
164
ALLWIT
That stopped his spirits straight.
165
What shall we do now, wife?
166
MISTRESS ALLWIT
As we were wont to do.
167
ALLWIT
We are richly furnished, wife, with household stuff.
168
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Let's let out lodgings then,
169
And take a house in the Strand.
170
ALLWIT
In troth, a match, wench:
We are simply stocked with cloth-of-tissue cushions,
171
To furnish out bay windows: push, what not that's quaint
172
And costly, from the top to the bottom.
173
Life, for furniture, we may lodge a countess!
174
There's a close-stool of tawny velvet too,
175
Now I think on't wife.
176
MISTRESS ALLWIT
There's that should be, sir;
Your nose must be in everything!
177
ALLWIT
I have done, wench;
And let this stand in every gallant's chamber:
178
'There no gamester like a politic sinner,
179
For whoe'er games, the box is sure a winner.'
180
(Exit [with Mistress Allwit].)
[SCENE 2]
(Enter Yellowhammer and his Wife.)
MAUDLINE
O husband, husband, she will die, she will die!
1
There is no sign but death.
2
YELLOWHAMMER
'Twill be our shame then.
MAUDLINE
O how she's changed in compass of an hour!
3
YELLOWHAMMER
Ah, my poor girl! Good faith, thou wert too cruel
4
To drag her by the hair.
5
MAUDLINE
You would have done as much, sir,
6
To curb her of her humour.
7
YELLOWHAMMER
'Tis curbed sweetly, she catched her bane o'th' water.
8
(Enter Tim.)
MAUDLINE
How now, Tim?
9
TIM
Faith, busy, mother, about an epitaph
10
Upon my sister's death.
11
MAUDLINE
Death! She is not dead, I hope?
12
TIM
No, but she means to be, and that's as good,
13
And when a thing's done, 'tis done;
14
You taught me that, mother.
15
YELLOWHAMMER
What is your tutor doing?
16
TIM
Making one too, in principal pure Latin,
17
Culled out of Ovid de Tristibus .
18
YELLOWHAMMER
How does your sister look? Is she not changed?
19
TIM
Changed? Gold into white money was never so changed
20
As is my sister's colour into paleness.
21
(Enter Moll [carried by Servants].)
YELLOWHAMMER
O here she's brought; see how she looks like death!
22
TIM
Looks she like death, and ne'er a word made yet?
23
I must go beat my brains against a bed post
24
And get before my tutor.
25
([Exit.])
YELLOWHAMMER
Speak, how dost thou?
MOLL
I hope I shall be well, for I am as sick
26
At heart as I can be.
27
YELLOWHAMMER
'Las, my poor girl!
The doctor's making a most sovereign drink for thee,
28
The worst ingredience, dissolved pearl and amber;
29
We spare no cost, girl.
30
MOLL
Your love comes too late;
Yet timely thanks reward it. What is comfort,
31
When the poor patient's heart is past relief?
32
It is no doctor's art can cure my grief.
33
YELLOWHAMMER
All is cast away then;
34
Prithee, look upon me cheerfully.
35
MAUDLINE
Sing but a strain or two, thou wilt not think
36
How 'twill revive thy spirits: strive with thy fit,
37
Prithee, sweet Moll.
38
MOLL
You shall have my good will, mother.
39
MAUDLINE
Why, well said, wench.
(THE SONG)
([sung by Moll])
Weep eyes, break heart,
41
My love and I must part;
42
Cruel fates true love do soonest sever,
43
O I shall see thee never, never, never!
44
O happy is the maid whose life takes end,
45
Ere it knows parent's frown, or loss of friend.
46
Weep eyes, break heart,
47
My love and I must part.
48
(Enter Touchwood Senior with a letter.)
MAUDLINE
O I could die with music: well sung, girl.
49
MOLL
If you call it so, it was.
50
YELLOWHAMMER
She plays the swan, and sings herself to death.
51
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
By your leave, sir.
52
YELLOWHAMMER
What are you, sir? Or what's your business, pray?
53
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I may be admitted, though the brother
54
Of him your hate pursued; it spreads no further,
55
Your malice sets in death, does it not, sir?
56
YELLOWHAMMER
In death?
57
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
He's dead: 'twas a dear love to him,
It cost him but his life, that was all, sir:
58
He paid enough, poor gentleman, for his love.
59
YELLOWHAMMER
There's all our ill removed, if she were well now.
60
[To Touchwood Senior.] Impute not, sir, his end to any hate
61
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
That helped him forward, I must needs confess;
62
But the restraint of love, and your unkindness,
63
Those were the wounds that from his heart drew blood;
64
But being past help, let words forget it too.
65
Scarcely three minutes ere his eyelids closed
66
And took eternal leave of this world's light,
67
He wrote this letter, which by oath he bound me
68
To give to her own hands: that's all my business.
69
YELLOWHAMMER
You may perform it then; there she sits.
70
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
O with a following look.
71
YELLOWHAMMER
Ay, trust me, sir, I think she'll follow him quickly.
72
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here's some gold
73
He willed me to distribute faithfully amongst your servants.
74
([Distributes the gold.])
YELLOWHAMMER
'Las, what doth he mean, sir?
75
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
[To Moll.] How cheer you, mistress?
76
MOLL
I must learn of you, sir.
77
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here's a letter from a friend of yours,
78
([Gives letter.])
And where that fails in satisfaction
79
I have a sad tongue ready to supply.
80
MOLL
How does he, ere I look on't?
81
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Seldom better, h'as a contented health now.
82
MOLL
I am most glad on't.
83
([Reads letter.])
MAUDLINE
[To Touchwood Senior.] Dead, sir?
84
YELLOWHAMMER
— Now, wife, let's but get the girl
85
Upon her legs again, and to church roundly with her.
86
MOLL
O sick to death he tells me:
87
How does he after this?
88
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Faith, feels no pain at all; he's dead, sweet mistress.
89
MOLL
Peace close mine eyes!
90
([Faints.])
YELLOWHAMMER
The girl, look to the girl, wife!
91
MAUDLINE
Moll, daughter, sweet girl, speak!
92
Look but once up, thou shalt have all the wishes of thy heart
93
That wealth can purchase.
94
YELLOWHAMMER
O she's gone forever! That letter broke her heart.
95
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
As good now, then, as let her lie in torment
96
And then break it.
97
(Enter Susan.)
MAUDLINE
O Susan, she thou lovedst so dear is gone!
98
SUSAN
O sweet maid!
99
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
This is she that helped her still.
100
I've a reward here for thee.
101
([Passes Susan a note.])
YELLOWHAMMER
Take her in,
Remove her from our sight, our shame, and sorrow.
102
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Stay, let me help thee; 'tis the last cold kindness
103
I can perform for my sweet brother's sake.
104
([Exeunt Touchwood Senior, Susan and Servants, carrying Moll].)
YELLOWHAMMER
All the whole street will hate us and the world
105
Point me out cruel. It is our best course, wife,
106
After we have given order for the funeral,
107
To absent ourselves, till she be laid in ground.
108
MAUDLINE
Where shall we spend that time?
109
YELLOWHAMMER
I'll tell thee where, wench: go to some private church
110
And marry Tim to the rich Brecknock gentlewoman.
111
MAUDLINE
Mass, a match!
112
We'll not lose all at once, somewhat we'll catch.
113
(Exit [with Yellowhammer].)
[SCENE 3]
(Enter Sir Oliver and Servants.)
SIR OLIVER
Ho, my wife's quickened; I am a man forever!
1
I think I have bestirred my stumps, i'faith.
2
Run, get your fellows all together instantly,
3
Then to the parish church and ring the bells.
4
SERVANT 1
It shall be done, sir.
5
([Exit.])
SIR OLIVER
Upon my love I charge you, villain, that you make a bonfire before the door at night.
SERVANT 2
A bonfire, sir?
SIR OLIVER
A thwacking one I charge you.
SERVANT 2
This is monstrous.
([Exit.])
SIR OLIVER
Run, tell a hundred pound out for the gentleman
10
That gave my wife the drink, the first thing you do.
11
SERVANT 3
A hundred pounds, sir?
12
SIR OLIVER
A bargain! As our joys grows,
13
We must remember still from whence it flows,
14
Or else we prove ungrateful multipliers;
15
The child is coming and the land comes after;
16
The news of this will make a poor Sir Walter.
17
I have strook it home, i'faith.
18
SERVANT 3
That you have, marry, sir.
19
But will not your worship go to the funeral
20
Of both these lovers?
21
SIR OLIVER
Both? Go both together?
SERVANT 3
Ay, sir, the gentleman's brother will have it so;
22
'Twill be the pitifullest sight; there's such running,
23
Such rumours, and such throngs, a pair of lovers
24
Had never more spectators, more men's pities,
25
Or women's wet eyes.
26
SIR OLIVER
My wife helps the number then?
27
SERVANT 3
There's such a drawing out of handkerchers,
28
And those that have no handkerchers, lift up aprons.
29
SIR OLIVER
Her parents may have joyful hearts at this.
30
I would not have my cruelty so talked on,
31
To any child of mine, for a monopoly.
32
SERVANT 3
I believe you, sir.
33
'Tis cast so too, that both their coffins meet,
34
Which will be lamentable.
35
SIR OLIVER
Come, we'll see't.
(Ex[eunt.])
[SCENE 4]
(Recorders dolefully playing.)
(Enter at one door the coffin of the gentleman [Touchwood Junior], solemnly decked, his sword upon it, attended by many in black, his brother [Touchwood Senior] being the chief mourner. At the other door, the coffin of the virgin [Moll], with a garland of flowers, with epitaphs pinned on it, attended by maids and women. Then set them down one right over against the other, while all the company [including Sir Oliver and Lady Kix, Master and Mistress Allwit, Susan and the Parson]seem to weep and mourn; there is a sad song in the music room.)
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Never could death boast of a richer prize
1
From the first parent, let the world bring forth
2
A pair of truer hearts. To speak but truth
3
Of this departed gentleman, in a brother,
4
Might, by hard censure, be called flattery,
5
Which makes me rather silent in his right
6
Than so to be delivered to the thoughts
7
Of any envious hearer starved in virtue
8
And therefore pining to hear others thrive.
9
But for this maid, whom envy cannot hurt
10
With all her poisons, having left to ages
11
The true, chaste monuments of her living name,
12
Which no time can deface, I say of her
13
The full truth freely, without fear of censure:
14
What nature could there shine, that might redeem
15
Perfection home to woman, but in her
16
Was fully glorious; beauty set in goodness
17
Speaks what she was, that jewel so infixed;
18
There was no want of any thing of life,
19
To make these virtuous precedents man and wife.
20
ALLWIT
Great pity of their deaths!
21
ALL
Ne'er more pity!
LADY KIX
It makes a hundred weeping eyes, sweet gossip.
22
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I cannot think there's any one amongst you
23
In this full fair assembly, maid, man, or wife,
24
Whose heart would not have sprung with joy and gladness
25
To have seen their marriage day!
26
ALL
It would have made a thousand joyful hearts!
27
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
[To Moll and Touchwood Junior.] Up then apace, and take your fortunes!
28
Make these joyful hearts, here's none but friends.
29
([Moll and Touchwood Junior rise from their coffins.])
ALL
Alive, sir? O sweet, dear couple!
30
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Nay, do not hinder 'em now, stand from about 'em;
31
If she be caught again, and have this time,
32
I'll ne'er plot further for 'em, nor this honest chambermaid
33
That helped all at a push.
34
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[To Parson.] Good sir, apace!
PARSON
Hands join now, but hearts for ever,
35
Which no parent's mood shall sever.
36
[To Touchwod Junior.] You shall forsake all widows, wives, and maids;
37
[To Moll.] You, lords, knights, gentlemen, and men of trades;
38
[To both.] And if, in haste, any article misses
39
Go interline it with a brace of kisses.
40
([They kiss.])
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here's a thing trolled nimbly.
41
Give you joy, brother!
42
Were't not better thou should'st have her,
43
Than the maid should die?
44
MISTRESS ALLWIT
To you, sweet mistress bride.
ALL
Joy, joy to you both.
45
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here be your wedding sheets you brought along with you; you may both go to bed when you please to.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
My joy wants utterance.
47
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Utter all at night then, brother.
48
MOLL
I am silent with delight.
49
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Sister, delight will silence any woman;
50
But you'll find your tongue again, among maidservants,
51
Now you keep house, sister.
52
ALL
Never was hour so filled with joy and wonder.
53
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
To tell you the full story of this chambermaid
54
And of her kindness in this business to us,
55
'Twould ask an hour's discourse. In brief, 'twas she
56
That wrought it to this purpose cunningly.
57
ALL
We shall all love her for't.
58
(Enter Yellowhammer and his Wife.)
ALLWIT
See who comes here now.
59
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
A storm, a storm, but we are sheltered for it.
60
YELLOWHAMMER
I will prevent you all and mock you thus,
61
You, and your expectations: I stand happy,
62
Both in your lives, and your hearts' combination.
63
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here's a strange day again!
64
YELLOWHAMMER
The knight's proved villain,
All's come out now, his niece an arrant baggage;
65
My poor boy Tim is cast away this morning,
66
Even before breakfast: married a whore
67
Next to his heart.
68
ALL
A whore?
YELLOWHAMMER
His 'niece', forsooth!
ALLWIT
I think we rid our hands in good time of him.
69
MISTRESS ALLWIT
I knew he was past the best, when I gave him over.
70
[To Yellowhammer.] What is become of him pray, sir?
71
YELLOWHAMMER
Who, the knight? He lies i'th'knight's ward now.
72
[To Lady Kix] Your belly, lady, begins to blossom, there's no peace for him,
73
His creditors are so greedy.
74
SIR OLIVER
Master Touchwood, hear'st thou this news?
75
I am so endeared to thee for my wife's fruitfulness
76
That I charge you both, your wife and thee,
77
To live no more asunder for the world's frowns:
78
I have purse, and bed, and board for you;
79
Be not afraid to go to your business roundly;
80
Get children, and I'll keep them.
81
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Say you so, sir?
SIR OLIVER
Prove me, with three at a birth, and thou dar'st now.
82
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Take heed how you dare a man, while you live, sir,
83
That has good skill at his weapon.
84
(Enter Tim and Welsh Gentlewoman [with Tutor].)
SIR OLIVER
Foot, I dare you, sir!
85
YELLOWHAMMER
Look, gentlemen, if ever you say the picture
86
Of the unfortunate marriage, yonder 'tis.
87
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
Nay, good sweet Tim —
88
TIM
Come from the university,
89
To marry a whore in London, with my tutor too?
90
O tempora! O mors!
91
TUTOR
Prithee, Tim, be patient.
92
TIM
I bought a jade at Cambridge;
93
I'll let her out to execution, tutor,
94
For eighteen pence a day, or Brainford horse races;
95
She'll serve to carry seven miles out of town well.
96
Where be these mountains? I was promised mountains,
97
But there's such a mist, I can see none of 'em.
98
What are become of those two thousand runts?
99
Let's have about with them in the meantime.
100
A vengeance runt thee!
101
MAUDLINE
Good sweet Tim, have patience.
TIM
Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo, mother.
102
MAUDLINE
I think you have married her in logic, Tim.
103
You told me once, by logic you would prove
104
A whore an honest woman; prove her so, Tim,
105
And take her for thy labour.
106
TIM
Troth, I thank you.
I grant you I may prove another man's wife so,
107
But not mine own.
108
MAUDLINE
There's no remedy now, Tim,
You must prove her so as well as you may.
109
TIM
Why then, my tutor and I will about her,
110
As well as we can.
111
Uxor non est meretrix, ergo falacis .
112
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
Sir, if your logic cannot prove me honest,
113
There's a thing called marriage, and that makes me honest.
114
MAUDLINE
O there's a trick beyond your logic, Tim.
115
TIM
I perceive then a woman may be honest according to the English print, when she is a whore in the Latin. So much for marriage and logic! I'll love her for her wit, I'll pick out my runts there; and for my mountains, I'll mount upon —
YELLOWHAMMER
So fortune seldom deals two marriages
117
With one hand, and both lucky; the best is,
118
One feast will serve them both! Marry, for room
119
I'll have the dinner kept in Goldsmiths' Hall.
120
To which, kind gallants, I invite you all.
121
([Exeunt.])
FINIS