William Wycherley

The Country Wife

La esposa rústica (Traducción)

Wycherley, William. <<The Country Wife.>> In: Salgado, Gamini (ed.) <<Three Restoration Comedies.>> Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1968.

Joan Oleza Simó (Investigador principal) Tronch Pérez, Jesus (Editor)

English · Verso · 5 versos

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) License

https://playcode.fly.dev/plays/EMOTHE0274_TheCountryWife

Tiempo histórico: Siglo XVII
Datación: 1675
1675

Bibliografía

Ediciones modernas

Bush, Ken, ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1996.
Cook, David and John Swannell, ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. New York: Methuen, 1975.
Dixon, Peter, ed. William Wycherley: The Country Wife and Other Plays. Wycherley, William. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1996.
Douglas, J., Maja-Lisa von Sneidern, ed. The Broadview Anthology of Restoration and Early Eighteenth-Century Drama. Peterborough: Broadview Press, 2001.
Friedman, Arthur, ed. The Plays by William Wycherley. Wycherley, William. Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1979.
Fujimura, Thomas H., ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. Lincoln: Macmillan Press, 1964.
Holland, Peter, ed. The Plays of William Wycherley. Wycherley, William. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1981.
Hunt, John D., ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. London, 1973.
Rubin, Steven H., ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. 1961.
Salgado, Gamini, ed. The Country Wife. Wycherley, William. In: Salgado, Gamini, ed. Three Restoration Comedies. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1968. Text editor for EMOTHE Digital Library: Tronch Pérez, Jesús.Also available at: https://emothe.uv.es/biblioteca/textosEMOTHE/EMOTHE0274_TheCountryWife.php.
Stern, Tiffany, ed. The Country Wife (2nd). Wycherley, William. London: Bloomsbury, 2014.
Straub, Kristina et al, ed. The Routledge Anthology of Restoration and Eighteenth-Century Drama. Routledge, 2017.
Summers, Montague, ed. The Complete Works of William Wycherley. Wycherley, William. London, 1924.
The Country Wif. Ogden, James. London: A & C Black, 1991.
Ward, W.C., ed. William Wycherley. London, 1888.
Weales, Gerald, ed. Complete Plays. Wycherley, William. New York: Anchor, 1966.

Bibliografía crítica

Airey, Jennifer L. ""For fear of learning new Language": Antitheatricalism and theFemale Spectator in "The Country Wife" and "The Plain Dealer"". Restoration: Studies in English Literary Culture, 1660-1700. 2007, 31.2, p. 1-19.
Beauchamp, Gorman. "The Amorous Machiavellism of The Country Wife". Comparative Drama,. 1977, 11.4, p. 316-330.
Burke, Helen M. "Wycherley’s “Tendentious Joke”: The Discourse of Alterity in “The Country Wife”". The Eighteenth Century. 1988, 29.3, p. 227-241.
Cohen, Derek. "The Country Wife and Social Danger". Restoration and Eighteenth Century Theatre Research. 1995, 10.1, p. 1.
Duncan, Douglas. "Mythic Parody in "The Country Wife"". Essays in Criticism. 1981, 31.4, p. 299.
Ford, Douglas. ""The Country Wife": Rake Hero as Artist". Restoration: Studies in English Literary Culture, 1660-1700. 1993, 17.2, p. 77-84.
Ford, Douglas. ""The Country Wife": Rake Hero as Artist". Restoration: Studies in English Literary Culture, 1660-1700. 1993, 17.2, p. 77.
Gelineau, David. "“The Country Wife”, Dance of the Cuckolds". Comparative Drama. 2014, 48.3, p. 277-305.
Hawkins, Barry. "“The Country Wife”: Metaphor Manifest". Restoration and Eighteenth Century Theatre Research. 1996, 11.1, p. 40.
Knapp, Peggy. "The "Plyant" Discourse of Wycherley's "The Country Wife"". Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900. 200040.3, 40.3, p. 451.
Mann, David D. "The Function of the Quack in "The Country Wife"". Restoration: Studies in English Literary Culture, 1660-1700. 1983, 7.1, p. 19-22.
Marshall, W. "Wycherley's "Great Stage of Fools": Madness and Theatricality in "The Country Wife"". Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900. 1989, 29.3, p. 409.
Matalene, H. "What Happens in "The Country-Wife"". Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900. 1982, 22.3, p. 395.
Oliver, Kathleen M. ""I will write Whore with this Penknife in your Face": Female Amatory Letters, the Body, and Violence in Wycherley's "The Country Wife"". Restoration: Studies in English Literary Culture, 1660-1700. 2014, 38.1, p. 41-60.
Payne, Deborah. "Reading the Signs in "The Country Wife"". Studies in English Literature, 1500-1900. 1986, 26.3, p. 403.
Slade, Giles. "The Two Backed Beast: Eunuchs and Priapus in “The Country Wife”". Restoration and Eighteenth Century Theatre Research. 1992, 7.1, p. 23.
Thompson, Peggy. "The Limits of Parody in "The Country Wife"". Studies in Philology. 1992, 89.1, p. 100.
Velissariou, Aspasia. "Patriarchal tactics of control and female desire in Wycherley's The Gentleman Dancing-Master and The Country Wife". Texas Studies in Literature and Language. 1995, 32.2, p. 115.
Weber, Harold. "Horner and his "women of honour" the dinner party in the country-wife". Modern Language Quarterly. 1982 (2007), 43.2, p. 107.

Note on this digital edition

Reproduced with kind permission by Fenella Copplestone.

The Scene:

London

The Persons

MR HORNER

MR HARCOURT

MR DORILANT

MR PINCHWIFE

MR SPARKISH

SIR JASPER FIDGET

MRS MARGERY PICHWIFE

MY LADY FIDGET

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

MRS SQUEAMISH

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

WAITERS, SERVANTS, AND ATTENDANTS

HARCOURT and DORILANT

MRS DAINTY FIDGET and MRS SQUEAMISH

ALL THE LADIES

ALL

A BOY

A QUACK

LUCY Alithea’s maid

Prologue

Poets, like cudgelled bullies, never do 1

At first or second blow submit to you;

But will provoke you still, and ne'er have done,

Till you are weary first with laying on.

The late so baffled scribbled of this day,

Though he stands trembling, bids me boldly say,

What we before most plays are used to do,

For poets out of fear first draw on you;

In a fierce prologue the still pit defy,

And ere you speak, like Castril, give the lie;

But though our Bayes's battle oft I've fought,

And with bruised knuckles their dear conquest bought,

Nay, never yet feared odds upon the stage,

In prologue dare not hector with the age,

But would take quarter from your saving hands,

Though Bayes within all yielding countermands,

Says you confed'rate wits no quarter give,

Therefor his play shan't ask your leave to live.

Well, let the vain rash fop, by huffing so,

Think to obtain the better terms of you;

But we, the actors, humbly with submit,

Now, and at any time, to a full pit.

Nay, often we anticipate your rage,

And murder poets for you, on our stage.

We set no guards upon our tiring-room,

But when with flying colours there you come,

We patiently you see, give up to you,

Our poets, virgin, nay our matrons too.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(Enter Horner, and Quack following him at a distance.)

HORNER

A quack is a fit for a pimp as a midwife for a bawd; they are still but in their way both helpers of nature.

QUACK

I have undone you for ever with the women, and reported you throughout the whole town as bad as an eunuch, with as much trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.

HORNER

But have you told all the midwives you know, the orange-wenches at the playhouses, the city husbands, and old fumbling keepers of this end of the town? For they'll be the readiest to report it.

QUACK

I have told all the chambermaids, waiting women, tire-women, and old women of my acquaintance; nay, and whispered it as a secret to 'em, and to the whisperers of Whitehall; so that you need not doubt 'twill spread, and you will be as odious to the handsome young women as –

HORNER

As the smallpox. Well –

QUACK

And to the married women of this end of the town as –

HORNER

As the great ones, nay, as their own husbands.

QUACK

And to the city dames as aniseed Robin of filthy and contemptible memory; and they will frighten their children with your name, especially their females.

HORNER

And cry, 'Horner's coming to carry you away.' I am only afraid 'twill not be believed. You told 'em 'twas by an English-French disaster, and an English-French chirurgeon, who has given me at once not only a cure but an antidote for the future against that damned malady, and that worse distemper, love, and all other women's evils?

QUACK

Your late journey into France has made it the more credible, and your being here a fortnight before you appeared in public looks as if you apprehended the shame, which I wonder you do not. Well, I have been hired by young gallants to belie 'em t'other way; but you are the first would be thought a man unfit for women.

HORNER

Dear Mr Doctor, let vain rogues be contented only to be thought abler men than they are; generally 'tis all the pleasure they have. But mine lies another way.

QUACK

You take, methinks, a very preposterous way to it, and as ridiculous as if we operators in physic should put forth bills to disparage our medicaments, with hopes to gain customers.

HORNER

Doctor, there are quacks in love as well as physic, who get but the fewer and worse patients for their boasting. A good name is seldom got by giving it oneself, and women no more than honour are compassed by bragging. Come, come, doctor, the wisest lawyer never discovers the merits of his cause till the trial; the wealthiest man conceals his riches, and the cunning gamester his play. Shy husbands and keepers like old rooks are not to be cheated, but by a new unpractised trick; false friendship will pass now no more than false dice upon 'em, no, not in the city.

(Enter Boy.)

BOY

There are to ladies and a gentleman coming up.

((Exit Boy.))

HORNER

A pox! Some unbelieving sisters of my former acquaintance, who I am afraid expect their sense should be satisfied of the falsity of the report. No – this formal fool and women!

(Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, and Mrs Dainty Fidget.)

QUACK

His wife and sister.

SIR JASPER

My coach breaking just now before your door, sir, I look upon as an occasional reprimand to me, sir, for not kissing your hands, sir, since your coming out of France, sir; and so my disaster, sir, has been my good fortune, sir; and this is my wife and sister, sir.

HORNER

What then, sir?

SIR JASPER

My lady, and sister, sir. – Wife, this is Master Horner.

LADY FIDGET

Master Horner, husband!

SIR JASPER

My lady, my Lady Fidget, sir.

HORNER

So, sir.

SIR JASPER

So the report is true, I find by his coldness or aversion to the sex; but I'll pay the wag with him.

HORNER

I will kiss no man's wife, sir, for him, sir. I have taken my eternal leave, sir, of the sex already, sir,

SIR JASPER

Hah, hah, hah! I'll plague him yet.

HORNER

I do know your wife, sir, she's a woman, sir, and consequently a monster, sir, a greater monster than a husband, sir.

SIR JASPER

A husband! How, sir?

HORNER

So, sir [makes horns]; but I make no more cuckolds, sir.

SIR JASPER

Hah, hah, hah! Mercury, Mercury!

LADY FIDGET

Pray, Sir Jasper, let us be gone from this rude fellow.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Who, by his breeding, would think he had ever been in France?

LADY FIDGET

Foh! He's but too much a French fellow, such as hate women of quality and virtue for their love to their husbands, Sir Jasper; a woman is hated by 'em as much for loving her husband as for loving their money. But pray, let's be gone.

HORNER

You do well, madam, for I have nothing that you came for. I have brought over not so much as a bawdy picture, new postures, nor the second part of the Ecole des Filles, nor –

QUACK

Hold, for shame, sir! What d'y mean? You'll ruin yourself for ever with the sex.

SIR JASPER

Hah, hah, hah! He hates women perfectly, I find.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

What pity 'tis he should.

LADY FIDGET

Ay, he's a base rude fellow for 't; but affectation makes not a woman more odious to them than virtue.

HORNER

Because your virtue is your greatest affectation, madam.

LADY FIDGET

How, you saucy fellow, would you wrong my honour?

HORNER

If I could.

LADY FIDGET

How d'y mean, sir?

SIR JASPER

Hah, hah, hah, no he can't wrong your ladyship's honour, upon my honour; he poor man - hark you in your ear – a mere eunuch –

LADY FIDGET

O filthy French beast, soh, soh! Why do we stay? Let's be gone; I can't indure the sight of him.

SIR JASPER

Stay but till the chairs come; they'll be here presently.

LADY FIDGET

No, no.

SIR JASPER

Nor can I stay longer. 'Tis – let me see, a quarter and a half quarter of a minute past eleven; the Council will be sate, I must away. Business must be preferred always before love and ceremony with the wise, Mr Horner.

HORNER

And the impotent, Sir Jasper.

SIR JASPER

Ay, ay, the impotent, Master Horner, hah, ha ha!

LADY FIDGET

What, leave us with a filthy man alone in his lodgings!

SIR JASPER

'Tis as much a husband's prudence to provide innocent diversion for a wife as to hinder her unlawful pleasures, and he had better employ her than let her employ herself.

([Exit Sir Jasper.])

HORNER

Your servant, Sir Jasper.

LADY FIDGET

I will not stay with him, foh!

HORNER

Nay, madam, I beseech you stay, if it be but to see I can be as civil to ladies yet as they would desire.

LADY FIDGET

No, no, foh, you cannot be civil to ladies.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

You as civil as ladies would desire?

LADY FIDGET

No, no, no! foh, foh, foh!

(Exeunt Lady Fidget and Mrs Dainty.)

QUACK

Now I think I, or you yourself rather, have done your business with the women.

HORNER

Thou art an ass. Don't you see, already upon the report and my carriage, this grave man of business leaves his wife in my lodgings, invites me to his house and wife, who before would not be acquainted with me out of jealousy?

QUACK

Nay, by this means you may be the more acquainted with the husbands, but the less with the wives.

HORNER

Let me alone; if I can but abuse the husbands, I'll soon disabuse the wives. Stay – I'll reckon you up the advantages I am like to have by my stratagem. First, I shall be rid of all my old acquaintances, the most insatiable sorts of duns that invade our lodgings in a morning. And next to the pleasure of making a new mistress is that of being rid of an old one: and of all old debts, love, when it comes to be so, is paid the most unwillingly.

QUACK

Well, you may be so rid of your old acquaintances, but how will you get any new ones?

HORNER

Doctor, thou wilt never make a good chymist, thou art so incredulous and impatient. Ask but all the young fellows of the town if they do not lose more time, like huntsmen, in starting the game than in running it down; one knows not where to find 'em, who will, or will not. Women of quality are so civil you can hardly distinguish love from good breeding, and a man is often mistaken; but now I can be sure she that shews an aversion to me loves the sport, as those women that are gone, whom I warrant to be right. And then the next thing is your women of honour, as you call 'em, are only chary of their reputations, not their persons, and 'tis scandal they would avoid, not men. Now may I have, by the reputation of an eunuch, the privileges of one; and be seen in a lady's chamber in a morning as early as her husband; kiss virgins before their parents or lovers; and may be in short the passe partout of the town. Now, doctor.

QUACK

Nay, now you shall be the doctor; and your process is so new that we do not know but it may succeed.

HORNER

Not so new neither; probatum est, doctor.

QUACK

Well, I wish you luck and many patients whilst I go to mine.

(Exit Quack.)

(Enter Harcourt and Dorilant to Horner.)

HARCOURT

Come, your appearance at the play yesterday has, I hope, hardened you for the future against the women's contempt and the men's raillery, and now you'll abroad as you were wont?

HORNER

Did I not bear it bravely?

DORILANT

With a most theatrical impudence; nay, more than the orange-wenches shew there, or a drunken vizard-mask, or a great-bellied actress; nay, or the most impudent of creatures, an ill poet; or what is yet more impudent, a second-hand critic.

HORNER

But what say the ladies? Have they no pity?

HARCOURT

What ladies? The vizard-masks, you know, never pity a man when all's gone, though in their service.

DORILANT

And for the women in the boxes, you'd never pity them when 'twas in your power.

HARCOURT

They say 'tis pity but all that deal with common women should be served so.

DORILANT

Nay I dare swear, they won't admit you to play at cards with them, go to plays with 'em, or do the little duties which other shadows of men are wont to do for 'em.

HORNER

Who do you call shadows of men?

DORILANT

Half-men.

HORNER

What, boys?

DORILANT

Ay, your old boys, old beaux garçons , who, like superannuated stallions, are suffered to run, feed, and whinny with the mares as long as they live, though they can do nothing else.

HORNER

Well, a pox on love and wenching! Women serve but to keep a man from better company; though I can't enjoy them, I shall you the more. Good fellowship and friendship are lasting, rational and manly pleasures.

HARCOURT

For all that, give me some of those pleasures you call effeminate too; they help to relish one another.

HORNER

They disturb one another.

HARCOURT

No, mistresses are like books; if you pore upon them too much, they doze you, and make you unfit for company, but if used discreetly, you are the fitter for conversation by 'em –

DORILANT

A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town, not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away, to taste the town the better when a man returns.

HORNER

I tell you, 'tis as hard to be a good fellow, a good friend and a lover of women as 'tis to be a good fellow, a good friend and a lover of money. You cannot follow both, then choose your side. Wine gives you liberty, love takes it away.

DORILANT

Gad, he's in the right on't.

HORNER

Wine gives you joy, love grief and tortures, besides the chirurgeon's. Wine makes us witty, love only sots. Wine makes us sleep, love breaks it.

DORILANT

By the world, he has reason, Harcourt.

HORNER

Wine makes –

DORILANT

Ay, wine makes us – makes us princes, love makes us beggars, poor rogues, ygad – and wine –

HORNER

So, there's one converted. No, no, love and wine, oil and vinegar.

HARCOURT

I grant it; love will still be uppermost.

HORNER

Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk and very slovenly.

(Enter Boy.)

BOY

Mr Sparkish is below, sir.

HARCOURT

What, my dear friend? A rogue that is fond of me only, I think, for abusing him.

DORILANT

No, he can no more think the men laugh at him than that women jilt him, his opinion of himself is so good.

HORNER

Well, there's another pleasure by drinking, I thought not of; I shall lose his acquaintance, because he cannot drink; and you know 'tis a very hard thing to be rid of him, for he's one of those nauseous offerers at wit, who, like the worst fiddlers, run themselves into all companies.

HARCOURT

One that, by being in the company of men of sense, would pass for one.

HORNER

And may so to the short-sighted world, as a false jewel amongst true ones is not discerned at a distance. His company is as troublesome to us as a cuckold's when you you have a mind to his wife's.

HARCOURT

No, the rogue will not let us enjoy one another, but ravishes our conversations, though he signifies no more to't than Sir Martin Mar-all's gaping, and aukerd thrumming upon the lute, does to his man's voice and music.

DORILANT

And to pass for a wit in town, shews himself a fool every night to us, that are guilty of the plot.

HORNER

Such wits as he are to a company of reasonable men, like rooks to the gamesters, who only fill a room at the table, but are so far from contributing to the play that they only serve to spoil the fancy of those that do.

DORILANT

Nay, they are used like rooks too, snubbed, checked and abused; yet the rogues will hang on.

HORNER

A pox on 'em, and all that force nature, and would be still what she forbids 'em! Affectation is her greatest monster.

HARCOURT

Most men are the contraries to that they would seem. Your bully you see, is a coward with a long sword; the little humbly fawning physician with his ebony cane is he that destroys men.

DORILANT

The usurer, a poor rogue possessed of mouldy bonds and mortgages; and we they call spendthrifts are only wealthy, who lay out his money upon daily new purchases of pleasure.

HORNER

Ay, your arrantest cheat is your trustee, or executor, your jealous man, the greatest cuckold, your church-man, the greatest atheist, and your noisy pert rogue of a wit, the greatest fop, dullest ass and worst company as you shall see, for here he comes.

(Enter Sparkish to them.)

SPARKISH

How is't, sparks, how is't? Well, faith, Harry, I must rally thee a little, ha, ha, ha! upon the report in town of thee, ha, ha, ha! I can't hold i' faith; shall I speak?

HORNER

Yes, but you'll be so bitter then.

SPARKISH

Honest Dick and Frank here shall answer for me, I will not be extreme bitter, by the universe.

HARCOURT

We will be bound in ten thousand pound bond, he shall not be bitter at all.

DORILANT

Nor sharp, nor sweet.

HORNER

What, not downright insipid?

SPARKISH

Nay then, since you are so brisk and provoke me, take what follows. You must know, I was discoursing and rallying with some ladies yesterday, and they happened to talk of the fine new signs in town.

HORNER

Very fine ladies I believe.

SPARKISH

Said I, 'I know where the best new sign is.' 'Where?' says one of the ladies, 'In Covent Garden,' I replied. Said another, 'In what street?' 'In Russel Street,' answered I. 'Lord,' says another, 'I'm sure there was ne'er a fine new sign there yesterday.' 'Yes, but there was,' said I again, 'and it came out of France, and has been there a fortnight.'

DORILANT

A pox! I can hear no more, prithee.

HORNER

No, hear him out; let him tune his crowd a while.

HARCOURT

The worst music, the greatest preparation.

SPARKISH

Nay, faith, I'll make you laugh. 'It cannot be,' says a third lady. 'Yes, yes,' quoth I again. Says a fourth lady –

HORNER

Look to't, we'll have no more ladies.

SPARKISH

No? Then mark, mark, now. Said I to the fourth, 'did you never see Mr Horner? He lodges in Russel Street, and he's a sign of a man, you know, since he came out of France.' Heh, hah, he!

HORNER

But the divel take me if thine be the sign of a jest.

SPARKISH

With that they all fell a-laughing till they bepissed themselves! What, but it does not move you, methinks? Well, I see one had as good go to law without a witness, as break a jest without a laughter on one's side, Come, come, sparks, but where do we dine? I have left at Whitehall an earl to dine with you.

DORILANT

Why, I thought thou hadst loved a man with a title better than a suit with a French trimming to't.

HARCOURT

Go to him again.

SPARKISH

No, sir, a wit to me is the greatest title in the world.

HORNER

But go dine with your earl, sir, he may be exceptious. We are your friends, and will not take it ill to be left, I do assure you.

HARCOURT

Nay, faith, he shall go to him.

SPARKISH

Nay, pray, gentlemen.

DORILANT

We'll thrust you out, if you wo'not. What, disappoint anybody for us?

SPARKISH

Nay, dear gentlemen, hear me.

HORNER

No, no, sir, by no means; pray go, sir.

SPARKISH

Why, dear rogues –

(They all thrust him out of the room.)

DORILANT

No, no.

ALL

Ha, ha, ha!

(Sparkish returns.)

SPARKISH

But, sparks, pray hear me. What, d'ye think I'll eat then with gay shallow fops and silent coxcombs? I think wit as necessary at dinner as a glass of good wine, and that's the reason I never have any stomach when I eat alone. Come, but where do we dine?

HORNER

Ev'n where you will.

SPARKISH

At Chateline's?

DORILANT

Yes, if you will.

SPARKISH

Or at the Cock?

DORILANT

Yes, if you please.

SPARKISH

Or at the Dog and Partridge?

HORNER

Ay, if you have mind to't, for we shall dine at neither.

SPARKISH

Pshaw! With your fooling we shall lose the new play; and I would no more miss seeing a new play the first day than I would miss sitting in the wits' row. Therefore I'll go fetch my mistress and away.

([Exit Sparkish.])

(Manent Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant.)

(Enter to them Mr Pinchwife.)

HORNER

Who have we here? Pinchwife?

PINCHWIFE

Gentlemen, your humble servant.

HORNER

Well, Jack, by thy long absence from the town, the grumness of thy countenance, and the slovenliness of thy habit, I should give thee joy, should I not, of marriage?

PINCHWIFE

Death, does he know I'm married too? I thought to have concealed it from him at least.

HORNER

Nay, you country gentlemen, rather than not purchase, will buy anything; and he is a cracked title, if we may quibble. Well, but am I to give thee joy? I heard thou wert married.

PINCHWIFE

What then?

HORNER

Why, the next thing that is to be heard is, thou'rt a cuckold.

PINCHWIFE

Insupportable name!

HORNER

But I did not expect marriage from such a whoremaster as you, one that knew the town so much, and women so well.

PINCHWIFE

Why, I have married no London wife.

HORNER

Pshaw, that's all one; that grave circumspection in marrying a country wife is like refusing a deceitful pampered Smithfield jade, to go and be cheated by a friend in the country.

PINCHWIFE

A pox on him and his simile!

HORNER

Come, come, I have known a clap gotten in Wales; and there are cousins, justices, clarks, and chaplains in the country, I won't say coach-men. But she's hansdome and young?

PINCHWIFE

I'll answer as I should do.

DORILANT

He talks as like a grazier as he looks.

PINCHWIFE

She's too aukerd, ill-favoured, and silly to bring to town.

HARCOURT

Then methinks you should bring her, to be taught breeding.

PINCHWIFE

I'll keep her from your instructions, I warrant you.

HARCOURT

The rogue is as jealous as if his wife were not ignorant.

HORNER

Why, if she be ill-favoured, there will be less danger here for you than by leaving her in the country; we have such variety of dainties that we are seldom hungry.

DORILANT

But they have always coarse, constant, swinging stomachs in the country.

HARCOURT

Foul feeders indeed.

DORILANT

And your hospitality is great there.

HARCOURT

Open house, every man's welcome.

PINCHWIFE

So, so, gentlemen.

HORNER

But prithee, why wouldst thou marry her? If she be ugly, ill-bred and silly, she must be rich then.

PINCHWIFE

As rich as if she brought me twenty thousand pound out of this town; for she'll be as sure not to spend her moderate portion as a London baggage would be to spend hers, let it be what it would; so 'tis all one. Then, because she's ugly, she's the likelier to be my own; and being ill-bred, she'll hate conversation; and since silly and innocent, will not know the difference betwixt a man of one and twenty and one of forty.

HORNER

Nine – to my knowledge. But if she be silly, she'll expect as much from a man of forty-nine as from him of one and twenty. But methinks wit is more necessary than beauty, and I think no young woman ugly that has it, and no handsome woman agreeable without it.

PINCHWIFE

'Tis my maxim, he's a fool that marries, but he's a greater that does not marry a fool. What is wit in a wife good for, but to make a man a cuckold?

HORNER

Yes, to keep it from his knowledge.

PINCHWIFE

A fool cannot contrive to make her husband a cuckold.

HORNER

No, but she'll club with a man that can; and what is worse, if she cannot make her husband a cuckold, she'll make him jealous, and pass for one, and then 'tis all one.

PINCHWIFE

Well, well, I'll take care for one, my wife shall make me no cuckold, though she had your help, Mr Horner; I understand the town, sir.

DORILANT

His help!

HARCOURT

He's come newly to town it seems, and has not heard how things are with him.

HORNER

But tell me, has marriage cured thee of whoring, which it seldom does?

HARCOURT

'Tis more than age can do.

HORNER

No, the word is, I'll marry and live honest; but a marriage vow is like a penitent gamester's oath, and ent'ring into bonds and penalties to stint himself to such a particular small sum at play for the future, which makes him but the more eager, and not being able to hold out, loses his money again, and his forfeit to boot.

DORILANT

Ay, ay, a gamester will be a gamester, whilst his money lasts; and a whoremaster whilst his vigour.

HARCOURT

Nay, I have known 'em, when they are broke and can lose no more, keep a-fumbling with the box in their hands to fool with only, and hinder other gamesters.

DORILANT

That had wherewithal to make lusty stakes.

PINCHWIFE

Well, gentlemen, you may laugh at me, but you shall never lie with my wife; I know the town.

HORNER

But prithee, was not the way you were in better? Is not keeping better than marriage?

PINCHWIFE

A pox on't, the jades would jilt me. I could never keep a whore to myself.

HORNER

So then you only married to keep a whore to yourself? Well, but let me tell you, women, as you say, are like soldiers, made constant and loyal by good pay, rather than by oaths and covenants. Therefore I'd advise my friends to keep rather than marry, since too I find by your example it does not serve one's turn, for I saw you yesterday in the eighteen-penny place with a pretty country wench.

PINCHWIFE

How the divel did he see my wife then? I sate there that she might not be seen. But she shall never go to a play again.

HORNER

What, dost thou blush at nine and forty, for having been seen with a wench?

DORILANT

No, faith, I warrant 'twas his wife, which he seated there out of sight, for he's a cunning rogue, and understand the town.

HORNER

He blushes! Then 'twas his wife, for men are now more ashamed to be seen with them in public than with a wench.

PINCHWIFE

Hell and damnation! I'm undone, since Horner has seen her, and they know 'twas she.

HORNER

But prithee, was it thy wife? She was exceedingly pretty; I was in love with her at that distance.

PINCHWIFE

You are like never to be nearer to her. Your servant, gentlemen.

([Offers to go.])

HORNER

Nay, prithee, stay.

PINCHWIFE

I cannot, I will not.

HORNER

Come, you shall dine with us.

PINCHWIFE

I have dine already.

HORNER

Come, I know thou hast not. I'll treat thee, dear rogue, thou shalt spend none of thy Hampshire money today.

PINCHWIFE

Treat me! So he uses me already like his cuckold.

HORNER

Nay, you shall not go.

PINCHWIFE

I must, I have business at home.

([Exit Pinchwife.])

HARCOURT

To beat his wife. He's as jealous of her as a Cheapside husband of a Covent Garden wife.

HORNER

Why, it is as hard to find an old whoremaster without jealousy and the gout, as a young one without fear or the pox.

As gout in age from pox in youth proceedes,

So wenching past, then jealousy succeeds:

The worst disease that love and wenching breeds.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

((Pinchwife's house))

(Mrs Margery Pinchwife and Alithea: Mr Pinchwife peeping behind at the door.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, sister, where are the best fields and woods to walk in in London?

ALITHEA

A pretty question! Why, sister, Mulberry Garden and St James's Park; and for close walks, the New Exchange.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, sister, tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town, and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a-walking, nor let me wear my best gown yesterday.

ALITHEA

Oh, he's jealous, sister.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Jealous? What's that?

ALITHEA

He's afraid you should love another man.

MRS PINCHWIFE

How should he be afraid of my loving another man, when he will not let me see any but himself?

ALITHEA

Did he not carry you yesterday to a play?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, but we sate amongst ugly people. He would not let me come near the gentry, who sate under us, so that I could not see 'em. He told me none but naughty women sate there, whom they toused and moused; but I would have ventured for all that.

ALITHEA

But how did you like the play?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Indeed I was a-weary of the play, but I liked hugeously the actors; they are the goodliest properest men, sister!

ALITHEA

Oh, but you must not like the actors, sister.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, how should I help it, sister? Pray, sister, when my husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a-walking?

ALITHEA

A-walking! Ha, ha! Lord, a country gentlewoman's leisure is the drudgery of a foot-post; and she requires as much airing as her husband's horses.

MRS PINCHWIFE

He says he won't let me go abroad, for fear of catching the pox.

ALITHEA

Fie! The smallpox, you should say.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Oh my dear, dear bud, welcome home! Why dost thou look so fropish? Who has nangered thee?

PINCHWIFE

You're a fool.

(Mrs Pinchwife goes aside and cries.)

ALITHEA

Faith so she is, for crying for no fault, poor tender creature!

PINCHWIFE

What, you would have her as impudent as yourself, as errant a jilflirt, a gadder, a magpie, and to say all, a mere notorious town-woman?

ALITHEA

Brother, you are my only censurer, and the honour of your family shall sooner suffer in your wife there than in me, though I take the innocent liberty of the town.

PINCHWIFE

Hark you mistress, do not talk so before my wife. The innocent liberty of the town!

ALITHEA

Why, pray, who boasts of any intrigue with me? What lampoon has made my name notorious? What ill women frequent my lodgings? I keep no company with any women of scandalous reputations.

PINCHWIFE

No, you keep the men of scandalous reputations company.

ALITHEA

Where? Would you not have me civil? Answer 'em in a box at the plays, in the drawing-room at Whitehall, in St James's Park, Mulberry Garden, or –

PINCHWIFE

Hold, hold! Do not teach my wife where the men are to be found. I believe she's the worse for your town documents already. I bid you keep her in ignorance as I do.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Indeed, be not angry with her bud, she will tell me nothing of the town, though I ask her a thousand times a day.

PINCHWIFE

Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Not I indeed, dear, I hate London. Our place-house in the country is worth a thousand of't. Would I were there again!

PINCHWIFE

So you shall, I warrant. But were you not talking of plays and players when I came in? [To Alithea] You are her encourager in such discourses.

MRS PINCHWIFE

No indeed, dear, she chid me just now for liking the playermen.

PINCHWIFE

Nay, if she be so innocent as to own to me her liking them, there is no hurt in't.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes indeed, but I do, the playermen are finer folks.

PINCHWIFE

But you love none better than me?

MRS PINCHWIFE

You are mine own dear bud, and I know you. I hate a stranger.

PINCHWIFE

Ay, my dear, you must love me only, and not be like the naughty town-women, who only hate their husbands, and love every man else, love plays, visits, fine coaches, fine clothes, fiddles, balls, treats, and so lead a wicked town-life.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, if to enjoy all these things be a town-life, London is not so bad a place, dear.

PINCHWIFE

How! If you love me, you must hate London.

ALITHEA

The fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleasures of the town, and he is now setting her agog upon them himself.

MRS PINCHWIFE

But, husband, do the town-women love the player-men too?

PINCHWIFE

Yes, I warrant you.

ALITHEA

Ay, I warrant you.

PINCHWIFE

Why, you do not, I hope?

MRS PINCHWIFE

No, no, bud, but why have we no player-men in the country?

PINCHWIFE

Ha! Mrs Minx, ask me no more to go to a play.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, why, love? I did not care for going; but when you forbid me, you make me, as't were, desire it.

ALITHEA

So 'twill be in other things, I warrant.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, let me go to a play, dear.

PINCHWIFE

Hold your peace, I wo'not.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why, love?

PINCHWIFE

Why, I'll tell you.

ALITHEA

Nay, if he tell her, she'll give him more cause to forbid her that place.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, why, dear?

PINCHWIFE

First, you like the actors, and the gallants may like you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

What, a homely country girl? No bud, nobody will like me.

PINCHWIFE

I tell you yes, they may.

MRS PINCHWIFE

No, no, you jest. I won't believe you, I will go.

PINCHWIFE

I tell you then, that one of the lewdest fellows in town who saw you there, told me he was in love with you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Indeed! Who, who, pray, who was't?

PINCHWIFE

I've gone too far, and slipped before I was aware. How overjoyed she is!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Was it any Hampshire gallant, any of our neighbours? I promise you, I am beholding to him.

PINCHWIFE

I promise you, you lie; for he would but ruin you, as he has done hundreds. He has no other love for women but that such as he look upon women, like basilisks, but to destroy 'em.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, but if he loves me why should he ruin me? Answer me to that. Methinks he should not. I would do him no harm.

ALITHEA

Hah, ha, ha!

PINCHWIFE

'Tis very well; but I'll keep him from doing you any harm, or me either. Enter Sparkish and Harcourt. But here comes company; get you in, get you in.

MRS PINCHWIFE

But pray, husband, is he a pretty gentleman, that loves me?

PINCHWIFE

What, all the lewd libertines of the town brought to my lodging by this easy coxcomb! S'death, I'll not suffer it.

SPARKISH

Here, Harcourt, do you approve my choice? Dear little rogue, I told you I'd bring you acquainted with all my friends, the wits, and –

(Harcourt salutes her.)

PINCHWIFE

Ay, they shall know her as well as you yourself will, I warrant you.

SPARKISH

This is one of those, my pretty rogue, that are to dance at your wedding tomorrow; and him you must bid welcome ever, to what you and I have.

PINCHWIFE

Monstrous! –

SPARKISH

Harcourt, how dost thou like her, faith? Nay, dear, do not look down; I should hate to have a wife of mine out of countenance at anything.

PINCHWIFE

Wonderful!

SPARKISH

Tell me, I say, Harcourt, how dost thou like her? Thou hast stared upon her enough to resolve me.

HARCOURT

So infinitely well that I could wish I had a mistress too, that might differ from her in nothing but her love and engagement to you.

ALITHEA

Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me that his acquaintance were all wits and railleurs, and now I find it.

SPARKISH

No, by the universe, madam, he does not rally now; you may believe him. I do assure you, he is the honestest, worthiest, true-hearted gentleman – a man of such perfect honour, he would say nothing to a lady he does not mean.

PINCHWIFE

Praising another man to his mistress!

HARCOURT

Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging that –

SPARKISH

Nay, egad, I am sure you do admire her extremely, I see't in your eyes. - He does admire you, madam. -By the world, don't you?

HARCOURT

Yes, above the world, or the most glorious part of it, her whole sex; and till now I never thought I should have envied you or any man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for marriage I ever knew.

ALITHEA

Nay, now sir, I'm satisfied you are of the society of the wits and railleurs, since you cannot spare your friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an enemy to marriage, for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad wine.

HARCOURT

Truly, madam, I never was an enemy to marriage till now, because marriage was never an enemy to me before.

ALITHEA

But why, sir, is marriage an enemy to you now? Because it robs you of your friend here? For you look upon a friend married as one gone into a monastery, that is, dead to the world.

HARCOURT

'Tis indeed, because you marry him. I see madam, you can guess my meaning. I do confess heartily and openly I wish it were in my power to break the match, by heavens I would.

SPARKISH

Poor Frank!

ALITHEA

Would you be so unkind to me?

HARCOURT

No, no, 'tis not because I would be unkind to you.

SPARKISH

Poor Frank! No, egad, 'tis only his kindness to me.

PINCHWIFE

Great kindness to you indeed! Insensible fop, let a man make love to his wife to his face!

SPARKISH

Come, dear Frank, for all my wife there that shall be, thou shalt enjoy me sometimes, dear rogue. By my honour, we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage as much as for one dead in earnest. I think that was prettily said of me, ha, Harcourt? But come, Frank, be not melancholy for me.

HARCOURT

No, I assure you I am not melancholy for you.

SPARKISH

Prithee, Frank, dost think my wife that shall be there a fine person?

HARCOURT

I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are.

SPARKISH

How, as I am? How?

HARCOURT

Because you are a lover, and true lovers are blind, stock blind.

SPARKISH

True, true. But by the world, she has wit too, as well as beauty. Go, go with her into a corner, and try if she has wit. Talk to her any thing, she's bashful before me.

HARCOURT

Indeed, if a woman wants wit in a corner, she has it nowhere.

ALITHEA

Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time.

SPARKISH

Nay, nay, madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience, or

(Harcourt courts Alithea aside.)

PINCHWIFE

How, sir, if you are not concerned for the honour of a wife, I am for that of a sister. He shall not debauch her. Be a pander to your own wife, bring men to her, let 'em make love before your face, thrust 'em into a corner together, then leave 'em in private! Is this your town wit and conduct?

SPARKISH

Hah, ha, ha! A silly wise rogue would make one laugh more than a stark fool, hah, ha! I shall burst. Nay, you shall not disturb 'em; I'll vex thee, by the world.

(Struggles with Pinchwife to keep him from Harcourt and Alithea.)

ALITHEA

The writings are drawn, sir, settlements made; 'tis too late, sir, and past all revocation.

HARCOURT

Then so is my death.

ALITHEA

I would not be unjust to him.

HARCOURT

Then why to me so?

ALITHEA

I have no obligation to you.

HARCOURT

My love.

ALITHEA

I had his before.

HARCOURT

You never had it; he wants, you see, jealousy, the only fallible sign of it.

ALITHEA

Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue. Besides, he loves me, or he would not marry me.

HARCOURT

Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love; and he that marries a fortune covets a mistress, not loves her. But if you take marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately.

ALITHEA

No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the world else.

HARCOURT

No, if you do marry him, with your pardon, madam, your reputation suffers in the world, and you would be thought in necessity for a cloak.

ALITHEA

Nay, now you are rude, sir. – Mr Sparkish, pray come hither, your friend here is very troublesome, and very loving.

HARCOURT

Hold, hold!

PINCHWIFE

D'ye hear that?

SPARKISH

Why, d'ye think I'll seem to be jealous, like a country bumpkin?

PINCHWIFE

No, rather be a cuckold, like a credulous cit.

HARCOURT

Madam, you would not have been so little generous as to have told him.

ALITHEA

Yes, since you could be so little generous as to wrong him.

HARCOURT

Wrong him? No man can do't, he's beneath an injury. A bubble, a coward, a senseless idiot, a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you that –

ALITHEA

Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my husband, I am resolved to like him. Nay, I think I am obliged to tell him you are not his friend. – Master Sparkish, Master Sparkish.

SPARKISH

What, what? How, dear rogue, has not she wit?

HARCOURT

[speaks surlily] Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had.

ALITHEA

Mr Sparkish, do you bring people to rail at you?

HARCOURT

Madam –

SPARKISH

How! No, but if he does rail at me, 'tis but in jest I warrant; what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it.

ALITHEA

He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him; besides, he has been making love to me.

HARCOURT

True, damn'd tell-tale woman!

SPARKISH

Pshaw, to shew his parts. We wits rail and make love often, but to shew our parts, as we have no affections, so we have no malice, we –

ALITHEA

He said you were a wretch, below an injury.

SPARKISH

Pshaw!

HARCOURT

Damned, senseless, impudent, virtuous jade! Well, since she won't let me have her, she'll do as good, she'll make me hate her.

ALITHEA

A common bubble.

SPARKISH

Pshaw!

ALITHEA

A coward.

SPARKISH

Pshaw, pshaw!

ALITHEA

A senseless drivelling idiot.

SPARKISH

I may draw now, since we have the odds of him. 'Tis a good occasion too, before my mistress –

([Offers to draw.])

ALITHEA

Hold, hold!

SPARKISH

What, what?

ALITHEA

I must not let 'em kill the gentleman neither, for his kindness to me; I am so far from hating him that I wish my gallant had his person and understanding. Nay, if my honour –

SPARKISH

I'll be thy death.

ALITHEA

Hold, hold! Indeed, to tell the truth, the gentleman said after all that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you.

SPARKISH

How! Say, I am – I am a fool, that is, no wit, out of friendship to me?

ALITHEA

Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you, and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake.

HARCOURT

Kind, however –

SPARKISH

Nay, if it were so, my dear rogue, I ask thee pardon. But why would not you tell me so, faith?

HARCOURT

Because I did not think on't, faith.

SPARKISH

Come, Horner does not come; Harcourt, let's be gone to the new play. – Come, madam.

ALITHEA

I will not go if you intend to leave me alone in the box and run into the pit, as you use to do.

SPARKISH

Pshaw! I'lle leave Harcourt with you in the box to entertain you, and that's as good; if I sate in the box, I should be thought no judge, but of trimmings. – Come away Harcourt, lead her down.

(Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea.)

PINCHWIFE

Well, go thy ways for the flower of the true town fops, such as spend their estates before they come to 'em and are cuckolds before they're married. But let me go look to my own freehold. – How!

(Enter My Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, and Mrs Squeamish.)

LADY FIDGET

Your servant, sir. Where is your lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new play.

PINCHWIFE

New play!

LADY FIDGET

And my husband will wait upon you presently.

PINCHWIFE

Damn your civility.

LADY FIDGET

Now we are here, sir –

PINCHWIFE

No, madam.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Pray let us see her.

MRS SQUEAMISH

We will not stir till we see her.

PINCHWIFE

A pox on you all.

LADY FIDGET

No, you have locked the door, and she's within.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

They told us below she was here.

PINCHWIFE

Will nothing do? Well it must out then.

LADY FIDGET

No, no, we have all had 'em.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Alack, alack!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Come, come, we must see how it goes with her. I understand the disease.

LADY FIDGET

Come.

PINCHWIFE

Well, there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon, lying; therefore I'll quit the field.

(Exit Pinchwife.)

MRS SQUEAMISH

Here's an example of jealousy.

LADY FIDGET

Indeed, as the world goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since wives are so neglected.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Pshaw! As the world goes, to what end should they be jealous?

LADY FIDGET

Foh, 'tis a nasty world.

MRS SQUEAMISH

That men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality should take up with, and spend themselves and fortunes in keeping little playhouse creatures, foh!

LADY FIDGET

Nay, that women of understanding, great acquaintance, and good quality should fall a keeping too of little creatures, foh!

MRS SQUEAMISH

Why, 'tis the men of quality's fault; they never visit women of honour and reputation, as they used to do; and have not so much as common civility for ladies of our rank, but use us with the same indifferency and ill breeding as if we were all married to 'em.

LADY FIDGET

She says true. 'Tis an errant shame women of quality should be so slighted. Methinks birth – birth should go for something. I have known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Ay, one would think men of honour should not love, no more than marry out of their own rank.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Fie, fie upom 'em! They are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their dogs and horses.

LADY FIDGET

They are dogs and horses for't.

MRS SQUEAMISH

One would think, if not for love, for vanity a little.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes, and are kind to us in their report; tell all the world they lie with us.

LADY FIDGET

Damned rascals! That we should be only wronged by 'em; to report a man has had a person, when he has not had a person, is the greatest wrong in the whole world that can be done to a person.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Well, 'tis an arrant shame noble persons should be so wronged and neglected.

LADY FIDGET

But still 'tis an arranter shame for a noble person to neglet her own honour, and defame her own noble person with little inconsiderable fellows. Foh!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

I suppose the crime against our honour is the same with a man of quality as with another.

LADY FIDGET

How! No, sure, the man of quality is likest one's husband, and therefore the fault should be the less.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

But then the pleasure should be the less.

LADY FIDGET

Fie, fie, fie, for shame sister! Whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Besides, an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality.

MRS SQUEAMISH

'Tis true, nobody takes notice of a private man, and therefore with him 'tis more secret, and the crime's the less when 'tis not know.

LADY FIDGET

You say true. I'faith, I think you are in the right on't. 'Tis not an injury to a husband till it be an injury to our honours; so that a woman of honour loses no honour with a private person. And to say truth –

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

So the little fellow is grown a private person with her.

LADY FIDGET

But still my dear, dear honour.

(Enter Sir Jasper, Horner, Dorilant.)

SIR JASPER

Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth –

HORNER

That she has none elsewhere.

LADY FIDGET

Oh, what d'ye mean to bring in these upon us?

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Foh! These are as bad as wits.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Foh!

LADY FIDGET

Let us leave the room.

SIR JASPER

Stay, stay, 'faith, to tell you the naked truth –

LADY FIDGET

Fie, Sir Jasper! Do not use that word 'naked'.

SIR JASPER

Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go –

LADY FIDGET

With those two to a play?

SIR JASPER

No, not with t'other, but with Mr Horner. There can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr Tattle, or Master Limberham.

LADY FIDGET

With that nasty fellow! No – no!

SIR JASPER

Nay, prithee dear, hear me.

([Whispers to Lady Fidget.])

HORNER

Ladies –

([Horner, Dorilant, drawing near Squeamish and Dainty.])

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Stand off.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Do not approach us.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

You herd with the wits, you are obscenity all over.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And I would as soon look upon a picture of Adam and Eve, without fig leaves, as any of you, if I could help it; therefore keep off, and do not make us sick.

DORILANT

What a divel are these?

HORNER

Why, these are pretenders to honour, as critics to wit, only by censuring others; and as every raw, peevish, out-of-humoured, affected, dull, tea-drinking, arithmetical fop sets up for a wit by railing at men of sense, so these for honour, by railing at the Court, and ladies of as great honour as quality.

SIR JASPER

Come, Mr Horner, I must desire you to go with these ladies to the play, sir.

HORNER

I, sir!

SIR JASPER

Ay, ay, come, sir.

HORNER

I must beg your pardon, sir, and theirs, I will not be seen in women's company in public again for the world.

SIR JASPER

Ha, ha! Strange aversion!

MRS SQUEAMISH

No, he's for women's company in private.

SIR JASPER

He – poor man – he! Ha, ha, ha!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

'Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous women's company than for the women to be seen with them.

HORNER

Indeed, madam, the time was I only hated virtuous women, but now I hate the other too. I beg you pardon, ladies.

LADY FIDGET

You are very obliging, sir, because we would not be troubled with you.

SIR JASPER

In sober sadness he shall go.

DORILANT

Nay, if he wo'not, I am ready to wait upon the ladies; and I think I am the fitter man.

SIR JASPER

You, sir? No I thank you for that – Master Horner is a privileged man amongst the virtuous ladies; 'twill be a great while before you are so, heh, he, he! He's my wife's gallant, heh, he, he! No, pray, withdraw, sir, for as I take it, the virtuous ladies have no business with you.

DORILANT

And I am sure he can have none with them. 'Tis strange a man can't come amongst virtuous women now but upon the same terms as men are admitted into the Great Turk's Seraglio. But heavens keep me from being an ombre player with 'em! But where is Pinchwife?

([Exit Dorilant.])

SIR JASPER

Come, come, man. What, avoid the sweet society of woman-kind? That sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble creature woman, made for man's companion?

HORNER

So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble creature a spaniel, and has all their tricks; can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more; barks at your friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you fleas, and the mange sometimes. And all the difference is, the spaniel's the more faithful animal, and fawns but upon one master.

SIR JASPER

Heh, he, he!

MRS SQUEAMISH

Oh, the rude beast!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Insolent brute!

LADY FIDGET

Brute! Stinking, mortified, rotten French wether, to dare –

SIR JASPER

Now shall I never reconcile 'em.

LADY FIDGET

But are you sure he loves play, and has money?

SIR JASPER

He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.

LADY FIDGET

The I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men. Those whom we cannot make hold for gallants, we make fine.

SIR JASPER

So, so. Now to mollify, to wheedle him.

HORNER

I hope they'll afford me better employment, sir.

SIR JASPER

Heh, he, he! 'Tis fit you know your work before you come into your place. And since you are unprovided of a lady to flatter and a good house to eat at, pray frequent mine, and call my wife mistress, and she shall call you gallant, according to the custom.

HORNER

Who, I?

SIR JASPER

Faith, thou shalt for my shake, come, for my sake only.

HORNER

For your sake –

SIR JASPER

Come, come, (to ladies) here's a gamester for you, let him be a little familiar sometimes. Nay, what if a little rude? Gamesters may be rude with ladies, you know.

LADY FIDGET

Yes, losing gamesters have a privilege with women.

HORNER

I always thought the contrary, that the winning gamester had most privilege with women; for when you have lost your money to a man, you'll lose anything you have, all you have, they say, and he may use you as he pleases.

SIR JASPER

Heh, he, he! Well, win or lose, you shall have your liberty with her.

LADY FIDGET

As he behaves himself; and for your sake I'll give him admittance and freedom.

HORNER

All sorts of freedom, madam?

SIR JASPER

Ay, ay, ay, all sorts of freedom thou canst take. And so go to her, begin thy new employment. Wheedle her, jest with her, and be better acquainted one with another.

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

((Pinchwife's house.))

(Alithea and Mrs Pinchwife.)

ALITHEA

Sister, what ails you? You are grown melancholy.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Would it not make anyone melancholy, to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, whilst I must stay at home like a poor, lonely, sullen bird in a cage?

ALITHEA

Ay, sister, but you came young, and just from the nest to your cage, so that I thought you like it, and could be as cheerful in't as others that took their flight themselves early, and are hopping abroad in the open air.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, I confess I was quiet enough till my husband told me what pure lives the London ladies live abroad, with their dancing, meetings and junketings, and dressed every day in their best gowns; and I warrant you, play at ninepins every day of the week, so they do.

(Enter Mr Pinchwife.)

PINCHWIFE

Come, what's here to do? You are putting the town pleasures in her head and setting her a-longing.

ALITHEA

Yes, after nine pins. You suffer none to give her those longings you mean, but yourself.

PINCHWIFE

I tell her of the vanities of the town like a confessor.

ALITHEA

A confessor! Just such a confessor as he that by forbidding a silly oastler to grease the horse's teeth, taught him to do't.

PINCHWIFE

Come Mistress Flippant, good precepts are lost when bad examples are still before us. The liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it, and out of humour at home. Poor wretch! She desired not to come to London; I would bring her.

ALITHEA

Very well.

PINCHWIFE

She has been this week in town, and never desired, till this afternoon, to go abroad.

ALITHEA

Was she not at a play yesterday?

PINCHWIFE

Yes, but she ne'er asked me. I was myself the cause of her going.

ALITHEA

Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example.

PINCHWIFE

Well, tomorrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day before 'tis light, she and I'll be rid of the town, and my dreadful apprehensions. (To Mrs Pichwfe) Come, be not melancholy, for thou shalt go into the country after tomorrow, dearest.

ALITHEA

Great comfort!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pish, what d'ye tell me of the country for?

PINCHWIFE

How's this! What, pish at the country?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Let me alone, I am not well.

PINCHWIFE

Oh, if that be all. What ails my dearest?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Truly I don't know. But I have not been well since you told me there was a gallant at the play in love with me.

PINCHWIFE

Ha!

ALITHEA

That's by my example too!

PINCHWIFE

Nay, if you are not well, but are so concerned because a lewd fellow chanced to lie and say he liked you, you'll make me sick too.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Of what sickness?

PINCHWIFE

Oh, of that which is worse tan the plague, jealousy.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pish, you jeer. I'm sure there's no such disease in our receipt-book at home.

PINCHWIFE

Well, if thou cuckold me, 'twill be my own fault, for cuckolds and bastards are generally makers of their own fortune.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Well, but pray bud, let's go to a play tonight.

PINCHWIFE

'Tis just done, she comes from it.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Faith dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there. But I like to look upon the playermen, and would see, if I could, the gallant you say loves me. That's all, dear bud.

PINCHWIFE

Is that all, dear bud?

ALITHEA

This proceeds from my example!

MRS PINCHWIFE

But if the play be done, let's go abroad however, dear bud.

PINCHWIFE

Come, have a little patience, and thou shalt go into the country on Friday.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Therefore I would see first some sights, to tell my neighbours of. Nay, I will go abroad, that's once.

ALITHEA

I'm the cause of this desire too.

PINCHWIFE

But now I think on't, who was the cause of Horner's coming to my lodging today? That was you.

ALITHEA

No, you, because you would not let him see your handsome wife out of your lodging.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why, O Lord! Did the gentleman come hither to see me indeed?

PINCHWIFE

Well, she's in the right of it. He is in love with my wife, and comes after her; 'tis so; but I'll nip his love in the bud, lest he should follow us into the country and break his chariot-wheel near our house, on purpose for an excuse to come to't. But I think I know the town.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Come, pray bud, let's go abroad before 'tis late; for I will go, that's flat and plain.

PINCHWIFE

So! The obstinacy already of a town-wife, and I must, whilst she's here, humour her like one.

ALITHEA

Let her put on her mask.

PINCHWIFE

Pshaw! A mask makes people but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise as a stage-beard; her shape, stature, habit will be known. And if we should meet with Horner, he would be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the devil and all. No, I'll not use her to a mask, 'tis dangerous; for masks have made more cuckolds than the best faces that ever were known.

ALITHEA

How will you do then?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, shall we go? The Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that.

PINCHWIFE

So – I have it – I'll dress her up in the suit we are to carry down to her brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the town tricks. Come, let's go dress her. A mask! No – a woman masked, like a covered dish, gives a man curiosity and appetite, when, it may be, uncovered, 'twould turn his stomach. No, no.

ALITHEA

Indeed, your comparison is something a greasy one. But I had a gentle gallant used to say, a beauty masked, like the sun in eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE TWO

(The scene changes to the New Exchange. Enter Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant.)

DORILANT

Engaged to women, and not sup with us?

HORNER

Ay, a pox on 'em all!

HARCOURT

You were much a more reasonable man in the morning, and, had as noble resolutions against 'em as a widower of a week's liberty.

DORILANT

Did I ever think to see you keep company with women in vain?

HORNER

In vain! No – 'tis, since I can't love 'em, to be revenged on 'em.

HARCOURT

Now your sting is gone, you looked in the box, amongst all those women, like a drone in the hive, all upon you; shoved and ill-used by 'em all, and thrust from one side to t'other.

DORILANT

Yet he must be buzzing amongst 'em still, like other old beetle-headed, liquorish drones. Avoid 'em, and hate'm as they hate you.

HORNER

Because I do hate 'em, and would hate 'em yet more, I'll frequent 'em. You may see by marriage, nothing makes a man hate a woman more than her constant conversation. In short, I converse with 'em, as you do with rich fools, to laugh at 'em and use 'em ill.

DORILANT

But I would no more sup with women, unless I could lie with 'em, than sup with a rich coxcomb unless I could cheat him.

HORNER

Yes, I had known thee sup with a fool for his drinking. If he could set out your hand that way only, you were satisfied, and if he were a wine-swallowing mouth 'twas enough.

HARCOURT

Yes, a man drinks often with a fool, as he tosses with a marker, only to keep his hand in ure. But do the ladies drink?

HORNER

Yes, sir, and I shall have the pleasure at least of laying 'em flat with a bottle, and bring as much scandal that way upon 'em as formerly t'other.

HARCOURT

Perhaps you may prove as weak a brother amongst 'em that way as t'other.

DORILANT

Foh! Drinking with women is as unnatural as scolding with 'em; but 'tis a pleasure of decayed fornicators, and the basest way of quenching love.

HARCOURT

Nay, 'tis drowning love instead of quenching it. But leave us for civil women too!

DORILANT

Ay, when he can't be the better for 'em. We hardly pardon a man that leaves his friend for a wench, and that's a pretty lawful call.

HORNER

Faith, I would not leave you for 'em, if they would not drink.

DORILANT

Who would disappoint his company at Lewis's for a gossiping?

HARCOURT

Foh! Wine and women, good apart, together as nauseous as sack and sugar. But hark you, sir, before you go, a little of your advice; and old maimed general, when unfit for action, is fittest for counsel. I have other designs upon women than eating and drinking with them. I am in love with Sparkish's mistress, whom he is to marry tomorrow. Now how shall I get her?

(Enter Sparkish, looking about.)

HORNER

Why, here comes one will help you to her.

HARCOURT

He! He, I tell you, is my rival, and will hinder my love.

HORNER

No, a foolish rival and a jealous husband assist their rival's designs; for they are sure to make their women hate them, which is the first step to their love for another man.

HARCOURT

But I cannot come near his mistress, but in his company.

HORNER

Still the better for you, for fools are most easily cheated when they themselves are accessories. And he is to be bubbled of his mistress, as of his money, the common mistress, by keeping him company.

SPARKISH

Who is that, that is to be bubbled? Faith let me snack, I han't met with a bubble since Christmas. Gad, I think bubbles are like their brother woodcocks, go out with the cold weather.

HARCOURT

A pox! He did not hear all, I hope.

SPARKISH

Come, you bubbling rogues you, where do we sup? Oh, Harcourt, my mistress tells me you have been making fierce love to her all the play long, hah, ha! But I –

HARCOURT

I make love to her?

SPARKISH

Nay, I forgive thee; for I think I know thee, and I know her, but I am sure I know myself.

HARCOURT

Did she tell you so? I see all women are like these of the Exchange, who, to enhance the price of their commodities, report to their fond customers offers which were never made 'em.

HORNER

Ay, women are as apt to tell before the intrigue as men after it, and so shew themselves the vainer sex. But hast thou a mistress, Sparkish? 'Tis as hard for me to believe it as that thou ever hadst a bubble, as you bragged just now.

SPARKISH

Oh, you servant, sir; are you at your raillery sir? But we were some of us beforehand with you today at the play. The wits were something bold with you, sir. Did you not hear us laugh?

HARCOURT

Yes, but I thought you had gone to plays to laugh at the poet's wit, not at your own.

SPARKISH

Your servant, sir, no, I thank you. Gad, I go to a play as to a country treat, I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t'other, or else I'm sure I should not be merry at either. And the reason why we are so often louder than the players is because we think we speak more wit, and so become the poet's rival in his audience. For to tell you the truth, we hate the silly rogues. Nay, so much that we find fault even with their bawdy upon the stage, whilst we talk nothing else in the pit as loud.

HORNER

But why shouldst thou hate the silly poets? Thou hast too much wit to be one, and they, like whores, are only hated by each other; and thou dost scorn writing, I'm sure.

SPARKISH

Yes, I'd have you to know, I scorn writing. But women, women, that make men do all foolish things, make 'em write songs too; everybody does it. 'Tis even as common with lovers as playing with fans; and you can no more help rhyming to your Phyllis than drinking to your Phyllis.

HARCOURT

Nay, poetry in love is no more to be avoided than jealousy.

DORILANT

But the poets damned your songs, did they?

SPARKISH

Damn the poets! They turned 'em into burlesque, as they call it. That burlesque is a hocus-pocus-trick they have got, which by the virtue of hictius doctius, topsey turvey they make a wise and witty man in the world a fool upon the stage you know not how. And 'tis before I hate 'em too, for I know not but it may be my own case; for they'll put a man into a play for looking a-squint. Their predecessors were contented to make serving-men only their stage fools, but these rogues must have gentlemen, with a pox to 'em, nay, knights. And indeed, you shall hardly see a fool upon the stage but he's a knight; and to tell you the truth, they have kept me these six years from being a knight in earnest, for fear of being knighted in a play, and dubbed a fool.

DORILANT

Blame 'em not; they must follow their copy, the age.

HARCOURT

But why shouldst thou be afraid of being in a play, who expose yourself every day in the playhouses, and as public places?

HORNER

'Tis but being on the stage, instead of standing on a bench in the pit.

DORILANT

Don't you give money to painters to draw you like? And are you afraid of your pictures at length in a playhouse, where all your mistresses may see you?

SPARKISH

A pox! Painters don't draw the smallpox or pimples in one's face. Come, damn all your silly authors whatever, all books and booksellers, by the world, and all readers, courteous or uncourteous.

HARCOURT

But who comes here, Sparkish?

(Enter Mr Pinchwife, and his wife in man's clothes, Alithea, Lucy her maid.)

SPARKISH

Oh hide me, there's my mistress too.

([Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt.])

HARCOURT

She sees you.

SPARKISH

But I will not see her. 'Tis time to go to Whitehall, and I must not fail the drawing-room.

HARCOURT

Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her.

SPARKISH

Another time. Faith, the King will have supped.

HARCOURT

Not with the worse stomach for thy absence. Thou art one of those fools that think their attendance at the King's meals as necessary as his physicians', when you are more troublesome to him than his doctors or his dogs.

SPARKISH

Pshaw! I know my interest, sir. Prithee hide me.

HORNER

Your servant, Pinchwife. – What, he knows us not!

PINCHWIFE

Come along.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, have you any ballads? Give me sixpenny worth.

CLASP

We have no ballads.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Then give me Covent Garden Drollery , and a play or two. – Oh, here's Tarugo's Wiles , and The Slighted Maiden , I'll have them.

PINCHWIFE

No, plays are not for your reading. Come along: will you discover yourself?

HORNER

Who is that pretty youth with him, Sparkish?

SPARKISH

I believe his wife's brother, because he's something like her, but I never saw her but once.

HORNER

Extremely handsome; I have seen a face like it too. Let us follow 'em.

(Exeunt Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife, Alithea, Lucy; Horner, Dorilant following them.)

HARCOURT

Come, Sparkish, your mistress saw you and will be angry you go not to her. Besides, I would fain be reconciled to her, which none but you can do, dear friend.

SPARKISH

Well, that's a better reason, dear friend. I would not go near her now for her's or my own sake, but I can deny you nothing. For though I have known thee a great while, never go if I do not love thee as well as a new acquaintance.

HARCOURT

I am obliged to you indeed, dear friend. I would be well with her only to be well with thee still. For these ties to wives usually dissolve all ties to friends. I would be contented she should enjoy you a-nights, but I would have have you to myself a-days, as I have had, dear friend.

SPARKISH

And thou shalt enjoy me a-days, dear, dear friend, never stir; and I'll be divorced from her sooner than from thee. Come along.

HARCOURT

So, we are hard put to't when we make our rival our procurer. But neither she nor her brother would let me come near her now. When all's done, a rival is the best cloak to steal to a mistress under, without suspicion; and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other cloaks.

(Exit Sparkish, and Harcourt following him.)

(Re-enter Mr Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife in man's clothes.)

PINCHWIFE

The fool her gallant and she will muster up all the young saunterers of this place, and they will leave their dear seamstresses to follow us. What a swarm of cuckolds and cuckold-makers are here!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Don't you believe that, I han't half my bellyful of sights yet.

PINCHWIFE

Then walk this way.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! Stay – the Bull's Head, the Ram's Head, and the Stag's Head, dear –

PINCHWIFE

Nay, if every husband's proper sign here were visible, they would be all alike.

MRS PINCHWIFE

What d'ye mean by that, bud?

PINCHWIFE

'Tis no matter – no matter, bud.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray tell me; nay, I will know.

PINCHWIFE

They would be all bulls', stags', and rams' heads.

(Exeunt Mr Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.)

(Re-enter Sparkish, Harcourt, Alithea, Lucy at t'other door.)

SPARKISH

Come, dear madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him.

ALITHEA

For your sake I hate him.

HARCOURT

That's something too cruel, madam, to hate me for his sake.

SPARKISH

Ay indeed, madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my friend for my sake.

ALITHEA

I hate him because he is your enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me.

SPARKISH

That's a good one! I hate a man for loving you! If he did love you, 'tis but what he can't help, and 'tis your fault not his, if he admires you. I hate a man for being of my opinion! I'll ne'er do't, by the world.

ALITHEA

Is it for your honour or mine, to suffer a man to make love to me, who am to marry you tomorrow?

SPARKISH

Is it for your honour or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you is a sign you are handsome; and that I am not jealous is a sign you are virtuous. That, I think, is for your honour.

ALITHEA

But 'tis your honour too I am concerned for.

HARCOURT

But why, dearest madam, will you be more concerned for his honour than he is himself? Let his honour alone, for my sake and his. He, he has no honour –

SPARKISH

How's that?

HARCOURT

But what my dear friend can guard himself.

SPARKISH

Oho – that's right again.

HARCOURT

Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear friend here; therefore once more, let his honour go which way it will, dear madam.

SPARKISH

Ay, ay, were it for my honour to marry a woman whose virtue I suspected, and could not trust her in a friend's hands?

ALITHEA

Are you not afraid to lose me?

HARCOURT

He afraid to lose you, madam! No, no – you may see how the most estimable and most glorious creature in the world is valued by him. Will you not see it?

SPARKISH

Right, honest Frank. I have that noble value for her that I cannot be jealous of her.

ALITHEA

You mistake him, he means you care not for me, nor who has me.

SPARKISH

Lord, madam, I see you are jealous. Will you wrest a poor man's meaning from his words?

ALITHEA

You astonish me, sir, with your want of jealousy.

SPARKISH

And you make me giddy, madam, with your jealousy and fears, and virtue, and honour. Gad, I see virtue makes a woman as troublesome as a little reading or learning.

ALITHEA

Monstrous!

LUCY

[behind] Well, to see what easy husbands these women of quality can meet with; a poor chambermaid can never have such lady-like luck. Besides, he's thrown away upon her; she'll make no use of her fortune, her blessing; none to a gentleman for a pure cuckold, for it requires good breeding to be a cuckold.

ALITHEA

I tell you then plainly, he pursues me to marry me.

SPARKISH

Pshaw!

HARCOURT

Come, madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me. My dear friend is the kindest creature in the world to me.

SPARKISH

Poor fellow.

HARCOURT

But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour. Your good opinion, dear madam, 'tis that must perfect my happiness. Good gentleman, he believes all I say; would you would do so. Jealous of me! I would not wrong him nor you for the world.

SPARKISH

Look you there; hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so.

(Alithea walks carelessly, to and fro.)

HARCOURT

I love you, madam, so –

SPARKISH

How's that! Nay, now you begin to go too far indeed.

HARCOURT

So much I confess, I say I love you, that I would not have you miserable, and cast yourself away upon so unworthy and inconsiderable a thing as what you see here.

([Clapping his hand on his breast, points at Sparkish.])

SPARKISH

No, faith, I believe thou wouldst not, now his meaning is plain. But I knew before thou wouldst not wrong me nor her.

HARCOURT

No, no, heavens forbid the glory of her sex should fall so low as into the embraces of such a contemptible wretch, the last of mankind – my dear friend here – I injure him.

([Embracing Sparkish.])

ALITHEA

Very well.

SPARKISH

No, no, dear friend, I knew it. Madam, you see he will rather wrong himself than me, in giving himself such names.

ALITHEA

Do not you understand him yet?

SPARKISH

Yes, how modestly he speaks of himself, poor fellow.

ALITHEA

Methinks he speaks impudently of yourself, since – before yourself too; insomuch that I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me.

([Offers to go.])

SPARKISH

Nay, nay, madam, pray stay. His love to you! Lord, madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?

ALITHEA

Yes indeed, I should think so.

SPARKISH

Well then, by the world, a man can't speak civilly to a woman now, but presently she says he makes love to her. Nay, madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an eclaircisment of his love to you, that is, what kind of love it is – [To Harcourt] Answer to thy catechism, friend; do you love my mistress here?

HARCOURT

Yes, I wish she would not doubt it.

SPARKISH

But how do you love her?

HARCOURT

With all my soul.

ALITHEA

I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.

SPARKISH

[to Alithea] You are out still. – But with what kind of love, Harcourt?

HARCOURT

With the best and truest love in the world.

SPARKISH

Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I'm sure.

ALITHEA

How's that? Do you say matrimonial love is not best?

SPARKISH

Gad, I went too far ere I was aware. But speak for thyself, Harcourt. You said you would not wrong me nor her.

HARCOURT

No, no, madam, e'en take him, for heaven's sake –

SPARKISH

Look you there, madam.

HARCOURT

Who should in all justice be yours, he that loves you most.

([Claps his hand on his breast.])

ALITHEA

Look you there, Mr Sparkish, who's that?

SPARKISH

Who should it be? Go on Harcourt.

HARCOURT

Who loves you more than women titles, or fortune fools.

([Points at Sparkish.])

SPARKISH

Look you there, he means me still, for he points at me.

ALITHEA

Ridiculous!

HARCOURT

Who can only match your faith and constancy in love.

SPARKISH

Ay.

HARCOURT

Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.

SPARKISH

Ay.

HARCOURT

Whose love can no more be equalled in the world than that heavenly form of yours.

SPARKISH

No.

HARCOURT

Who could no more suffer a rival than your absence, and yet could no more suspect your virtue than his own constancy in his love to you.

SPARKISH

No.

HARCOURT

Who in fine loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.

SPARKISH

Ay – nay, madam, faith you shan't go till –

ALITHEA

Have a care, lest you make me stay too long.

SPARKISH

But till he has saluted you, that I may be assured you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration. Come, pray, madam, be friends with him.

(Enter Master Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.)

ALITHEA

You must pardon me, sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.

PINCHWIFE

What, invite your wife to kiss men? Monstrous! Are you not ashamed? I will never forgive you.

SPARKISH

Are you not ashamed that I should have more confidence in the chastity of your family than you have? You must not teach me; I am a man of honour, sir, though I am frank and free. I am frank, sir –

PINCHWIFE

Very frank, sir, to share your wife with your friends.

SPARKISH

He is an humble, menial friend, such as reconciles the differences of the marriage bed. You know man and wife do not always agree. I design him for that use, therefore would have him well with my wife.

PINCHWIFE

A menial friend! You will get a great many menial friends by shewing your wife as you do.

SPARKISH

What then? It may be I have a pleasure in't, as I have to shew fine clothes at a playhouse the first day, and count money before poor rogues.

PINCHWIFE

He that shews his wife or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes.

SPARKISH

I love to be envied, and would not marry a wife that I alone could love. Loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Is it not a frank age? And I am a frank person. And to tell you the truth, it may be I love to have rivals in a wife, they make her seem to a man still but as a kept mistress. And so good night, for I must to Whitehall. Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my friend; amd so I wish you a good night, madam, and sleep if you can, for tomorrow you know I must visit you early with a canonical gentleman. Good night, dear Harcourt.

([Exit Sparkish.])

HARCOURT

Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit tomorrow, if it should be earlier, with a canonical gentleman, than Mr Sparkish's.

PINCHWIFE

[coming between Alithea and Harcourt] This gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, sir.

HARCOURT

Must, sir?

PINCHWIFE

Yes, sir, she is my sister.

HARCOURT

'Tis well she is, sir, for I must be her servant, sir. – Madam –

PINCHWIFE

Come away, sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd rakehells, who seem to haunt us.

(Enter Horner, Dorilant to them.)

HORNER

How now, Pinchwife?

PINCHWIFE

Your servant.

HORNER

What! I see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his horses, dogs, and his herds.

PINCHWIFE

I have business, sir and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways.

HORNER

Well, you may go on, but this pretty young gentleman –

([Takes hold of Mrs Pinchwife.])

HARCOURT

The lady –

DORILANT

And the maid –

HORNER

Shall stay with us, for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.

PINCHWIFE

'Sdeath, he knows her, she carries it so sillily! Yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first.

ALITHEA

Pray, let us go, sir.

PINCHWIFE

Come, come –

HORNER

[to Mrs Pinchwife] Had you not rather stay with us? Prithee, Pinchwife, who is this pretty young gentleman?

PINCHWIFE

I wish I could keep her out of your hands –

HORNER

Who is he? I never saw anything so pretty in all my life.

PINCHWIFE

Pshaw! Do not look upon him so much, he's a poor bashful youth; you'll put him out of countenance. Come away, brother.

([Offers to take her away.])

HORNER

Oh, your brother!

PINCHWIFE

Yes, my wife's brother. – Come, come she'll stay supper for us.

HORNER

I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the play with, whom I told you I was in love with.

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Jeminy! Is this he that was in love with me? I am glad on't I vow, for he's a curious fine gentleman, and I love him already too.

PINCHWIFE

[to his wife] Come away, come away.

HORNER

Why, what haste are you in? Why won't you let me talk with him?

PINCHWIFE

How she gazes on him! The divel!

HORNER

Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that dowdy he told us of, his wife. Did you ever see a lovelier creature? The rogue has reason to be jealous of his wife, since she is like him, for she would make all that see her in love with her.

HARCOURT

And as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be.

DORILANT

She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him.

HORNER

Very pretty? A very pretty commendation! She is a glorious creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld.

PINCHWIFE

So, so.

HARCOURT

More beautiful than a poet's first mistress of imagination.

HORNER

Or another man's last mistress of flesh and blood.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, now you jeer, sir. Pray don't jeer me.

PINCHWIFE

By heavens, she'll discover herself.

HORNER

I speak of your sister, sir.

PINCHWIFE

I am upon a wrack!

HORNER

Methinks he is so handsome he should not be a man.

PINCHWIFE

Oh there, 'tis out, he has discovered her! I am not able to suffer any longer.

HORNER

Nay, by your leave, sir, he shall not go yet. –

([To them] Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous rogue a little.)

HARCOURT and DORILANT

How?

HORNER

I'll shew you.

PINCHWIFE

Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer. I tell you his sister stays supper for us.

HORNER

Does she? Come then we'll all go sup with her and thee.

PINCHWIFE

I wish she and I were well out of their hands.

HORNER

Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. Buy pray, young gentleman, present my humble service to her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Thank you heartily, sir.

PINCHWIFE

S'death, she will discover herself yet in spite of me.

HORNER

Tell her, dear sweet little gentleman for all your brother there, that you have revived the love I had for her at first sight in the playhouse.

MRS PINCHWIFE

But did you love her indeed, and indeed?

PINCHWIFE

So, so.

HORNER

Nay, stay. Yes indeed, and indeed, pray do you tell her so, and give her this kiss for me.

([Kisses her.])

PINCHWIFE

O heavens! What do I suffer! Now 'tis too plain he knows her, and yet –

HORNER

And this, and this –

([Kisses her again])

MRS PINCHWIFE

What do you kiss me for? I am no woman.

PINCHWIFE

So – there, 'tis out. Come, I cannot, nor will stay any longer.

HORNER

Nay, they shall send you lady a kiss too. Here Harcourt, Dorilant, will you not?

([They kiss her.])

PINCHWIFE

How do I suffer this? Was I not accusing another just now for this rascally patience, in permitting his wife to be kissed before his face? Ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips!

HORNER

Did not I tell you I would raise his jealous gall?

(Exeunt HORNER, HARCOURT, And DORILANT.)

PINCHWIFE

So, they are gone at last. Stay, let me see first if the coach be at this door.

([Exit.])

(Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant return.)

HORNER

What, not gone yet? Will you be sure to do as I desired you, sweet sir?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Sweet sir, but what will you give me then?

HORNER

Anything; come away into the next walk.

(Exit Horner, haling away Mrs Pinchwife.)

ALITHEA

Hold, hold! What d'ye do?

LUCY

Stay, stay, hold –

HARCOURT

Hold, madam, hold! Let him present him, he'll come presently. Nay, I will never let you go till you answer my question.

LUCY

For God's sake, sir, I must follow 'em.

DORILANT

No, I have something to present you with too, you san't follow them.

(Alithea, Lucy, struggling with Harcourt and Dorilant.)

(Pinchwife returns.)

PINCHWIFE

Where? – how? – what's become of – gone! – whiter?

LUCY

He's only gone with the gentleman, who will give him something, an't please your worship.

PINCHWIFE

Something! – give him something, with a pox! Where are they?

ALITHEA

In the next walk only, brother.

PINCHWIFE

Only, only! Where, where?

(Exit Pinchwife, and returns presently, then goes out again.)

HARCOURT

What's the matter with him? Why so much concerned? But dearest madam –

ALITHEA

Pray let me go, sir, I have said and suffered enough already.

HARCOURT

Then you will not look upon, not pity my sufferings?

ALITHEA

To look upon 'em when I cannot help 'em, were cruelty, not pity; therefore I will never see you more.

HARCOURT

Let me then, madam, have my privilege of a banished lover, complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reason why, if you cannot condescend to marry me, you should not take that wretch my rival.

ALITHEA

He only, not you, since my honour is engaged so far to him, can give a reason why I should not marry him; but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him. Your servant, sir.

HARCOURT

Have women only constancy when 'tis a vice, and like fortune only true to fools?

DORILANT

[To Lucy, who struggles to get from him] Thou shalt not stir, thou robust creature. You see I can deal with you, therefore you should stay the rather, and be kind.

(Enter Pinchwife.)

PINCHWIFE

Gone, gone, not to be found! Quite gone! Ten thousand plagues go with 'em! Which way went they?

ALITHEA

But into t'other walk, brother.

LUCY

Their business will be done presently, sure, an't please your worship; it can't be long in doing, I'm sure on't.

ALITHEA

Are they not there?

PINCHWIFE

No, you know where they are, you infamous wretch, eternal shame of your family, which you do not dishonour enough yourself, you think, but you must help her to do it too, thou legion of bawds!

ALITHEA

Good brother –

PINCHWIFE

Damned, damned sister!

ALITHEA

Look you here, she's coming.

(Enter Mrs Pinchwife in man's clothes, running with her hat under her arm, full of oranges and dried fruit, Horner following.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

O dear bud, look you here what I have got, see!

PINCHWIFE

And what I have got here, too, which you can't see.

MRS PINCHWIFE

The fine gentleman has given me better things yet.

PINCHWIFE

Out of breath and coloured! I must hold yet.

HORNER

I have only given your little brother an orange, sir.

PINCHWIFE

You have only squeezed my orange, I suppose, and given it me again; yet I must have a city patience.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Stay till I have put up my fine things, bud.

(Enter Sir Jasper Fidget.)

SIR JASPER

O Master Horner, come, come, the ladies stay for you. Your mistress, my wife, wonders you make not more haste to her.

HORNER

I have stayed this half hour for you here, and 'tis your fault I am not now with your wife.

SIR JASPER

But pray, don't let her know so much. The truth on't is, I was advancing a certain project to his Majesty, about – I'll tell you.

HORNER

No, let's go, and hear it at your house. – Good night, sweet little gentleman. One kiss more; you'll remember me now, I hope.

([Kisses her.])

DORILANT

What, Sir Jasper, will you separate friends? He promised to sup with us; and if you take him to your house, you'll be in danger of our company too.

SIR JASPER

Alas, gentleman, my house is not fit for you. There are none but civil women there, which are not for your turn. He, you know, can bear with the society of civil women now, ha, ha, ha! Besides, he's one of my family – he's – heh, heh, heh!

DORILANT

What is he?

SIR JASPER

Faith, my eunuch, since you'll have it, heh, he, he!

(Exit Sir Jasper Fidget and Horner.)

DORILANT

I rather wish thou wert his, or my cuckold. Harcourt, what a good cuckold is lost there for want of a man to make him one! Thee and I cannot have Horner's privilege, who can make use of it.

HARCOURT

Ay, to poor Horner 'tis like coming to an estate at three-score, when a man can't be the better for 't.

PINCHWIFE

Come.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Presently, bud.

DORILANT

Come, let us go too. [To Alithea] Madam, your servant. [To Lucy] Good night, strapper.

HARCOURT

Madam, though you will not let me have a good day or night, I wish you one; but dare not name the other half of my wish.

ALITHEA

Good night, sir, for ever.

MRS PINCHWIFE

I don't know where to put this here, dear bud, you shall eat it. Nay, you shall have part of the fine gentleman's good things, or treat as you call it, when we come home.

PINCHWIFE

Indeed I deserve it, since I furnished the best part of it.

([Strikes away the orange.])

The gallant treats, presents, and gives the ball;

But 'tis the absent cuckold pays for all.

(Exeunt.)

ACT FOUR

SCENE ONE

(In Pinchwife's house in the morning.)

(Lucy, Alithea dressed in new clothes.)

LUCY

Well madam, now have I dressed you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence and pulvilio; and all this for no other purpose but as people adorn and perfume a corpse for a stinking second-hand grave; such or as bad I think Master Sparkish's bed.

ALITHEA

Hold your peace!

LUCY

Nay, madam, I will ask you the reason why you would banish poor Master Harcourt for ever from your sight. How could you be so hard-hearted?

ALITHEA

'Twas because I was not hard-hearted.

LUCY

No, no. 'Twas stark love and kindness, I warrant.

ALITHEA

It was so. I would see him no more because I love him.

LUCY

Hey-day, a very pretty reason!

ALITHEA

You do not understand me.

LUCY

I wish you may yourself.

ALITHEA

I was engaged to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive or injure.

LUCY

Can there be a greater cheat or wrong done to a man than to give him your person without your heart? I should make a conscience of it.

ALITHEA

I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a-while.

LUCY

The woman that marries to love better will be as much mistaken as the wencher that marries to live better. No, madam, marrying to increase love is like gaming to become rich; alas, you only lose what little stock you had before.

ALITHEA

I find by your rhetoric you have been bribed to betray me.

LUCY

Only by his merit, that has bribed your heart, you see, against your word and rigid honour. But what a divel is this honour? 'Tis sure a disease in the head, like the megrim, or falling sickness, that always hurries people away to do themselves mischief. Men lose their lives by it; women what's dearer to 'em, their love, the life of life.

ALITHEA

Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Master Harcourt. I wish the other would come to secure my fidelity to him, and his right in me.

LUCY

You will marry him then?

ALITHEA

Certainly. I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good, when he comes.

LUCY

Well, I wish I may never stick pin more if he be not an arrant natural to t'other fine gentleman.

ALITHEA

I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal, for another want he has, which is want of jealousy, which men of wit seldom want.

LUCY

Lord, madam, what should you do with a fool to your husband? You intend to be honest, don't you? Then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you.

ALITHEA

He only that could suspect my virtue should have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth that obliges me to be so faithful to him.

LUCY

You are not sure his opinion may last.

ALITHEA

I am satisfied 'tis impossible for him to be jealous after the proofs I have had of him. Jealousy in a husband – heaven defend me from it! It begets a thousand plagues to a poor woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and her –

LUCY

And her pleasure.

ALITHEA

What d'ye mean, impertinent?

LUCY

Liberty is a great pleasure, madam.

ALITHEA

I say loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this town. That is, she is sent into the country, which is the last ill usage of a husband to a wife, I think.

LUCY

Oh, does the wind lie there?

(Enter to them Sparkish, and Harcourt dressed like a parson.)

SPARKISH

Madam, your humble servant, a happy day to you, and to us all.

HARCOURT

Amen.

ALITHEA

Who have we here?

SPARKISH

My chaplain, faith. O madam, poor Harcourt remembers his humble service to you; and in obedience to your last commands, refrains coming into your sight.

ALITHEA

Is not that he?

SPARKISH

No, fie, no; but to shew that he ne'er intended to hinder our match, has sent his brother here to join our hands. When I get me a wife, I must get her a chaplain, according to the custom; this is his brother, and my chaplain.

ALITHEA

His brother?

LUCY

And your chaplain, to preach in your pulpit then.

ALITHEA

His brother!

SPARKISH

Nay, I knew you would not believe it. – I told you, sir, she would take you for your brother Frank.

ALITHEA

Believe it!

LUCY

His brother! Hah, ha, he! He has a trick left still, it seems.

SPARKISH

Come, my dearest, pray let us go to church before the canonical hour is past.

ALITHEA

For shame, you are abused still.

SPARKISH

By the world, 'tis strange now you are so incredulous.

ALITHEA

'Tis strange you are so credulous.

SPARKISH

Dearest of my life, hear me. I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world; you see he has a sneaking college look. 'Tis true he's something like his brother Frank, and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were twins.

LUCY

Hah, ha, he!

ALITHEA

Your servant, sir, I cannot be so deceived, though you are. But come, let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently?

SPARKISH

Why, I'll tell you all. Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning, to wish me joy and present his service to you, I asked him if he could help me to a parson; whereupon he told me he had a brother in town who was in orders, and he went straight away and sent him you see there to me.

ALITHEA

Yes, Frank goes and puts on a black-coat, then tells you he is Ned. That's all you have for't.

SPARKISH

Pshaw, pshaw! I tell you by the same token the midwife put her garter about Frank's neck to know 'em asunder, they were so like.

ALITHEA

Frank tells you this too.

SPARKISH

Ay, and Ned there too; nay, they are both in a story.

ALITHEA

So, so. Very foolish!

SPARKISH

Lord if you won't believe one, you had best try him by your chambermaid there, for chambermaids must needs know chaplains from other men, they are so used to 'em.

LUCY

Let's see. Nay, I'll be sworn he has the canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a chaplain.

ALITHEA

Well, most reverend doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling.

HARCOURT

With all my soul, divine, heavenly creature, when you please.

ALITHEA

He speaks like a chaplain indeed.

SPARKISH

Why, was there not 'soul', 'divine', 'heavenly', in what he said?

ALITHEA

Once more, most impertinent black-coat, cease your persecution, and let us have a conclusion of this ridiculous love.

HARCOURT

I had forgot. I must suit my style to my coat, or I wear it in vain.

ALITHEA

I have no more patience left. Let us make once an end of this troublesome love, I say.

HARCOURT

So be it, seraphic lady, when your honour shall think it meet and convenient so to do.

SPARKISH

Gad, I'm sure none but a chaplain could speak so, I think.

ALITHEA

Let me tell you, sir, this dull trick will not serve your turn; though you delay our marriage, you shall not hinder it.

HARCOURT

Far be it from me, munificent patroness, to delay your marriage. I desire nothing more than to marry you presently, which I might do, if you yourself would; for my noble, good-natured and thrice-generous patron here would not hinder it.

SPARKISH

No, poor man, not I, faith.

HARCOURT

And now, madam, let me tell you plainly, nobody else shall marry you. By heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I should die after it.

LUCY

How his love has made him forget his function, as I have seen it in real parsons.

ALITHEA

That was spoken like a chaplain too. – Now you understand him, I hope.

SPARKISH

Poor man, he takes it heinously to be refused. I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be suffered. But you'll pardon me madam, it shan't be; he shall marry us. Come away, pray, madam.

LUCY

Hah, ha, he! More ado! 'Tis late.

ALITHEA

Invincible stupidity! I tell you he would marry me as your rival, not as your chaplain.

SPARKISH

[pulling her away] Come, come, madam.

LUCY

I pray madam, do not refuse this reverend divine the honour and satisfaction of marrying you; for I dare say he has set his heart upon't, good doctor.

ALITHEA

(to Harcourt) What can you hope or design by this?

HARCOURT

I could answer her, a reprieve for a day only often revokes a hasty doom. At worst, if she will not take mercy on me and let me marry her, I have at least the lover's second pleasure, hind'ring my rival's enjoyment, though but for a time.

SPARKISH

Come, madam, 'tis e'en twelve a clock, and my mother charged me never to be married out of the canonical hours. Come, come, Lord, here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant, the first day.

LUCY

Yes, an't please your worship, married women shew all their modesty the first day, because married men shew all their love the first day.

(Exeunt Sparkish, Alithea, Harcourt, and Lucy.)

SCENE TWO

(The scene changes to a bedchamber, where appear Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.)

PINCHWIFE

Come, tell me, I say.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over?

PINCHWIFE

I would try if, in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I could find her altering it in the least circumstance, for if her story be false, she is so too.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, what pleasure you take to hear it, sure!

PINCHWIFE

No, you take more in telling it I find. But speak, how was't?

MRS PINCHWIFE

He carried me up into the house next to the Exchange.

PINCHWIFE

So; and you two were only in the room?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes, for he sent away a youth that was there for some dried fruit and China oranges.

PINCHWIFE

Did he so? Damn him for it – and for –

MRS PINCHWIFE

But presently came up the gentlewoman of the house.

PINCHWIFE

Oh, 'twas well she said. But what did he do whilst the fruit came?

MRS PINCHWIFE

He kissed me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he kissed my fine sister, meaning me you know, whom he said he loved with all his soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window by eleven of the clock this morning, and he would walk under it at that time.

PINCHWIFE

And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox reward him for't.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Well, and he said if you were not within, he would come up to her, meaning me you kow, bud, still.

PINCHWIFE

He knew her certainly, but for this confession, I am obliged to her simplicity.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes, I warrant you; would you have had me discovered myself?

PINCHWIFE

But you told me he did some beastliness to you, as you called it. What was't?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why, he put –

PINCHWIFE

What?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and so musled me. And I said I'd bite it.

PINCHWIFE

An eternal canker seize it, for a dog!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew.

PINCHWIFE

The devil! – You were satisfied with it then, and would do it again?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Not unless he should force me.

PINCHWIFE

Force you, changeling! I tell you no woman can be forced.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly strong man. 'Tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him.

PINCHWIFE

So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me; but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me, and love for him, and that love instruct her how to deceive me, and satisfy him, all idiot as she is. Love! 'Twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding. Out of nature's hands they came plain, open, silly and fit for slaves, as she and Heaven intended 'em; but damned love – well, I must strangle that little monster whilst I can deal with him.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes bud.

([Exit Mrs Pinchwife.])

PINCHWIFE

Why should women have more invention in love than men? It can only be because they have more desires, more soliciting passions, more lust, and more of the devil.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, dear bud, but I can't do't very well.

PINCHWIFE

I wish you could not at all.

MRS PINCHWIFE

But what should I write for?

PINCHWIFE

I'll have you write a letter to your lover.

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, to the fine gentleman, a letter!

PINCHWIFE

Yes, to the fine gentleman.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest.

PINCHWIFE

I am not so merry. Come, write as I bid you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

What, do you think I am a fool?

PINCHWIFE

She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't.

PINCHWIFE

Why?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Because he's in town; you may send for him if you will.

PINCHWIFE

Very well, you would have him brought to you. Is it come to this? I say take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that letters are never writ but from the country to London, and from London into the country? Now he's in town, and I am in town too; therefore I can't write to him, you know.

PINCHWIFE

So; I am glad it is no worse, she is innocent enough, yet

MRS PINCHWIFE

Oh, may I so? Then I'm satisfied.

PINCHWIFE

Come, begin. [Dictates] 'Sir' –

MRS PINCHWIFE

Shan't I say, 'Dear Sir'? – You know one says always something more than bare 'Sir'.

PINCHWIFE

Write as I bid you, or I will write whore with this penknife in your face.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, good bud. [She writes] 'Sir' –

PINCHWIFE

'Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embraces.' – Write.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, why should I say so? You know I told you he had a sweet breath.

PINCHWIFE

Write!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Let me but put out 'loathed'.

PINCHWIFE

Write, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Well then.

([Writes.])

PINCHWIFE

Let's see what have you writ. [Takes the paper, and reads.] 'Though I suffered last night your kisses and embraces'. – Thou impudent creature, where is 'nauseous' and 'loathed'?

MRS PINCHWIFE

I can't abide to write such filthy words.

PINCHWIFE

Once more, write as I'd have you and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this. [Holds up the penknife.] I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief.

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, I will!

PINCHWIFE

So – so. – Let's see now! [Reads] 'Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embraces' – go on – 'yet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them.' – So.

(She writes.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

I have writ it.

PINCHWIFE

On then, - 'I then concealed myself from your knowledge to avoid your insolencies' –

(She writes.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

So –

PINCHWIFE

'The same reason, now I am out of your hands' –

(She writes.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

So –

PINCHWIFE

'Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolick, of being in man's clothes.'

(She writes.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

So –

PINCHWIFE

'That you may for ever more cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you' –

(She writes on.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

So – h –

([Sighs.])

PINCHWIFE

What, do you sigh? – 'detests you – as much as she loves her husband and her honour'.

MRS PINCHWIFE

I vow, husband, he'll ne'er believe I should write such a letter.

PINCHWIFE

What, he'd expect a kinder from you? Come now, your name only.

MRS PINCHWIFE

What, shan't I say 'Your most faithful, humble servant till death'?

PINCHWIFE

Her style, I find, would be very soft.

(Exit Pinchwife.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

'For Mr Horner'. – So, I am glad he has told me his name. Dear Mr Horner! But why should I send thee such a letter that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me? – Well, I will not send it. – Ay, but then my husband will kill me, for I see plainly he won't let me love Mr Horner – but what care I for my husband? – I won't, so I won't, send poor Mr Horner such a letter – but then my husband – But oh – what if I writ at bottom my husband made me write it? – Ay, but then my husband would see't. – Can one have no shift? Ah, a London woman would have had a hundred presently. Stay – what if I should write a letter, and wrap it up like this, and write on't too? Ay, but then my husband would see't. – I don't know what to do. – But yet y'vads, I'll try, so I will – for I will not send this letter to poor Mr Horner, come what will on't. [She writes, and repeats what she hath writ.] 'Dear, sweet Mr Horner' – so – 'my husband would have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly letter – but I won't – so – 'and would have me forbid you loving me – but I won't' – so – 'and would have me say to you I hate you, poor Mr Horner – but I won't tell a lie for him' – there – 'for I'm sure if you and I were in the country at cards together', – so – 'I could not help treading on your toe under the table' – so – 'or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face till you saw me' – very well – 'and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together' – so – 'but I must make haste before my husband come; and now he has taught me to write letters, you shall have longer ones from me, who am Dear, dear, poor dear Mr Horner, your most humble friend, and servant to command 'till death, Margery Pinchwife.' Stay, I must give him a hint at bottom – so – now wrap it up just like t'other – so – now write 'For Mr Horner'. – But oh now what shall I do with it? For here comes my husband.

(Enter Pinchwife.)

PINCHWIFE

I have been detained by a sparkish coxcomb who pretended a visit to me; but I fear 'twas to my wife.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, ay bud, just now.

PINCHWIFE

Let's see. What d'ye tremble for? What, you would not have it go?

MRS PINCHWIFE

No, I must not give him that; so I had been served if I had given him this.

PINCHWIFE

[he opens, and reads the first letter] Come, where's the wax and seal?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Lord, what shall I do now? Nay then I have it.

(Snatches the letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him.)

PINCHWIFE

Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I would not have you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

I think I have; there's my letter going to Mr Horner; since he'll needs have me send letters to folks.

PINCHWIFE

'Tis very well, but I warrant you would not have it go now?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes indeed, but I would, bud – now.

PINCHWIFE

Well, you are a good girl then. Come, let me lock you up in your chamber till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window when I am gone, for I have a spy in the street. Exit Mrs Pinchwife. Pinchwife locks the door. At least, 'tis fit she think so. If we do not cheat women, they'll cheat us; and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a frontier town, must provide against treachery rather than open force. Now I have secured all within, I'll deal with the foe without with false intelligence.

([Holds up the letter. Exit Pinchwife.])

SCENE THREE

(The scene changes to Horner's lodging.)

(Quack and Horner.)

QUACK

Well sir, how fadges the new design? Have you not the luck of all your brother projectors, to deceive only yourself at last?

HORNER

No, good domine doctor, I deceive you it seems, and others too; for the grave matrons and old rigid husbands think me as unfit for love as they are; but their wives, sisters and daughters know, some of 'em, better things already.

QUACK

Already!

HORNER

Already, I say. Last night I was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons, as you call 'em, and people of honour, and so was made free of their society and dressing-rooms for ever hereafter; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their pallets, warming smocks, tying shoes and garters and the like, doctor – already, already doctor.

QUACK

You have made use of your time, sir.

HORNER

I tell thee, I am now no more interruption to 'em, when they sing or talk bawdy, than a little squab French page, who speaks no English.

QUACK

But do civil persons and women of honour drink and sing bawdy songs?

HORNER

Oh, amongst friends, amongst friends. For your bigots in honour are just like those in religion; they fear the eye of the world more than the eye of Heaven; and think there is no virtue but railing at vice, and no sin but giving scandal. They rail at a poor little kept player, and keep themselves some young, modest, pulpit comedian to be privy to their sins in their closets, not to tell 'em of them in their chapels.

QUACK

Nay, the truth on't is, priests amongst the women now have quite got the better of us lay confessors, physicians.

HORNER

And they are rather their patients, but – Enter My Lady Fidget, looking about her. Now we talk of women of honour, here comes one. Step behind the screen there, and but observe if I have not particular privileges with the women of reputation already, doctor, already.

((Quack hides behind screen.))

LADY FIDGET

Well, Horner, am not I a woman of honour? You see, I'm as good as my word.

HORNER

And you shall see madam, I'll not be behindhand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room.

LADY FIDGET

But first, my dear sir, you must promise to have care of my dear honour.

HORNER

If you talk a word more of your honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it. To talk of honour in the mysteries of love is like talking of Heaven or the Deity in an operation of witchcraft, just when you are employing the devil; it makes the charm impotent.

LADY FIDGET

Nay, fie, let us not be smooty. But you talk of mysteries and bewitching to me; I don't understand you.

HORNER

I tell you madam, the word 'money' in a mistress's mouth at such a nick of time is not a more disheart'ning sound to a younger brother than of honour to an eager lover like myself.

LADY FIDGET

But you can't blame a lady of my reputation to be chary.

HORNER

Chary! I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caused of myself.

LADY FIDGET

Ay, but if you should ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out. Nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious – oh 'tis a wicked, censorious world, Mr Horner! – I say, are so censorious and detracting that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my honour, though you should not let them know the dear secret.

HORNER

Nay, madam, rather than they shall prejudice your honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and to serve you, I'll lie with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it. I am a Machiavel in love, madam.

LADY FIDGET

Oh no sir, not that way!

HORNER

Nay, the devil take me if censorious women are to be silenced any other way.

LADY FIDGET

A secret is better kept, I hope, by a single person than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust anybody else with it, dear, dear Mr Horner.

([Embracing him.])

(Enter Sir Jasper Fidget.)

SIR JASPER

How now!

LADY FIDGET

O my husband – prevented – and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man – that will appear too much – what shall I say?

SIR JASPER

No, your ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose. But is this your buying china? I thought you had been at the china house.

HORNER

China house, that's my cue, I must take it.

SIR JASPER

Heh, heh, he! Poor fellow, he's in the right on't, faith. To squire women about for other folks is as ungrateful an employment as to tell money for other folks.

LADY FIDGET

No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin myself upon such ill-bred people of your acquaintance as this is.

SIR JASPER

Nay, prithee, what has he done?

LADY FIDGET

Nay, he has done nothing.

SIR JASPER

But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing?

LADY FIDGET

Hah, hah, hah! Faith, I can't but laugh however. Why d'ye think the unmannerly toad would not come down to me to the coach? I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I was resolved not to do; for he knows china very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it lest I should beg some. But I will find it out, and have what I came for yet.

(Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door, followed by Horner to the door.)

HORNER

Lock the door, madam.

SIR JASPER

Hah, ha, he! At my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly.

HORNER

Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn ere long. Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly! Now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it –

SIR JASPER

Hah, ha, ha! Poor angry Horner.

HORNER

Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant.

(Exit Horner at t'other door.)

([Sir Jasper calls through the door to his wife, she answers from within])

SIR JASPER

Wife! My Lady Fidget! Wife! He is coming into you the back way.

LADY FIDGET

Let him come, and welcome, which way he will.

SIR JASPER

He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you.

LADY FIDGET

Don't you trouble yourself, let him if he can.

QUACK

[behind] This indeed, I could not have believed from him, nor any but my own eyes.

(Enter Mrs Squeamish.)

MRS SQUEAMISH

Where's this woman-hater, this toad, this ugly, greasy, dirty sloven?

SIR JASPER

So, the women all will have him ugly. Methinks he is a comely person, but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em. And 'tis e'en as my wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome eunuch was as ridiculous a thing as a gigantic coward.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Sir Jasper, your servant. Where is the odious beast?

SIR JASPER

He's within in his chamber, with my wife. She's playing the wag with him.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Is she so? And he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you. Come, let's go help her. – What, the door's locked?

SIR JASPER

Ay, my wife locked it –

MRS SQUEAMISH

Did she so? Let us break it open then.

SIR JASPER

No, no, he'll do her no hurt.

MRS SQUEAMISH

But is there no other way to get into 'em? Whither goes this? I will disturb 'em.

(Exit Mrs Squeamish at another door.)

(Enter Old Lady Squeamish.)

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Where is this harlotry, this impudent baggage, this rambling tomrigg? O Sir Jasper, I'm glad to see you here. Did you not see my vild grandchild come in hither just now?

SIR JASPER

Yes.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Ay, but where is she then? Where is she? Lord, Sir Jasper, I have e'en rattled myself to pieces in pursuit of her. But can you tell what she makes here? They say below, no woman lodges here.

SIR JASPER

No.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

No! What does she here then? Say, if it be not a woman's lodging, what makes she here? But are you sure no woman lodges here?

SIR JASPER

No, nor no man neither. This is Mr Horner's lodging.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Is it so? Are you sure?

SIR JASPER

Yes, yes.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

So; then there's no hurt in't, I hope. But where is he?

SIR JASPER

He's in the next room with my wife.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Nay, if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy. They say he's a merry harmless man now, e'en as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmless company for a lady, as a snake without his teeth.

SIR JASPER

Ay, ay, poor man.

(Enter Mrs Squeamish.)

MRS SQUEAMISH

I can't find 'em. – Oh, are you here grandmother? I followed, you must know, My Lady Fidget hither; 'tis the prettiest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettiest pictures.

(Enter Lady Fidget with a piece of china in her hand, and Horner following.)

LADY FIDGET

And I have been toiling and moiling for the prettiest piece of china, my dear.

HORNER

Nay, she has been too hard for me, do what I could.

MRS SQUEAMISH

O Lord, I'll have some china too, good Mr Horner. Don't think to give other people china, and me none. Come in with me too.

HORNER

Upon my honour, I have none left now.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Nay, nay, I have known you deny your china before now, but you shan't put me off so. Come –

HORNER

This lady had the last there.

LADY FIDGET

Yes indeed, madam, to my certain knowledge he has no more left.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Oh, but it may be he may have some you could not find.

LADY FIDGET

What? D'ye think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too? For we women of quality never think we have china enough.

HORNER

Do not take it ill, I cannot make china for you all, but I will have a roll-wagon for you too another time.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Thank you, dear toad.

LADY FIDGET

What do you mean by that promise?

HORNER

Alas, she has an innocent, literal understanding.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Poor Mr Horner, he has enough to do to please you all, I see.

HORNER

Ay, madam, you see how they use me.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Poor gentleman, I pity you.

HORNER

I thank you madam, I could never find pity, but from such reverend ladies as you are; the young ones will never spare a man.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Come come, beast, and go dine with us, for we shall want a man at hombre after dinner.

HORNER

That's all their use of me madam, you see.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Come sloven, I'll lead you to be sure of you.

([Pulls him by the cravat.])

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Alas, poor man, how she tugs him! Kiss, kiss her, that's the way to make such nice women quiet.

HORNER

No madam, that remedy is worse than the torment. They know I dare suffer anything rather than do it.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Prithee kiss her, and I'll give you her picture in little that you admired so last night; prithee do.

HORNER

Well, nothing but that could bribe me; I love a woman only in effigy, and good painting as much as I hate them. I'll do't, for I could adore the devil well painted.

([Kisses Mrs Squeamish.])

MRS SQUEAMISH

Foh, you filthy toad! Nay, now I've done jesting.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

Ha, ha, ha! I told you so.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Foh! A kiss of his –

SIR JASPER

Has no more hurt in't than one of my spaniel's.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Nor no more good neither.

QUACK

[behind] I will now believe anything he tells me.

(Enter Mr Pinchwife.)

LADY FIDGET

O Lord, here's a man! Sir Jasper, my mask, my mask! I would not be seen here for the world.

SIR JASPER

What, not when I am with you?

LADY FIDGET

No, no, my honour – let's be gone.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Oh, grandmother, let us be gone, make haste, make haste, I know not how he may censure us.

LADY FIDGET

Be found in the lodging of anything like a man! Away!

(Exeunt Sir Jasper, Lady Fidget, Old Lady Squeamish, Mrs Squeamish.)

QUACK

[behind] What's here? Another cuckold? He looks like one, and none else, sure, have any business with him.

HORNER

Well, what brings my dear friend hither?

PINCHWIFE

Your impertinency –

HORNER

My impertinency? Why, you gentleman that have got handsome wives think you have a privilege of saying anything to your friends, and are as brutish as if you were our creditors.

PINCHWIFE

No sir, I'll ne'er trust you any way.

HORNER

But why not dear Jack? Why diffide in me thou know'st so well?

PINCHWIFE

Because I do know you so well.

HORNER

Han't I been always thy friend, honest Jack? Always ready to serve thee, in love, or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still?

PINCHWIFE

I believe so; you would be my second now, indeed.

HORNER

Well then, dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me? Come, prithee kiss me, dear rogue. Gad, I was always I say, and am still as much thy servant as –

PINCHWIFE

As I am yours, sir. What, you would send a kiss to my wife, is that it?

HORNER

So, there 'tis – a man can't shew his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you. Prithee, let thy wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont. What, thou art as shy of my kindness as a Lumbard Street alderman of a courtier's civility at Locket's.

PINCHWIFE

But you are overkind to me, as kind as if I were your cuckold already. Yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you as to bring you this. Look you there, sir.

([Delivers him a letter.])

HORNER

What is't?

PINCHWIFE

Only a love letter sir.

HORNER

From whom? – how! This is from your wife! – hum – and – hum –

([Reads.])

PINCHWIFE

But you'll not think her so.

HORNER

Ha! Is this a trick of his or hers?

PINCHWIFE

The gentleman's surprised I find. What, you expected a kinder letter?

HORNER

No faith, not I, how could I?

PINCHWIFE

Yes yes, I'm sure you did. A man so well made as you are must needs be disappointed if the woman declare not their passion at first sight or opportunity.

HORNER

'Be sure you love me whatsoever my husband says to the contrary, and let him not see this, lest he should come home and pinch me, or kill my squirrel.' It seems he knows not what the letter contains.

PINCHWIFE

Come, ne'er wonder at it so much.

HORNER

Faith, I can't help it.

PINCHWIFE

Now I think I have deserved your infinite friendship and kindness, and have shewed myself sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband. Am I not so, to bring a letter from my wife to her gallant?

HORNER

Ay, the devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world. Ha, ha!

PINCHWIFE

Well, you may be merry sir, but in short I must tell you, sir, my honour will suffer no jesting.

HORNER

What dost thou mean?

PINCHWIFE

Does the letter want a comment? The know sir, though I have been so civil a husband as to bring you a letter from my wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a cuckold sir, I will not.

HORNER

Thou art mad with jealousy. I never saw thy wife in my life but at the play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no. I court her, kiss her!

PINCHWIFE

I will not be a cuckold, I say. There will be danger in making me a cuckold.

HORNER

Why, wert thou not well cured of thy last clap?

PINCHWIFE

I wear a sword.

HORNER

It should be taken from thee, lest thou shouldst do thyself a mischief with it. Thou art mad, man.

PINCHWIFE

As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you ere we part. I say again, though you kissed and courted last night my wife in man's clothes, as she confesses in her letter –

HORNER

Ha!

PINCHWIFE

Both she and I say you must not design it again, for you have mistaken your woman, as you have done your man.

HORNER

Oh – I understand something now.

PINCHWIFE

Faith, so 'twas.

HORNER

Fie! I'd never do't to a woman before her husband's face, sure.

PINCHWIFE

But I had rather you should do't to my wife before my face than behind my back, and that you shall never do.

HORNER

No – you will hinder me.

PINCHWIFE

If I would not hinder you, you see by her letter she would.

HORNER

Well, I must e'en acquiesce then, and be contented with what she writes.

PINCHWIFE

I'll assure you 'twas voluntarily writ. I had no hand in't, you may believe me.

HORNER

I do believe thee, faith.

PINCHWIFE

And believe her too, for she's an innocent creature, has no dissembling in her. And so fare you well, sir.

HORNER

Pray, however, present my humble service to her, and tell her I will obey her letter to a tittle, and fulfil her desires be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do't, and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you.

PINCHWIFE

Well then, fare you well, and play with any man's honour but mine, kiss any man's wife but mine, and welcome.

([Exit Mr Pinchwife.])

HORNER

Ha, ha, ha! Doctor.

QUACK

[coming out] It seems he has not heard the report of you, or does not believe it.

HORNER

Ha, ha! Now, doctor, what think you?

QUACK

Pray let's see the letter [reads the letter] – hum – 'for – dear – love you' –

HORNER

I wonder how she could contrive it? What say'st thou to't? 'Tis an original.

QUACK

So are your cuckolds too, originals, for they are like no other common cuckolds; and I will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his guards of eunuchs, that I say.

HORNER

And I say for the letter, 'tis the first love letter that ever was without flames, darts, fates, destinies, lying and dissembling in't.

(Enter Sparkish pulling in Mr Pinchwife.)

SPARKISH

Come back, you are a pretty brother-in-law, neither go to church, nor to dinner with your sister bride!

PINCHWIFE

My sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfied.

SPARKISH

Pshaw! Upon a foolish scruple that our parson was not in lawful orders, and did not say all the Common Prayer; but 'tis her modesty only, I believe. But let women be never so modest the first day, they'll be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then. In the meantime, Harry Horner, you must dine with me. I keep my wedding at my aunt's in the Piazza.

HORNER

Thy wedding! What stale maid has lived to despair of a husband, or what young one of a gallant?

SPARKISH

Oh, your servant, sir – this gentleman's sister then – no stale maid.

HORNER

I'm sorry for't.

PINCHWIFE

How comes he so concerned for her?

SPARKISH

You sorry for't? Why, do you know any ill by her?

HORNER

No, I know none but by thee. 'Tis for her sake, not yours, and another man's sake that might have hoped, I thought.

SPARKISH

Another man, another man? What is his name?

HORNER

Poor Harcourt, I am sorry thou hast missed her.

PINCHWIFE

He seems to be much troubled at the match –

SPARKISH

Prithee tell me – nay, you shan't go, brother.

PINCHWIFE

I must of necessity, but I'll come to you to dinner.

([Exit Pinchwife.])

SPARKISH

But Harry, what, have I a rival in my wife already? But with all my heart, for he may be of use to me hereafter. For though my hunger is now my sauce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come when a rival will be as good sauce for a married man to a wife as an orange to veal.

HORNER

O thou damned rogue! Thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy orange.

SPARKISH

Then let's to dinner – there, I was with you again. Come.

HORNER

But who dines with thee?

SPARKISH

My friends and relations. My brother Pinchwife you see, of your acquaintance.

HORNER

And his wife?

SPARKISH

No gad, he'll ne'er let her come amongst us good fellows. Your stingy country coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends as he does his little firkin of ale for his own drinking, and a gentleman can't get a smack on't; but his servants, when his back is turned, broach it at their pleasures, and dust it away. Ha, ha, ha! Gad, I am witty, I think, considering I was married today, by the world. But come –

HORNER

No, I will not dine with you, unless you can fetch her too.

SPARKISH

Pshaw! What pleasure canst thou have with women now, Harry?

HORNER

My eyes are not gone; I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you unless she does too. Go fetch her therefore, but do not tell her husband 'tis for my sake.

SPARKISH

Well, I'll go try what I can do. In the meantime come away, to my aunt's lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwife's.

HORNER

The poor woman has called for aid, and stretched forth her hand, doctor; I cannot but help her over the pale out of the briars.

(Exeunt Sparkish, Horner, Quack.)

SCENE FOUR

(The scene changes to Pinchwife's house.)

(Mrs Pinchwife alone, leaning on her elbow. A table, pen, ink and paper.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

Well, 'tis e'en so; I have got the London disease they call love. I am sick of my husband, and for my gallant. I have heard this distemper called a fever but methinks 'tis liker an ague, for when I think of my husband I tremble and am in a cold sweat and have inclinations to vomit; but when I think of my gallant, dear Mr Horner, my hot fit comes and I am all in a fever, indeed, and as in other fevers my own chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be removed to his, and then methinks I should be well. Ah, poor Mr Horner! Well, I cannot, will not stay here, therefore I'll make an end of my letter to him, which shall be a finer letter than my last, because I have studied it like anything; O sick, sick!

([Takes the pen and writes.])

(Enter Mr Pinchwife who seeing her writing steals softly behind her, and looking over her shoulder, snatches the paper from her.)

PINCHWIFE

What, writing more letters?

MRS PINCHWIFE

O lord bud, why d'ye fright me so?

([She offers to run out: he stops her and reads.])

PINCHWIFE

How's this? Nay, you shall not stir, madam. 'Dear, dear, dear, Mr Horner' – very well – I have taught you to write letters to good purpose – but let's see't. 'First, I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'd have you to know I would not have done, had not you said first you loved me so extremely, which if you do, you will never suffer me to lie in the arms of another man, whom I loathe, nauseate, and detest.' – Now you can write these filthy words. But what follows? – 'Therefore I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I assure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone. However, if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do, but you must help me away before tomorrow, or else, alas I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our' – 'our' – [the letter concludes] what is to follow 'our'? – Speak, what? Our journey into the country, I suppose? – Oh woman, damned woman, and love, damned love, their old tempter! For this is one of his miracles; in a moment he can make those blind that could see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before. Nay, what is more than all, make these dow-baked, senseless, indocile animals, women, too hard for us, their politic lords and rulers, in a moment. But make an end of your letter, and then I'll make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together.

([Draws his sword.])

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, O Lord, you are such a passionate man, bud!

(Enter Sparkish.)

SPARKISH

How now, what's here to do?

PINCHWIFE

This fool here now!

SPARKISH

What, drawn upon your wife? You should never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her. This is my sister-in-law is it not? [Pulls aside her handkerchief.] Ay, faith, e'en our country Margery, one may know her. Come, she and you must go dine with me; dinner's ready, come. But where's my wife? Is she not come home yet? Where is she?

PINCHWIFE

Making you a cuckold; 'tis that they all do, as soon as they can.

SPARKISH

What, the wedding day? No, a wife that designs to make a cully of her husband will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world. But come, they stay dinner for us. Come, I'll lead down our Margery.

MRS PINCHWIFE

No – sir, go, we'll follow you.

SPARKISH

I will not wag without you.

PINCHWIFE

This coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world.

SPARKISH

Come, come, Madam Margery.

PINCHWIFE

I am contented my rage should take breath.

SPARKISH

I told Horner this.

PINCHWIFE

Come now.

SPARKISH

Lord how shy you are of your wife! But let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying that cuckolding, like the smallpox, comes with a fear; and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they.

PINCHWIFE

What a thing is a cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous!

How s'e'er the kind wife's belly comes to swell.

The husband breeds for her, and first is ill.

ACT FIVE

SCENE ONE

(Mrs Pinchwife's house.)

(Enter Mr Pinchwife and Mrs Pinchwife. A table and candle.)

PINCHWIFE

Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended. If you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you with this as you deserve.

([Lays his hand on his sword.] PR}Write what was to follow – let's see – 'You must take haste and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our' – What follows 'our'? –)

MRS PINCHWIFE

Must all out then, bud? [Mrs Pinchwife takes the pen and writes.] Look you there then.

PINCHWIFE

Let's see – 'For I can defer no longer our – wedding – Your slighted Alithea .' What's the meaning of this? My sister's name to't? Speak, unriddle!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes indeed, bud.

PINCHWIFE

But why her name to't? Speak – speak, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Ay, but you'll tell her then again; if you would not tell her again –

PINCHWIFE

I will not – I am stunned, my head turns round. Speak!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Won't you tell her indeed, and indeed?

PINCHWIFE

No. Speak, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

She'll be angry with me, but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.

PINCHWIFE

Ha! I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.

MRS PINCHWIFE

O – through the keyhold, bud.

PINCHWIFE

But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why, she said because – for I was unwilling to do it.

PINCHWIFE

Because what – because?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Because, lest Mr Horner should be cruel, and refuse her, or vain afterwards, and shew the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.

PINCHWIFE

How's this? Ha! Then I think I shall come to myself again. This changeling could not invent this lie, but if she could, why should she? She might think I should soon discover it – stay – now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish, and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner's sake. Yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools, women may well be so.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Alackaday, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.

PINCHWIFE

Where is she? Let me speak with her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, then he'll discover all.

PINCHWIFE

I must speak with her to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray dear bud don't, till I have spoken with her and told her that I have told you all, for she'll kill me else.

PINCHWIFE

Go then, and bid her come out to me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Yes, yes, bud.

PINCHWIFE

Let me see –

MRS PINCHWIFE

I'll go, but she is not within to come to him. I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next, for I am e'en at my wits end.

([Exit Mrs Pinchwife.])

PINCHWIFE

Well, I resolve it; Horner shall have her. I'd rather give him my sister than lend him my wife, and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I'll make him of kin to her, and then he won't care for her.

(Mrs Pinchwife returns.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, bud, I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.

PINCHWIFE

Won't she come hither?

MRS PINCHWIFE

No, no, alackaday, she's ashamed to look you in the face, and she says if you go in to her, she'll run away downstairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says, and she will have no other, so she won't.

PINCHWIFE

Did he so – promise her marriage? – Then she shall have no other. Go tell her so, and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go. Exit MRS PINCHWIFE. His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I'd rather be of kin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold. Enter MRS PINCHWIFE. Well, what says she now?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Why, she says she would only have you lead her to Horner's lodging – with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talk with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face. Therefore she'll come to you in a mask, and you must excuse her if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she'll come out to you immediately.

PINCHWIFE

Let her come; I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Oh, I forgot; besides, she says she cannot look you in the face though through a mask, therefore would desire you to put out the candle.

([Exit Mrs Pinchwife.])

PINCHWIFE

I agree to all; let her make haste. There, 'tis out. [Put out the candle.] My case is something better, I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister than for lying with my wife, and of the two I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well – wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort, but we find 'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep 'em from lying with our wives. Enter Mrs Pinchwife masked, and in hoods and scarves, and a nightgown and petticoat of Alithea's, in the dark. What, are you come sister? Let us go then – but first let me lock up my wife. Mrs Margery, where are you?

MRS PINCHWIFE

Here, bud.

PINCHWIFE

Come hither, that I may lock you up. [Locks the door.] Get you in. Come sister, where are you now?

(Mrs Pinchwife gives him her hand, but when he lets her go, she steals softly on t'other side of him, and is led away by him for his sister Alithea.)

SCENE TWO

(The scene changes to Horner's lodging.)

(Quack, Horner.)

QUACK

What, all alone? Not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.

HORNER

Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife's spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad hindering his pleasure than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married women imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always.

QUACK

And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.

HORNER

A pox! Keeping a cuckold company after you have had his wife is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town when he has got all his money.

QUACK

And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband.

HORNER

Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for 'em, they can't abide to come near him.

QUACK

But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear, just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife?

HORNER

A pox! He's as surly as an alderman that has been bit, and since he's so coy, his wife's kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent.

QUACK

Did she not send you a letter by him?

HORNER

Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close –

QUACK

Yes, so close that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love, which two when met seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other.

HORNER

What! Here's the man we are talking of, I think.

(Enter Mr Pinchwife, leading in his wife masked, muffled, and in her sister's gown.)

HORNER

Pshaw!

QUACK

Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love letter from her.

HORNER

What means this?

PINCHWIFE

The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love letter; now, you see, a mistress. I think you'll say I am a civil man to you.

HORNER

Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civillest man I ever met with, and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter; but hark thee, in thy ear –

PINCHWIFE

What?

HORNER

Nothing but the usual question man: is she sound, on thy word?

PINCHWIFE

What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp?

HORNER

Pshaw! Wench and pimp, paw words. I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me rather than let me make love to thy wife.

PINCHWIFE

Come sir, in short, I am for no fooling.

HORNER

Nor I either. Therefore, prithee, let's see her face presently. Make her show, man; art thou sure I don't know her?

PINCHWIFE

I am sure you do know her.

HORNER

A pox! Why dost thou bring her to me then?

PINCHWIFE

Because she's a relation of mine –

HORNER

Is she, faith, man? Then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue.

PINCHWIFE

– who desired me to bring her to you.

HORNER

Then she is obliging, dear rogue.

PINCHWIFE

You'll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.

HORNER

I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.

PINCHWIFE

Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me.

HORNER

Madam – [Mrs Pinchwife whispers to Horner.] She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.

PINCHWIFE

She's unwilling, it seems, I should know all her undecent conduct in this business.

HORNER

What means the fool? If she and I agree 'tis no matter what you and I do.

([Whispers to Mrs Pinchwife, who makes signs with her hand for him (Pinchwife) to be gone.])

PINCHWIFE

In the meantime I'll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish and disabuse him. – You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then – now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her. Our sisters and daughters, like usurers' money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe but in our closets under lock and key.

([Exit Mr Pinchwife.])

(Enter Boy.)

BOY

Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up.

HORNER

Here's the trouble of a cuckold, now we are talking of. A pox on him! Has he not enough to do to hinder his wife's sport, but he must other women's too? – Step in here, madam.

(Exit Mrs Pinchwife.)

(Enter Sir Jasper.)

SIR JASPER

My best and dearest friend.

HORNER

The old style, doctor.

SIR JASPER

Well guessed, i'faith, for I do come from her.

HORNER

To invite me to supper? Tell her I can't come; go.

SIR JASPER

Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight in a masquerade, and are all dressed already.

HORNER

I shan't be at home.

SIR JASPER

Lord, how churlish he is to women! – Nay, prithee don't disappoint 'em. They'll think 'tis my fault; prithee don't. I'll send in the banquet and the fiddles, but make no noise on't, for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known for the world that they go a-masquerading, and they would come to no man's ball but yours.

HORNER

Well, well. – Get you gone, and tell 'em if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour and yours.

SIR JASPER

Heh, he, he! – we'll trust you for that. Farewell.

([Exit Sir Jasper.])

HORNER

Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest, 1232

But now I'm going to a private feast.

SCENE THREE

(The scene changes to the piazza of Covent Garden.)

(Sparkish, Pinchwife)

SPARKISH

[with the letter in his hands] But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me? By the world, I could not have thought it.

PINCHWIFE

You were for giving and taking liberty; she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.

SPARKISH

Nay, if this be her hand – for I never saw it.

PINCHWIFE

'Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no, I am sure this hand at her desire led her to Mr Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a parson to 'em at their desire too, to deprive you of her for ever, for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.

SPARKISH

Indeed, she would needs have it that 'twas Harcourt himself in a parson's habit that married us, but I'm sure he told me 'twas his brother Ned.

PINCHWIFE

Oh, there 'tis out and you were deceived, not she, for you are such a frank person – but I must be gone. You'll find her at Mr Horner's; go and believe your eyes.

([Exit Mr Pinchwife.])

SPARKISH

Nay, I'll to her, and call her as many crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish names as a poet would do a mistress who had refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on her. – But stay, is not that she following a torch at t'other end of the Piazza? And from Horner's certainly – 'tis so. Enter Alithea following a torch, and Lucy behind. You are well met, madam, though you don't think so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr Horner? But I suppose you'll return to him presently; but that time the parson can be with him.

ALITHEA

Mr Horner and the parson, sir?

SPARKISH

Come, madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting, for I am no more a frank person.

ALITHEA

How's this?

LUCY

So, 'twill work, I see.

SPARKISH

Could you find out no easy country fool to abuse? None but me, a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! False as a friend that lends a man money to lose, false as dice, who undo those that trust all day have to 'em.

LUCY

He has been a great bubble by his similes, as they say.

ALITHEA

You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding dinner, sure.

SPARKISH

What, d'ye mock me too?

ALITHEA

Or you have been deluded.

SPARKISH

By you.

ALITHEA

Let me understand you.

SPARKISH

Have you the confidence – I should call it something else, since you know your guilt – to stand my just reproaches? You did not write an impudent letter to Mr Horner, who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival?

LUCY

D'ye think the gentleman can be jealous now, madam?

ALITHEA

I write a letter to Mr Horner!

SPARKISH

Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your brother shewed it me just now, and told me likewise he left you at Horner's lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him. And I wish you joy madam, joy, joy, and to him too, much joy, and to myself more joy for not marrying you.

ALITHEA

So, I find my brother would break off the match, and I can consent t'ot, since I see this gentleman can be made jealous.

SPARKISH

No, madam, I thank you. I suppose that was a contrivance too of Mr Horner's and yours, to make Harcourt play the parson. But I would as little as you have him one now, no, not for the world. For shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you till now, for now I hate you. 'Tis true I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the town do sometimes; and so your servant. And to shew my unconcernedness, I'll come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy as I would a stale wench to a new cully, nay with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you. There's for you, and so your servant, servant.

([Exit Sparkish.])

ALITHEA

How was I deceived in a man!

LUCY

You'll believe then a fool may be made jealous now? For that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others.

ALITHEA

But marry Mr Horner! My brother does not intend it, sure; if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr Harcourt for my husband. And now I wish that if there be any over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, would marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first that her husband may love play, and be a cully to all the town but her, and suffer none but fortune to be mistress of his purse. Then, if for liberty, that he may send her into the country under the conduct of some housewifely mother-in-law. And if for title, may the world give 'em none but that of cuckold.

LUCY

And for her greater curse, madam, may he not deserve it.

ALITHEA

Away, impertinent! – Is not this my old Lady Lanterlu's?

LUCY

And here I hope we shall find Mr Harcourt.

(Exeunt Alithea, Lucy.)

SCENE FOUR

(The scene changes again to Horner's lodging.)

(Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish. A table, banquet, and bottles.)

HORNER

A pox! They are come too soon – before I have sent back my new mistress. All I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her.

LADY FIDGET

That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolved to treat thee, dear toad.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jasper and my old Lady Squeamish quarrelling at home at baggammon.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Therefore let us make use of our time lest they should chance to interrupt us.

LADY FIDGET

Let us sit then.

HORNER

First, that you may be private, let me lock this door, and that, and I'll wait upon you presently.

LADY FIDGET

No sir, shut 'em only and your lips for ever, for we must trust you as much as our women.

HORNER

You know all vanity's killed in me, I have no occasion for talking.

LADY FIDGET

Now, ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET and MRS SQUEAMISH

Agreed.

LADY FIDGET

Not in thy heart, false man.

HORNER

You have found me a true man, I'm sure.

LADY FIDGET

Not every way.

(Lady Fidget sings.)

(1)

Why should our damned tyrants oblige us to live

On the pittance of pleasure which they only give?

We must not rejoice,

With wine and with noise,

In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone,

Whilst to our warm rival, the bottle, they're gone.

Then lay aside charms,

And take up these arms.*

([*The glasses.])

(2)

'Tis wine only gives 'em their courage and wit;

Because we live sober, to men we submit.

If for beauties you'd pass,

Take a lick of the glass,

'Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone,

The best red we have is the red of the grape.

Then sisters, lay't on.

And damn a good shape.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Dear brimmer! Well, in token of our openness and plain dealing, let us throw our masks over our heads.

HORNER

So, 'twill come to the glasses anon.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Lovely brimmer! Let me enjoy him first.

LADY FIDGET

No, I never part with a gallant till I've tried him. Dear brimmer, that makest our husbands short-sighted.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

And our bashful gallants bold.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And for want of a gallant, the butler lovely in our eyes. – Drink, eunuch.

LADY FIDGET

Drink, thou representative of a husband. Damn a husband!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

And, as it were a husband, an old keeper.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And an old grandmother.

HORNER

And an English bawd, and a French chirurgeon.

LADY FIDGET

Ay, we have all reason to curse 'em.

HORNER

For my sake, ladies?

LADY FIDGET

No, for our own, for the first spoils all young gallants' industry.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

And the other's art makes 'em bold only with common women.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them than of a denial amongst us.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

The filthy toads choose mistresses now as they do stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.

MRS SQUEAMISH

For being common and cheap.

LADY FIDGET

Whilst women of quality, like the richest stuffs, lie untumbled and unasked for.

HORNER

Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

No sir, the beasts will be known by a mistress longer than by a suit.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And 'tis not for cheapness neither.

LADY FIDGET

No, for the vain fops will take up druggets and embroider 'em. But I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men; they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation. Pray tell me, beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment than to be the only guest at a good table.

HORNER

Why, faith, ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent. People always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit.

LADY FIDGET

Though he get a cut over the fingers. But I have heard people eat most heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they do not pay for.

HORNER

When they are sure of their welcome and freedom, for ceremony in love and eating is as ridiculous as in fighting; falling on briskly is all should be done in those occasions.

LADY FIDGET

Well, then, let me tell you, sir, there is nowhere more freedom than in our houses, and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding, and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolic, as gamesome, as wild as he will.

HORNER

Ha'n't I heard you all declaim against wild men?

LADY FIDGET

Yes, but for all that, we think wildness in a man as desirable a quality as in a duck or rabbit; a tame man, foh!

HORNER

I know not, but your reputations frightened me as much as your faces invited me.

LADY FIDGET

Our reputation! Lord, why should you not think that we women make use of our reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion? Our virtue is like the statesman's religion, the quaker's word, the gamester's oath, and the great man's honour, but to cheat those that trust us.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And that demureness, coyness, and modesty that you see in our faces in the boxes at plays is as much a sign of a kind woman as a vizard-mask in the pit.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

For, I assure you, women are least masked when they have the velvet vizard on.

LADY FIDGET

You would have found us modest women in our denials only.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the men's.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

We blush when they are shame-faced.

HORNER

I beg your pardon, ladies, I was deceived in you devilishly. But why that mighty pretence to honour?

LADY FIDGET

We have told you. But sometimes 'twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better and more privately those you love.

HORNER

But why would you ne'er give a friend a wink then?

LADY FIDGET

Faith, you reputation frightened us as much as ours did you. You were so notoriously lewd.

HORNER

And you so seemingly honest.

LADY FIDGET

Was that all that deterred you?

HORNER

And so expensive – you allow freedom you say –

LADY FIDGET

Ay, ay.

HORNER

That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required.

LADY FIDGET

Money, foh! You talk like a little fellow now. Do such as we expect money?

HORNER

I beg your pardon, madam, I must confess I have heard that great ladies, like great merchants, set but the higher prices upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Such as we make sale of our hearts?

MRS SQUEAMISH

We bribed for our love? Foh!

HORNER

With your pardon, ladies, I know, like great men in offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your followers; but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your grants. Besides, we must let you win at cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, 'tis at a goldsmith's, jeweller's, or china house, where, for your honour you deposit to him, he must pawn his to the punctual cit, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

Would you not have us assured of our gallants' love?

MRS SQUEAMISH

For love is better known by liberality than by jelousy.

LADY FIDGET

But my jealousy can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling-ripe.

([Claps him on the back.])

MRS SQUEAMISH

How!

HORNER

So all will out now.

MRS SQUEAMISH

Did you not tell me 'twas for my sake only you reported yourself no man?

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

O wretch! Did you not swear to me 'twas for my love and honour you passed for that thing you do?

HORNER

So, so.

LADY FIDGET

Come, speak, ladies; this is my false villain.

MRS SQUEAMISH

And mine too.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

And mine.

HORNER

Well then, you are all three my false rogues too, and there's an end on't.

LADY FIDGET

Well then, there's no remedy. Sister sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our honour. Though we get no presents, no jewels of him, we are savers of our honour, the jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit.

HORNER

Nay, and is e'en as good as if it were true, provided the world think so; for honour, like beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others.

LADY FIDGET

Well, Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three. Swear – but 'tis no purpose to require your oath, for you are as often forsworn as you swear to new women.

HORNER

Come, faith, madam, let us e'en pardon one another, for all the difference I find betwixt we men and you women, we forswear ourselves at the beginning of an amour, you as long as it lasts.

(Enter Sir Jarper Fidget and Old Lady Squeamish.)

SIR JASPER

Oh, my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr Horner without me? But you have been nowhere else, I hope?

LADY FIDGET

No, Sir Jasper.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

And you came straight hither, Biddy?

MRS SQUEAMISH

Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother.

SIR JASPER

'Tis well. 'tis well. I knew when once they were throughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd ne'er be from him. You may let her masquerade it with my wife and Horner, and I warrant her reputation safe.

(Enter Boy.)

BOY

O sir, here's the gentleman come whom you bid me not suffer to come up without giving you notice, with a lady too, and other gentleman.

HORNER

Do you all go in there, whilst I send 'em away, and boy, do you desire 'em to stay below till I come, which shall be immediately.

(Exeunt Sir Jasper, Lady Squeamish, Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish.)

BOY

Yes sir.

([Exit.])

(Exit Horner at t'other door, and returns with Mrs Pinchwife.)

HORNER

You would not take my advice to be gone home before your husband came back; he'll now discover all. Yet pray, my dearest, be persuaded to go home and leave to rest to my management. I'll let you down the back way.

MRS PINCHWIFE

I don't know the way home, so I don't.

HORNER

My man shall wait upon you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

No, don't you believe that I'll go at all. What, are you weary of me already?

HORNER

No, my life, 'tis that I may love you long. 'Tis to secure my love, and your reputation with your husband. He'll never receive you again else.

MRS PINCHWIFE

What care I? D'ye think to frighten me with that? I don't intend to go to him again. You shall be my husband now.

HORNER

I cannot be your husband, dearest, since you are married to him.

MRS PINCHWIFE

Oh, would you make me believe that? Don't I see, every day at London here, women leave their first husbands and go and live with other men as their wives? Pish, pshaw! You'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.

HORNER

So, they are coming up. – In again, in, I hear 'em: [Exit Mrs Pinchwife]. Well, a silly mistress is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost; a man has scarce time for plunder. She betrays her husband first to her gallant, and then her gallant to her husband.

(Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a parson.)

PINCHWIFE

Come, madam, 'tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall persuade me I did not bring you hither, just now. Here's my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted. – Mr Horner, did not I bring this lady to you just now?

HORNER

Now must I wrong one woman for another's sake, but that's no new thing with me; for in these cases I am still on the criminal's side, against the innocent.

ALITHEA

Pray, speak, sir.

HORNER

It must be so – I must be impudent, and try my luck; impudence uses to be too hard for truth.

PINCHWIFE

What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her. Speak, sir.

HORNER

No, faith, I am something backward only to speak in women's affairs or disputes.

PINCHWIFE

She bids you speak.

ALITHEA

Ay, pray sir, do. Pray satisfy him.

HORNER

Then, truly, you did bring that lady to me just now.

PINCHWIFE

Oho!

ALITHEA

How, sir!

HARCOURT

How, Horner!

ALITHEA

What mean you, sir? I always took you for a man of honour.

HORNER

Ay, so much a man of honour that I must save my mistress, I thank you, come what will on't.

SPARKISH

So, if I had had her, she'd have made me believe the moon had been made of a Christmas pie.

LUCY

Now could I speak, if I durst, and 'solve the riddle, who am the author of it.

ALITHEA

O unfortunate woman! (To Harcourt) A combination against my honour which most concerns me now because you share in my disgrace, sir, and it is your censure which I must now suffer that troubles me, not theirs.

HARCOURT

Horner, I must now be concerned for this lady's honour.

HORNER

And I must be concerned for a lady's honour too.

HARCOURT

This lady has her honour, and I will protect it.

HORNER

My lady has not her honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it.

HARCOURT

I understand you not.

HORNER

I would not have you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

[peeping in behind] What's the matter with 'em all?

PINCHWIFE

Come, come, Mr Horner, no more disputing. Here's the parson, I brought him not in vain.

HORNER

No sir, I'll employ him, if this lady please.

PINCHWIFE

How, what d'ye mean?

SPARKISH

Ay, what does he mean?

HORNER

Why, I have resigned your sister to him. He has my consent.

PINCHWIFE

But he has no mine, sir. A woman's injured honour, no more than a man's, can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it; and you shall marry her presently, or –

([Lays his hand on his sword.])

(Enter to them Mistress Pinchwife.)

MRS PINCHWIFE

O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr Horner! Besides, he shan't marry her whilst I stand by and look on. I'll not lose my second husband so.

PINCHWIFE

What do I see?

ALITHEA

My sister in my clothes!

SPARKISH

Ha!

MRS PINCHWIFE

[To Mr Pinchwife] Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the parson; he shall marry me to Mr Horner, for now, I believe, you have enough of me.

HORNER

Damned, damned loving changeling!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Pray, sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you.

HARCOURT

I suppose the riddle is plain now.

LUCY

No, that must be my work. Good sir, hear me.

([Kneels to Mr Pinchwife, who stands doggedly, with his hat over his eyes.])

PINCHWIFE

I will never hear woman again, but make 'em all silent, thus –

([Offers to draw upon his wife.])

HORNER

No, that must not be.

PINCHWIFE

You then shall go first, 'tis all one to me.

([Offers to draw on Horner; stopped by Harcourt.])

HARCOURT

Hold!

(Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish.)

SIR JASPER

What's the matter, what's the matter? Pray what's the matter, sir? I beseech you, communicate, sir.

PINCHWIFE

Why, my wife has communicated, sir, as your wife may have done too, sir, if she knows him, sir.

SIR JASPER

Pshaw! With him? Ha, ha, he!

PINCHWIFE

D'ye mock me, sir? A cuckold is a kind of a wild beast. Have a care, sir.

SIR JASPER

No sure, you mock me, sir – he cuckold you! It can't be, ha, ha, he! Why, I'll tell you, sir.

([Offers to whisper.])

PINCHWIFE

I tell you again, he has whored my wife, and yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near. 'Tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisy, can wheedle me.

SIR JASPER

How! Does he dissemble? Is he a hypocrite? Nay then – how – wife – sister, is he an hypocrite?

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

An hypocrite! A dissembler! Speak, young harlotry, speak, how?

SIR JASPER

Nay then – Oh, my head too! – O thou libidinous lady!

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

O thou harloting harlotry! Hast thou done't then?

SIR JASPER

Speak, good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a rogue? Hast thou –

HORNER

Soh!

LUCY

I'll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue.

HORNER

Canst thou? I'll give thee –

LUCY

(to Mr Pinchwife) Pray, have but patience to hear me, sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my mistress, in order to the breaking off the match between Mr Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr Harcourt.

SPARKISH

Did you so, eternal rotten-tooth? Then it seems my mistress was not false to me, I was only deceived by you. Brother that should have been, now, man of conduct, who is a frank person now? To bring your wife to her lover – ha!

LUCY

I assure you, sir, she came not to Mr Horner out of love, for she loves him no more –

MRS PINCHWIFE

Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay. Pray don't you go to make poor Mr Horner believe to the contrary, 'tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure.

HORNER

Peace, dear idiot!

MRS PINCHWIFE

Nay, I will not peace.

PINCHWIFE

Not till I make you.

(Enter Dorilant, Quack.)

DORILANT

Horner, your servant. I am the doctor's guest, he must excuse our intrusion.

QUACK

But what's the matter, gentlemen? For heaven's sake, what's the matter?

HORNER

Oh, 'tis well you are come. 'Tis a censorious world we live in. You may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent ladies had suffered with me; therefore pray satisfy these worthy, honourable, jealous gentlemen – that -

([whispers])

QUACK

Oh, I understand you; is that all? – Sir Jasper, by heavens and upon the word of a physician, [whispers to Sir Jasper] sir, -

SIR JASPER

Nay, I do believe you truly. – Pardon me, my virtuous lady, and dear of honour.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

What, then all's right again?

SIR JASPER

Ay, ay, and now let us satisfy him too.

([They whisper with Mr Pinchwife.])

PINCHWIFE

An eunuch! Pray, no fooling with me.

QUACK

I'll bring half the chirurgeons in town to swear it.

PINCHWIFE

They! They'll swear a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an apoplexy.

QUACK

Pray hear me, sir – why all the town has heard the report of him.

PINCHWIFE

But does all the town believe it?

QUACK

Pray inquire a little, and first, of all these.

PINCHWIFE

I'm sure when I left the town he was the lewdest fellow in't.

QUACK

I tell you, sir, he has been in France since. Pray ask but these ladies and gentlemen, your friend Mr Dorilant. Gentlemen and ladies, ha'n't you all heard the late sad repor of poor Mr Horner?

ALL THE LADIES

Ay, ay, ay.

DORILANT

Why, thou jealous fool, dost thou doubt it? He's an arrant French capon.

MRS PINCHWIFE

'Tis false, sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr Horner, for to my certain knowledge –

LUCY

Oh hold!

MRS SQUEAMISH

Stop her mouth –

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

[to Pinchwife] Upon my honour sir, 'tis as true –

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

D'ye think we would have been seen in his company?

MRS SQUEAMISH

Trust our unspotted reputations with him?

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

This you get, and we too, by trusting your secret to a fool –

HORNER

Well, doctor, is not this a good design that carries a man on unsuspected, and brings him off safe.

PINCHWIFE

Well, if this were true, but my wife –

(Dorilant whispers with Mrs Pinchwife.)

ALITHEA

Come, brother, your wife is yet innocent, you see. But have a care of too strong an imagination, lest like an over-concerned timorous gamester, by fancying an unlucky cast, it should come. Women and fortune are truest still to those that trust 'em.

LUCY

And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the keeper.

ALITHEA

There's doctrine for all husbands, Mr Harcourt.

HARCOURT

I edify, madam, so much, that I am impatient till I am one.

DORILANT

And I edify so much by example I will never be one.

SPARKISH

And because I will not disparage my parts, I'll ne'er be one.

HORNER

And I, alas, can't be one.

PINCHWIFE

But I must be one – against my will, to a counttry wife, with a country murrain to me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

And I must be a country wife still too I find, for I can't, like a city one, be rid of my musty husband and do what I list.

HORNER

Now sir, I must pronounce your wife innocent, though I blush whilst I do it, and I am the only man by her now exposed to shame, which I will straight drown in wine, as you shall your suspicion; and the ladies' troubles we'll divert with a ballet. Doctor, where are your maskers?

LUCY

Indeed she's innocent, sir, I am her witness; and her end of coming out was but to see her sister's wedding, and what she has said to your face of her love to Mr Horner was but the usual innocent revenge on a husband's jealousy. Was it not, madam? Speak –

MRS PINCHWIFE

Since you'll have me tell more lies

PINCHWIFE

For my own sake fain I would all believe. 1460

Cuckolds, like lovers, should themselves deceive.

But [sighs] – his honour is least safe (too late I find)

Who trusts it with a foolish wife or friend.

(A dance of cuckolds.)

HORNER

Vain fops but court, and dress, and keep a pother, 1461

To pass for women's men with one another;

But he who aims by women to be prized,

First by the men, you see, must be despised.

FINIS

Epilogue

Now you the vigorous, who daily here 1462

O'er vizard-mask, in public domineer,

And what you'd do to her if in place where;

Nay, have the confidence to cry, 'Come out!'

Yet when she says, 'Lead on', you are not stout,

But to your well-dressed brother straight turn round

And cry, 'Pox on her, Ned, she can't be found!'

Then slink away, a fresh one to ingage,

With so much seeming heat and loving rage,

You'd frighten listening actress on the stage;

Till she at last has seen you huffing come,

And talk of keeping in the living-room,

Yet cannot be provoked to lead her home.

Next, you Falstaffs of fifty, who beset

Your buckram maidenheads, which your friends get;

And whilst to them, you of achievements boast,

They share the booty, and laugh at your cost.

In fine, you essenc't boys, both old and young,

Who would be thought so eager, brisk, and strong,

Yet do the ladies, not their husbands, wrong;

Whose purses for your manhood make excuse,

And keep your Flanders mares for shew, not use;

Encouraged by our woman's man today,

A Horner's part may vainly think to play,

And may intrigues so bashfully disown

That they may doubted be by few or none;

May kiss the cards at picquet, hombre, loo,

And so be thought to kiss the lady too.

But gallants, have a care, faith, what you do.

The world, which to no man his due will give,

You by experience know you can deceive,

And men may still believe you vigorous,

But then, we women – there's no coz'ning us.

FINIS